Tuesday, September 19, 2017

chaos and falling apart

you know when I'm around my family in the beginning I always think wow this is so great why didn't I do this more often because they are great people blah blah blah.
then the little things happen and it's like the snowball effect it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point it's unbearable.
I can't be a part of my family and their stuff... because its like I used to always say about the snake who eats it's prey.. it sucks the life of it's prey before swallowing it whole..
honestly exact same that happens to me when I'm surrounded by my family.. when I begin to let them back in my life, and begin to do the little things like helping them go from A to B, or even just listening to their bs etx... the little things begin to add up, and my heart begins to crumble, and I get pulled in every direction, to the point I forget that I have nothing at home, I haven't even taken care of myself or my cats, or my home, and I'm back to old thoughts of ending everything because it's to overwhelming..
and then when I release that.. when I let that go... in the way of my addiction that's been around for about 17 yrs... when i go back to that chaos, when I open the door to the beast.. and when I try to shut that door.. it's not helping/working or happening.. and now I'm back to the person I used to be.. I mean from the outside of the box people look in and think how great I am that I'm helping my family, what they don't see is I feel like I'm a slave, obligated and ordered to help them and it sucks the life out of me, and when that happens... I become the darkness.. crazy thoughts set in etx.
and I know what your thinking what about boundaries, what about half way in half way out, etc.. believe I wouldn't be where I am today..

regardless I guess of course with all things in my life.. I'm struggling.. my heart is feeling pulled and broken and is shattering..
the only good thing about it all.. is that I traveled to Alberta... I went to see the one person I had hoped loved and cared and cherished me.. and of course she did, and it was more than just those things.. and now I'm considering relocating... yes I know insane cray.. but I just don't know what there is else here for me in the city, I always said that I came back to this horrible place for my family, I came to protect them, defend them, and to kill that one person who hurt someone in my family.. and all the most have been done, except killing the child molester..only because I can't find him.. anyway I just don't see a point in me being here any more.. I don't see purpose for me in the city, with my job, friends and family... everything is falling apart. and I'm sure I'm just being crazy and thinking about running away from problems and how that doesn't solve anything...
it will solve the one thing! that I'll get out of the grip of my family..and maybe find some sort of happiness for myself.

I'm currently losing my mind.. and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I don't know how to walk away and be ok with whatever bs I have going on.. I am going to consider Alberta, because I love the person that is there,and I think that I can be happy... for some time.. and I think I deserve that right about now... in this time in my life.

Monday, September 4, 2017

deadbeat dad return

I can't describe how stupid it is that I have to be outside of this looking in, and seeing my sister make a big mistake, believing this piece of shit could change, or that he cares for his kid or my sister. the sacrifices she makes for him, and I'm tired of it..
I may lose my chances of seeing Elijah but at least I won't beat the shit out of his dad. so I guess it's a bonus, I can't sit by and watch my family welcome him in the house, or let him treat my sister the way he does, and I can't stand by and let that all happen. so I have to do whats right for me.
I already told my sister this last payday it would be the only time I help her with Elijah, I bought him formula, diapers, a swing, we picked up a crib, changing table, I bought him new outfits etx. I did all I can, and the father did nothing.
so I'm walking away and letting them figure shit out and hope that I'm wrong about this piece of shit father.
I hate the world today and I hate how things are.. I wish it was easier, I wish I could have hope for someone like him, but I've known so many people like him, there's nothing to like.
I am going to have to step away from my family, step away from Elijah.. and just take care of myself, and in that it will be very alone and very sad.. but I don't have a choice..
lately I've been having flashbacks of my past and the person I used to be.. and I must say that I'm disgusted at the person I used to be, and it only took one person to actually believe in me, actually an entire group of strong women that believed in me, and never gave up on me.. but for this deadbeat dad, that likely doesn't exist, because he's not ready for that change.. he knows how to talk all the talk but he doesn't know how to be there for his kid or the mom..
He F's off every chance he gets, and does fuck all to help the family, and my family still accepts him and lets him sit in their house..
I won't even let him sit in my car. piece of shit.
I'm so angry..disappointed...hurt? I know that I'm being proud and/or stubborn more so being judgemental against this one person..but if you knew what he has said and done to my sister, you'd understand why I despise him.
My sister and Elijah deserves someone better than that... someone who actually loves them, and will take care of them, rather then being distant and demanding my sister to do everything.. she's exhausted enough with having the baby, and recovering from that, this guy just doesn't care.. if he care he'd do more for her, more for his son.. what's important to him is his addiction, and making my sister help curve his cravings with other things
I am disappointed in my family because they just let him sit there.. if it were me I'd make him feel like garbage, so uncomfortable his only safe place is in my sisters' room because he's not welcome.
the downfall to this is that I lose Elijah... it's already been two days since I seen him, and it's a lot of deadbeat dad that's stopping me from seeing him.. it hurts.. i love that kid so much, but he's not my kid, and he's ok with his mom and my family... at no real time does he actually need me at all... I just think that he does, because I've missed 5 days since he was born, but well 7 days now..
I don't know what to focus on if it's not seeing him.. and that is also hard.. because my life has been consumed by Elijah, he's become my whole world that now losing him... I don't know how I'll survive.
I'm sure I'm being dramatic... lets put it in this pathetic sense... everyone who's anyone has seen "twilight" more so the last one before Bella becomes a vampire... she gives birth to a baby, and Jacob... imprints on that baby... and it was in that moment he knew his whole life was meant for this one kid.. to protect her, guide her etx...blah blah cheesy blah blah
My whole purpose is to protect and love Elijah, and to take him away from me... hurts like hell and it's like my heart is now broken... and he's the only one that can make that better...until then...

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

deadbeat dad

I realize more and more why I refuse to have children... there's so much uncertainty in this world, if couples will stay together for benefit of a kid, or even make a plan to go to counselling, have date night, what ever it takes to stay together...
I have watched for the past 2 to 3 weeks my sister pine over a deadbeat dad, who bailed on his son... he doesn't care about his son, he doesn't care about his family. he basically uses my sister for all this stuff and when she has nothing he F's off and goes sleeping with other women, and doing drugs and drinking. he is incapable of being a father, and is no good to Elijah.
I hate the world that accepts this disappointment.. I feel more hurt that I believed him... in the hospital and the first 2 weeks, he spouted all this b.s that he's going to be a great dad, and great parent, great boyfriend, and how he's going to wear matching clothes, how he's going to teach his son all this b.s and yet after two weeks he gave up.
he called my sister with b.s like he is scared, he doesn't want to do it, and he is going to sign over full custody to my sister, and then turns back on it. he threatens to get my sister in trouble and get Elijah taken away from him. and then if not that then he gets in his b.s addiction and depression stating he's going to harm himself, because his heart is going to give out.
I seriously despise him.. I have missed 5 days out of Elijah life... 5 F'in days out of his life! I am willing and able to take on Elijah full time! I offered and everything.. I am preparing my home for Elijah to be with me at the drop of a hat, because their relationship is so unstable... anything could happen, and if Elijah safety becomes an issue than they will call me.
I don't want Elijah forever, my sister is a great mom.. she loves him so much, and she's changed so much.. she fights for her son! she doesn't drink, she doesn't f' off every 5 minutes to make poor choices. she chooses everyday to be there for her son.. and for that I applaud her, and I'm so proud of her.
the only downfall for my sister is the idiot boyfrend, not even boyfriend he's the deadbeat dad who when he feels like giving my sister attention he comes around.. and then pays my other sister to watch Elijah rather then getting up and taking care of his own kid, he even refuses to hold his own kid seriously what the F!
I have barely let Elijah go, tomorrow I am buying him a swing, diapers, milk and more warm onesies, and what has his father done? his father has lied and lied and lied... his father has decided junk food, drugs and alcohol are more important than his own kid.. which sadly is the reality of the world where I am from.. but when I spoke with deadbeat he told me he'd be great, he spouted all this b.s that I believed.. so unless I can punch him in the face and kick him in the junk, and tell him to go to detox where he'd actually listen to me.. that is the only time I'll actually listen to him, and give him a grain of salt of respect for anything.

basically when he stops being so F selfish... when he decides to make the choice my sister made when her son was born, and when that day comes! Maybe I'll have respect for him.. MAYBE.
I don't like be disappointed and so far he's done nothing that has caught my attention, and he has done nothing that is worth my time.

