Wednesday, March 24, 2010

stand up

March 24, 2010
Stand up
I have had my moments of weakness today and trying to take on problems that do not belong to me, and trying to find the quickest way out of each of these moments in my life. All these things I am currently facing are not on my own they have also been brought on by family members.
I’m thinking of it now and even though I personally have no time to write I also know I can toss and turn for hours before needing to desperately analyze all these things so that no matter what I have to do what’s right for me. I know the sacrifice that will be made and I know how much it hurts my heart that I cannot help my family… In this past month I have struggled tremendously with food and have hardly eaten even as I write these words now. I have provided myself with a roof over my head, and I’ve tried time and time again to organize my life, organize my finances so that food is bought and paid for but unfortunately as my instructor said “life happens” and these are things that just happen and you have to make whatever you can.
The story straight as an arrow… There was miscommunication with some money that is owed to someone in my family member, and I screwed this one up… And explained rent has to be paid on our part so we keep a roof over our head... It was always the understanding but somewhere the communication got mixed up and because of that the sacrifice is great… I personally being me tried my best to figure out the solution to the problem… Thinking maybe I can sacrifice my phone for another two weeks, or maybe sacrifice buying food yet again… This is not the case! I have done everything in my power to help whatever way I can, but in the processing of this information tonight!! I realized something significant… This family member loaned money to my older sister more than what was lent to us, in my eyes that is more significant and huge! Really in the end… If this family member would have resisted their guilt and avoided my sister we would not be in this mess, and also let’s calculate how much money has enabled my younger brother for his drinking habit???
I have to be in the right in taking care of everything for myself… I have gone without food and I have gone sleep deprived thinking and dreaming of food. I have refused the help of friends because I know without a doubt I am fully capable of getting myself out of this mess… I have to be aware that I need to set limits! I can’t save my family from the choices and decisions that were made in lending money, it is a difficult decision that was made and therefore the price will be severe… Just as much I won’t enable my brother or sister for their drug or alcohol addiction, I will not enable the person giving them that money but trying to sacrifice my eating and my house over my head for their satisfaction.
It is difficult and life is tough and there are moments for me like tonight that I almost lost it and almost thought of the quick fix of alcohol or drugs or destructive path… I know full well where that will get me and I am not up for that game again… I have worked really hard to try and separate myself from that lifestyle of allowing myself to be surrounded by those people… I have worked really hard to make school my priority and try my best to be where I need to be. I owe enough debt right now and I at times feel like selling a piece of my heart, a piece of something just for quick cash but I know that it will also just get me into more debt which I can’t afford no matter what.
I need to breath at this opportunity to do something other than the quick fix… To fully comprehend what I was about to do what I was about to sacrifice… Realizing the things that were done in this last month and how much it cost… I know this is not the way to go!
I’m looking at my life and the accomplishments no matter the destruction and I’m fully capable of getting myself through this. I’m able to find a job at some point and start supporting myself and paying off all my debts. I know life is difficult and I know that a lot of the time I don’t feel as worthy of a good job, but I have a goal in mind… The more I look at the schooling I’m doing the more I see the leader in me rising up above all these things… I refuse to let myself settle for this life I refuse to let myself be accustomed to the destruction of life, and refuse to go hungry or even let my pride get the best of me… I can and will get through this because I am able… I will figure it out I will find my way and I will freaking make something of myself…
I refuse to feel guilty for the decision I made tonight in looking at my own self first because really I struggled tremendously today and there was no need for it! I will find a way to rise above these things in my life and I will find a good job, and I will get out on my own without question… I know there is greater things in life than this I just have to be as patient as possible to get through this… Just keep moving forward!

