Sunday, June 27, 2010



A whole year a whole year is now over!!

Thanks everyone for their support without my supports I might not have been able to make it here!!

Lots of love to my lady your the best and you helped me so much!!


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


So.. This is on my mind and seeing as I haven't found anyone I could talk to understand what I'm going to say I might as well say it here. One experience one thing I have always had since moving to Vancouver and its been something that I don't try work hard toward, or anything.. I have always been given respect not because of my status, or the people I know...But because it's just who I am... I never disrespect anyone unless I have been given that kind of hate... While this is something I experienced for the first time today and I know exactly why it's there... So I will have to once again decide what's more important to me? This is where the life of this person of me stays where I am or where I'm going.
The events of now really affected me and I don't see point in that you know? You know what it's like? it's as if I been spit in the fuckin face. As if I did anything wrong and to be given that kind of disrespect while what the hell is this all about?

The events of yesterday yes pretty messed up, childish, stupid and just not part of the life I want to live... the response to my feelings while it was pretty shitty and the outcome...while the outcome was that whatever it was...and because of that the ripple effected of us has now come through to the people... the people will decide whether we stay, we move, we mark, or anything and right now... that had really effected me... no matter the state of mind, no matter the circumstances in life.. if there is an opportunity to been given respect, no it's not even about giving's always been there and because of this one incident it's all over and I'm sitting here thinking... is this really worth it? if this is the effects of what's happened over a little argument.. imagine what will happen when and if things fall through?

No one could see.... what I see... I can't even write about it because it's just useless information and I'm really angry.. You have no idea how much that was not deserved and how much It's been hard enough for me to be where I am, and who I am.. and it's like what's the point? Whats the point now?

It is what it is... this might be a good thing.. a way out of all that I feel... or a way out of all that I am and all this garbage of the person I used to be... and the person I'm meant to be! so will see how it goes...but I needed to write that it made me feel belittled, alone and totally disrespected that was not except able to be and I am trying to work through it..

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


The last time I wrote I said that I was scared or that I was supposed to do things slowly..

What's bothering me more than ever is that I'm told that I have revealed the most passionate part of me, the most vulnerable piece of me... This has put fear in my heart... lol can you believe it? I am told that I have magnificently revealed my heart and pretty much just waiting to get hurt... How to recover from this? I don't know... How to turn back time so that I am not revealing this piece of me I don't know.
I didn't like hearing this...and now that it's planted in my mind I'm starting to get terrified this is not what I wanted you know? I am not ready for the revelations of my fragile heart.. I really enjoyed the topics of today talking about how in the last year I finally have said "I don't care what everyone else thinks" I have finally come to a place of not attaching to others... I mean the biggest blow to my life was losing my cousin and since he has gone while I just don't trust anymore... and yet I am told that instead of following my instinct that this had to go slow... I'm told I just pretty much laid my heart out for all to see, and because I have been told this while I'm in the destructive state finding a way to get my heart back...

I'm terrified of what will happen... How will this play out...

I don't even want to talk about it... I really want to focus on my goals the things I have set out to do for myself... These are the reasons others are attracted to me, these are the reasons that I am cared for in this extent, it's because of my life experience I can be who I am and I could walk the line the way I do!

So I'm going to stop with this drama of the people in my life and share what I just found out and how I plan to apply this into my life and my career choice.. this is how I get rid of my anxiety :)

So It's been an idea for a few months now that I would try and find time or just find a way to give back to my community in a way that entails how I've come to where I am now..
Someone a couple months ago implanted in my mind the idea of working at a crisis center not working but volunteering my time there... so after a long haul I finally looked it up to see if there was an opportunity! Unfortunately I will have to wait another year because it says I have to have not tried to commit suicide in 2 yrs... Sadly enough lol it's only been a year since I got the 34 stitches in my arm.
But in reading the information of the kind of experience I will have... While being able to share with youth the presentation side of a suicide attempt...To be able to be someone who can share with them my experience and how much after all this fighting, all this let down, all this joy, all this pain, all of everything!! I am able to here...I'm able to share my heart, able to be real... and I don't regret that time in my life but that I am glad that I was able to find ways to make it through to be where I am now..

I want to make a difference.... I want to be someone that others can turn too! I want to be someone who is not ashamed of my history!! I want to be someone who can lay all these cards these shameful cards on the table...and say... you were saying????? Lots of people think that I am almighty of a strong woman, a strong goal set mind!! What were the sacrifices for these things? What did I have to do to get where I am now! Don't tell me that I am strong because I'll show you in all ways how I'm not perfect, how I am weak, and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I am HUMAN! Imperfect, feeble little me!! I am capable of surviving just as much as anyone else is! And I am here to say yep.... it's just! I failed, failed, failed and than I kept trying, trying and trying and look at where it's gotten me?

