Thursday, December 31, 2009

good enough

I spent the last few hours actually doing something I didn't think i would do... a community came together to bring food and clothes to the homeless..I have never been against this idea but I just i didn't think I could personally come together for all of that... I mean I found it difficult at first being a part of these events because I was with the girls and the one major thing I have a problem with is trusting that they would be alright in any situation.. but once I was distracted i was able to just enjoy the laughter and joy of the community I found myself in.

i thought about it and thought is this good enough? I have done alot this past few years or even all my life of helping others and my community.. I mean i had shared the stories of my personal times downtown.. i had many times many memories, many experiences of being on skidrow.. it has changed alot.. and it's getting should actually hear a lot of people who are having a problem with the new year coming around an the changes created around and how it's effecting the people...a lot of people seem to want to rise up against the whatever it is..

I'm really tired.. i'm not feeling well.. i'm feeling nervous you know.. the new year is coming will be here shortly..and I'm still scared but I'm also trying to figure things out you know? I mean I finally was able to answer some of my own questions by learning the life experiences of those i really love that are role models.. well I learned some interesting things from hearing them and it has helped me change things for myself..

however.. even if these things could change would change, etc... I dont know i feel like making this choice or promise to myself if just one more time something happens..than that would be it for me...but no one can live like that..because something will happen and I just have to figure out in what ways I want to deal with it..

I have a lot to think about as the time winds down and thankfully i dont have to figure it all out in a few hours I have a whole year to decide what kind of person I wish to be..

Im heading out.. going to meet my cousins and chill out and enjoy a good night hopefully with my cousins.. i can't believe how things have come together, or how lame things have just become in the last day.. it's been a really interestingly sad journey.. but I guess.its part of my life

Happy new year!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

your choice your future

I made the right decision..even in my own pain and loss of emotions of feeling of anything.. I made the right decision and did what made me feel feelings.. I had hoped that I'd walk into a situation honestly that would cause me anger but I guess I've been waiting for that long enough that the day will never come.
I went to see my lady... as she arrived so there.. so real.. so perfect.. the joy of having her return to this city... seriously something about my lady that just makes me smile.. even in trying to be angry trying to be something other than happy to see not possible.. We ended up spending a lot more time together than I had originally thought...which was pretty awesome for the just of it...sometimes the greatness, the goodness even if only an hour.. that hour or more was all I felt I needed to be okay with today..

I'm trapped in the idea of what the new year will come too.. The reality of things is that i have looked at this year... and last year...and I'm trying to find that thing you know? that thing that will make the new year different from the last two... the first year I was drinking like crazy for good reason I don't need to list off who died, and what the meaning of their deaths meant in my life.. this year... well death came again in a more hurtful way more painful than my own father's death which I could say is one reason I was drinking this year, and why i felt the pain and torment and have now manymany scars to add to this horrible collection of visible pain.
so... what could I change? what have I not tried that could be tried? I mean we've done the counselling thing for years now, I have been in counselling and even went further than that but what or how has it effected or changed my life? it hasnt really and it's been a really shitty deal for me..
For one of the first times in my life I cried out for help, I freakin screamed at the top of my lungs that I needed help but it was there temporarily.. it didn't last...just as much as my friends in my life these last two years that didn't last either..
I have been contemplating a lot of things...trying to find that one thing that makes me greater, makes me more alive..that makes me be able to withstand all that I am now facing.... I wish I could say the new year will bring about many victories and maybe it will...,but this following week will be risky and I will honestly tremble and feel fear for a fraction of a second before i turn into the beast...and rise up against the oppression that may try come against my family..

After that is over..

How or what do I need to do?? how will I find my way through these sorts of messes? how will I react, or act or what can i change now that has never changed before? I mean... if there is a fighter in me, if there is this part of me that can survive these events in my do I make that fighter come to choose to fight, to choose to live, to choose to love living, to choose to have do I do that?
even if I did that...what are the outcomes of enjoying my life...cause we can't forget what kind of person I am... the good cannot happen without the bad..and if the bad comes it will be created by my own hands because I'm not sure how much death I can deal with..and if I start thinking this way well how or in what ways can I change my thinking so that I'm not consumed by good without the bad..or consumed that I must create the bad so that i don't have to be dealing with unexpected badness...

Are you as confused as me?

i dont know... I don't even know where to begin... i cant fix anyone..I can't help anyone even if I want to beat the crap outta certain family members.. I have to stand at the sidelines... but one thing my lady said that got to to never give up on them... sadly enough I forgot about this.. Can you believe that?? I forgot what it felt like to not give up on someone, to love without limits.. i mean for my younger brothers and sisters it's easy for me to love them they are kids.. but for my brother and older sister...well it breaks me.. it makes me feel my heart feel it being ripped outta me as I see them doing thing Dave told me is that weed is no different any longer than hardcore drugs... cause you know what.. you don't know the difference anymore addiction is addictions...(phone call lost train of thought)
Either way.. I had forgotten my idea and choice and decision to never give up.. I forgot about this with my sister, with my brother even.. I have felt so consumed by all this stuff all the consquences of their choices and the ripple effects, I forgot that I loved without limits and especially towards these people in my life that make the choice and decision to struggle without addiction, aware or not..

wow!!! so consumed right now..

The new year.. needs to really look like a new year for me.. none of what it is or seems to be with me.. I need more outta this than what I have... cause I'm scared..that it's not going to be any different and it's going to hurt maybe less or more than these last two... I'm not sure how much more I can endure these moments and pains enough as is.. I need more goodness, I need more I need more reminders of what it means to love someone without limits, I need positive influences so that i never forget why I choose to be who I am now..

Struggle...struggle struggle..

Just for one day I wish....

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

running circles

Its difficult for me to imagine having to write the words I'm about to write but I know it needs to be said.. this is my life.. and i can choose with it what i will because I am alright with it..
I have acted foolishly lately.. running back to old habits, old lifestyle old feelings even.. this worthlessness in me, this hopelessness that i want so badly.. no matter what i do there is life in me.. and lastnight when i talked to my mentor and friend it was proven very true.
I have surrounded myself with things of life that are not meant to be mine. dont get me wrong I have been here helping my family get through this time, and I've helped so many times.. but I realize the draining feeling I have felt for so long.. but deep down underneath this 'I dont care' attitude there in the depths of it all there is me... wanting to do better.. wanting to make better of the future of my situation.. i do want to change.. I want more outta life that what has been given to me...
I'm looking at this last year... well this year really.. and looking at the days that aare counting down too the new year... truth be told I'm afraid I'm going to fail.. I'm going to make poor decisions that I already have, and that I will hurt the people I care for the most.. my lady as much as it bothers me that she's with me, that she loves me, and that I am reminded of the pain I've caused her.. regardless of those things she is still with me..she is still loving me and standing by me even when I'm not me.. I am gifted with the greatest relationship ever known to the history of man kind.. no one in the world could ever be loved this much, to be cared for this much, to be able to count on someone, to be loved unconditionally and even to test that love and still realize nothing has faltered.. she is still with me..

I'm scared... right down to it right to the point... I'm scared that I am going to fail at living.. I'm going to ruin my life and everyone is looking at this new year as new opportunity, new goals, and just new things..and I'm looking at it and seeing the heartache I have faced this year will be carried onto the next year.. I will need someone with me to help me.. but I will also need to help myself in order to get that relationship I need to survive these horrific memories of this year.. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes as i realize how terrified I am..
Do you know how difficult it was? to look into the eyes of someone who loves me? someone who I've tested time and again and yet no matter what I did, what I said, how much it hurt her she still loved me this love was unconditional..there is nothing I've had to do to earn her love she just loves me..
I'm scared... I'm terrified that even though right now the only thing keeping me going is school. I'm scared I'm going to get back to the breaking point and I'm not going to make it.. so instead of thinking of how I'm terrified how scared I am... I'm trying to prove why I'm not worth it.. how this future of mine isn't worth it..

i mean... I am not family..this is true.. I have risen above all these oppressive things, and chosen to be more... choosen this by some miracle by the grace of God.. I am who I am now.. and yet even in knowing these things I still try fall back because... walking into greatness the work, the hard work of believing in oneself and moving forward.. this terrifies me.. and reality is that officer Michelle was right.. after a suicide attempt the reality is that the difficult thing about moving forward in life is trying to be okay with living..
I'm scared that I can't make it! I'm scared that these things that have haunted me this year will continue onto the next year and I will just continue this cycle of pain i have caused, and I have will all just continue to the next year..this is one major reason I'd rather not have made it through the holidays.

As the situations all come to mind.. as I see all that I have become and all that has happened.. all these past this past month actually.. I am realizing the oppression that is trying to suffocate me the things that brought me down in the past, the evilness of whatever it's trying to break me down.. and I've allowed it.. I've sat and allwed the pain to come this way... I didn't try stop it I didn't go to help, and i didn't turn to my positive influences..instead i stayed where i am to be what I've always been, and do what I've always done... because this is the state of me that is comfortable..this is where i lose the will to change..
I'm crazy aren't I??? i wish i were..

reallity is that I am not... I am blessed beyond what I have people in my life supporting me, to be loved this much, and to have whatever fighter instinc in me that has kept me alive all this time.. so where do i go from here?
My guess is that I have a choice to make.. to reach out for help to grasp more resources of people that can help me through this chaos of a mess.. that can guide me in these timse, or not even guide but support me, care for me when I don't care for myself..