Monday, March 22, 2010

hope rises above

March 22, 2010
Hope rises above
How to describe the events of today or even in witnessing things of today? I’m thinking of it now and honestly the closest I ever got to a loving family, or even just this kind of love I witnessed all day was when I was in foster care in coquitlam. So for me to witness this here and now and with my lady, I am blown out of the water to see something so spectacular.
What an honor and privilege it was today to be part of something so small but yet just the way I took witness to these events of today it warmed my heart. I absolutely love it when love is enveloped that you can’t help but join in the laughter, or even witness these sorts of extravagant things that were happening today. It wasn’t about the places we went to see or what we ate, it was what I seen in each of their eyes that I could see something I hadn’t felt before, and even though I didn’t say much… I honestly was soaking in all the moments of joy, all the moments of unconditional love and trying to make a memory note of what it would look like to love someone without limits.
I was given the honor of hanging out with my lady and her parents as they went and checked out the sights of Vancouver and I loved it!! I’m not sure why I loved it, but I guess because I’m a sentimental person and I love these moments because reality is when life is as tough as it is, it’s important to take moments like the many I had today to revive my life, revive the hope that is now created within me to continue on… I felt like I was being given a purpose of what it’s like to love a kid, or what it’s like to enjoy moments of beauties of the city I now live in…
How could this be you know??? How could this happen how could life be like this for them? What in the world do I have to do to guarantee that this love will prevail and that this is what I want to pass onto my brothers and sisters, this is how I want to bring healing to my culture, how I want to share this with my uncle’s and aunties!!!
To imagine the things that were suffered for my culture and my history of the impact of the traumatic things in life! I want to let go of those barriers and I want to bring healing and I want healing in my life so that I might one day be able to love a man that way, and be able to have enough love that we could bring into our love a child! Oh my goodness do you know how much courage it takes for me to say that? I want that healing so that I could find that love within me to love others and myself.
I really loved today and I loved seeing that love of today, and I could speak of love today like crazy because it was so powerful… It was a powerful potion taken today, it was the sun with shooting stars in the sky, and it was eagles swirling around us bringing us hope! It was the rainbow in the sky promising that the sun will be back, the rain will stop!
Today was freaking amazing and I loved it so much!!! I loved knowing I mean the world to someone!! Do you know what that’s like??? Or even to be told that I’m like family? These are very powerful words to me and they came from someone who is great!! These are the people that give me the courage and grace to continue on with life, and share healing with the nations, these are the people that inspire me to become more and more of whatever it is that is within me to do better in my life.
What a day and I needed to write about it because it really blew me away! I could not believe my lady let me be a part of that joy and love. I could hardly believe that I had impacted someone that much that to even to have remembered it was only six months ago I tried to get my lady out of my life, or even that conversation we had I almost wanted to walk away and now to have had this moment in life… I can’t imagine these thoughts were in my mind! I really absolutely needed that I needed to hear that, know that and cherish that today was as remarkable as it was!
I am grateful for my lady and I am so glad that we have impacted each other’s lives the way we have! I know that we will do so many amazing things together and that one day everything that happened in the past will make sense… This is something I learned from my lady’s mom is that she regrets nothing in her life because it all was for a reason and purpose. So for me I have to learn to let go of the past and not regret the choices and decisions I’ve made because one day it will all make sense… That one day may not be today or tomorrow but it will come and when it does I will feel awesome about that!! Cause I feel like I’ve been living that way in regrets, in shame… and in that short time of being with my lady and her parents I learned some very amazing things that I will hold close to me just as close as I hold my lady to my heart, so do her parents words!!

Until than!! Good night and Happy belated birthday my lady!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

facing him

(because i dont have internet connection im writing them on word documents and adding them when i can)

