Monday, February 13, 2017

Keep Moving Forward

I can't describe everything that has happened or how I've made it this far.. I've been imagining and seeing things that might not actually be there.. and on top of it all! i'm changing my entire life around and making some changes.. which makes me sad.. because I love what I have now, but I also know my limits..
Awhile ago...early January one of my most revered friends called me.. and she was telling that she has a message for me, from God.. that she dreamt it.. and man alive! when she tells me these things, it stirs something in my soul, because I know how much God loves her. Anyway the reality of it all, is that God is calling me back! now calling me back? from what? I've fallen from his grace, from under his umbrella.. carrying my own baggage of guilt and shame for what I've been through since coming back. or for other things too? IDK... or is it calling me back to Ontario? I love the idea of moving back to Ontario especially because my most amazing friend is moving from here to there, and I love her beyond anything!
Why do I love her? because she has been the one person in the last eight years who has let me scold her, push her away, kick her while she's down, lol not literally! and each time I fell, each time I cut, each time I ended up in the hospital for something stupid like trying to end my life, she would show up, and say "I'm here for you" and even though I was ashamed of the things  I had done to myself, or the messages I left on her phone, she never judged me, ridiculed me, or hated me. she has always been full of love for me.. and for that I want to be there for her, and although maybe God isn't calling me back to Ontario! I would be completely ok if he did.. I'm sorry to say that out loud...
But since living in the city.. yes I've done well but how long did it take for me to get here? how many suicide attempts, how many hospital admissions, how many failures to my family and friends. it took everything in me to get to where I am.. an part of that is yes my lady! but it's her belief in me in that helped me find faith in myself!
anyway Ontario was always my beautiful light, it was always the most powerful experience I ever had in my life! to be surrounded by the beauty, be surrounded by amazing friends! I miss it so much, and yes I'm here in the city for my family! but I rarely see them, we never have time for one another and that's hard for me.. because I still only see them around family holidays or certain birthdays, but instead of holding together, we've grown apart! I rarely speak to any of them, and I'm not really there..
Now for this part... while.. someone.. says it's a choice to continue to grieve for any loss.. but if someone knew how much my uncle meant to me, and to my family, maybe there would be some understanding? Maybe not? maybe it is a choice!
But to have enter that home.. for every christmas, thanksgiving, new years, easter, or whatever holiday it's not the same! each time in the back of my mind, along with everyone else in the house, we are expecting Uncle Dave to walk into the house and say hello jessica, or hello messy haired niece  lol.. something.. and every holiday felt whole, felt real, felt beautiful with him there.. even birthdays. when I used to celebrate my birthday, to be hugged by him, and to hear him say I love you niece, those meant all the world to me.. and I feel like I took it for granted because now I'm stuck with nothing, but a broken family! and maybe we'll be ok, maybe we'll survive as we have for nearly three years, but it hurts! IT FUCKING HURTS! i can't look at another holiday, another pie, another tortilla, or even soup... at my moms without tears coming to my eyes, because it's like my heart was ripped out of my chest, and someone up there is laughing at my suffering! because I still grieve for his loss, I still feel his spirit, presence with me! and I wish! I wish I could hear him again.. feel him again! I want him to know! i am trying not to let him down! and that I'm sorry I haven't driven people to the Rez but if he would've seen what I went through, I'd hope he'd understand that!

I can't celebrate birthdays.. I can't celebrate holidays.. nothing will feel the same, and right now the only reason I do this is because it pleases my family, my mom loves it when I show up for these events.. but it hurts me.. and I still put on that fake smile and continue on!

Will the pain ever stop! yes I believe it will! because it's been 22 yrs since I lost my father, I still remember him each time I eat ice cream, each time I drive by Stanley Park, or each time I see a father with his daughter.. I know that he loved me.. and it doesn't hurt anymore! i Just wish I could remember him a bit more it's been so long.

so for now! let me grieve.. let me feel.. let me mend with what I am going through! let me live and keep living even if it's only grain of salt at a time! I still need to heal, and I still need to grieve!