I realize these things because I see what i am becoming and where I'm going..and as much as I want to let all the darkness envelope me all the pain just destroy me.. .I also realize that there might be more... there might be more to my life that can help others, apparently i have a gift for these abilities of helping others..
I really messed up lately.. I really lost it in these thoughts of mine.. and tomorrow might change tomorrow i might change, or tomorrow i will decide that this is who i want to be.. I will sleep on it because I am deprived of sleep as usual what a suprise... and hope that the rest will help my mind think more clearly.. but I know as I feel it now... the loss that I am beginning to feel and realizing what it is that i am losing..

im sorry.. that i keep getting lost.. that i can't make up my mind.. but i also can't make the right choices as much i had hoped i could.. life here in Vancouver has changed tremendously for me.. I am grown up now, and i am seperated from all the influential people that helped me in the past few years of my life...and their guidance, their opinion helped me.. helped me stay me. and not everything i am now.. without that.. without the right supports of those who love me.. well I am just a broken record continuing with the same tune until no one is left in my life to care about me..

rock bottom

We have all heard the phrase have to wait till they hit "rock bottom" it means a lot of things to a lot of people and the idea of it is that it's supposed to show you your actions that are wrong and what needs to be done so that the decisions you make in the future won't be as they are now. i dont know if that makes sense but the idea for me is that it changes the ways of life... its a choice a decision that is made by one person and one person alone.. there might be people around that love that person that help them make the right decision or whatever..
I'm think of this phrase for many reasons.. cause I guess in a sense my rock bottom had a lot to do with the people in my life, and the scars on my left arm.. a time in my life that no matter how much i try I will never remember that dreadful night...I'll know how it affected the one person I love and care for tremendously, and I know how much my close friends and family wish they had been there to stop me.. no matter what I do I won't remember... its called the blackout state of mind when I got wasted.. well... that was supposed to be my rock bottom that was the time to realize what I had done I can change things so that it won't ever come to that again..

The idea of my rock bottom had a lot to do with the scar on my arm and the month that I spent in the hospital for my suicidal or whatever attempt it had been.. I have heard three different stories of that night from three different people one of whom apparently i owe them a sweater which I found profound my life almost ended that night... and yet now I owe someone a sweater.. what the heck was up with showed me what kind of people I had in my life and what kinds of people I want to have in my life. well than..
I had one lady.. my lady who has been in my life for nearly a year and I could not.. even express the feelings of that... this an unstoppable woman.. no matter what I do now she won't leave me, she won't stop believing in me..when I fall apart when I try to commit suicide after even that event..she is still here standing by me..believing in me and bringing about memories, things that remind me of why I am what I am now.. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at my left arm and regret surviving that night...the ripple effects of that night have been surviving to now and I regret everything I did.. and all the choices and everything that led up to it..
This wasn't about me..but it's bringing about feelings in me that I cannot help but express.. how much I regret surviving that night and no matter what I do I survived..
Tonight I was suprised to find out that my mentor and friend had a chat with me... and this chat had everything to do with this destiny..this future of mine that is meant to be..
How every obstacle that I have faced I have survived even in the midst of turmoil and darkness how that I have the heart to reach people and change their lives in ways that sometimes I hardly know of...and tonight.. for the first time I realized that's what I did to my ladys life.. there is something remarkable about her...something splendid about knowing her and being in her life, something great about being loved by her, and loving her...there is something in me that won't and refuses to leave her and yet refuses to stay close to her.. and tonight my dear friend mentor and friend spoke to me and asked me if I still used the techinque i had used about needing to be rescued often... and I realized..sadly enough this is the turmoil I have put my lady into.. I have done this techinique earlier on in my life apparently... and use it now... those nights of calling in great despair, those nights of getting wasted and trying to end it all... her reaction was the key to my life.. the key to my future... and no matter what I did she responded..

so now...

I wonder... sadly this worth it? how do i change what I've always been to something else? I dont want to be this person I don't want to be in the past, I dont want this responsibility of my family and I dont want to have to be what I've always been...If I have been created for greatness shouldn't I be more than what I am now? shouldn't I be less of what I am and more of him? should I let go of 589? should I get over my self-pity and really reach down and grab all these things that have caused me to be where I am now..???????
How do I change a friendship...a love like this? how do I make it less emotional and more everything else? I don't need another codependent relationship? I don't need another person needing me? I dont need to freakin be all i ever was...I need to be more than I ever was, I need to move forward in my life.. and I don't want to be rescued.. because honestly when you get right down to it.... I have something in, breathing, and fighting for the future..even when I dont there is something in me that survived that night, something that has kept me alive and kept me breathing even when I don't want too..

I'm confused.. I'm very confused... when I look at this relationship.. I honestly.. feel a loss as if I can't have fun, I can't do this and i can't do that.. I can't enjoy a time with her that I used to have because I am so full of full of full of anger that I hurt her... I hurt her I wounded her in a way that cannot be explained, a pain I don't even know what it is..instead of her telling me....we move past it...and yet it lingers in my mind and I'm lost... I'm lost.. I dont deserve her, I dont deserve this love and I dont deserve her for everything I've done and the more I'm with her the more Im reminded of how much I have hurt her, how much I have fallen apart how I have always been in the dark!!

Once again so off track...

The main point of this blog tonight...was to talk about the situation that I am finding myself more and more again... a pain..a reality of things that are going on.. I have been asked to make a very difficult decision that I am not sure I can make... I worry of the ripple effects, I worry that I will be hated..but than... this is not the way that I need to be thinking.. the point of my actions is that I care... I care for this person so much more than myself and it requires me to make a decision that I am worried about..but I hope and pray and if one wish would be that this person sees the light that I had seen... the need for scary and painful as it is... there is a future.. no matter how hard I fight it... I didn't even think I'd make it through this holiday I diidn't think I'd be alive and although I've survived some fucked up situations..the reality is i am here.. and this is proof that.... there is life in me..there is a desire for me to change.. an in order for that to happen.. I need to share this desire to change with someone very very close to me..this person has so much going for them, so much of a future... but it requires this rock bottom.. this choice, this decision.... if I do not do this..the ripple effects will be immediate danger to those I care for the most... and so what do I do?? how do I act..react..
i'm lost in this situation..but with much prayer from my mentor and friend, much chatting tonight I realized the decision is obvious as painful as it will be... I must do this.. this is the choice and decision that person will have to live with..because I love that person more than my own life if I could I'd take away all their pain, all their tears, and I'd just really take on every darkness this person is going through I'd become all of it.. but this isn't the imaginery world.. the reality is that this person has allowed this turmoil in their life and I have to try and hope that they will see the light and that i have to help them see it...
i'm not sure if it's possible if this is really what I want to do... but I can only hope...that it all works out..because there are many lives at stack for this.. so.. tomorrow judgement day I will be going and talking this through with the people that need to hear it and I hope that whatever decision is made..that victory will be there for this person..

I can only hope for the best... I have to do this..

Sunday, December 27, 2009

back to the start

It's a little difficult to imagine this year coming to an end.. As I look back at all the crap I have endured, all that I put myself through.. wow if only I could even count for you how many times I ended up in the hospital, how many times I tried to end it all.. How many times I've watched friedns of mine come in and out of my life in a blink of eye.. I dont blame anyone who leaves my life if I could successfully leave my life I would too..I'm choas..I bring about an enormous amount of pain that is not needed for any relationship..
I mean even as I write these words my lady is a few thousand miles away and the last time I texted her was two days ago. look at the friend I am? I dont know how to talk to anyone when I feel the mess I feel now...the fears of everything, the many wrong things being done in my life that I have to feel the way I do.. i have to fix things that normally wouldn't be my place to fix but because it involves family members well that speaks for itself... some like me this way..the protective super human that I am when I'm protecting my family, but you know really... really underneath the shit of it all..I'm shaking outta hell being scared to death... wishing that I didn't have to play this role.. I dont like this person I am..because it's like..
you remember how I said i had changed? well when I become what I am now..those feelings, those urges return to me to become as i was and to just destroy myself to benefit the safety of my family.. the sacrifice for this kind of person I am is to sacrifice my own needs, my responsibilities, and my soul pretty much.. soon enough there won't be a me..there will just be this person that i tried to crucify those years ago..
so than.. we go too.. why don't i just leave? why don't i just walk away and let my mother deal with these issues at hand? why not give her the resources for all the needs here.. well that's simple because i don't trust that anyone can do what I do, and I don't believe my mom realizes the danger that has been brought onto them.

in this past we come to a close.. sadly enough..there is only one thing I would love to walk back too..and of course deep down there is that fighter...but for right now in my current circumstances all these things I'm facing... I say I wish i walked away...I wish that I didnt do everything i did..that one day... I was given a decision to walk away or fight... and sadly enough I chose to fight.. and the outcome of that is that I've destroyed a lot of lives, I've destroyed myself and I've wounded tons of people...I've lost people's trust, people's respect, and just friends all around because i stayed to fight...I didn't walk away..if I had walked away i wouldn't feel all I feel now, I wouldn't think that there was hope or reason...I wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with me and I'd still be tied up on old flames.. sadly enough this is not the case..and no matter what I say.. I can't seem to stand strong on how I wished I was back there..because deep down reality is that I wasn't satisfied I wasn't happy..but
I guess when I'm aware of all the problems I have, and all the things that make me less of a person well realizing I need to work on those things and yet looking back at all family my friends and seeing where they are at..once again I want to step back and not go forward.. I dont want to do it you know? doesn't make sense I'm crazy about staying where I was and not moving forward...