It's insane... Elijah was born one month ago... greatest kid ever... I love that they came to visit me at work.. even though not only did elijah spit up on me, he also peed so much that went through his diaper and onto my shirt.. haha
Id take that any day of the week, rather than feel any bad feelings toward him. and I hope when he grows up, that he remembers me... and knows how much I love him,and how much I'm looking out for him..
I'm sure I'll be his crazy aunt! but I'll be able to love him unconditionally and without question..
but it had me thinking for sure..

I thought how great it would be to go through that terrible process to have the greatest gift ever! to have a kid... and as much as I want that! as much as I'd love to have a baby to love, and to grow them up in a beautiful way, and let them be who they are, and teach them our language, traditions, and culture etc. or even how to do soccer and whatever the kid wants to learn.. and travel with them at a young age, or whatever the case may be.
I always thought I wouldn't want kids...but my baby craze has  me clipped on this idea that I want a kid... I want to share the love I have and to teach beautiful things, and to feel that connections only mothers have with their children.. but..
but.... the world we live in is cold.. the world we live in is dark... and yes light can shine in darkness, but it won't always work, sometimes darkness snuffs out the light... sometimes things are so dark and turmoil that it's just unbearable..
I couldn't raise a kid in a world like this... I am still discriminated against, I still am the minority, and I still am living in a world where people are talking about nuclear missiles, and war, and whatever else.. let alone not to forget... that there are thousands of abandoned children in Social Service system, there are children starving in 3rd world countries that could probably love some help.
My only option if I'm ever in any position would be to become a foster parent.... as much as I want to share my life with a baby, I think that becoming a foster parent is the next best thing, to be able to love young people, teenagers, or whatever the case may be.. to make a change in people's lives, to even just tell someone that I believe in them..
this would be just about as fulfilling as having a baby.. and that's why I won't have a baby.. there are so many First Nations children that are in the system who need nice homes that aren't racist, and aren't calling our parents dirty indians etc. Idk that's juts my experience from when I was in foster care, I only had 2 families that actually loved me, everyone else treated me badly..

I am just confused...and hurt right now.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

#FOE

I've been pretty quiet lately only because I'm absolutely going crazy and losing my mind with the chaos of life.. and mainly.. that I've worn myself thin with trying to help my family specifically my sister who just had a baby... I've been going there for about 20 days straight, everyday after work I'm there, when my nephew opens his eyes he sees me. and I tried.. to tell my sister all these ideas, and all these back up plans that if she needed help with this or that.. I tried to be that for her.. believe me I love my nephew.. I love him beyond all things.. there is no greater love than what I have for my nephew. I even looked it up in my native language about how to call my nephew by our language. I decided I could call him nephew in First Nation language "Stí:wel" which means nephew. I figured I'd let him grow up hearing me call him that..
I have pictures of everyday of being with him, I even have taken pictures of his hands and his feet and his head. lol I'm the one that he sleeps on my chest, head close  to my lower chin, and he curls up and just stays there as it's his most comfortable place. I bought all these things for him so that of all things, he'd not go without.
I know it's extreme I'm sure it is.. but I didn't realize how much I love kids, or this kid.. there's something beautiful about this kid coming into the world.. but I'll still refuse to have my own kids, after everything I've seen in this world.. there's no way I can do it

so on top of this.. my sister boyfriend. baby daddy, piece of garbage... at the hospital.. he talked.. talked about how much he'd be there, how much he'd give up so much for his son, how they are going to dress the same, how he's going to be this that and the other thing.. and then he fucked off.. he left on Friday saying that he can't do it.. my sister was hurt.. i was angry. and he basically ignored my sister and his son for about 5 days, and now it's social assistance week, and he comes crawling back to my sister because she will have money.. and she's buying him this and that and bulshit after bulshit. she's not smart.. as soon as Friday hits he will be gone, knowing he spent all her money, and did all this shit to her.. and he'll leave, he has already made it clear that he doesn't care about my sister, he's already said that he wants custody of their son. This guy has done nothing but cut my sister down, telling her how incompitent she is, how she isn't a good mom, or how she isn't pretty or some abusive cycle that if I see him.. I'll punch him in the fuckin face.
And my sister... she lets him.. she lets him come back, she lets him walk all over her. treat her like garbage and take take take and then fuck off.. she lets it happen..
and I can't stand by and watch. I decided to put my foot down and say fuck this.. I don't want this guy around my nephew, don't want him near me.. and so of course my sister gets stupid and decides to step away from me..
now I don't even have my sister or my nephew.

The cycle of abuse.. the abuser..the abuse person.. I cannot describe enough how hard it is for me to stand by and watch this shit happen... but I work in places that have these exact things happening.. and so.. I know.. the only way I can deal with this is.. is to step away.. and wait.. and when my sister is ready... she'll hopefully make the right choice for her and her son.
Believe me... I want to be there to support my sister to encourage her all these things.. but right now she's refusing to listen to me, alls she thinks is that he's good for his son.. but that's not true.. he won't even remember this guy cause he's going to fuck off. because that's exactly who he is..
my sister tells me give him a chance.. if he wanted to be taken seriously he'd go to detox, he'd go to treatment he'd get the help he needs to get away from drugs and alcohol. and he'd stop cutting down my sister telling her how ugly she is, or how this that or other thing.. but he doesn't and so therefore I see no change and the cycle continues.. and I'm disappointed

the downfall for this for me.. is that I lose the connection with my nephew. I don't get to see him, don't get to hold him. today I went out and bought him a few items.. that he might like, I got a new baby on board sign for my car.. and now... that's all gone.. it hurts like my heart is being ripped from my chest... I absolutely love this kid and now just like that.. he's gone...
I stand my ground... even though I'm losing those valuable beautiful moments with my nephew.
I don't know how to stand up for my sister. all's I can do is to continue to support her and tell her what she hopefully already knows, that this is wrong and that's it's not normal for a man to say shit like he does, or act the way he does... I mean he goes off and sleeps with other women... seriously what is my sister thinking.. but I think he has her so entangled...
I will wait till it all falls apart again.. and hope to continue to tell her that she deserves better, and so does her son..

I just wish.. it wasn't so hard to show them you know.. show her what I see in her! show her that she deserves better... and even if that better comes along, she'll probably fight it because she'll think she doesn't deserve it or something. IDK>
I pray one thing... that she sees the truth soon! and that she fights for full custody of her son..

until than...my heart is broken knowing I can't see my nephew.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

having a crisis

I feel like a loser...

First off, yesterday July 31, 2017 at 10:10AM, my sister delivered her son Elijah into this world, and for that I'm so proud of her... she also let me be in the delivery room with her.. absolutely amazing but not a lot of pictures I can share with the world lol.

Anyway.. Im a loser because I have a huge debt... and instead of asking for help or getting help.. I did nothing... and now... as a result of my irresponsibility my accounts at the bank have been frozen, the bank wants at least 500 dollars of  payment for an account I no longer have access too.

