truth...

I got so much truth... I dont know what to think or feel. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I want to stay with her. It's super lame... people say I knew what I was getting into. But I didn't. I didn't know how painful these times would be that I have to stand aside. An watch her go thro whatever bs she is going thro. 

For many times. ... I have no damn answers... I dont know how to get her thro these times. I don't know if we're real. But then I say that. An then I think back to one of our last conversations. She had said she was literally ready to die. She had said all this stuff about being ready to die right then an there if I didn't say I loved her. 

I dont know.... 

I do love her. But then I spent my weekend listening to people who tell me people like this are not capable of love.  But she had said she loved me. An I'm trying so hard to have faith in that. 

I wish she'd talk to me. Or be there for me. Or focus on me. I feel like I'm in a losing battle with whatever is going on for her. I dont know. 

I'm so exhausted right now...but I just wanted to say fuck addiction. 

It's literally ruining my life. An watching what I'm watching. Listening to others. I'm like how can you love me 

There is nothing in me that is worthy of love. I'm literally a nobody. I'm not worth that kind of devotion. Over an over all people in my life betray me. So I have major issues when the person who says I'm her forever an yet keeps me at arm length. Remaining a friend or some bs. But she allegedly loves me. I just don't know how to just accept that. Wh3n there is nothing I can compare it too. No way to test it to be truth. 

An I definitely don't know what to do. I'm fuckin tired. Sn I'm hurting an I'm losing everything. 

My reality my future my pain.. I'm feeling as i did before but worse

. 

something ain't right

Maybe if I never wake up maybe it will be alright. Trying not to cry.

I have been fighting my fears..  fighting my truths. That I realized tonight that I don't matter to my partner the way I hoped too. 

Last year it was epic. She was present. She tried. An she showed up.  

Now... I can't talk to her. See her. Know whether she is alive or dead. 

I'm realizing that I allow her in my life in ways that I'll never be allowed in hers. 

I've got her in every aspect of my life. An yet that isn't mutual. 

Meaning I'm the only one in this relationship and I'm getting hurt more an more. 

It made me think of my lover in Ontario I fuckin loved thst person... loved in way that I've never loved before. An I never wanted it to be the end. I wanted forever. They wanted forever at least so they led me on to believe. 

One day our lives blew up an I was gone. An they were no where to be found.

Completely shattered.

But this relationship feels like that. May be why I'm fighting so hard to not end it. Because I want it to work. I want this to be the one

But I don't think it's true. An the more I'm fighting the reality the more I'm bleeding. 

I'm cutting more an more. Bleeding deeper an deeper. Tonight I went crazy as I always do... when I'm ignored for 2 days. An I was worried. I was expecting anything. An I got an angry response. Because my calls an texts made hrr angry. She'd rather sleep than talk to me. She'd rather be alone with herself then be forced to be in my presence even if it's by text.

I'm dying in pain. 

I'm trying to not feel the way I feel. But having her treat me that way makes me want to die. Because it hurts. It hurts. And it makes me think... Is this really what I deserve

All the relationships I have had. All the people i have hurt. Even to this day. I have no solid relationships besides with my kid. 

I have shut out everyone. I have boarded up all walls. An yet I'm being hurt by the people I've considered to be in my circle. 

People who I've seen being in thr same pattern of selfishness and not caring about me. 

Idk what to do... idk how to get out of this mindset... I'm stuck in this darkness.. I

I think I'm better off dead. The world could be better without me. 

She wouldn't have to get angry by my texts and phone calls. Or being forced to say ilove you when she doesn't even love at all. 

I'm losing my mind...

An I just want to die 

My family. My friends

I dont wanna live. I don't wanna go thro this. I just want it to end. I just want to feel nothing. 

I hate how much i care. I hate that I love her so much it hurts. 

I hate that I want the best for her. I hate that I feel I fall short of that. 

I hate that I am alive. I hate that I ever met her. Because if I didn't she wouldn't be forced to treat me this way. 

I hate that I feel thisbway. 

An I just want to bleed. To hurt. To break every part of my body. To rip out my heart an turn it to stone. 