I look at this year...and all that I did all the pain I caused..and sometimes I can't even look at myself.. the first year I had an excuse for the pain I had endured..but this year... everything that I did I did on my own, by my hands I suffered, by my choices and decisions I single handedly destroyed my life..opportunity to become something or someone..this was the new goal.. to really believe in myself, believe in what people seen in me that was worth believing in.. however i dont feel it any longer.
I look at this year.. look at these damn scars and I regret not walking away.. I hated that I didn't walk away because as not happy as I was, I was comfortable not being aware of all the problems I have..and facing them now.. feeling the way I do..I just honestly wish I could start it all over again and walk away..

I'm frustrated... I'm really confused about everything..I mean even though I've hurt and been hurt, that I've broken hearts and lives, I have done something those things start the list of reaching out for help, getting a place to live, and getting into College.. so than.. maybe there is something else for me? And I have to get over my own pity of my own pain and the pain of others, those who don't forgive me for what i've done well it's their choice and it's their right..i've really been destructive.. but now.. i have to let it go..and even in that... I'm honestly tired of that idea... tired of letting go when really...
there are days I feel this worthless feeling of being alive, being a waste of air, being a waste of a good name... and just being as messed up as i am..with the kind of past I have.I feel like I don't deserve this you know? why me? why does it have to be me? I mean why can't it be someone else? Why does it have to be me?

How do people struggle with these things and yet find their way to victory? how can this happen, why does it have to be me? I can't seem to find my way through these times and honestly my body is on it's last straw of taking another beating..
I'm feeling lost.. what a suprise right? that I feel this way? i chose this you know? that's the bottom line..if I hadn't chosen this well I wouldnt be here right now..

Saturday, December 26, 2009

its over

the dishes are done.only took me couple hours to clean up the house...I am now sitting in my blue room listenning to the laughter of my two sisters... After writing lastnight I was reminded that life is not that easy for me... things are going to get real difficult.. and I'm worried about the situations that I will soon face... a real test of my heart, a taste of the strength in my fist, or my words..
I feel extremly sad about the events that happened lastnight... lets start off with the only person who can ruin anyone's life..his name is Bob.. he took my brother out on Christmas eve and they got was then after that my brother told me a situation that he will have to deal with at the cost of the safety of those I care for.. I won't lie.. I broke down in anger and frustration and took it out on myself..feeling like once again that I had failed..if only I would've known, if only this or that.these things won't change what he did..and now I must live with this fear..and hope that all my peeps who told me if ever I needed a favor they would be there for me...this is the time I might be calling up my boys.
I wrote a nasty e-mail to my lady... I was upset and I was scared.. I didn't know what to do.. this is a time of family, of love, laughter or just a sense of peace of mind..and instead within 25min my idea of christmas came to an realizing the circumstances I have now found myself in and the choices and decisions I make will determine the outcome of something that no family should ever face...once again a testiment to the burden that I find myself carrying in this family.

those are yesterdays worrys tho

I want to say.. regardless of all the worry and anger that i held.. I put on facade, I put on my mask for a day like today... to be enveloped with family... we laughed, we shared an unspeakable joy together that carries on as i write my thoughts...just downstairs my sisters are unaware of the situations or circumstances, or even the consequences that may arise... they won't know unless something I am now going to be here to make sure that doesn't happen. I'm going to call in my friend who is the only man I trust, the only person I know that could help me deal with this kind of situation
sorry off track again..this is honestly bothering me tremendously... and I wish that I could go back in time and make my brother make better decisions...I wish that I couldve been here for him the way he needed me to be...however the cost of that would've probably been my life because I was a real broken mess..and although in many ways I still am..there has been a change in my life..and no matter what I say or do my lady along with many others won't let me forget that there is change in my life...that I've come a long way since I was 18yrs old..making the decision for Ontario regardless that I'm sad at what's happened in my family since I was gone.. i realize that it was the best decision for me because I know now that if I hadn't made that decision I couldn't be here today.. was beautiful... this is all I wanted... was to sit an enjoy the joy in the eyes of my brothers and sisters even my mother... to see them happy.. we didn't argue, we all helped and we all worked together as a family.the way I had hoped could come to pass for so long. it wasn't about who did what, who didn't do this or that.. we all chipped in, we all got to enjoy a game system.. Wii can you believe that???? My family recieved a Wii system!! I couldn't believe it and how much fun we all had on it all day... it was only about three hours ago that we all started to wind down and stop playing..because my mom went to bed, and I went on a cleaning spree.. we shared an amazing dinner together...and than we watched my mom and my uncle Dave learn how to play Wii.. it was wonderful.. this is exactly how I would've wanted to spend fighting, no yelling, nothing like that...we all shared, we all communicated.. we all were here together spending Christmas together..enjoying new clothes, new games, new laughter, and just the joy that I had felt I needed.
for a brief moment I was able to get past what I might have to do or who I might have to become and i was able to enjoy myself and have some fun...i'm actually competitive when it comes to games I try my best and quick to learn and kick ass..

It doesn't change... what may or may not happen..and I now know what I have to do to protect my family..protect myself...and make the right decision no matter the cost.. I didn't get our family in this mess but you better be sure i'm going to get us out.. there is no way in the world I want my younger brothers and sisters to pay the price for something my brother decided to do..
it hurts me you know??

I wish...just for one day.. my father could be here.. to speak to the boys, to love them, and share his love and stories with tell them the price the consequence and cost that comes too when making selfish irreversible decisions...
I missed my father a lot today... as the girls made their father an account on Wii it made me think.. you know.. if only... if only.. I know things would be not as they are now if only he hadn't gone away..if he hadn't died..

I had start the new year with some goodness..but i feel I have thought very wrong an will be facing some unspeakable consequences of someone else's actions.. but once again this is where the person..the person i have been and will continue to be..the one that holds strong and unbreakable values in my family... to become the brick, the beast, the unbreakable person the rock, the everything that would prevent harm from rising up on any of them... I can't fail at this again.. I can't let them go through this alone..not after I've created all the respect from the streets, from close friends who have connections, from all my supports... I won't give up that easily..and I wont feed my brother to the lions..he will not walk through this difficult journey alone and I will be here for him..I am determined
I have decided to put all my stuff aside...what a suprise eh? lol and focus on getting my brother outta this mess he has found himself in.. and hopefully after that get him some serious help from someone anyone who is able to reach out to him in ways that I never will..

This was a good day..even with the bad news... it was good because I spent it with my family and i spent it here...alive...maybe broken bruised an bleeding but I'm here..and for now that's all I have you know? for now it has to be enough..because I can't give any more than I already have..

Merry Christmas everyone!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas history

I just read a bulletin from a cause I am involved in on FB and it compelled me to write a great thanks to the person who had the heart to share those amazing words exactly what I needed at a time like this... words of encouragement, inspiration, and strength to continue on living and loving at whatever way that is coming my way.

I left my mothers house lastnight in anger in tears really... the arguing and lack of giving that happened in this house finally became more than I could handle and I finally had enough.. enough of the fighting, enough of feeling like I didn't matter, that my presence here didn't matter. It honestly felt like history recreating itself in a way that hurt me beyond I left the situation..
Anyhow... I came back and since returning things have been good.. no arguing and an honest sense of helping eachother.

But this note that I read... it was from a stranger as I know it...but it was telling me that I'm worth it even during this season and time in my life. that no matter what I've done this past year of my life no matter the damage I caused, no matter the heartaches I've had, and everything literally EVERYTHING is going to be tell me that I'm worth life is worth living, my life is worth living...words of the greatest encouragement that I could ever comprhend to say how much that letter made my day made me realize how important I am no matter what goes on in my head.
Sadly enough as strong and courageous as some may think I am... the image I've created for myself has been beyond repair.. At times I feel the worthlessness in the depths of my soul and it creeps up and I destroy every good thing in my life... trying to battle with myself and tell myself that I'm not worth this life.. especially at this time of the year.. of time.. etc.. I could not feel more hopeless in knowing I'm not completely certain how much i can be here for my family... I battle my own self in all the has happened...