Believe me... its the worst feeling.. I had 95 dollars left.. that was to pay my hydro and the rest was for my food... and having zero dollars, and hearing that no matter what I do my account will remain frozen until the bank get something from me.. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't have 500 dollars lying around, and I don't gamble, don't go to bingo, so I can't afford to somehow magically come up with money to pay off the debt that's over 10, 000 dollars..

On top of this... my vehicle.. I took it in to get the brakes done, and the oil checked.. and instead of a simple what 200 dollars, the place tells me that theres severe issue with this and that and it will cost over a thousand dollars.. at no time in the all the idiotic times that I've been to repair shop has anyone mentioned or told me this, and instead let it wear out, so currently only one side of my car is fixed, and that in itself too all my money  from my payday.

so no money.. no food. no gas, no coffee... not even a piece of bread.. I'm dying.. and I'm and idiot.. I had planned along time ago to go away for the long weekend, but I'm afraid now..because I'm going without any money, and I basically paid for the nonrefundable hotel so I can't even get my money back.. to cancel my trip

I honestly feel like killing self.. and I feel like quitting my job, and stop collecting so much money and blowing it on things, it's time to be poor and have nothing.. but it also would mean that Im choosing to become homeless..
I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to make it to my next payday, I don't even know how i'm going to get the money from my work for any payment of anything.. I'm completely screwed..
I just don't know what to do.. besides have thoughts and desires about wanting to give up.. because I now see NO way out of this..

Friday, July 28, 2017

Psychotic

I really hope that I'm only feeling this way because I'm hungry or that I'm triggered by my constant need to come to this part of Vancouver to see my mom.. in 2009 I believe I almost died an to my follows you will remember my life back then an I wrote about it.. however I think I'm having a bad day..
My ride over here I just wish it would end... the constant concern for money, for debts, an my constant b.s of helping others an giving up my stuff for others. I wish that I could give up whatever fuckin hope I think there is. I wish I could just throw my hands up and give up... I'm constantly battling within myself.. An today I lost.. today "The Beast" has won an I just want it all to end...

I think another part to that is that I was talking to my friend an it stirred thoughts of what happened a year ago today.. I was just about off work... I guess I must have been washing my hands an I take my rings off to do that.. An for some reason I dropped the ring... An it shattered.. a stainless steel or whatever ring.. broke in two while Falling on a tile floor. I was sad but figured it would one day be replaced.. But now.. after that.. I went to a stupid dinner where I was planning on setting up my friend with this guy I know.. An it ended up he hit it off with someone else.. An i was furious.. the whole point of that stupid dinner was for these other two to talk an I guess he wasn't interested in her anyway..
I got mad at my friend.. An that was the friend that bought me that ring.. An so now.. fate... accident. Whatever it may have been...that ring is associated with that incident an it hurts me.. for who knows what reason...her an I didn't talk for a month I think..

An yet here i am... still feeling whatever I felt... An on top of that... this is her.. the one her...that I haven't spoken to in 3 months going on four months.. An ill tell you that stings.. I devoted my love an admiration to this one amazing person. And yes she's not that great she's far from perfect. But I accepted her for her who she is, I loved her for what she had been for me.

I wish... I wish I didn't think of this anymore... an on top of that my two best friends.. aren't even talking to me.. so it's like all my bridges an supports are crumbling.. an usually I'd fall back on my family an that isn't even happening... so distant an cold..
I hate my life..

Maybe a lesson in how to be independent on my own.. to not need anyone to be me or complete me.  But we are social beings, we are people who need connections, need that everything bulshit.

See these are reasons I should be allowed to give up! I should be allowed to just decide fuck it.. I want to die..
I have nothing at this very moment that is giving me reason to live another day... why cant I be a being that doesn't care.. I deserve to not care.. I still think my answer should be no to helping people.. an here I am hungry an broke.. because what oh cause I helped people.
I even offered to pay people to kill me.. but there's no amount that would make it worth it or real..
Just depressed an beast is winning today

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

look in the mirror

the letter/package has been sent... what an unbelievable weird experience.. Im not even sure what I'm wanting to say in the package...I also can't believe the journal entries I found at random... it's hard to go through the journals an a part of me doesn't want to do it all.. I just want to burn them and forget I ever lived whatever life that once was.. but I'm not exactly there yet.. so for now I slowly randomly read through them..

I had some rough days recently... I for the first time... became anxious at the reality of my life.. for the first time in a long time.. and no one would really believe I'd say this.. with the way I speak about cutting, the way I speak about this deep addiction/deep desire and need for the blade that I use for cutting.. for what seems to be the first time in a long time... I stopped carrying it (blade), I stopped allowing that piece hold me down, or give me the urge to continue to scar up my left arm... and for the first time recently I had regretted letting the blade go, and I purposely refused to come home because I knew if I did... the feeling... the relief, the love and admiration (distorted or not) there is no deeper connection for me an that stupid blade... so I refused to let myself fall back into that place, and even when I did come home I waited a few days, but the anxiety grew because for the first time I had forgotten where I put the blade.. so I found it, and have it visible at home.. but I still don't carry it with me.
I don't know what other things I do to avoid cutting, I'm guessing it's just my other addiction of zoning out, of not carrying about the world or feeling of numbness..which is similar to the feeling I get from cutting... just to feel that blade cut my arm... man alive. I hate to say that out loud but there is no greater, as that has been my one addiction since I think 15yrs... so for me to leave that at home, and to be able to stand on my own..it's pretty serious ground for me.

I know the letter I sent.. I told her... (my lady) I told her she doesn't have to worry about me anymore... that if we never spoke again, that she could know fully that "I choose life" and for me that is the biggest accomplishment to not hate my life, to not want and think and desire death... to be able to stand my ground... I had this picture of what that looked like... for so long I looked like I was on the edge, ready to die, ready to jump... and for the first time, I stand close to the edge but with courage in my heart, love in my soul and I want to live.

Honestly don't feel that way at this moment... but this is generally my life now... choosing to live.. and choosing to struggle but choosing to break through all these obstacles believing maybe.. I'll get there one day..

I'm psychotic I know! lol dangerous not! loved and cared for absolutely..
It's bringing up a lot of ideas for me... thinking of my lady and her reading that letter... I put so much into it... to say the right thing, or to be me... and to share those pieces of my journal that expressed my ultimate love and gratitude for the amazing woman she is, I could and will never love anyone more than I love her! and that's a terrible thing to say I know.. because obviously I'll find love one day but I guess I'll admit.. I'm not talking about that kind of love, but something deeper, something pure and something unconditional..
I actually had the right insane words to say.. but I didn't have a pen to write them in the letter I sent.. so I saved it in my phone.. what do you think? insane?
"Love you for now, forever and for always. unconditional, without judgement; no regrets,  love you"

maybe i heard that somewhere? I don't know.. but when I said it out loud while driving cause I was trying to remember it word for word.. I was trying to think of why i love her, how I love her..there is nothing more beautiful then the love I have for that one woman across the country.. no matter what she has done, will do, or becomes, I'll love her... unconditionally without judgement, and no regret. INSANE! I know... but if only the whole story was a movie!
She wrote how I was the butterfly, and how the beast would one day lose it's hold on me!. and although I feel it..deep deep within me, the beast that lurks in my hurt and anger... I have maybe controlled it, but it's not a butterfly that's flourishing within me, that's too beautiful.. I'm more magnificent, more unique and yes I mean the Phoenix, rising from the ashes, rising from the darkness. no matter what anyone says about who I am, and what I've done, or am going to do! I will always rise from the ashes, I'll always move forward.

but like a psycho.. I'm also fully prepared and ready to die.. if the world ended tomorrow, if I died tomorrow... I'm ready for that.. because I have loved, I have lost, and I have lived.  I'm glad to have lived all these wonderful years, and hated some of those years,but rising from the ashes and being as unique and beautiful there is nothing greater.