I want to die. I want to get away from all this bs. I want to close this door. I want to never let myself feel this way. I want to go back to killing myself. To see the world is better without me. 

I have no family. I have a handful of friends. 

I'm dying in pain. 

silence...

It's killing me to hear the nothing.... to recognize how much someone doesn't matter in someone else's life. That their Meer words no longer hold the same value. 

I'm still feeling like she wants me here an says shit like I'm the only reason she is still here. But really how "here" am i if we have only seen each other 3 times in the last month. 

For someone to matter or have value it should be more than this.

I tried to think of all the times where I had treated people like this or something of the sort. How can I be the one deserving of this treatment. After being flooded with so much love an happiness. So much joy an content to be completely void. Blank. Blind to all the things that matter

I'd love to say it's just my relationship I'm talking about. But when I apply this to all the things in my world. I see the pattern of what I've allowed other people to do to me. Treat me. Under value me to choose when to be in my life and only when it's convenient for them. 

I've had enough of this from everyone.. I feel destructive an its not even toward anyone but myself how could I let myself be this willing to sacrifice so much of myself for others. Etc. 

I feel like I'm close the door of those people in my life. An its becoming recognizable that I'm not allowing the behavior to continue. An yet here I am still alone an still not having people willing to be there for me. 

How much I miss my friend. Who actually made time. To text. Call. Show up an hang out. 

And now I've got nada.

An if nada or people taking advantage of who I am. Ya I'd rather be alone. Yes I need new friends. I need things to focus on. An then I realized it even happens at my job. To allow them to under value my years of service. And treat me like this. 

I want to leave the job. Why have I pUT up with so much in my life. 

Then it comes down too.... wanting pain. Wanting to hurt. An wanting to die. Because even tho I hate everything that happened or what I let happen. If I walk away it's like only one door to go thro an it would be the door to death because i couldn't imagine ugh

I need to break the cycles but I'm in this one. An I have no one to ask how to get out. I dont have capacity to be willing to change or grow. Lol

Idk.. I'm losing my mind. And I'm hurting beyond measure. 

hate the happy

I dont know what I am doing. Or who I want in my life I'm not happy with how the last week has been... how easy it is to look in the mirror an put on a face/mask.. trying to hide the darkness of myself in myself. Hoping that as each day comes an goes people won't see me falling apart. 

I recently talked to someone...an their pain.. their pain an depression an how no one seen it. No one noticed it.

I realized that is what my upbringing was... my mom wouldn't show emotion. Wouldn't even tell us she loved us. But more so when things were difficult. When things were breakable. We never seen that. We never got to see the bad in that sense.

But I do have memories.....

Of the bad... things like being left at young age to fend for ourselves in the apartment because our parents were out partying whatever.

Or when the abuse happened for my mom.  An us having to hide ourselves. Lock ourselves in our roo.  Or being denied food. Or being told our dad who died of OD. Was a coward. Etc.

Lol there were lots of ways we went thro bad but most importantly we weren't taught how to cope with our feelings. How to ask for help. Or how to tell one another what is going on for us.

My family have spent so much time being snakes. Being people who stab one another in the back. 

We are sort of sectioned out. As tho we don't connect. We don't communicate. 

But it happens on all sides... 

I am terribly feeling a loss... an I'm scared. Because I feel like I'm losing a piece of my soul. A piece of my heart. As I dont know why my partner doesn't call. Doesn't text. Don't show up. Doesn't do much to keep our relationship alive. I've initiated all our conversations. And in the last month we had only seen each other 3 times..... for a relationship that has been ongoing for over a year.

So I feel like it's ending... i feel like idk if this is what she wants. Or what.

I dont know what she wants or what is important to her. It used to be that I was important. I'd be her first call. And now I get no call. No text. An I'm expected to keep this relationship alive. But my heart hurts...

Idk. 

Is there a way out of this madness I dont know. I know that I'm feeling like letting go.. not just my partner. But also anyone who tries ro hold me back. I'm stupidly hopeful that I matter to anyone. . That anyone would say something meaningful to me. But I don't have much hope it will be happening. 

Idk if the hope is dwindling. Hindering. Or the right choice for this circumstance