To live each day... to be here eachday... trying to live... its beyond words I can speak of how much pain and suffering the trials and tribulations of my life have caused me great pain.. the obvious signs of my trauma are written and forever scars on my arms... this was in the past eight months of my life... to even imagine going through another year of anything... it's a breaking point for me.. to find the courage even just for today to be all that I need to get through the day.. I dont know how to do it you know? the facade of me... is the one that says everything is fine, or that I dont care anymore.. really these are the signs of the true brokenness of my heart...
I have felt that I have failed... failed at living... People tell me to keep going..even when I don't think I can stand another step of this day... people continue to tell me to keep fighting.. to not drink, not cut.. not go back into the lifestyle I had made for myself in believing so wholeheartidly that this was the way I'd spend the rest of my a broken mess of whatever


this letter came to me...and made me feel what I have waited to feel all this time... a love.. an honest love that came from a doesn't matter if i dont have presents, that I may be disappointed tomorrow with my family arguing.. the greatest thing is that someone out there cared enough to send a message of love, of strength, and just life... this is what I needed and what I love beyond what words can say.

you know... there are tons of people who believe so strongly in me...that sometimes their love and strength that is sent is more than I could handle... I always think if only they would walk one day in my shoes to feel the things I do in a day, to feel the heartache of each day.. the fear of failing.. the worthlessness of my past the creeps up and reminds me that I'll never really get there you know? just to understand why I feel this way... act this way.
but I guess..inspite of all that I feel I am facing... there is a fighter underneath all these things in my life..
If there wasnt...I'm certain I would not be here now.

So than.. after realizing even if there is still someone here in me..beneath the darkness of me there is a fighter...

Today for the second time.. I went through Skid Row... seeing Pigeon Park a landmark in my life.. as it was the times I seen my father for the last times he was alive.. than when we think of that and see it now...what I would give just to be held in his arms you know?
the Christmas history... well.. the greatest most precious Christmas i will forever remember is when my father... for the first and last time.. he was clean and sober and he spent Christmas with us for the first and last time.. he had couple things he wanted for Christmas.. first was to be clean and sober, second was to hold his son Jeffrey for the first time which happened, and last was just to be with us..which he was... this christmas is forever engraved in my soul.. because it wasn't about the values of how much money is in the persons pocket, had nothing to do with things like ps3 or games, clothes, nothing like that.. all it was is family... all my father wanted was to be with family..and that's all I hold true too as well.. thats all I want

My younger sisters father is back.. I hope it won't be difficult because I really don't want to destroy my family single handly... I'm here to enjoy Christmas with my family at whatever way I can.. to capture the goodness..because I'm desperate for the beauties of this time in my life.

will see how it goes..

I miss my lady tons and I love her unconditionally.. I send her a Merry Christmas and all my love <3

I send a Merry Christmas to all who read my blog.. we are living in a world of great beauties, great opportunities.. great gifts.. watch for them.. enjoy your family.. enjoy your friends.. and just as I was told.. know your worth more than you know!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

come so hard

well it seems at the moment my cat doesn't like my computer as I write the words of tonight my precious cat sits pretty close to my

Its kind of crazy to think of lastnight and how terrible I felt physically and how much it's different today and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the medications I've been taking.. however even with the medications I still didn't stop..I forced myself to get up and do stuff i fell asleep which was nice... but... than I went off helping everyone in the house and than by tonight I did all the dishes some with my brother and than i finished them off. I figure if anything I might as well do it as I wasn't tired.
It got me thinking...of some times I remember in the past...its so stupid that this comes to mind.. but most of the Christmas or so that I remember when it was a special occassion it was always my father who cleaned up and did everything... so tonight when I did the dishes I figured maybe he did them because it was his way of telling her he loved her, and wanted to help her.

I think the holidays are most difficult for me because I know he's not around and I'm not sure I will ever forget him or the times we had together... I know there were a lot of things he did that I didn't understand because I was so young, he was struggling so much... but he was also my all his glory in all his essence he was my father...and no matter the memories I have of him in whatever ways I have them...there isn't a time that I don't know what it's like to have him with me, to have him hold me in his arms, to cry in front of me..and to smile, laugh and enjoy some good times... I was thinking about it tonight as I was channel surfing looking for Christmas programs..I remember when I was a kid those cheesy christmas movies on TV how entertaining they were...and how lucky I felt to have been able to spend that time with my father... sitting on his favorite chair he held me in his arms... man alive could not describe how much I know I was loved by him, and since he's been gone...I think there's a lot of fear around trust, love etc.
Living life... living now... its difficult... with all my glory and goodness just like any human person I have my flaws too... some things I'm not proud of but things that I don't regret you know?

I mean of all things my scars as horrible as they are..they don't have to be my whole life you know? I don't have to be defined by these scars on my body...i could choose to rise above this darkness. I mean the past few weeks... have been beyond difficult for me to deal with and I have been in a place because of whatever reason I have....I have been scared and disappointed in myself and the things I've done and the way I've behavior is a major part of me that proves the brokenness in my soul as i struggled to figure out what was going to happen next.. this is not the way I had hoped my life would be..I actually wrote more than enough times that I didn't feel I would or could survive the next few weeks..that I would fail fall short or just end up messing it all up...
more and more how I've been prove wrong..the days are coming to and end of the year.. and I'm still here...I may be secluded but it's also now because I am sick that I have to stay indoors..

I'm not crazy.... I go off and on about many different things at the moment..I'm not really sure where everything is or how everything is supposed to be..if I choose right things or if I fall apart and just brokenness...
There is an emptiness in my soul..there is a fear of living. fear of many things... an all around shame of all i have put those I love through....a constant question I have that won't be answered because that day should not come..

this year... has felt like one of the worst years of my life..more painful than my father's death and more painful than all the deaths i dealt with last year. I look forward to this year ending and hope that if anything that the life that is fighting and raging in me will come forth so that I won't have to fight to live any longer..that it will just blossom in want to enjoy life the way it was meant to be...

well... hopefully tomorrow will be a day of rest because I'm feeling sick still and still have not taken a day for myself...

Monday, December 21, 2009

the signs

I think that I've been through my share of difficulties this Christmas.. This morning we had to leave the house and at first of course the parent in me directed the events of today... This has been an interesting holiday this time around as i scope around and see my family.. nothing would warm my heart than just to continiously tell them how much I cherish each of them. it has nothing to do with the life they live, the things they do, or what they say or do to heart has always been in them... they are my sacturary..they are my place of solitude.. each of them carries a trait of me and my life...the legacy I had hoped to see months thinking my life had to be perfect that I had to become something more than this, that someone else would live my life the way I had hoped too..
This is not the case in this i proudly introduce all of my family members I could not be more proud to be alive and here today... we spent the day travelling together and I continued to think of my father wishing he were here, but as i looked into my brother's eyes I knew he was because we carry him with us wherever we go..
We went to the new Tim Hortons and I was filled with joy it didn't matter what kind of people we were, how poor we are, it was about sitting and enjoying the greatest part of Canadian life sitting in that Tim Hortons surrounded by my family....except Jeff of course..

Today I introduced myself to strangers...I'm not sure why but I believe this is a part of Christmas that must be expressed in giving to others...whether it be a good morning, friendly smile, or merry Christmas...this is what I'm living here to see these moments and capture them in a way that cannot be explained.
I thing I continued to say to my lady was that with family there will always be difficulty, there will always be one or two family members who struggle with whatever history they had, whether there or not...its that we are there now and sharing an unconditional love.. no matter what happens I'll always love angie and randy. they are my brother and sister. I care for them and believe the person they are underneath the drugs and alcohol.. its not the surface that I look too it's their heart.

Just as much as I believe my lady loves me....she loves me because she has seen a light underneath the darkness I have felt...underneath the scars, underneath the hard shell of the beast of the depths of it all there is a light there is a beauty that very rarely we ever have the chance to see...however when we could not be more perfect because that is the person that I was meant to be...I do not regret who I am.. this lifestyle of mine the times of my past, the trials, the pain, and heartache..I dont regret it because I know with it the seasons have caused me to change and grow, and live in whatever way I felt necessary for that season.

i feel very outta the moment...i have been sick for over a week and tonight I'm not sure what it is that's got to me..the lack of sleep, the pills, the cough syrup that I feel now I should not have taken because i think it was over its expiration date.. well..theres a lot going on in my head as I lay here my head pounding my breathing acting differently... the scratch in my throat, the runny nose..I know that this sickness is here to force me to stop...stop and take care of myself and all that I must take care of... I can't let myself push my own limits because it'll hurt me if I try much harder...I'll feel myself falling apart.. just yesterday I felt like I had been getting better and than lastnight happened and everything has changed I feel like I'm getting worse I think the added stress of lastnight and fear, anger etc..lack of taking care of myself..has pushed me back into this sickness..once again forcing me to look at myself..and finding ways to take care of myself.
I need to be better so that i can be here for them..those kids are the world to me and I know i'm not there parent but in part a piece of me is their parent in some form..they all look up to me, watch me my actions and my reactions, everything I do is seen by them.... even lastnight was a test of the life of me..the person I could've been and the person i chose to be...and I reacted with great honor and I held back everything and made the right decision...because deep down as my lady continues to say to me that this is the person I am supposed to be...deep down I know as she does that there is life underneath it all..because...I was created for greatness...and I dont know what I'm going through right now...