I look in the mirror and i don't know how I ever... thought it would never get better.. I remember those dark days, and yet here I am... I could still be in darkness, but I have the courage, strength, and love to pull through it.. I am moving forward!

I even had a dream about one day meeting that special someone, and I can't even remember who they were, but I remember the way I felt... so maybe it'll happen... maybe... it could be good... for a little while!

I miss you my lady! 143

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Butterfly....is actually Phoenix

a couple weeks ago my sister found some journals.. I've been collecting them... I am hoping to burn them... some dark stuff in the journals, and also a lot of truth in them.. I spent about 8 yrs writing about one very important person... I talked about "my lady" the woman I believe was sent to me, and saved my life... and not literally saved my life, but believed in me, and stood by me through hellish times, and never gave up on me.
I honestly wholeheartedly am psychotic but I believe that this relationship is ended.. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 months, I think of her everyday, and I miss her everyday. but for the first time in my life... I'm not desiring to be "saved" by anyone, i'm in a place for the first time that I am ok with my life; I have no imminent thoughts to commit suicide I feel ok with my life.. I do feel a  loss  with this relationship ending.. But I've written her a letter, I'm sending her two gifts. one is something I said I'd send her, and the second I'm hoping I can make into something beautiful to always remind her of what was...?! IdK it's like my youtube video that I never made! a constant idea or thought of some sort of creativity that never ends up happening..but maybe this will.

Its actually pretty sad..  I read some journal entries about my past and I just can't believe who i used to be you know? how did I ever think that way? or how did I ever make it through those terrible times, and why has this happened to me! 
I added a picture of a note that I wrote... so many years ago... I don't remember the context of why I said what I did, but I'll tell you I've never understood why "my lady" had stayed in my life, why she remained by my side, and why she wouldn't have left for all the fucked up times.. the late night calls that I was in the hospital again, or when I created the 14 inch gash on my arm, she was there... and I could not hurt her more than that.. and yet.. even inspite of that she remained, she came to the hospital, she loved me, and cared for me... nothing can be more beautiful than that friendship
anyway the note basically is her telling me that she believed in me.. and that she knew "the beast" was at whirwind of wanting to destroy my life and end it.. but that there is also something else within me that is fighting for life, otherwise why did i call for help, why did I let her stay in my life.. and she always said things like... its name is butterfly.. and I guess for a while I believed that.. but as time has gone by.. I believe it's something else!
I love and don't remember how it all came to life...but when I found out about the Phoenix and found out "rising from ashes" a huge transformation that cannot be described.. I decided this was me.. I have risen from darkness, risen from the ashes.. I am not where I was, and I'm soaring to a beautiful future that cannot be described yet..
Anyway.. I'm off topic... I'm changed.. I'm not who I was 8 years ago, and as much as I want to move back to Ontario to be with "my lady" reality is... we aren't who we were... she and I have lots of dreams and hopes and common ground but we're in different places in our lives,.. and our lives are also no longer intertwined, we are in different provinces, different lives, and she is likely happy where she is! and I'm not happy but I know that I'm not thinking of dying tomorrow. 
I have made new friend. and I have survived this 3 months with that friend. I know that I can and will find my destiny, and I'll never forget "my lady" we are forever branded with matching tattoos, and one day when she needs me.. I'll be there for her. 
so soon... when I have the money. I'll send her gift... and let that be it.. there is no reason to cry, because it is a good thing....I don't need her, she doesn't need me. we are free to live our lives, and not worry about one another.. and comparing that to eight years ago, it's incredible. if someone knew who she was back then and see where she's at now.. its a beautiful world we live in!
I will always and forever love her.. but I can love her and not have her in my life. we will love and be loved, we will share pieces of our hearts with one another and have those beautiful memories.. regardless moving on, moving forward.. 
KMF 8385

Phoenix 



Saturday, July 1, 2017

unknown citizen

I don't think anyone reading would understand an ordeal that I went there so many years ago! I don't know who I was back then, or what it is that's inside of me that wants to die (beast of burden) a darkness hidden within myself..
about 8 yrs ago... i went out to drink with some friends, I was just getting over my ex gf and she happened to be there.. and I wanted her to miss me so bad, or at least be able to handle hanging out with me with no strings attached, or IDK! what I was trying to do. so I decided to buy all the liquor for us all, and I tried to not get wasted.. I tried not to drink so much.. without knowing it.. the liquor had hit me... and everyone wanted me to buy more... and I said no... and that's the last thing I remember...
I woke up in the hospital.. handcuffed to a bed... with a strong urge to pee... i was released from handcuff to pee, and I had asked if someone had hurt me.. what had happened.. next thing I know I'm seeing a plastic surgeon to discuss the 14 inch gash on my arm... and to see if they need to repair something ?
After that... I spent 3 weeks in psychiatric care... I was for the first time... being forced to deal with "the beast" the darkness.. forced to name the thing that was buried within me, that every time I drank that I wanted to die... as I sat in the hospital bed.. IDK if it was the radio on or how I heard this one song...of course! The Rolling Stones "beast of burden" I decided or a light came on.. and I decided that's what my darkness will be called, that's what whatever is inside me that wants to die, that wants to watch the world burn, or wants me to burn.. it's going to be called the beast of burden!

I spent the 3 weeks in the hospital... bandage change every other day.. and I was so ashamed... so utterly ashamed of what had happened that I couldn't look at the wound.. I couldn't bare to see what it was... I did let my lady see it... she came and visited me in the hospital and all. My lady was my anchor and I know that no one is allowed to be given the responsibility... or no one should be put in the light like that, but I was broken! I was shattered and I was seeking, searching, yearning for a purpose.. and to look into her beautiful eyes, to have her wrap her arms around me, or tell me she loved me. nothing could ever be more fulfilling, to know that of all the people in the entire world this woman loved me, she loved me without limits, unconditionally, and without judgement.. she gave up a lot for me, she was there for me for everything..

Anyway... that's the story... of who I was.. the most significant painful thing I've ever done... maybe.. at least one of them..
but... the surgery I had in May of this year... has triggered me...
I'm sorry to the whole world of my friends who don't know that this has been a rocky road... to bring up memories, thoughts, moments that I can't and will never forget...

so I know someone in the police force.... my job allows me to connect with them... and so I decided to ask.. for the first time in 8 yrs.. I asked a police officer about the incident that night..
there was an UNKNOWN CITIZEN that saved my life...
as I stood or sat there bleeding to death on my forearm... this unknown citizen not only came to my aid, they were the one that called police, ambulance!
do you know I was with about 6 people... that night... supposedly my friends.. and not one of them was there with me.. not one of them helped me.. not one of them asked if I survived..

this unknown citizen applied pressure to my wound, and waited with me till help arrived and then that person left the scene.. and the only reason I know this person existed.. was because I called my lady... and I left a message... IDK what the message was, but it was the worst message anyone could ever leave, my lady won't tell me what I said, or what was happening..except to say it haunted her... how horrible the message was. and inspite of that..she said she could hear someone in the back round asking if I needed help, and that they were going to call 911.

