feels like to be valued

I've been trying to think of why it's hard to think of everything..  I thought so strongly that we were gonna make it. By fluke of the last couple days I was sleeping next to her. An I had all these thoughts that it was going to be epic. I thought finally time with her. 

It's not what I'm thinking though.  I'm thinking why are we together. Why are we staying together. When I look into her eyes an she smiles. It is epic. When she lays in my arms it's epic. 

But when she isn't with me. We aren't talking. When we are together we aren't talking. We literally haven't had enough time to comprehend what she had said. 

It hurts to hear that she is listening to other people. She is believing other people about her relationship with me. 

I've tried to be patient. Fuck I have been the most understanding partner in the history of any fuckin person on the planet. I have stood by. Let her put us on the back burner. 

An when I look back at why it matters. I think of the times where she actually wanted me. She actually needed me. When she would call me from the hospital. When I showed up for the first time in almost a month. She said she cried from seeing me because she missed me so much an couldn't comprehend it. 

I think of those times as though she wanted to be with me. Needed to be with me. 

It is possible to survive this?

To survive at the idea that she may not want forever with me. That we are just wasting time ???? Waiting for something to come of it. Idk

I am told I overthink everything. An i watched a video that said an anxious partner or whatever an everything that she had said I could hear it. As If that was what I needed from my partner. My partner who bails on me every step of the way an causes me so much pain that I'm hurting myself to try an survive. 

But I'm beginning to burst into explosion because I'm hurting. I'm hurting so bad. I can't be happy. I can't feel anything but pain. As if one more terrible thing happen an I'll fall apart.

If I fell into old habits I guarantee I'll die.

An that's the worst when I tried to talk to someone about it. They scolded me as if I am a terrible person an should think of what I'll do to my kid. An I thought wouldn't it be better if he had someone more present in his life. Not someone who has checked out an I'm just not all here. I wish I was. I really can't think of him because I no longer feel best for him. 

An its Because I gave so much of myself to this relationship I feel like less of a person. I put on a fake face as if I'm fine. But I'm crumbling. I'm literally dying inside. An I'm fighting to try fight but I'm losing so badly. 

I'm losing the battle. An I dont know why this one relationship defines my whole life. Why did I give her that power over me. Why did I try so hard. Why did I think this was forever 

Why did she

How did we fuckn get here. Cause I'm dying inside