DON"T make me celebrate a specific birthday! just let the day pass as normal as if it's nothing special! although I am still happy i know exact time and place of my birth.. that made me very happy <3 nbsp="" p="">
Keep Moving Forward! 

Monday, January 23, 2017

hardest days of my life

I can't even describe the last week of my life..besides horrible... I have been harassed and stalked by my ex.... and no matter how many times the cops tell her to stay away she won't..
an if that wasn't enough, she also started telling people some slander about me, lies about me to the point that I had to get tested just to make sure it wasn't true.
and if that isn't enough... she has done nothing but message me telling me how horrible I am as a person, and human being.
The psychological abuse, and the constant edgy feeling I've had about her showing up at my home, my work, or anywhere I might be.. has been ridiculous I can't even deal with that.
You know this was the person I felt something for, I felt love.. and my counsellor stated it's true I could love someone, but not be with them. I loved her and wanted her to change and not be who she is, or has been. I tried to tell people she was trying and in some sense maybe she tried...but she didn't trust me, or my friends... these are long lasting friendships I've had for over 5 yrs with each person, there has never been a thought in my mind that I'd want it to be more then that. I never thought of cheating on someone I've been with, and/or emotionally hurting someone the way she has hurt me.
It's been I guess a week since this all ended,and then she came back like a force of nature, continuing to belittle, and try and hurt my feelings.. and as much as I tried to say no it didn't hurt... I feel it, I hear it. and I am hurt.
I can't believe this has been happening to me.. and worse off feeling completely alone! people always to be there for me.. people want to tell me this is easy and I can make it through this...but it' hurts, and worse off is that I had to confess this to my boss... who hasn't said anything to me... but I could only imagine the things people are thinking about  me! my honest response wants to trash her, and hurt her the way she is hurting me, or something terrible.... but I know it'll get me no where, and that's not who I am... so I just sit here, absorbing all that she says and hope that it doesn't affected me...
I've had a rough week... but I must say.. at the end of it all... I feel ready for it to be done and over with! I don't care what anyone thinks of me..not anymore... and I've learned my lesson not to let someone in my life without fully knowing them..
Apart from that insane bulshi*

Things are changing... whatever reason that they are! and I don't know what to feel about all of that! I guess I'm hurting and I guess it's been difficult to live each day, and not only that... I allowed my addiction to come back in my life and that's hard to let go of... no matter what I say or do! that feeling is erupting within me and i can't hold it back, only one person knows the truth of it all! but I feel like I'm losing it! I can't figure this out right now.. .and can only hope that people will be there for me.
Or that I learn to call out for help... IDK.. Just hard days, and it's not getting easier