SO I decided to ask the police for the report... detailed as can be... because I was blacked out when this all went down.. I don't remember anything... and honestly a part of me is grateful.. because it hurts...so much.. just writing these words out.. my eyes well up, and my heart thumps harder... because it's hard for me to talk about.

so the police report.. stated that there were three witnesses, who heard me crying screaming and bleeding. there were a couple of people who were allegedly my friends who gave statements stating that I was planing on killing myself.. and that I had cut myself with my work razors..
Unfortunately back then.. I was in construction... and I accidentally left work... that day.. with 100 super sharp razors in my back pocket.. I didn't realize it till I was far away.. I thought I'd be ok with just keeping them in my pocket.. and that was what I used to cut my arm..
1/2 and inch away from my major artery.. I survived..

it's hard to think about.. and yet... honestly... I want it to go Viral. I want that Unknown citizen to know that I survived.. not only did I survive..but that I'm not that person anymore. that i've changed my life... and I don't allow certain people in my life.. because it's not who I am anymore.. and it's sometimes hard to be this person.. but I refuse! I refuse to let "the beast" come to life! I don't care what's going on in my life! I can't let that happen...because I'm fuckin terrified! there's nothing scarier.. no nightmare, no under bed problems, this is the worst fear of my life! to know there is something deep within me, that wants to die! wants to take a blade, a pill, an accident, a bridge, a fall, or whatever...it wants me to die... the fight within me is tough and sometimes unbearable.
but I can't give up! I was and am here for a reason!
I don't know why I need to write about it...except to say I'm feeling triggered and I'm having a hard time right now... and I know people think "Just get over it" imagine where I was, and how it feels, and wait..don't imagine! just let me feel what I feel...and work through it..or not.. work through it. let me fail or succeed whatever I do.. it's on me..

To the Unknown Citizen
Thank you for saving my life!

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

joker/batman/superman

I'm still addicted to the idea of super heroes, yes Joker is in that mix.. because as much as we all hope to be like superman or batman, realistically we or I am all crazy inside anyway. haha
I'm having a hard time right now.. and it's hard to explain.. except to say that I bailed on my sister and friend today, because I am exhausted... not just from working..but from helping others, and wanting to be there for people... when realizing and knowing full heartedly that I'm an introvert! I value and thrive and recharge by moments of being alone, and spending time by myself, enjoying watching my favourite movies "suicide squad" and "batman vs superman" haha this is what recharges the whatever that it is that makes me or allows me to enjoy the world again..
I almost lost it today! to the point that I wanted to turn off my phone and just screw it all together but I couldn't.. cause of course I'm addicted to my phone but also knowing no one really messages me. I basically got mad at everyone who messaged me! and my first thought was ice cream! haha I wanted to go. but things didn't work out, and because it was a nice day! i knew I had to come home and hide away.
the world is changed so much! and even my family dynamics have changed, I've been there at home a bit more, and its hard! I love my family, and with my sisters pregnancy i do want to be there for her you know. but it's hard.. and at the same time.. she's got rarely anyone.. only because no one wanted her to have the baby... we all wanted her to stop! but she didn't  and she thought her idiot boyfriend would be there. and i told her.. i knew and seen what would happen just like every young couple they broke up, he's in a new relationship and threatening to take the baby that hasn't even been born. almost to say all my sisters hard work into working on herself, and cleaning herself up, and trying to get housing, and not using drugs blah blah blah! and yet she's having a hard time keeping it together, so I've been trying! trying so hard to help her but its hard.. I don't know anything about children, pregnancy or anything actually! because I've never and will never go through this experience.
anyway I'm trying.. and it's hard because I feel like i'm getting sick! I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.. and I need a break.. unfortunately the only break I have is in August, so I'm going to have to find a way to make it till then.. I'm hoping that means things like skydiving.. or even getting a tattoo!
I'm conflicted with my tattoo ideas! i have three tattoo ideas, and one of them I'd have to pay someone to create it which is awesome, but what shall it be... I know it's a good idea to add some tradition into my tattoo, but in something that would honour my dad.. honour my uncle, honour the men in my life.. that have died.. but have left an imprint on my life! I don't know what that looks like yet.. but I can tell you Father's day was hard for me!
no matter what I do and how much I pretend that Shi* doesn't hurt.. it still does... my uncle's birthday was june 13 I mean would have been... and he's gone.. and that was hard for me.. and then father's day was terrible. I mean it was good in the sense that I had dinner with my brothers and my best friends, and that was good.. but it's not reality of all the garbage of people celebrating that day! and then when I hear people complain about their parents I just want to shake them! scream at them! do you know what it's like to lose a parent, to have to celebrate these shitty years without them! to have to remember their birthdays, or the day they died or fathers day! imagine how that feels!
should be grateful! I will tell you right now! I'm absolutely grateful to have my mother! the strongest woman I've ever known! no matter how hard her life got, she never turned her life into chaos, she didn't stay in addiction, she decided made the decision to love her kids, and she decided to turn from drugs and alcohol and now...I believe 22 years later clean and sober.. and raised 6 kids on her own. and she is still working and volunteering in the very community that she once was a part of in the sense of once she lived down there, once she drank in that bar, once she staggered through those streets and yet here she is! she is a the executive director of a AFD, she still volunteers at places, and is well known within the community! if it were up to me she should get a reward
although she doesn't like material things! believe me.. I've gotten her almost everything in the book, she likes appreciation in the little things.. just to make her smile there's nothing like that in the world, or on christmas when I bought her the ring with all her children birth stones. she absolutely loved it and wanted that! she likes to tell people about that..
anyway i love my mom! and a lot of people say I'm like my mother in the sense that i'm working in the same community, and I don't drink, and I try and be a good example.. I fail and fall short sometimes but I'm human... I do the best I can when I can..
Regardless I guess.. according to my old counsellor.. we all are our own heroes, we all have it within ourselves to make it through hardships and make it through these difficult days.. I'm having a hard time remembering that because it's been an unbelievable time lately there's no way to express what I'm going through, or what I'm feeling.. I wish I could have it easier just for a short time you know? let something good happen.. let wonder woman save my life! lol let her make my day for a day! or a month or a week. haha
IDK... what should I do... where should I go! let me marry that woman in Germany and let me be happy! lol at least in my dreams tonight, or someone get me a ticket, and tell her to marry me! haha like Johnny Cash asked June Carter! "Marry me, you're my best friend" haha

