made to love

So for weeks it has felt like.... like our love was going down the drain. But out of the blue she finally showed up. I finally seen her spent time with her. 

I wanted to do more than what we did but she just seemed content on being with me. 

I have lost so much focus with this relationship. And just as I thought all these things she comes back. An I was dumb enough not to ask for explanation for proof. For anything. I literally just opened my heart back up and welcomed her without hesitation. 

I dont know what's wrong with me. I dont know why I don't ask the important things. Why I just take it as face value.

I love her. I love her more than anything but I'm also clouded in my judgment with her. I didn't ask about why she treated me this way. Why she's axed everyone out of her life. I only hope this is a beginning to having me back in her life. Or her coming back into my life. I don't know. 

I am so clouded... alls I want is forever. I'm scared to look back at the last year an see all that I had done. All that she had done and see it was all for nothing. I don't know. I'm losing my mind. I'm scared. I'm happy an I'm completely utterly in love with her. And I'm scared to hear people say otherwise. I worry about what their thoughts are about us. 

What does she think of us? Does she still want the world from me ? It really is so many things I need to ask. An I didn't ask. I dont know how to stay focused. It's just when she lays next to me. An is in my arms. It's as if we are home. An nothing else seems to matter an I dont know how to not let that cloud me. Because when i look at her. When I feel her. Even her scent. It' makes me clouded. Alls I want is to keep her happy. I want to give up my whole world. 

I dont know . I don't know how to live my life if she isn't in it. An I dont know how to bring her back into my life. I tried so hard to not jump right back in but the reality is. I missed her. I missed her so much. An I just wanted to live in that moment even if it wasn't for very long. 

Maybe I'm insane... maybe I'm just completely psychotic. 

I dont know anymore. 

losing focus

I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel as though I've spent my last year beyond fragile. 

I poured out my heart. An thought my love was trusting me. But it doesn't seem to be that way now. 

I can't talk to anyone because the response remains the same. This isn't a normal relationship. This isn't how relationships are meant to be. However because I am who I am. I felt like I could withstand anything. I could withstand the silence. That I could matter enough.

But it doesn't seem to be the case. 

No matter how much I try to make my presence be here the outcome remains the same. 

For the first time in my life. 

I am faced with a relationship that once was beautiful. Felt like it was meant to be forever. To now I'm the furthest thing from it an possibly don't even exist. 

My partner. Is in a place... like that fucked up movie. Sinister. It's like she's here but her spirit is not. She is unreachable. I can't connect with her. An she may try reach out but not really. No matter what I say or do she is not here. 

I dont know if I matter to her. I'm supposed to have faith in her an us but I feel like I'm an idiot. She doesn't have faith or maybe she does but doesn't express it. 

I matter maybe. 

There's no room for doubt and that's all I feel. Her silence breaks my heart. An if I matter than why is she not here with me. 

She said so much crap an proved to be like everyone. Or is she still here.

An I say it in the sense that she is struggling an I know. But from what. I also know. The problem is how she is coping with that. I believe she is gone back to terrible measures such as drugs. An that is one thing that I have never dealt with in a relationship. An I work around addictions an yet never felt it this close to my heart till now. 

I feel broken. I feel shattered. I feel as though I'm not sure where to go or how to go from here. 

I'm ready to give up. An this is exactly where she likes me being. 

I feel like a fool. I feel like my heart is breaking. I feel like giving up not just on her but everything. 

I've spent a year of my life trying. Trying to maintain our happiness. Anyet she couldn't care at all. Or maybe she does. Maybe she is allegedly fighting to get back to me. I don't know. 

I know my way of coping with this is bad. An the more I open this door. The more I'm going to fall apart and possibly do something.

Is it possible to love someone through this. To love them beyond these things. I can't live without her. An I can't imagine a future without her. An I dont know what to do. Besides do something stupid.