Monday, January 16, 2017

Fly me to the moon

I don't know how things can go so wrong so quickly? everything is always been weird and awkward. but then at moments... nothing could be more greater, the amazing feeling of sleeping in her arms, or kissing her lips.. The complete admiration she has for me there isn't anything greater than that.
Today... I am completely all confused as always... and although I talked about all my problems and all the crazy things we've been through, someone asked me...what was it that drew me into this relationship what was it that made me think there was something more then what I was! And as soon as I started talking about it, all these flashes came in my mind of when we met, and I don't know what it was that made me pursue her... but she made me feel alive?
An the time that passed.. she is different then anyone Ive ever dated... she is not the same, and I think i liked that a lot, because all the women or people I've been with have been a type.. not that I know much of that, but that the way she made me feel, and the way she was with me.. I can't help but think it could've been better...
I know it can't be better... the amount of times that have troubled the both of us.. I wish I could say wasn't just me, but it is both of us.. two toxic broken people trying to fit together to make something great, beautiful or perfect.. .the impossible task that will never happen.. no matter how hard we try, no matter how hard I try.. it fails,and falls short, and I only cause more pain! yes I said that right.. She continuously told me that I was only hurting her, and me..being me... on the defensive, while she lashes out at me, trying to hurt me, bringing up scenerios that have been difficult for each of us, and then blaming everything on me... as if that's what we needed during this time!
I'm trying to stick to the positive of it all, but reality is that I need to walk away, I need to be free from all the things that make my life more difficult. I just wanted someone to share my life, someone to enjoy being in my life, someone who I could adore and love... someone that I didn't have to constantly reaffirm that I'm not cheating, lying or having my friends as my girlfriends.. Most of the amazing people i Have in my life have been there for years on years! I doubt I'd ever want to screw that up but getting with any of them.. of course except for one, but that''ll never happen because she's a straight woman! and I try my best to remember that... lol
Regardless with loving someone... Having "having an intense feeling of deep affection" I was told today that I do love her... I love her in the sense like Sinatra said "she's all I worship and adore" Yes I know lame! But I think if I can give up women that I love for the greater good of themselves.. then maybe i can let this go!
Maybe I recognize not only am I broken and flawed, but so is she.. and although she wants me there, she sometimes needs me there.. she is also belittling me and making me feel worthless, and selfish. all feelings that hurt, and all are not true! I know that I have done nothing to deserve that, just as much as she has not deserved to me hurt by me.. she deserves a beautiful love whatever that means, but I know it's not with me! and I will always love and cherish her, an the good times we spent together, but I also recognize there's more to our stories, this is just a chapter!
I wish I didn't hurt her, I wish that I could've left without that! but I know there's no way to move on without her being emotionally hurt by me, its the only way she'll walk away.. I know that's lame.. but no matter what I've done she's never walked out of my life unless she's hurt.. and I feel terrible for that, but it'll be something i have to live with...
you know it's even funnier because she has been a woman! that I thought I could promise things too, i thought that this could work.. I wanted it too.. but I recognize now that I have some issues, and she has some serious insecurities that she needs to work on..

"I will always love and adore you, but i know what's best for us! this is what I've been saying for awhile, that we aren't ready for this, we aren't ready for this kind of change, this kind of relationship and you definitely deserve everything! and I'm sorry that I can't give that to you! I can only hope for love for either of us! and to keep moving forward!"

i have to stand my ground!stay strong! an not open the door,and not let her back in my life! I don't know if that's possible but it's all I've got! Its the only way through all of this! it's the only way she can be happy! she just doesn't see that right now

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

the unknown

So here I am again with a dilemma.. I'm in weird position and this is what I need to question because honestly..maybe I don't.. But that's why I'm writing.. from all this crap the media, the world has put on my life about love, and relationships.. I feel like maybe I should be letting go of this one girl! this one girl who for some odd reason, makes me feel more alive,more loved, and more worth it.. but at the same time, she scares me, in the sense that her insecurity makes it hard to live my own life, or her neediness or not understanding that.. yes we can be together, but we should also be able to be apart.. closeness/separation.
the world tells me that if I loved her in a wholeheartedly way then I wouldn't question what's happening right now... but realistically we don't live in a movie, and by the sounds of all the stories I've read, it sounds like love is never perfect and easy, its something that has to be worked on, or through.
so if that's the case does that mean I have to work through this?
I' don't know.. I try to imagine the future and I can't I don't even want to survive another week, it's been a difficult time, and I guess in some sense deep down I needed her... I needed someone to care? I needed someone to support me during this time.. and yet.. it wasn't her it was someone else!. an in a hilarious sense I said she should marry me.. lol if I'm not going to have children.. then I should at least get married once, doesn't have to be forever..but just to say I did it.. which I know is the worst reason to get married, but IDK..
I'm thinking a lot of different things, and it's driving me crazy! because on one hand.. my friends and family dislike this girl I love, because of everything we've been through in the last 5 or 6 months.. and even though I try to walk away, and maybe not in a good enough way, because I always break down, I always miss her, an i bring her back into my life..
The other issue I have is.. I just don't feel like I can do this?? I feel like if I do, this will be forever.. it won't be just for fun, it won't be anything... but forever.. an that scares me.. I mean I met a girl a few years ago, who was all good with not being fully committed to one person, and I liked her for that, because we didn't have to think about forever, we didn't have to think of living together, or getting married having kids etx.. and so I like that idea..
But this girl.. if i do this.. it'll be forever. an so far no one in my life likes her, because she has really screwed herself over with them, and if she was honest with the people in her life, they would see that we definitely are toxic and should not be together.
and even though I said I was done once again... I feel what i feel and want what I want, and i can't get myself out of that! I don't know how! it feels impossible :( and that's sad! because as much as she says I have all this control! I feel like I don't and that also scares me.. for someone who's me and all this damn control.. i feel very lost right about now!