YOLO

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Searching for a Hero

I recently heard that a country or town or city... named Wonder Woman the ambassador in an effort to raise awareness.
As crazy as it sounds I think it might inspire people to want to rise up  might want to make women, girls look up to something, be inspired by something.. not a person who definitely would let us down. I mean people are flawed... all people are.. but a fictional character that was created in what seemed a time of chaos who can say no to that? not that we all have to become warriors, or that we have to pretend to be invincible, but that we could maybe fight for those who are defenceless, to have experiences we normally wouldn't have.. because we're always told not allowed, or it's not accepted.. etc.. but Wonder Woman was a woman who had a pure and beautiful heart, and she came out in a time where the world was at war, and she in fictional place defeated all else, and rose up, and inspired others.
What's wrong with that as a inspiration? it's not like people think Superman is real, but we all admire and love his love for people, and his strength and speed, his heat vision, and his experiences. obviously no one in the world is Superman, but we all want to be like him! and even remembering if God is real he wanted us all in his image. Think about Superman? think about Wonder Woman? God "Like" creations, obviously there's a reason for them. and maybe we'll never be those types of heroes but we will definitely save someone one day, when it is our time...
Just like that woman for the life of me.. I can't remember her name.. while I was standing on the ledge, ready to jump.. I was ready to end my entire life and for whatever reason she walked into it.. yes she's only a negotiator but she saved my life... she helped me think outside the box, helped me see this wasn't the end and that I could choose something else.. and for whatever reason I listened, likely cause I was scared of dying, but she helped me... and I'll forever be grateful to her for what she did. and even as we were leaving the ledge, she asked me "why did you listen to me" what made me change my mind.. and I admit it.. she did..  she really brought me back from the clutches of a dark time.
and that goes with my lady too... she helped me through a difficult time.. and I still honestly believe that time has ended with her.. .because she is living a beautiful life where ever she is.. and I'll always remember her, I've got the tattoos to prove that. but i know and believe moving on is what's best for both of us
as for heroes.. i think the point of it all is we all have a hero inside of us, and maybe even just to save ourselves... to decide to put the blade down? to decide to make the call and ask for help, or to even decide not to eat that junk food, or have another drink... it's all the littler things, these attention to detail, and without even noticing it... realizing people were watching the entire time, and are inspired by the little things... not big gestures, just us being us..
I think... if I'm going to survive this time in my life... I'm going to have to find the hero within myself, because no one else can save me. a part of me wants to give up..
Thinking of the two face... one side was he himself, and the other was destruction and insanity... I feel like that's what i'll be... for now... a part of me wants to live, but theres this other piece of me that just wants to watch it all burn, let my life go up in smoke.. all my possessions, and all my life over and gone.
I'm struggling with this.. and I'm hiding it really well, and filling the void with anything and everything... I guess I'm just confused... what is my purpose... and when will I find someone else to love! get these crazy thoughts gone... when can someone love me..
when can I change? and change the world? Is it even possible.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

sentimental shit

I am thinking about a lot of things today... Mainly about my lady, the one woman who has stood by me for I think 8 yrs.. she has moved to Ontario.. And I'm thinking about all those years of my life.. Why or how did I find someone so amazing?
we met one another in our darkest days... she was struggling with a lot of different things, and I was struggling with a lot more different things... and I feel like we were the oddest  friends but our one passion kept us together, we wanted to change the world..
I literally drained her beyond all things... all my texts, calls, hospital visits, cutting, suicidal shit. I was a nightmare for anyone, and honestly a lot of people bounced out of my life, because I was crazy, and if people knew why it all came together I think it would have changed a lot of things, but there's too much to be ashamed about that I couldn't imagine showing that part of my life.
I think the world says... not to be the hero complex, we can't save everyone... and no matter what I did to my lady, she would still be there by my side, and she never left me.. I haven't met anyone like her, and I can't believe how heavy it's on my heart.. I wish I could tell her what's up.. but I don't know.. out of fear? out of pride? out of not wanting her to know what's going on for me... I'm avoiding her, not that I can actually avoid her, but that I stopped messaging her, I stopped trying to get whatever..
instead I'm clinging to my own self... hoping that this mindset, hoping that this feeling is temporary an that I can survive it all.. I've been through it so many times before, I know it's possible I just have to try.
I don't wish for anything to be different I think it is whatever it is.. and I think that all my purpose, all my dreams, all my shit is up to me... it's not dependant on anyone making or coming forward. it's on my own will to survive... and sadly we all have that will to survive whatever comes up.. for whatever reason we're afraid of the unknown.. I'd say that's my biggest hindrance is not knowing what will happen when it comes to an end.. but believing so strongly it will be better than what I'm living like now.
I think I want help... I want help getting a clearer mind, getting help for whatever addictions that I'm enduring.. I just want to somehow survive... but at the same time... I honestly believe this is a constant state of being... a constant place, a cycle of beast like behaviour that I'm not sure can be escaped.. what if it's like this forever a constant need or desire to just "watch the world crash and burn" watch my life go up in flames? Maybe I'm the only one who sees these things and I just don't see a reason to keep moving forward that every time I move forward I always come back to this place.
I miss her. I miss me.. I miss us.. I miss my happiness... I miss what it felt like to actually have a purpose, have a goal! I miss wanting to change the world!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

she has me thinking

So I've been contemplating this life or future or whatever... I hate when I hear that my potential is being wasted but it's absolutely true... apparently I'm a smart cookie... an I should get back into trying to go to school... but I don't know if I can do that... I mean I guess I'll try but I think I can guarantee it's slim to none chance, even if I get into school I would have to find funding..
I still think its easier to make the harder decision and just let everything go.. I don't know why i keep saying that my only explanation is that the "beast" has risen and its scratching at the surface and it's hard to supress how I feel and the feeling of lost... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know if I should be making changes in my life.. or if I should quit my job and go far away lol not that there is anywhere to go..
I honestly thought about writing my lady... but I've already tried and failed, crashed and burned... so I'm trying to be content with letting go of that whole thing, and to try and prevent her from finding anything out about me. I mean I'll always and forever love her! beyond all things and I'll always want to be there for her... but I think that she is living her life in whatever way she is and it's just time to let that be the situation? I was telling someone that she's given enough! she was there for me in ways no one ever was or is. she will always be a part of the beautiful story of my life, but I also think if she can go and live her life without worrying about me or talking to me why not?I think and maybe being selfish but think it's time to let that story end.. and new one begin or maybe not tell her..
I guess I just don't want her to worry.. I want her to believe everything is fine, and that I'm perfectly happy and content.

It's not like I'm cutting... I mean I've been able to be pretty distracted most of the time, and honestly its just I'm on the fence.. I really think that I've lived a long full life and that it's time to let go.. or just take me away.. I may not have been able to accomplish the 3 things.. but I know some people will do that for me..
I had a hard time hearing that I have this leadership skill, or this wise beyond my years, or something like my reason for existing hasn't revealed itself yet. I honestly just hope that I'm only here for someone else to survive.. like those movies where people give up their lives, give up their hearts, or give up something for someone to make it.. a piece to the puzzle, and to be able to die in that honor.

I'm acting crazy.. I know.. I'm tired..

Tonight I wanted to come home early enough to actually go to sleep! and I was driving and thought man I should pick up some water and some snacks, and cereal! I decided to go to grocery store, and as I was leaving.. this woman that i've seen in the similar circles, and through cultural events.. I seen her as i was leaving, and of course you'd think we'd just say "hi how are you" and have a good night. but her night just got heated up... her keychain broke as she was getting out of her vehicle and she had locked her keys in the vehicle, on top of which she didn't have a spare key, and she locked her phone in the car.. as she was just grabbing a couple items.
so of course.... "superman saviour mode" or a "respect my elders" to try and help. I offered to drive her here and there, I gave her my phone to use, and I did my best. and then I thought maybe someone at my moms house knew how to break into cars! and of course no they didn't but their men they have to try!
so I picked them up... and within 15 to 20 mins... YAY my brother broke into his first vehicle! lol I think i spent and hour with her trying to figure out what to do... I told her to get a spare key... I have one and it's at home.
Anyway. it all worked out... but I thought about it... I'm not exactly sure how i know this woman, aside from being around at friendship centre, or at cultural events, but we don't actually know each other. and when I told her who my mom was she seemed surprised.. but when she found out who my uncle was, she knew who I was? IDK..
so my yeah I'll go home and be in bed on time! didn't work out and my brothers and I helped this woman break into her car! and thankfully she was on her way. I gave her a new key chain that i was using to lock my Naloxone to my bag. but I never used it, so figure this is the perfect opportunity for it to be put to good use. DONE deal
but right there... that was purpose... that was reason for existence.. and that's what I think I need. is there a light is there a future for me.. can I just be given some direction or idea of what it is that i'm meant to do because as much as I love my job I know there is more that I can be doing, and I just want to move forward...or not move at all...
what if this is it? what if there is nothing else other than this because in that sense... I don't want to keep going... I hate my life and the way things are, and how I'm always struggling and can't even afford to survive as a single person. it's driving me crazy! poor people on welfare have it easier than me! YUCK!
Im losing my mind... and I'm losing my sense of belonging? my sense of purpose?