March 17, 2010

Through all these moments I’ve had of the true greatness of having someone with me alongside me as I begin to even imagine facing the current circumstances in my life. Is it okay to say I’m scared once again and this time it’s more of early grief that I know will surface more as I continue to see my loved one suffer through his pain…? I avoid the emotion of it because I honestly don’t want it to be real… My uncle Henry has suffered a couple minor strokes and this last one apparently was pretty bad thankfully we went to see him the first weekend he was in the hospital…He spoke of getting out that day when really they had to keep him to be checked on by a specialist.
I’m not sure how often I’ve shared anything about my uncle. Obviously he’s been around all my life and I have pictures of him holding me as a little wee baby. He has been someone that I could turn to for whatever reason and he was always there for me when I was growing up. Just like any person he had suffered some pain from his past but as a powerful man he survived and got away from the destruction of his own addictions. Since then he had continued his work through SFU… Even in talking about it now my heart is starting to sink and I’m shedding tears… I can’t describe to you in enough words how much my uncle has meant to me. I remember when I was young it was before Jeffrey was born we were living by Grandview highway and I had no food and no money, my parents were high or drunk as always and the one shining hope was that my uncle came to visit… And he gave us money to go eat… Always through the years of my parents struggle with their lives my uncle was there taking care of us. When I came to and from Ontario my uncle’s were the men who always told me how proud of me they were that I made the right decision to take care of myself.
My uncle Henry is a very powerful man he attended the Simon Fraser University and he is respected and even though he went through all he went through… He was still able to share with others, and he even shared stories with us. During his recovery from his first attack he had started working on a family tree and I couldn’t be more proud of him, he has been working on it a long time. My uncle is a very giving man and he has always been a really awesome support in my life. It’s difficult to describe how much I respect and love my uncle. I have known him very well and seen the dark parts of his life and I’ve always seen his many accomplishments… I’m honestly scared to tell him what I want to tell him. I have to find the words to pertain to saying good-bye… I don’t think there should ever be a time of that… I know that I need to do this because I love my uncle a lot and what I want to tell him is that I love him, and I want to thank him for all he has done for me… All his love and care for me and my brothers and sisters, I want him to know that I want to live my life to the fullest extent and honor him in all I do. I have been given opportunity to have powerful people surround me; better yet I’ve had powerful family members with many stories…
If only this was the truth of it all if only this was what I was meaning to write about… Honestly it’s not I’m avoiding the real underlining of it all because I’m a child. Tomorrow would have been my father’s birthday and I’m thinking of him now and trying to imagine what it would have been like if he were alive. Is that childish or what? This grieving daughter still can’t let my father rest because every day I live I think of him and miss him…
My father would have been forty-eight years old and I was thinking about it on my way home… you know when I was a kid I remember making father’s day cards, birthday cards... I’m sure I attempted to make breakfast in bed too… I loved my father so much that it hurts to breathe in just thinking about him. So when I picture the event that’s going to happen tomorrow I know how important it is for me to share with my uncle how much he meant to me, because honestly I never really got to tell my father and everyday I’m alive I think of that.
I’ll share a little on my father… He was the greatest dad in the whole wide world!!! He loved me and my brothers tremendously and just like any other person he struggled from his past too. Yet even in his struggle there was always a place for me in his heart, he loved me and everyday he was alive I could feel his love, and I could truly point out tremendous moments of how he showed me that love. Every day for lunch my dad made me his specialty, and instead of being one of those men that couldn’t cry in front of others my dad was a real man he cried openly. My dad was a huge hockey fan and star trek fan. He had a special couch it was orange and when he was home and I came home from school I was always in his lap or on the arm of the chair. One specific memory I have and some might laugh but you never really know someone this is how you’ll know me. We were living in a three bedroom townhouse and my room was right across from my parents room and every day I would look across and see my father’s feet hanging over the bed as he lay there, it was funny he was really tall! When I was kid I used to be on his shoulders, he took me to Stanley Park, he took me to the sea bus. My father was truly a man that showed me the world, in the last months of his life while… Even in his difficulty of his addictions every time I got to see him… He would always give me whatever he had, it ranged from money, to patches to put on my future jean jacket, a bandana, many things and introduce me as his daughter to all his friends at Pigeon Park.
My father was a freaking king to me, he loved me without limits, and he was proud of me and I wish that I could celebrate his life celebrate his birthday with him… I struggle tremendously with death and those loved ones that die… But this one death this one man who died is the deepest root of all the sadness in my life, and I can’t seem to let myself get through those times, or even remember the things that I need to remember because I guess for me I suffered trauma from all that went on in my life after his death. I don’t know how to honor my dad I don’t know how to keep living when all’s I ever want is to be in his arms, and hear him tell me he loves me.
It will be a tough day… I know this and feel it already because I will be honoring my dad and thinking of him, but I will also be telling my Uncle how much he has meant to me all these years of my life! I hope that I make it through and make the right decisions but I’m extremely terrified. I’m more scared of my own emotions than the reality of it all, I don’t want to break down or anything… I just want to try get through the day as best as I can.
Wish me luck as I continue on my journey of whatever this season of my life is!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