and I can't talk to anyone about this because everyone has already made their mind up about us, and so here I am writing, because it's supposed to clear my head!
and even someone I've been talking too about all this, she said I should write, she says if that's what i know to be my truth, and my solid ground, she said do it! maybe it'll clear my mind!
because I know!! beyond the shadow of doubt, that i need to walk away from all of this, but when I do! there's something that happens to me, and I can't recover from it! I try my best to turn off my humanity, turn off my emotion because it's the only way to break free, but then I feel! just one song, one movement, one word, whatever it is.. and all my feelings come back, and i get vulnerable and sad and I miss her.. and by that time she still hasn't given up. she's likely called me a dozen times, or texted me about that, and probably showed up at my house.. so when I'm ready.. for this to end.. I'll have to likely move away, run away? idk...

I need clarity I need to make a decision, and according to someone, I need to do that here.. while writing it, as it'll be the only way to break free.. and hopefully give  me my solid ground...

Leela James "fall for you"

Friday, January 6, 2017

Universe or stalker?

So my last post about everything... as soon as i hit publish she came to my house... It was very awkward and weird.. and of course I was all vulnerable and apologetic for all that she is currently going through.. And as much as I want to be there for her.. I think I'm losing my own mind..

I wish I could say its entirely work related..but it's family, it's friends it everything piling up, and of course not to forget financial issues.. oh and on top of that I'm having to move in about two months. so everything is becoming insane and I'm not sure what I'm going to do.. I just need to focus on what's happening and how terrible everything is... I totally emptied out my savings account, the one that i was saving to fly to Germany.. it's all gone,and I put it all in my credit line and then of course spent it all. so I absolutely have nothing..
Every time I leave my house I'm taking a chance at having nothing to eat, or drink. so I stay home.. and even when I get paid... my money is spent on bills.. but I feel like I need to make change and make a solid decision to be like not going out, not doing this that or the other thing... I eat out a lot, I go out a lot, I pretend I'm rich.. and I'm not.. I wish and hope I can win the lottery... just put all this money issue away.. and focus on the present.. but yeah.. I hear the giggle.. even if it's not money issue, it'd be something else.
I'm feeling overwhelmed and not moving forward..and with that I begin to feel depressed and scared of how I feel. and I feel like things aren't happening fast enough, and my friends and family hear and see nothing.. and that scares me.. to be completely ashamed to say.. you know what I could use this or that today, or I could use a phone a text or coffee or something.. some sort of acknowledgement that even if I'm not having a horrible time like now.. that someone is there thinking of me.. cause at this moment the only person thinking of me... is someone I can't have because we're toxic people... it's like we bring out the worst in one another.

I don't even know what to think of all that.. why think that way? what is it that makes it that way? is it something I do? or the people I attract? even some of my friends are crazy. lol.. but Idk.. I'm in a confusing spot right now and it scares me, because it's continue to the unknown. I need to get something, I need to focus..
My new counsellor... has been interesting and it's been the hardest days ever admitting that I'm back to counselling but it has to help>.. hopefully.
anyway my counsellor was all like... with everything I had going on... she's like... used an analogy about two best friend dogs.. who've been together for such a while, and then you take one dog away and the other dog waits at the door waiting for its friend to come back. basically it takes time to heal, and it takes time to process what I'm going through. and I don't know how to process what I've been through, an why i still feel what I feel for her..
All's I want to say is crazy shi** which i can't because that would mean that I'm caving into whatever I'm feeling and I'm scared to do that... because I don't know.. my friends and family have made up their minds about my relationship with her, because of everything that's happened..and I think with time apart maybe we can change? maybe we can grow?