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

reason for the beast

First off shout out to my favourite friends Jessica and Merv! Jessica celebrated her bday this past weekend, and I wish I had remembered but I was all fucked up. as for Merv even if I wanted to avoid it, he made sure I was part of their day. and he was happy about the shirts I bought him! lol
I guess tonight... I'll be honest the lingering thoughts from the last few days are in my mind and what I can do to make proper changes, or else give up all together.
It's honestly really hard to think about you know... because I don't want to be selfish, I remember what I felt when my uncle Anthony died, or when Robin Williams died. I couldn't help but think what could have been done, or what how did people close to them feel. because when it comes to death by suicide I honestly believe that it's just like slipping away. and no matter what someone somewhere is kicking themselves because they thought they could change the outcome, that they could have saved that person. but from my experience you can't actually save someone if they want to end, want the pain to stop there's no real stopping it, there could be delaying it, but if someone is determined it does happen.
I don't know much... I know that most of my scars and all my nights trying to jump off shit, were just me likely crying for help and not fully understanding what it has been why I would do those things. but for the first time.. and I hope that not many take offence to this idea.
but something struck me in a way that I'm not sure how I can describe it the way it was said to me. the realization that as a first nation person who has suffered the intergenerational trauma of my parents, and their parents and parents parents etx... this has been a cycle of abuse, pain, void and torment. addictions etc. but reality is... it only takes one... one person to change the cycle.. and for some odd reason they have chosen me.
Regardless the situation is this that we're living in a world that having to understand I heard somewhere it'll take about 100 years for this generation to be free of all the oppression or all this void that I feel. so it won't be in my time that I'll see the true and fulfillment of healing. I know that I'll try and yet I'll fail... and that apparently most of the culture will feel what I feel... the feeling of worthless, the feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that it doesn't get better than this. that this is it.. there's nothing better. nothing good... that this is a pay check to pay check ,and theres nothing to accomplish..
but even as I write this.. I remember that Jessica is a student, instead of letting oppression or detours stand in her way of learning, and wanting to give back to the community she keeps moving forward, and as far as I'm aware she doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't smoke. and in this country for this kind of first nation culture to rise above all those things that tear us down, she's able to stand strong and wise and beautiful. I know that I'm always inspired by her, same goes for Margo Kane who shares our culture and heritage through talking stick festival, and sharing her stories through performance.
everyone has their ways, and I think it's important to find the way for us all.. but I'm telling you now.. I think my way has come and passed.. I remember.. my ideas of my future.. I was all excited when I attended Justice Institute of BC (JIBC) it made me fully want to become a police officer, I wanted and yearned and dreamed that would be one day... Unfortunately because of the "beast" in my life, I caused more harm to myself and my mental stability that I believe it's impossible for me to become a police officer.. then I thought I wanted to be an advocate for First Nations, because I work with a lot of First Nation people in DTES, and I've seen how some people in different organizations treat our people, and I wanted to create something that would be beneficial to them.
of course then I realized I know very little about my own heritage, my own self and that I can't lead people if I don't know what that looks like, and then remembering about my own hypocrisy that even though people are saying my current addiction isn't a huge deal... it's a huge deal in my own belief of who I want to be, and I guess that's hard for me.
so now I feel like at whatever age I'm at now.can't the world just let me go? and let my life end and I'll come back as a something.. lol
what more is there really to give back to the world that hasn't already been given? I've given my blood, sweat and tears for many. I have tried and failed, and the hardest thing is I can't even say it. but I just I don't know if its the meds or if its awaken the beast that's making me feel what i feel.. but I hope for the best to move forward but i'm also on the fence and i'm also fully ready to let go. whether that be my own self or that be nature taking whatever action...

IDK i'm confused. and I just don't know what to do..

Monday, May 29, 2017

back to the beast

you know I honestly thought I was done with all the darkness.. I thought that i somehow have done well enough in my life that I'd be ok. it was november or december that I applied for a new counsellor dude believe me that was hard, because I had entrusted one person for so many years...and now she's gone.. school and all that jazz.
anyway I applied for counselling because I was scared of how I'd feel if the surgery ever came up... as I applied to get "Nerve Block Surgery" and I was on a 6 month waiting list... so anyway I applied and I was fast tracked, because honestly this very situation.. is that I was afraid of the memories and feelings that would arise in going back to 8 years ago from when I tried to end my life, and ended up with 35 stitches in my left arm..
anyway.. the day finally arrived.. and it was somewhat beautiful! my lady was here from out of town visiting, and IDK I guess I was just glad to finally get rid of the nerve pain in my arm. and it all worked out, my lady was there and she took care of me.. she listened to my BS. it honestly made me think why in the world is she my friend? what does she get out of being my friend? anyway I was taken care of by mere and christine. and I lived... I survived with a new scar that went from my forearm to after my elbow.. one day someone look up nerve block surgery on the ulner nerve and you'll see what king of scar I have.
anyway time eased on.. living... this surgery was on May 4 so over two weeks ago.. and here I am.. struggling... feeling overwhelmed and feeling like the world is coming crashing down on me, and worse off.. that beast! that darkness, that black hole inside my soul started to rupture.. started to overflow into my life...and for the first time in a long time I thought about committing suicide, not only that but I remembered all my entries from what my plan was for after my death and how I wanted my body to be cremated, or how i wanted all my possessions destroyed and honestly the only thing that would be left of me was my two pets.
then of course having to think about how would I die? then I remembered that... for the 1st time at my age, I'm dealing with a strange situation where my heart may give out.... my heart is working too hard for the blood in me.. and who knows how long this has been going on, but one day my heart will give out and that will be the end of me. not that I can make the end of my day sooner, but I guess this is the slow death that I'll be facing. unless they find a way to fix me, but I don't want to be fixed.
in counselling we talked about the beast.. we talked about how alone I feel,and how much I miss my lady, and how I don't want to burden others the way I did with her. we talked about how my culture is a huge part of the pain that I feel, and the effects of colonization and how it played a huge part on my life, and the choices I've made, and the person I've become!
in the end it doesn't change that I want my life to end.... and that I welcome the idea because I feel like I've contributed enough of my life to others, I've given every piece of my heart away! like that story as it comes to mind.. two men walk into a room... one with a beautiful shaped, an shiny heart and the other with a broken, taped and not so nice looking heart, and some of the pieces of his heart were deformed, and wouldn't fit. and when the perfect heart guy asked why is your heart that way, he then replied... I've given a piece of my heart to people I meet, and sometimes they give me a piece of theirs which is to account for not fitting, or pieces that are missing where he loved someone and wasn't loved back.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel like my heart is done... I've given my heart and soul into everything I do, I have been a good influence as best as I can, and according to my brothers and sisters I've been a good role model.. I didn't get to do the 3 things I want to do to accomplish my life.. but I lived...
I have hundreds of people living in the world that can say they were touched by my life... and what more does the world need from me? because I'm sad.. I'm hurt
I'm disappointed in myself for my addiction, as that's what brought this all on! is that I was withdrawing last 24 hours and have to make a decision about what I want with my life... and how i want to stop being a hypocrite by telling others to quit being addicted and as much as I hid it.. I am and addict and I am hurting and I want that to stop.. so I'm making that change soon. but I'll tell you I don't ever want to feel that withdrawal again! because I felt as thought I was dying!