desperate perspective

the words that need to be written because I realized today how much everything is affecting me in a way that cannot be described.. tonight I was on my way to meet some friends when I for the first times missed the little edge I wanted to jump off of... I know something is going on in my life when I have those kinds of thoughts trying to find the words is even more difficult... I stopped hanging out in areas that normally could find me at the respect of opinion of my lady..instead I went to visit my family and it was there that things started to really show it's true colors. The amount of crap that goes on at my mothers house is so difficult so unbearable that at times I find myself wanting to drink or even take drugs...Most people know i would never make that decision to screw up my life because I hold close to my past and the things that went on for me back then.. I know no matter what happens I do not want to see myself back in that state of mind of feeling trapped or scared or anything that would hold me back from a future..
What captured me today... Is realizing that those I care for the most I am seeing them destroy themselves and instead of being able to beat the crap outta of them to hope to strike some sense into them.. I have to wait at the sidelines hoping they will be okay. I've had a bad feeling for a while now, there have been nightmares and thoughts in my mind of what might go on there in this life anyhow...and I still cant do anything... I have to keep in mind that no one could help me now or in the past.. I had to have wanted the future to be the way it is now.. I had to strive and yearn in places I didn't know existed.. I had to taste the future and taste a better purpose in my own life before I can even desire it.. And now that its coming together...what I'm learning is that I have to fight.. I have to be for real about how i'm feeling and how difficult it is to make the right decision everyday when I know those i care for are making the poor ones.. you know how much I wish sadly wish that i could go back..but i know where that life would take me i know this is not what's meant for me and so I have to continue on this journey at whatever pace this is now and hope for something better.
It truly hurts you know? when you watch people you love get fooled into a life of destruction or when you see someone you love unable to defend themself afraid of that darkness that pain that was there in the past may relive and hurt and destroy something or even self.
Now speaking for real rather than the words I've chosen... Well I'm watching my mom become accustomed to allowing her ex-boyfriend back in the picture at the thought of him spending time with his kids...Instead he has emotionally wounded them and if his words actually meant something to make those kids believe they would faill well than I wouldn't be say anything.. I honestly.. cant even remember or even feel it in my bones that my father ever said anything that destroyed my dreams or hopes or desires, or anything that discriminated me or made me feel small.. and yet here I am witnessing a piece of shit man treat his kids like crap and yet his excuse for coming to vancouver is to visit his kids..and yet very little to none have I seen him actually spend time with his kids.
Than not only that... Once upon a time I had tons of support tons of people I could reach out too when things became tough..Just to find out not even three days ago one of my supports left and moved on..and I am trying everything I can to not care but it bothers me greatly..because I felt like it didn't matter and there is no where to turn anymore and that news was completely crap and it's now questioning all those who stayed behind I wonder if I even have made progress in my life.. as I fight all my coping machinisims.. fighting all my desire to get wasted or take drugs... I wonder how much have I really changed..the other time I wrote I said that we were supposed to be working through anger and yet I couldn't see myself going there because really underneath it all I'm scared of how much my anger completes who I am or who I feel I am... So really how much have I changed...and how long will it take before the rest of my supports are gone... it is completely stupid because now I feel like going backwards because I'm scared to continue on.
On top of all that crap.. I than have the one person!!! ONE!! one fucking person I want in my damn bulshit life...and he cant be here... Trevor has been in my life forever we grew up together and when my father died TREVOR was there for me in a way that NO ONE ELSE COULD BE! and yet even in that he is not here now nor can he be.. And it fucking breaks my heart because i love TREVOR so much... I said it the other day "I will hurt someone I care for to protect someone I would die for" Trevor has been my family forever and when the REST OF THE WORLD bailed on Trevor I was by his side protecting him, believing in him..and yet now he is not able to be there for me.. because of whatever reason.. just as much as people know trevor on different levels they dont know what he has meant to me.. the three years I've lived in Vancouver he has been my only family that has stuck by me through thick and thin, he is the one that walked with me in the darkness, he is the one that laughed with me, been a shoulder I needed... and this isn't fair that I am being treated this way because it makes me feel like shit! I HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!
Lastly the one person who is supposed to be the positive one, my lady! she is going through so much hell on her own that I dont feel like telling her anything because she needs to do what she needs to do... But at the same time I feel the distance coming between us because my phone is cut off and just everything...everything with her is slowing going away...not on purpose but because LIFE is gettin in the way... You know.. how great my lady is?? I dont remember when I told her but she knows my father's birthday is coming up! And she remembered...and that is how much my lady means to me! She knows things that I told her and she has cherished me greatly, and everytime that I am where I am, it's so difficult but I feel ashamed of being where I am because I dont want to hurt her, or let her down again..I'm so scared of this shit going on and I'm so tired of everything!
second lastly... I have classmates questioning the program at school...which in turn is discouraging me... because what's the point you know? whats this program going to do for me? and how worth it is it for me? there was only one reason I was in the program and we decided I decided that I'm insane and not ready for this next step in my life.. and than now.. its like..okay I'm not ready for that so whats this program going to do for me... Once again questioning it all..but knowing FULL WELL!! If i don't stick this program out I'm not going to get anywhere GOOD with my life because i'm freaking scared of not having this program.

I'm desperate for perspective. desperate for a friend to just do whatever friends do.. I'm scared...I'm angry..and I feel the volcano in me ready to blow because I'm getting so upset and so unknown territory that it's truly scaring me..