These are the passions of my heart, these are the reasons I love my life... The reasons I am appreciative of the life I am living! I am worth it! I do deserve it! and I believe it more and more everyday I am alive! This passion!! is a passion for youth, a passion for people who have found themselves in a dark place, and feeling like there is no way out!

Look at my life! Look at my life more closely and see that I had every reason and I mean EVERY reason to not be here...It only took ONE REASON for me to still be here today!

It will be alright... I will get there!! I will wait another year and in this year you better believe death is not looking for me, and I have no desire for it!! I want to make a difference I've been on this road of my journey wanting to make a difference! Let me show you how powerful I can be! I will get there and I honestly can't wait for that!!

Everything else is temporary...

But there anyway I could get my heart back? cause if I don't.... While I'm going to scare myself out of this and than I'm going to ruin everything because I was the stupid idiot who revealed the most feeble weak piece of me...this is too vulnerable... too uncomfortable... I need to get myself back together... find that balance because if I don't find that balance I'm sorry to say I really don't believe I will make it! I won't be able to be a friend, a confident to the person I am with now...and if that falls apart..while I don't even want to talk about the repercussions of that...

Wish me luck as I continue on with my journey of finding myself continuously! loving it good and bad!! I will get there no doubt!

It is what it is!! <3

Friday, June 11, 2010


Write truth... be honest about myself and my situation... So here it goes... I won't reveal as much as I might need too but I need something to help me get out of this mindset and start getting back into my goal setting of the things I have meant for me in the near future...

Recently I met someone... I can't even describe to you in what ways I was attracted and how so strange it was... so unavoidable... I started chillin with this person and hanging out... and than without even thinking I did what I always do... and instead of establishing boundaries or even allowing myself to realize this has to become something more than this... It could have been more than this but I screwed it... I screwed it up by lying, by being the person I used to be. And now I'm finding myself in a position of trying and desiring to let go and I can't...

I need help.... I don't know what to do... I can't imagine how I could really get myself out of this mess.. and it's so stupid! I'm such an idiot for thinking that I could ever be ready to meet someone or that it could work in some ways when reality is... I'm an idiot since moving to Vancouver, no since I left Sean in Ontario I've pretty much allowed my stupidity, my desire for attraction, connection to interpret my relationships...Giving into my desires and the only person that gets hurt is me because I'm that low and that stupid!

I'm guilty and every time I have to think of it!! Do you know what happens to me! I grow anxiety because i know everything that's happened is wrong and I really messed up and there is no way of getting through this. How could I allow myself to be put in this place and to be in this place and so scared! so scared of truth, so scared and so ashamed of the choices I've made and the desire is growing in me to screw it all up and it's on my game plan because what's the point you know? i screwed up so lets see how far it can go

I know I'm not thinking in the right frame of mind... but I really messed up!

I'm supposed to write the good! So here is the good!... I met someone that I am attracted too and whether we can recover from this shit we pulled the last four days I'm not certain... I am certain I don't want to leave this person, nor this person leave my life either... I think that even if things have gone wrong I think we may have a lot to offer each other in a friendship way or something of that sort... I don't know.. that's stupid but the whole point of entering into this was that we were going to just be friends for a while get to know each other as this is the way I'm told is how to get to know someone... to set boundaries and just all this stuff I never knew of! I never allowed myself to be open to this idea of seeing someone and now that I haven't while now I'm in a place where I realize the consequences of not setting limits and I'm scared of the outcome more than anything I'm scared to walk away from it!
Either the good is that I met someone... someone I feel like I've learned a lot about and the more I learn the more I desire, and the more I desire the more I realize how lucky I am to have met someone in this place and just... trying to find balance after allowing chaos to happen...

So... regardless... i guess I'm talking this through trying to find a way to work this out in my mind so that I'm not where I am and i could find a way to be where i can be without these problems.. I really have really really disrupted truth in my mind and I'm trying to find a way back from it so that i'm not where I am you have no idea how much I need to not be where I am..

I can't self-destruct... i can recover from everything that's happened and if that means letting that person go for a time while maybe that's what i need to do! How to be ok with letting this go is the more difficult thing for me.. it's always been the hardest thing I've ever had to do! so I'm scared and I don't know if it's possible or even if it is can I or do I really want to do this!

I wish I could scream really loud because my chest hurts, my head is full of thoughts... I need to focus and just try my best to be ok! Writing about it didn't help either it just made me more afraid, and more scared and more so turmoiled!