Im trying to figure out what I want from my life, and what more there needs to be from me... because I am ready to let go! I'm ready to say goodbye to this miserable life.. and find my next journey... I honestly hope that I keep moving forward, but I expect the hard ships to continue and my strength is fading, and the loneliness has taken hold of my soul.. I'm not sure how to survive.
hopefully another 24 hours.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Keep Moving Forward

I can't describe everything that has happened or how I've made it this far.. I've been imagining and seeing things that might not actually be there.. and on top of it all! i'm changing my entire life around and making some changes.. which makes me sad.. because I love what I have now, but I also know my limits..
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things  I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece  lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!
Anyway...

I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!

Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.

so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!

DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward! 

Monday, January 23, 2017

hardest days of my life

I can't even describe the last week of my life..besides horrible... I have been harassed and stalked by my ex.... and no matter how many times the cops tell her to stay away she won't..
an if that wasn't enough, she also started telling people some slander about me, lies about me to the point that I had to get tested just to make sure it wasn't true.
and if that isn't enough... she has done nothing but message me telling me how horrible I am as a person, and human being.
The psychological abuse, and the constant edgy feeling I've had about her showing up at my home, my work, or anywhere I might be.. has been ridiculous I can't even deal with that.
You know this was the person I felt something for, I felt love.. and my counsellor stated it's true I could love someone, but not be with them. I loved her and wanted her to change and not be who she is, or has been. I tried to tell people she was trying and in some sense maybe she tried...but she didn't trust me, or my friends... these are long lasting friendships I've had for over 5 yrs with each person, there has never been a thought in my mind that I'd want it to be more then that. I never thought of cheating on someone I've been with, and/or emotionally hurting someone the way she has hurt me.
It's been I guess a week since this all ended,and then she came back like a force of nature, continuing to belittle, and try and hurt my feelings.. and as much as I tried to say no it didn't hurt... I feel it, I hear it. and I am hurt.
I can't believe this has been happening to me.. and worse off feeling completely alone! people always to be there for me.. people want to tell me this is easy and I can make it through this...but it' hurts, and worse off is that I had to confess this to my boss... who hasn't said anything to me... but I could only imagine the things people are thinking about  me! my honest response wants to trash her, and hurt her the way she is hurting me, or something terrible.... but I know it'll get me no where, and that's not who I am... so I just sit here, absorbing all that she says and hope that it doesn't affected me...
I've had a rough week... but I must say.. at the end of it all... I feel ready for it to be done and over with! I don't care what anyone thinks of me..not anymore... and I've learned my lesson not to let someone in my life without fully knowing them..
Apart from that insane bulshi*

Things are changing... whatever reason that they are! and I don't know what to feel about all of that! I guess I'm hurting and I guess it's been difficult to live each day, and not only that... I allowed my addiction to come back in my life and that's hard to let go of... no matter what I say or do! that feeling is erupting within me and i can't hold it back, only one person knows the truth of it all! but I feel like I'm losing it! I can't figure this out right now.. .and can only hope that people will be there for me.
Or that I learn to call out for help... IDK.. Just hard days, and it's not getting easier

Monday, January 16, 2017

Fly me to the moon

I don't know how things can go so wrong so quickly? everything is always been weird and awkward. but then at moments... nothing could be more greater, the amazing feeling of sleeping in her arms, or kissing her lips.. The complete admiration she has for me there isn't anything greater than that.
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..

"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"

i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

the unknown

So here I am again with a dilemma.. I'm in weird position and this is what I need to question because honestly..maybe I don't.. But that's why I'm writing.. from all this crap the media, the world has put on my life about love, and relationships.. I feel like maybe I should be letting go of this one girl! this one girl who for some odd reason, makes me feel more alive,more loved, and more worth it.. but at the same time, she scares me, in the sense that her insecurity makes it hard to live my own life, or her neediness or not understanding that.. yes we can be together, but we should also be able to be apart.. closeness/separation.
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!

and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...

I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give  me my solid ground...

Leela James "fall for you"

Friday, January 6, 2017

Universe or stalker?

So my last post about everything... as soon as i hit publish she came to my house... It was very awkward and weird.. and of course I was all vulnerable and apologetic for all that she is currently going through.. And as much as I want to be there for her.. I think I'm losing my own mind..

I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.

I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?

I just hope whatever it is  i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!

"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Letting Her Go

I can't describe enough of what's going through my psychotic mind with everything that I've gone through last year, or all my years!
For the past 5 months I had someone in my life that I cherished, and it's always through loss that you realize these things... I was with someone who valued me, loved me, and adored me.. I had someone who would drop everything and be there for me! and you know what i did? I sabotaged it.. not only that, I lied about everything.
its been a week.. and my heart is being torn to pieces, on one side I want to race over to her house and beg her to come back into my life, and tell her the truth! everything was a lie, everything I said was a lie.. I was afraid.. I was worried and I was exhausted.. I was tired of all the fighting, the insecurities, and all the lies, and thinking I'm lying and cheating blah blah blah...
With what she's going through now... I'm devastated at what she's going through and on top of that she has to believe the lies I told her. and I'm trying so hard to stay away, trying so hard to let her live her life, and to not get in the way..
It hurts so much I had to tell someone how painful this has all been, and that the only mending would be with her, she is the only one who can make me feel better... and yet I can't let that happen.. I have to stay away, and with my broken heart and soul.. I have to fight every and all urges to write her, email her, text her, call her, snapchat, Facebook message, even mail her a letter. So here I am.. at a loss
So i figured.. why not.. write it to the universe as it'll never get in her hands, and she'll never even know..
My Love, i wish I could rewind time to take away all the tears that I caused, all the hurt that I caused, and to just wrap you in my arms and remind you that your loved, and cherished.  That every day we have been apart, all's i've thought about was you, and all's I want is you. My heart is aching for you, and I wish that I could tell you this.. I wish I could tell you how much I messed up, how afraid I was by your actions that day, and that I was shut down, I was closed off to the world and I just wanted to be alone, I needed to write, I needed to rest, I needed to mend! and instead I lashed out and sadly you were here, and you did everything beautifully.. I have never felt so loved an adored, and now that your gone, my heart and soul feel empty. I'm sorry for what your going through right now, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, or with you. I think of you everyday and I can't imagine what your feeling, but from me and my heart (cold or not) I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I cherish you.. and I miss you! and I hope that one day we will find our way back together again! 

However... I know... that I'm busted...(broken) and i need to figure some things out, and of course one thing I noticed is that you also need to figure things out.. I just wish we could do all that together, that you could know that in every part of you I am there ready for you, I'm always going to be here for you, you could show up tomorrow and my heart would leap for joy, and I might even cry because it would mean the universe sees beyond our turmoil and sees that I could be happy with you, I have been happy with you! I love you for loving me in my darkness, and staying by my side through everything,and I hope that through this dark time in your life, you know that I'm sending you all my love and strength to carry you through these days! 

I love you!, even if we never find our way back together I will never forget you!

Believe me.. I know I'm insane... I know that I'm not normal people... everything i've ever read about myself has proven to me one thing is I'm different. but I'm trying.. I'm trying to work out some things for myself and I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, I just wish they weren't so judgmental about  my situation, and yet at the same time if I wasn't completely honest with any of them i wouldn't be in this situation, but I also had to make sure someone was watching out for me, because this is the one thing about me.. is that I'll give up my jacket, my shoes, my hat, my life for anyone, I think I try to be there for anyone more than my own self.. an so the friends I have in my life are people who have to constantly remind me that I need to take care of myself.
And lets not forget that my current role models of amazing love is Joker and Harley Quinn hahaha! I know but apart from them would be Lois Lane and Clark Kent

I know I must keep Moving Forward and hope for the best