I have to find a way through this or else I'm afraid I'll make poor decisions again and for that I am scared... I know that I need to do what I need to do for me... I need to really consider myself..After all this constant work of taking care of myself.. I have to continue with that. I have been taking care of my body but now I need to take care of my mind and my spirit..because I feel the world and its influences creeping its way into making me feel like I need to destroy myself...and i cant do that on any account I have to keep living and keep fighting... Keep moving forward!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Im not sure how relevant this would be in talking about this.. I was walking down the drive with a friend who just lost two of his closest family members... I was looking at myself and thinking of a counselling appointment I had just had.. I realized that in the end in dealing with my emotions I'm terrified. I will hide from them, avoid them... as I am an avoider. I am too scared to deal with the emotions that are underlining of the anger that sits and lives within me.
I felt like an idiot today in talking about change for myself, thinking about it as I was coming to this appointment. I was thinking how much I had changed.. I had put away the blades put away the things that prevent me from being the beast... but than I walked into this opportunity for change and avoided it..
I'm scared to deal with those things.. I'm not sure how safe I would be in dealing with those things that are underlining to my anger. I feel like right now.. with all the dreams, nightmares and ideas of being afraid for my life.. The things that are going on with my family and the protector I need to be right now.. How could I imagine dealing with my anger when I know that right now I feel I need to be angry.
It bothered me that I could not voice this in my session.. but i'm scared.. I say that with my head facing to the ground, shame in my heart. I'm scared of dealing with the emotions, of letting go of the anger that has kept me alive and breathing to this day.. I know my way of dealing with things in anger has nearly destroyed me on so many horrible occassions but I also know it's to me in my eyes my safe zone. I dont know much else other than expressing anger..
If ever a time came that I could change I am up for it!

One thing I learned in leaving that session is just the idea of learning about this anger. It doesn't mean I have to change, this could be like this last course just shit thats absorbed in my brain that maybe one day a tool I could use..
Is that crazy????

I think it's crazy.. I'm afraid of my own self. I'm scared of the anger that rages over and explodes that terrifies me.. I'm scared of the feelings that may be hidden underneath the anger that may effect me or hurt me or others. I dont feel that I could producitvely work through these emotions when i feel like right now my life is on the line. I know to others to some it's stupid to think, but when you look at whats going on in my city, whats going on in youth's minds.. it is than it is when you see drunken youth mobin on others, see fights breaking out.. thats what comes to my mind is that one day it's going to happen to me..
I am fighting to stay alive. fighting without using my fists and hope to keep it that way. I have not adopted any relation to any gangs, I have tried my best to be me and all that I am hoping is meant for me..
I have the opportunity to heal and find my way through these circumstances in my life.. I have the opportunity to not be angry anymore..and the only thing that comes to mind.. is how terrified that makes me feel.. I dont know what I would do without my anger, how to productively be angry without fighting, or share the image of fear implanted in those that around me.

If the times comes.. I will try my best to be open to the idea of dealing with anger.. but for right now for's too much to ask of me..because I dont want to see where this would take me.. the road that will come from dealing with all these emotions... I'm not sure I want too even though really I do I don't.. lol if that makes sense... I just have to find a way..

i dont know..

I gotta go.. I'm glad I got to write...cause I really needed that!


Friday, March 5, 2010

tough stuff

Im processing as though things are going to get more difficult than they seem right now.. My main and only concern is that my uncle has ended up in the hospital and I am hoping to see him on Saturday I miss him tons and I need to tell him that every move I make in the future will be in remberance of him.. I will succeed in all I do in his honor... Is that bad that I'm thinking these things? But it's also something that is keeping me from making poor decisions, and preventing me from allowing myself to think of the decisions that might try destroy me as a person.
I have surrounded myself with a life that I know is going nowhere.. I continue to see the difficulties of my fellow people, the their struggle and their pain, the expression of that pain... I am clearly in an unsecure place in my life. I can't help but want to be around people who understand my situation and arae able to relate to me in this time of my life.

I can't communicate anything in a way.. so lets choose words that might help me.. I feel like if this actually comes through if my uncle is actually going away I want to be there, I want to see him, hold his hand and tell him I ain't going to screw up my life...
I feel sad that I feel this way...that it's burdening me so much that I love and miss my uncle so much it honestly makes me regret not being around in this past two years and not spending the proper amount of time with my uncle.. He has worked so hard and doing so many things, and he has always been someone I can count on, someone I love tremendously..

There is a lot going on in the city here... there seems to be a envelope of serious emotions that cannot be explained, everyone feeling something about someone who has passed away... and instead of reacting, instead of being cool with shit they are reacting and causing chaos and destroying themselves in addictions.. I hate to see this happening and hate to express my own things are causing chaos in my own life... too..
I have lost the fine line the seperates me from this life... I have lost the reasons I do what I do, i am who I am.

I have to make right choices.. I have too.. my life depends on the right choices and the right life.. I have too.. I know I'm human but I have to choose to live, choose to do the right thing and be the sensible person who knows lifes struggles... I have to be aware of whats going on for me.. and what I need to do to get through any and all circumstances going on in my life..

There is some fghts going on I gotta go... the chaos of our life right now