But I know I'm here...I'm here physically, in the present absorbing the good and bad of family gatherings..I could not be more proud of being a part of this love each of them unconditionally..and to respect them and their choices and decisions..I know each of them will do great things and even if they don't it doesn't matter because of them mean the world to me and no matter what they do I will always love them..

todays events...were memorible..I cherished today because I spent it with my family enjoying the city the good and bad...and we have the new Tim Hortons to remember this time whatever way that might seem.. it's been a beautiful day with the family..I needed this..I needed to be dirt poor right now, and have them not ask for money but a good laugh and some good pictures, videos of today...this is how I'd like to spend Christmas just a day like today... less drama and more love, laughter and joy..there might be hope for Christmas in this household afterall.

Good day...good night... i really really need to get better and stop being paranoid about the feelings that are going on in my body....I'm not sure what it is but if it gets worse welll than its another trip to the doctor, or hospital...hopefully it's just my body telling me I need some rest...

with that I say goodnight


The events of today must be reminded to me of the person I could've been and the choices I made to be smarter than that... I'm not even sure what to write about but at first I'll write about the memories I have of this man that was a monster in my life....He met my mom very shortly after my fathers death I never had a desire to know him because I felt it was too soon for him to be with my mom....not less than a year later they had my sister....
the years that followed were covered in the things that created what i believe the beast of me...
He was a violent man a woman abuser, and he hated me and my brothers for breathing... we had to fight for food, fight for a moment with our mother, and we had to fight for her to recognize we were her children.. so you can catch my drift when I say he really was a major part of my childhood problems after my father's death... I had been abused and hurt by him and I know a lot of the beginning of things I had started had a lot to do with his words... i still remember what he used to say... "should I stick a needle in my arm and kill myself like your father" He really despised me...
I listened to a lot of hard ass rotten hater music because of him..
Well... after he had my sister they had another baby sister... and he was gone before she was even born..all messed up in drugs and into a lot of sisters hardly knew him and even now hardly know him... Now that I was older I made some solid decisions to put fear in his eyes of me and my brothers...we were bigger now, older and full of anger towards such a man like this..
So now when he came around he'd know me..he'd know I was no longer afraid of him and there will never be a day again that he'd ever hit anyone of us... since than he's been afraid of coming around because my fist is strong, I am strong..

However about a week ago he ended up showing up at my mom's door step...and when that day came i knew I would not be leaving my mother's long as this man was in the house I would not first few days he was good coperative, and used good communication skills. not long after however.... that beast of him started to come out... I stand back.. because one thing I said to his daughters, my sisters is that I would not cause him harm unless he hurt anyone in the family...this is who I am now... I reminded them continously that I didn't know what it was like to have a father, and I would not deprive them of him. I did tell them that if anything happened that I would have to step in..,but that I didn't want too because I wanted them to know their father..
Honestly it was good..they laughed. they cried from laughing, their stomachs hurt from laughing.. they were happy..I was happy to have them happy because there is nothing greater than a child's laughter..their father really made them smile and had fun with them...

Than tonight happened...

Tonight was a true test of what kind of person I am... and what i could do...but once again the constant only thing in my mind is those girls.. I would not want to jeopordize their opportunity to have their father with i restrained from the anger and frustration I wanted to dish out as this man..their father came stumbling into the house..drunk... he was tanked..and it was the first time the girls had seen this event..and both of them broke down in fists began to clentch as i prepared myself to get into a finally use my abilities as a very strong young woman to prevent this man from causing harm on anyone in the family. I would rather him come at me than hurt anyone...the emotional toll of his choices was the tie breaker of the pain I had wished my sisters would never have to experience...
My brother...was the only one who made the right decision..if it were up to me..I would drag him out and throw him outta the house for his stupidity in deciding to drink and come staggering back to his kids... we ended up calling the cops and they came and helped us deal with them. I explained his history with our family how he became violent under the influence how he had hurt us, and how he has a history of violent behaviours in this household..and that i wouldve done everything to protect them..they applauded my brother for calling the cops...

The night...has a way I wish wouldve never come to pass..he was forcibly removed from the house and is probably sitting at a police station drunk tank..
he has money for the bus to go home...the girls don't want to see their father anytime soon... this is all thanks for his own choices but also the helping hand of a man that I never trusted and wish that wasn't involved with my family...

The heartache and pain that those girls suffered..tonight... I could've ripped someone's head off because I was so angry about the whole situation.I just wanted to save them from this pain. save them from all these things that they witnessed of tonight..
with that the stories...came.... I told them about the nights with my no one opened the door for him, how he slept outside the sliding i stayed up late night until my mother was asleep just to let my dad in,...and how lucky the girls are to have my brother and I around to find a place for their father, whereas my father would cry his heart out..
I explained to them... that any decision I had decided would have been for their own good... I love these kids tremendously unconditionally... and both girls came to me saying that this was the worst christmas ever...

the events of today.... has truly hurt me because I had witnessed the pain in their eyes.. it brought back the pain in my own...when I witnessed these sorts of things as a daily experience that I had to face..
I did however tell them why...why I didnt do hardcore drugs, why I wanted to break the cycle and why I loved them regardless that I had hated their father...and that I love them uncondtionally..and that no matter what happens that will never change..

well... thats the events of today... the pain and heartache I have dealt with days before Christmas... and with that... I must sleep...its going to be a crazy week and I hope that we all can recover from this difficult night.... there is fear in my heart as I worry he will come back and if that happens...than I'll have to put on the armor of the beast of react... but I hope that he's smart enough to know he cannot come back here..this is not his home....and his daughters are hurt by these events...


Saturday, December 19, 2009


i'm not sure exactly whats going on with me right now...I'm not sure...It could be that for the last three days my brother has been drinking....I have been at my moms forever and i've been cleaning, and do everything...dealing with children rather than teenagers and adults...Ive found myself dealing with bothers me...and than on top of all that..I just can't imagine what I will be doing with my know?
i realize that even though I dread the day of my birthday coming up in a few months..reality is I'm looking at all the things I had hoped or places I had hoped to be.... Realizing these things... knowing the future I had hoped for may not come to pass... all by my own hands..I have single handly destructed my own future and all that awaited or that I thought had awaited me... All the plans all the goals I had hoped to accompish...well its not going to happen..
I'm feeling the feelings I once felt...the feelings that I have to choose to fight my own demons in times like these.... christmas is coming up and I dont feel the season.. I just want to hide.. just not be here on that day... I'm not a happy person right now...I'm not happy about all the responsibilities I have found myself carrying...and people keep telling me to stop to just let them go...but than I do and few months later I'm back and life has not changed and everything is still the same...and i can't help but want it to be better...I have high hopes for certain people in my family that i know if i stick around maybe they will do better...but I guess I may or may not be let down...but I'd hope my presence here would make a difference..

It actually got me thinking.... of this idea of darkness...of the things that cause me or help me choose self-destruction...the idea of suicide or death of me... the idea of the effects I would have on many many people... it bothers me because these people have great things going for them.. to imagine where they would be if i had choosen something like that...It got me thinking... you know how much it wouldn't matter if I was drinking or doing drugs? I'd be like my sister a ghost.. someone that you rarely see and when you do it's a unwanted presence... but than when I think of going back to drinking or someting all's I can see is my death coming to pass..and than when it comes to drugs...well... no matter what I do... when I think of drugs I think of my father, I think of my auntie I think of my older sister...and thats all I need to think about when it comes to drugs... so than what else is there? there is a choice... a choice to not allow the little things that are tormenting me now destroy me...but when i am where I am..acting or behaving this way and witnessing all these damn things than I feel like a failure.. I feel the worthlessness and the damn fear of my past...the fear of that piece of shit of me that is trying to cry...

i should've went away.. i shouldve just left..I should have just bought a ticket and left.. and said screw it all... but reality is I couldn't do that because I know that i can't.. I cant do that..that's no longer who I am..this is not what I can do... so i am stuck here... and so I have to hope that tomorrow I'll get some air...maybe travel as far away from here as i can possibly go just to get away... because if i dont than I won't be able to make it much longer. I worry you know.. I worry about myself in this state of mind..because this is the vulnerable part of me.. this is the part of me that is so close to destruction...I have to recognize these feelings recognize that this is just for the moment and hope that i can be smart enough to choose the right decision even if i only can make it to another day...that's all that matters you know? just one more day...One more moment, one more...just one...

once again convincing myself I am not going crazy...I'm not... I may have lost everything that I felt mattered to me...and even than at times I dont even know who I am now.. I dont know what's going on with me... the confusion of this stupid mind games i play with myself between life and death... and the destruction of myself...damn it you have no idea how ashamed I feel for being so damn stupid to continue to cut to have these disgusting scars on my arms! I have to wait another year before I can put a tattoo over one of them but the other one I'll never be able to cover it! I really hate this part of me that has to be like this...

