loyal

I'm struggling... I'm always struggling... I dont know how to explain myself or why I have so much faith in this relationship. She knows she's hurting me. She knows what she is doing is causing me pain but it doesn't stop her.

I know she won't show up for me. I was thinking about this.. how great it would be that she'd show up for me. But it's no longer within her capabilities... In the beginning... she was able to jump. Fly over. Or whatever. An now.. I hardly know anything. I know less than anything. An the more I realize this the more painful it is to be with her.

I dont know what to think anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know...why I am allowing this to be part of my life. 

I dont know how to let go. I don't know how to walk away. Because I love her. I want to be with her forever. 

I dont know what it is that makes me feel certain. We hardly see one another. We hardly talk. When we started this... I felt it. I felt it beyond a feeling of connection. 

An I loved how safe she felt with me. Or how secure I made her feel by my presence. I loved holding her in my arms. I loved everything. An we carried on for 3 months before it began falling apart. An we tried for the year to figure it out. But no matter how much I try. There's always so much going on in her life. So much she has to do or figure out which means closing the door on me, but instead of doing that. She's trying to hold onto me. 

I dont know why... 

Why is it worthy... why is it that I am worth this. When I yelled or argued with her that week or so ago. I thought she'd wanna change I thought she'd wanna make us work. I liked hearing that me saying what I did. Was kick to the gut for her to see what she was doing to me was selfish and served no one but her. I want to stay with her. I want to fight for us I believe in us. But I want better. I want greater I want so much.

It's funny she had said. That she had to communicate. That it wasn't a problem with me but with her. For the first time I met someone who's worse at communicating then I am. An worst off I feel like.... what lingers in my mind. Is that she had said she didn't feel like she could be herself around me and to me. That seems like a concern.. if you can't be yourself complete all an all with the person you're devoting your life too. Then what in the world is the point. What is exciting about staying with me. In the present I'm not talking about the future I'm talking right here an now..

Why... why. 

And why am I always in my head. Why am I undiagnosed. 

Lol

Out last encounter.. I wasn't willing to be my absolute self.. I had hid some parts of myself from her. An she didn't notice. If she had she'd have seen that I was getting worse in my cutting. That it's escalating. I'm losing my mind. Seeking out situations thst will cause me to turn to the one thing I love an has yet to fall me