I just hope whatever it is  i need to do.. I hope I work through it soon.. because right now.. I just want to be like get over here, because I need to not be alone, and I just want to be in her arms, listening to her...tell me what she always does... that's insane.. and IDK!

"till the end of time" Timothy Bloom
Always and forever loved

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Letting Her Go

I can't describe enough of what's going through my psychotic mind with everything that I've gone through last year, or all my years!
For the past 5 months I had someone in my life that I cherished, and it's always through loss that you realize these things... I was with someone who valued me, loved me, and adored me.. I had someone who would drop everything and be there for me! and you know what i did? I sabotaged it.. not only that, I lied about everything.
its been a week.. and my heart is being torn to pieces, on one side I want to race over to her house and beg her to come back into my life, and tell her the truth! everything was a lie, everything I said was a lie.. I was afraid.. I was worried and I was exhausted.. I was tired of all the fighting, the insecurities, and all the lies, and thinking I'm lying and cheating blah blah blah...
With what she's going through now... I'm devastated at what she's going through and on top of that she has to believe the lies I told her. and I'm trying so hard to stay away, trying so hard to let her live her life, and to not get in the way..
It hurts so much I had to tell someone how painful this has all been, and that the only mending would be with her, she is the only one who can make me feel better... and yet I can't let that happen.. I have to stay away, and with my broken heart and soul.. I have to fight every and all urges to write her, email her, text her, call her, snapchat, Facebook message, even mail her a letter. So here I am.. at a loss
So i figured.. why not.. write it to the universe as it'll never get in her hands, and she'll never even know..
My Love, i wish I could rewind time to take away all the tears that I caused, all the hurt that I caused, and to just wrap you in my arms and remind you that your loved, and cherished.  That every day we have been apart, all's i've thought about was you, and all's I want is you. My heart is aching for you, and I wish that I could tell you this.. I wish I could tell you how much I messed up, how afraid I was by your actions that day, and that I was shut down, I was closed off to the world and I just wanted to be alone, I needed to write, I needed to rest, I needed to mend! and instead I lashed out and sadly you were here, and you did everything beautifully.. I have never felt so loved an adored, and now that your gone, my heart and soul feel empty. I'm sorry for what your going through right now, I'm sorry that I can't be there for you, or with you. I think of you everyday and I can't imagine what your feeling, but from me and my heart (cold or not) I want you to know that I love you, and I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I cherish you.. and I miss you! and I hope that one day we will find our way back together again! 

However... I know... that I'm busted...(broken) and i need to figure some things out, and of course one thing I noticed is that you also need to figure things out.. I just wish we could do all that together, that you could know that in every part of you I am there ready for you, I'm always going to be here for you, you could show up tomorrow and my heart would leap for joy, and I might even cry because it would mean the universe sees beyond our turmoil and sees that I could be happy with you, I have been happy with you! I love you for loving me in my darkness, and staying by my side through everything,and I hope that through this dark time in your life, you know that I'm sending you all my love and strength to carry you through these days! 

I love you!, even if we never find our way back together I will never forget you!

Believe me.. I know I'm insane... I know that I'm not normal people... everything i've ever read about myself has proven to me one thing is I'm different. but I'm trying.. I'm trying to work out some things for myself and I'm grateful for the people I have in my life, I just wish they weren't so judgmental about  my situation, and yet at the same time if I wasn't completely honest with any of them i wouldn't be in this situation, but I also had to make sure someone was watching out for me, because this is the one thing about me.. is that I'll give up my jacket, my shoes, my hat, my life for anyone, I think I try to be there for anyone more than my own self.. an so the friends I have in my life are people who have to constantly remind me that I need to take care of myself.
And lets not forget that my current role models of amazing love is Joker and Harley Quinn hahaha! I know but apart from them would be Lois Lane and Clark Kent

I know I must keep Moving Forward and hope for the best