I'm not losing it...just trying to figure things out...i have too...I really have too... I can picture the results of any choice i make that is not fighting to live..i can see it...and at times like this moment it is the only thing stopping one...should ever struggle like this..and I am! what is wrong with me! I'm sick of trying sick of this battle that I am feeling the way I'm feeling...

trying to breath...I just one more more day that's all I can deal with is tomorrow... that's it...

Friday, December 18, 2009

think of me

another song that I have come to really enjoy "think of me" by Haystack...Where to begin with words? I feel like a hassle eto my family my presence here is not welcome because I live by rules, guidelines and limitations...things that were taught to me by foster parents, by people who cared for my well being... things that made me smarter and protected in any situation... I have noticed that since my presence being here it doesn't seem to be that way at all.... it seems the opposite..I'm making people cry, making them do something other than nothing.... in the process of this I'm forced to see what kind of family I have...
Is it that terrible that I feel like I can't even be here for christmas? I cant put myself through this much longer.. I thought that I could withstand the flaws of my family to accept them as they are, and hope one day for change...regrettably this does not seem to be the case..As i continue to see someone in my family continously reach for a bottle....I can't stand this sight of him...this whatever it is that is in him that is causing him to act this way... its because of him that i feel like I can't be here any longer... I cant try help my family when they are comfortable with this kind of lifestyle...
You know whats really sad? I'm trying to fight my own demons on whether the events of now are my fault...those teenage years of acting that way, those years of torment...what am I talking about not even years ago less than eight months ago...I've destructed myself...and it had affected them and although I didn't force the bottle into his hand....well I wasn't a good example...not only that its almost like they are numb to it you know? Don't notice it or try to avoid it because of whatever reason...

i'm not looking forward to leaving...its honestly not what i want to do... I worry about them.. I worry about what they will do, or have done or what might happen to them... the amount of people in the house...well it seems my words are gold, I am the man of the house..I keep the peace, I keep protection...but the ultimate price of it..I guess is that I am the most despised person in the house.... for the first time in days weeks months I feel tears wanting to run down my face because I'm getting fed up..... I'm feeling the familiar feelings of snapping from the events I am forced to face with family... I'm not sure whats going to happen..I can only hope that whatever decision I make..I only make for my benefit...I have always been known to sit and be tortured at the expanse of my soul just for the safety for my family... I could be beaten and hurt badly before I'd ever turn my back on my family.
If only things were different you know...If only

I worry....I worry tremendously...that actions and choices and decisions I make now... instead of death, instead of drugs, instead of alcohol, instead of self abuse...what have I done? I feel like I'm not doing much...I feel like i'm causing more damage because my words can be venom and I can literally hurt more than help...
I guess....the time has go back... go back to my home...go back and hope that the familly will take care of themselves... I can't do this any longer.. I worry for my safety how much more of this I can handle.... this is honestly breaking me...

Other than the drama of the house.... I guess..I'm trying to figure things out you know.. I'm not sure how I'm going to work through these times in my life..i just..i need to get through this.. i need to make the decisions for myself, in the eyes of my family they will see it as selfishness but reality is I'm good to no one until I take care of myself...and this is the first part to it...

who knows whats going to happen...what is the right decision.... whats the right words... I'm tired and exhausted to think of answers tonight...but I hope that I make the right decision before doing something not stupid but just don't need any more of this crap of my own darkness mixed with family stuff..dont need that..

Thursday, December 17, 2009

leads to nowhere

I'm not giving in... I worry about writing these words as I scan the situations I have found myself in.. the mentality that I currently have about screwing up my life... cutting,drinking whatever the case might be...sadly enough i had even mentioned drugs because I personally know if that day ever came I would not recover from that sort of regret. The reality of it lies within my words, my choices and decisions as a person, sister, human being and sometimes a friend.
I dont know where my life is bound to take me in whatever sense that it might want to come forth or come by...even as i write these words I wonder about school, about my living situations. I have many thoughts of craziness and pain...but underneath it all..there is in the small dark crevices is me...the person the fighter that so many people are looking for...

I'm often unaware of my ability to survive every horrible tragedy I felt I've faced or may face in the future.. There is a deep longly in me hoping I'd fall short, that I'll fail or something but reality is it's not gonna happen for me...part of that proof to me is the perfect marks I got in school... Even in all the darkness in all the pain I had been facing I learned things and wrote those assignments with tears in my eyes and yet the response was more great than I had expected..
Just the other day... I was talking to my lady about what it feels like for me to have people tell me they are supporting me, they are there for me...and how they had failed me in what felt like some of my most vulnerable states... the analogy I used for that.. was trying to get a crippled person to walk... with support it might be possible there might be hope for that person, but as soon as that support falls apart or walks away, cancels appts, or anything that is when the person falls right back to the ground....and each time I am forced to get back up I wonder when will the next time be? when will the next time someone not be there for me? I talk so often about the fear of being alone... its one major reason i can't end my life...its why I got of the ledge, it's why i did what I did... i cant stand the idea...

I had an appt the other day...and I was told the reason I push my lady or try to push her outta my life is because I want to prove my point that at some point everyone has enough...and that I am not worthy of that kind of love, friendship or life.... it kinda made sense.. but my point of view honestly... in all the blogs i wrote, in all the journal entries I've written....there is a pattern of brokenness and i know there is only an extent that people can comprhend...I am a lot.. i do a lot of not so great things to myself and a lot of the time I'm not exactly sure why...
Could it be the following: I'm a mistake, I'm worthless, I was never loved, i was belittled, I am weaker than everyone believes, I am unworthy of the life at hand... I was abused, I am an angry hurt person... I haven't cried in a long time and when I do...I have to do something stupid like cutting just to know it's ok...
the pattern of my life is destruction...I've played with fire all my life... been burned and been hurt, been lost in the flames...and whenever people try to come alongside me an help me it doesn't last it can't last...this flame, this fire of me is mine alone....I'm not ready to give it up because for me I see this as protection, and fear.. I am afraid of what my life will look like outside of this fire.... I wrote it in my journal..
we talk about healing, talk about the future as if it will come to pass for me...but I wrote in my journal that everyone is telling me the grass is greener on the otherside of this brokenness that I can get through this and that I'll be happier...however when I look at it I don't see that...I imagine that I'll become a soft person who lets destruction envelope my family, to have to cry, talk about feelings and what not...not my taste of life... I was taught to never trust no I was shown that trust is broken and there is an ultimate price to it... not worth it... I was told that everything I wrong..everything I learned everything I know is life was not meant to be.....

people talk about this great person that I am..this great person that I may become one day... who in the world would want someone like me to survive...why...why is it so important...I look at my scars and see the pain...I dont see testimony I see destruction...I am not healed and it seems everytime I strive for that healing....I start to take one step and than support is gone and than I give up for a bit....and than try again knowing it'll happen again...I'm told this is part of healing.. is this really part of healing??? people asking me what they could do to help me...when reality is I dont know...I think just not leaving me alone, telling me their there when or if I needed them.. just something....its when i feel the all alone mentatlity that I find myself going into destruction and the worst part is that once that starts to happen....than things in my life start to come together to be sure I stay in that darkness..
such as family issues, childhood pain, life in general... things that feel more destructive...when I feel alone and I get more destructive.

I mean of all things that holidays are here...I didn't buy anything for anyone...I couldn't afford too but the same thing is I also dont want to base the love i have for my family on some gift that i know in a few months wont matter... the fun for me in this time is just to spend time with eachother, to have a good laugh, enjoy life event for a second...this is why I like where I'm at being at my be here with laugh, to be a part of this family...
the holidays have changed tremendously... it hurts to see how much its changed...I mean I remember my father one or his only Christmas clean and sober and the only thing he wanted one thing he wanted, the only wish he had on his wish list was to hold my brother jeffrey in his arms for the first time, to spend time with us...that's all he wanted..nothing to do with clothes, gadgets, expansive things...all's he wanted was to be a part of this family...what happened to our world that there isn't much of that happening anymore?

alright...I'm talking too much again...but I'm just.... trying to find myself..find that person everyone is fighting that I can fight for her too...because it is ultimately true that I am tired of where I am currently in my life...I'm tired of the pattern of destruction happening in my life right now....I need change, I desire it but I also fear it tremendously....but I look at someone like my lady...and I'm in awe of how great she is, how beautiful, how precious, and how rare she is... to have as a friend to have in my see to see the endless possibilities of greatness that may await me in the future.... no matter what I have to fight myself in trying to get her outta my life...But I really want to stop hurting her, stop doing everything I do that causes her to worry, that causes her to feel pain or concern because I did something... I just.. I really cherish her tremendously and I just dont know how to stop being what I am and start being what I need to enjoy life with her! to enjoy life just for myself...


Thursday, December 10, 2009

the past

An interesting few days I take it...I have been hiding away for ages and tomorrow be the first time I'm getting out for a bit... of course I'm not very certain of what I will be doing but hope for good results regardless of whatever it is that I decide to do.
I must say I've found myself in an unfamiliar space of my life... worried about the future and all that awaits there... I must say for starters so far my assignments are awesome and I've finished them and been recieving the marks and I'm suprised... I know where I was when I wrote those assignments.. my heart was darknened with the reality that I felt I would never change from the beast of me..
Yet even in the darkness I was able to bring out the reality, the situation, being in the present without freaking losing my mind...and even though i feel like i'm losing my mind and everything is really unfamliar to me... I mean reality is that I just feel like I'm not going to make it... You know if there were a bet going on about when I'd live or die.. I'd really bet I wouldn't survive... I'm struggling so much..and the one thing that roles through my head is my lady... her words of needing something good in my life inspite of everything..

I hadn't realized how much I had dealt with in the last few months... and even the last few days.. I feel my body telling me to smarten up and take care of myself... I feel my mind telling me lies of the beast...and I feel my heart telling me all the goodness I have and all the love unconditional love I have...and than words come out and all that comes fourth is the beast of my lady has said it the "I don't care" mentality.. a desire to not care when according to some supports in my life it means I really do... but reality for me is that it's a system I have in place for me to protect myself and others...or even from others...
I realized how much I had been let down... and although there were days my heart was weak and I did cry for help... reality is that's not gonna happen for's not written in the stars for me to get the help I need, I have to take it! I have to fight for it! Oh my goodness!!! What a suprise huh? Having to fight to live yet again...not fighting anyone physically believe you me that ever happen I wouldn't worry about nothing... but to fight the own demons I have raging within myself... Each day I start to lose it...

I can stare at a sky and just be blank, look into the eyes of my lady and be so cold... I'd say something ridiculous... I am not the person she had hoped I'd become... I'm not the person I'd hoped to be while living here in Vancouver... everything has been so mistaken, so much regret, so much pain, so much being alone! so much terror in my soul that everyday I wake up I wonder if I can even survive today! and if something anything, one thing, this or that goes wrong than I'm going to explode and I'm going to ruin every good thing about me, I'm going to get what I feel I deserve as a failure, as a worthless piece of nothing..
I know i know... not the words a leader or role model should be saying...not the words any human person should be saying... but if really..honestly if you knew what went on in my head you'd probably pull the trigger because I'm so outta not where i thought I was going to be..

Through all the deaths...all them deaths I have really been struck by lightning and really have lost all the goodness in my soul... the anniversary date came and went and I couldn't help it.. but wonder you know... what if... should have... damn it! whats wrong with me... someone once said something to me about being afraid to live... not knowing what that might look like...since I went through or am going through this crazy phase of wanting to now I wanna live and because I don't know what that looks like, what it feels like, I just want to pretend I didn't say that.. or maybe I am punishing myself for all my short-comings as a person, a friends, a sister, a daughter, whatever the case..there is a sense of worthlessness in my soul that cannot be explained...
I have tried many and many times to forget about my birthday...why remember a day that was not celebrated? by any living person today? why? no matter how much I try forget the reality is I can't forget.. and even than as this birthday comes I'm thinking what have I done? what have I done with my life? what am I doing?
I believe strongly that others deserve someone better than me! reality is... on the outside I am what I am...on the's deep beautiful and faith grows...but reality is.... look at my arms, look at these wounds, look at this heart of mine... how could this brokeness be repaired? especially if I've made my life out of my broken heart...out of fear..

I'm rambling... I'm just stuck with thoughts and need a breather.. I need to get away.. I want to fly away ;)
whether life or death is coming... for now..for this moment... it doesn't make a difference to me either way because I don't feel much alive enough as is..


Monday, December 7, 2009

hold on

Where to start in describing this journey or whatever that I seem to have found myself in? the cycle begins yet again to look at myself... my choices and options.. what a shitty situation it is for me to be staying in Vancouver when I know I need to leave... I made some choices that jeopordized that opportunity.. I'm not sure when and if I will recover from that..
I have complained many many times about supports, about family, about being treated with such disregard... my life does not matter, I don't matter.. everything I've fought for, everything I felt I lived for no longer matters.
Yesterday I jay walked... something I don't do an the reaction to that was simply unreal.. and yet in my head.. I felt like saying I'm not the same person any more.. I have gone from thinking of the future and it's existance everything I had hoped to be, all the school, living here.. and just tossed it out the window.... I tried to toss the gift my lady gave to me... to my suprise she would not budge... she would not take it back and she won't let me self-destruct..

I honsetly looked at myself... the last few days... few hours... and realized what a horrible person I am... unable to act my age, to share these feelings with anyone, not talking, not living, not breathing... looking into the sky wondering why... why am I here? why did I do this to myself? and what in the world.. how could people ask me to hold on!..
The last round of my life of fighting to live, fighting for my supports to stand by me... and than have them leave me this way... and than they wonder how or why I end up in the hospital.. feeling alone is not the feeling that I enjoy... well over a month now... and it's progressing to the point that now everything is my fault... everything... from the paper cut, to the yelling and screaming, to the agonizing inner pain that I feel inside of me... all my fault...
To have someone.. to have people....believe in me this much... to have them hold onto my life to worry, to love without limits, to not let me go.........what is expected of me to say is that its great... but honestly it's not great... it hurts... it hurts me to have them with me in this time, and to know where I am...
My lady sent me a message about fighting,or change... and the moment I read it.. the only word that came into my mind FEAR! this phrase is written in my father's journal it has two meanings and I have to choose what kind of FEAR that I choose to have these days... I can either stay here stay where I am right now, or fight for these people to help me right now...

I feel like a monster... I feel like there's this huge krpytonite in me that keeps people far away so sick at the sight of me, so afraid to get close to me...get too close well my darkness kills the goodness in their lives...because no matter what I do... I can't get through this, I can't destroy this part of my life that causes the destruction of my soul..
I am missing something... and I'm missing it real bad right now....

I'm not scared...I'm not angry...I'm not happy... I am what I am through these days of complete survival at a time like this... can't ask me to say words that have no meaning to me... can't ask me to be there when I know this is not truly me...
I'm not sure if or how I will make it to the new I'll make it to Christmas... I just hope that hope would find it's way into my darkness so that I don't feel as utterly alone as I feel these days..

how could this happen? how did it come to this? and what's the point? what's the point!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

dear agony

A song I have come to admire and love is called "I will not bow" by Breaking Benjamin the album is called "dear Agony."
I have failed.. I am failing and I am giving up without a second thought. I have just looked and seen that I have enough to go away for seven days to Prince George the worst place I could ever think of and the worst time for me to go. But I give up...
As I sit here in near tears of all the agonizing pain that I've had to deal with since moving back to Vancouver, all the pain, all the heartache and all the facades of who I am... Unable to travel a short distance to visit friends, unable to be away from all the pain that I've had to deal with.. bottled up inside me are the vicious remarks of family, of friends, and of all who believe strongly that I will fail and have failed. All the suicide attempts all the stuff that's going on in my head, unable to find truth from lies... everything has become too much.. Going to Prince George may be a mistake but I need some peace of mind before I ruin my life, before I pick up some coke, before I decide to destroy my life I need to be reminded... I need to breath. I need to get the heck out of Vancouver and so far the only place in mind is Prince George, I can only pray that I will find family that they would take me in, and that someone will give me the joy in visiting my father's grave...

After today's events I'm not sure I can even write my paper... Last night I decided that I am done... I'm giving into all the stuff going on in my head, all the stuff burdened in my heart. The cancellations, the pain of my family, the heartache in feeling this alone and isolated... the reminder of these things has become too much and I am leaving.. I will be making the arrangements now that I've seen how little it will cost me to get away for a time... how easy it will be for me to run... and how terrified I am about going to Prince George because my father's family, but how I hope and wish, and pray they will not shut their door on me very literally because I'm in desperate need...

Last night was when I decided that I had enough. enough on the canceling of appointments, enough on my family situations, and enough of being treated this way... People tell me to stand my ground to fight, why the heck should I fight when I feel like this? I am on the verge of giving up and if I don't act soon well than that would sadly be the end of me... I am not running from my problems I hope that I'm far from that because I know what I'll be coming back too.. However I'm at the point that I need to breath, I need to be able to appreciate the person I am, and all that I've worked for I need to know it was not all for nothing. I need to rest assure that I am making progress in my life, and I need to stop doing everything I'm doing... trying so hard to stay afloat trying so desperately to stay alive with no courage, no fighting power of strength, no desire for something that no longer exists in my life.

I have been treated with such disregard of everything I've done. I keep telling people just do it already you know? Just get it over with. stop doing this to me... stop forcing me to live, forcing me to find a moment of breath and stop just stop. because it's not working and I'm heading into utter and complete destruction if I don't leave. after today's events after all the pain I've dealt with today...
I leave hopefully next week hopefully if all goes to plan. I am more so catching the bus because I realize that if I decide to turn back that's the only way that I can... I will only hope for better future, better days... I am deeply sad that I will have to send my cat away and hope that she can forgive me for this but if I don't leave there will be nothing for her to stay with me.

After today... If I don't go now.. I'll literally give up on myself.. all these canceled appointments all the pain that I am facing now, all the heartache I have been under, and the lack of input from those who matter the most. I am done.. If I don't go now I will give up on them, and in return give up on myself... if that makes any sense..

Monday, November 30, 2009

done and done.

Where to begin with my life? I have seen in great detail how I could benefit from this course in dealing with my family, dealing with my relationships...However I struggle tremendously with the idea of choosing to apply this course into my life, I think it would diminish my role in my family, my role in my relationships... In the end would cause a vulnerability that I am not prepared for..
I have had the chance for a week or eight days to look at this course, soak in all the knowledge that I could, write, and did role plays to learn how to apply it into my life... I don't think anytime soon will I be able to use this course in my life hopefully later on in my life.

Away from class and all that fun stuff.. I was hoping to run away to be real honest... I'm not sure I'll be leaving to go anywhere... I want to and wish that I had more people who were people I could turn too in times such as now. I am struggling a lot again and this time it's about how messed up I feel that I am, of all the accomplishments I've ever had I have been unable to get in a place of feeling like my life is worth living. I'm not saying that in the sense that I want to end it.. hold on... lol My life isn't about trying to die or commit suicide or anything I'm trying and hoping that those situations are over with in my life... However when I look at this program that I'm in the idea of College and before I knew where it was going, I had one goal in mind and thought this program would get me there.. As I've struggled the last six months and realized how truly I will not reach that goal... It has forced me to check out where my life is going, and realizing I'm honestly not going anywhere with this program, with my life..

I'm sure people struggle to hear how messed up I am and all that... In even dealing with my one amazing lady... I pull back from and go to her, and pull back... and than I am naive enough to go back into journal entries that start to add up too the major factor... that I am destroying her life by living my life this way.. the pressure of dealing with myself is enough, and than now trying to be open enough to care enough to send a text, send a hello or whatever it is that she needs from me... You see a month ago... something tremendous happened and it really impacted my life in a really great way, she had given me something valuable, and I have carried it throughout the month... This little reminder that I am not where I was, and that in six months there are parts of me that have changed.. but in the last week... I have felt ashamed of having this valuable piece she gave to me, to the point that I want to give it back because... I find myself wasting away in this turmoil... I am needing so desperately for an answer, for a hope, for a future...
In the end I no longer see the benefit of the goodness of her... the greatness of my life.. the part of me that so many people see the fighter, the survivor, and the one that is going to impact many... I have lost hope in that person, that person that rose to the occasion to fight for my life without reason, just desire for change. I have lost hope in that person that survived from June 3 and struggled this much...

In the end I see the beast continuing to rise up in me... continuing to bring about the heartache that I felt I deserved and the worthless feeling that I have in myself and my ability to make it through these situations, and circumstances effectively.

This is the sad part of it... for the first time in a while the feeling rises up in me the darkness the beast, and the burdens it carries to envelope me and destroy every good thing that helped me survive.. It bothers me tremendously that people believed in me so much, that people who didn't even know me would say how strong I was, and how confident I am in the future... when really break it down throw down the wall you see the broken shattered Jessie, dying a painful slow death of destruction... I waste away in the darkness... I close my eyes hoping that for just one moment just one moment I might feel love again, that I might feel strength, that I might feel hope, that I might get through this... each time I see myself burying myself alive really, and losing every opportunity to really truly effectively get through these circumstances in my life.

I have made the decision I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family, I have disconnected from them completely, and I have desired to leave just waiting for the right moment and the only place I can think of going is Ft.St. James where my father is buried. It almost seems like there is nothing else you know? no one else.. no where else...

To feel this way.. to be this way.. to act this way... to see myself... to truly see myself as I reacted, and acted in this course at school was a true opportunity to see the beast I am and the person that I am that's never really changed.


Monday, November 23, 2009

avoiding the situation

How do I productively talk about situations in my life that have effected me in a way that has or will prove to me that I can not productively be in someone's life for the reasons that I feel I can't deal with those people. I'm talking about a specific situation that I have had to deal with and it's family, the people I feel are at times destroying the light that keeps me going. I have strongly found it difficult to talk with them, hang out with them, or acknowledge that we live in Vancouver together.
This past few weeks I have had to deal with emotional problems in productive ways, I have found it difficult when I felt that others were not being productive. Meaning my family has always been this way, continues to be this way, in not taking care of themselves or each other. The only regret that I feel I have is that I am unable to be there for them when I see that they could be doing better they could make better choices. As a result of these recent outcomes of my visits with my family is that I have had to set myself apart from them, disconnect with them completely. As a result I feel really sad that I have had this outcome, that it's taken me years to realize the person I am to them, but now realizing my limitations and my boundaries.
It was the first since I moved back to Vancouver that I realized for a brief moment how I regretted moving back.... It hurt me a lot to have to realize the effect my family has on me, and my choices. It took me this long to realize the drain I feel in talking with my family, with each conversation being about others wanting to die, or continuing to make the same poor decisions and expect me to respond to that. I have realized that as much as I am here for them I have also needed to be set apart from them.

The life I have chosen is far different, separate even from my family. I am not meant to live the same way they choose too, I have gone places, been to extraordinary places, and met some amazing people that have been a good example of what it means to live life for myself. For me to look at myself and see that I am definitely not my family is a huge deal for me. The impact however that this decision has had on me has been negative I have felt that I could not be in contact with my family, and because Christmas is coming up I am not certain if I will be able to resolve these issues I have or will I be spending Christmas alone or up north which is far far away and alone. It breaks my heart that I have had to go to this extent in separate myself from my family.

I cannot be productive in conversation with my family, I have found that even talking to them about how I feel, or what they say or do effects me it does not help, it does not change what they are doing, but still hurts me. It makes me sad to realize where I'm at and that I cannot be in contact with my family... The situations my family has had to deal with and the ways they have chosen to deal with them has been a result that is far from the right one.

Apart from the drama of my family and all that I have had to see with this stuff.. I'm in school which has been a very interesting place I find myself especially in this time. At the moment my course is "Conflict resolution" I have found it very challenging and different from the ways I have dealt with conflict, or my own feelings. I have been learning how to be productive in my conversations about conflict with others. I still have not found the time to deal with conflict itself and worry to the extent if I ever had to deal with conflict in what ways I would respond. I believe that the process of dealing with conflict resolution may take longer for me to deal with situations because I still am just learning my faults in my relationships, my reactions, and the explosive reactions I have in dealing with someone I have a conflict with.
School has become a difficult challenging experience but will hopefully be productive and one day I'll be able to apply it to my life and maybe have a better relationship with those I have in my life.

I'm around a while but may leave in December with no real idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing but knowing that I have to leave in order to deal with myself, and the situations I've had to face with my family.

That's all for now!

Friday, November 13, 2009


It's been weeks of my life going in spirals and twirls and flips and just outta control... but I'm here now and regardless of every bad thing that's happened the good comes from it!!
the last few weeks I've spent countless times in the hospital for an Asthma attack, and then for my baby sister because she got hurt and she got surgery and stitches and a cast...

there have been many great things I've learned in the weeks of these events moments that i wish I could store away forever and just remember those days in days like these. I'm told that I've discovered something pretty significant and pretty great... for the time these last six months I've struggled tremendously with only one great good lady my lady in my life... yet when I thought about my life these past six months with the good.... I have created the bad I have created the self-destruction of my own body and self, afraid to connect or accept that there is good and that sometimes it can be tremendous.. I created the last six months of my life in a terrible state of mind unable to accept the good in life because it's unfamiliar.

On top of which i have also discovered the significance it's been for me to be here... In Vancouver going through this experience with my sister showed me how much she wants and desires to be like me, and how much of a support and amazing person I am to be here for her. for all my family members... to have moved back and for the first truly seeing the impact I have on my family members it was a significant day for me..

The two week trend that began on Halloween got side tracked I had explained to my supports that i can see the cycle beginning of my life going down the drain. yet it didn't take my supports to be with me, contact me, or anything... even though i knew i needed them i didn't reach out to them tremendously... and even in all that i had been feeling and dealing with... I was able to see the person i didn't want to become, and that i truly and utterly am struggling to live but for the first time this season or moment in my life I don't want it all to end. I might not know how to enjoy life, enjoy who I am as a person, but i know that I don't want it all to end.. which for me is very significant... but even which... I see something trying.. or evening winning in a battle of my own self..

I can only hope that I find my way through these events in my life... and even through this last week and half of my life I have been able to witness the horrible events in my life... i hope that i find a way regardless of everything I am, and everything i've done.. I just need to be okay and I need to enjoy life for the next few days it's all I got right now..

well i better go... I will do what i can where I can... and hope for better results in the future.