truly remain yours

I'm consistently struggling..an I dont know if that's normal... I mean... realistically is love meant to be easy to get into an out of. Or is meant to push the boundaries. To push your need for comfortable zones. Push your vulnerabilities. So that you begin to trust the person you say you love.

It's not meant to be an easy decision..

I'll forever been imprinted...by the love that I never had. Because I believe that I had found that love. Maybe I didn't. But maybe I did. What my life would have looked like if my morals weren't about family protecting them etc.

But because I am the protector... I left that love. An that history back in Ontario. 

My time in BC.. I'd like to say I jumped in an out of relationships. But I'm not the type. So I went into some sort term..long term places...only once since being here did I truly believe in thst love.. 

And even then, as the world falls to pieces... as the love becomes harder to hold onto 

I found something

A love deeper than i could express  an to have captivate that love

Regardless the reason its important 

I'm too exhausted 

So I'm asking all these things cause....we aren't able to do the next steps

We have changes we have to make.. but how long. When..  how do we know what that love is an how do make the changes to the steps...with having no freaking Idea when. Where how. When....what

There's so many ideas... an idk. I want the next steps but I'm also not sure,

trying times

I find myself realizing how much I've sacrificed. An how difficult that is. I don't know how to make necessary changes so that I can feel content with myself an my life. 

I'm losing my feeling for anything. My need an desire for connection seems to be lost. An I'm realizing I don't know anything anymore.   

Once again I had everything figured out or planned an now... I dont know anything that is real or normal idk how to bring us out of this darkness. 

I dont know if it's worth moving forward. I don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I spent so much time.. I loved my life so much that now I'm realizing. What am I living for. 

I feel like I'm failing... I'm failing at living my best life. I'm sure at the end of the year that's how we all feel. Especially because I didn't really make any goals. Except to do more. Lol be more than I was from this last year.

An I haven't. 

The car crashes. The work. The kid. The relationship all held me up.  An it feel like idk if my relationship is meaningful enough to make us want to move forward or be more. I don't wanna stay the same way. I want to try new things. Be somewhere other than here. An there's so much riding on us not doing that. An that's hard to work with...because we never get time. We never get to be with one another long enough to make solid plans that actually work out. If I ask for these plans I always get the shit end. An maybe that's on purpose maybe that's an accident or maybe that's just my luck. I'm not sure what to think of it.

Just like before Christmas...my partner had said she basically wasn't gonna see me. An I was hurt but it's like the wedge pulling us further apart. So I thought fine. But then she showed up an not only that stayed with me. An I felt like am I expected to perform? To please her. To make her time with me more valuable? I ask what do you wanna do an its always met with silence. I try think of things but I don't have that much money so I can't really give her the world. An so we end up at home. In this messy disgusting house because that's how my kid an my brother have lived.  An it feels nearly impossible to try break their habits. But I have to come up with something because more an more I'm unhappy. I dont come home to my nice clean house. I come home to a disaster easily prevented if my idiot brother would get off his ass. Or if I get rid of like 6 boxes of toys. So much going on in my head.. an for what feels like the first time I dont have anyone I can call. See or talk too. 

It's been a long time since I felt alone... to this point. An I know that this feeling isn't new it's just more abruptly interference in my life. 

I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel. Alls I know is that I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. An in my hurt I'm reacting in ways that are old patterns. An in doing that. More shit becomes dangerous. 

Will it get better...will it evrr be more than this. Because right now I feel like it's not worth much. I'm not worth much an I dont know what to do. Or who to find myself. .

The trials I'm facing outweigh by too much that I don't know how to be successful in my daily life any longer. 

struggling year

This time of year is difficult for some.  It's my 2nd year I guess of not being a part of the family events.. last year I was able to create my own but it was a disaster. So this year I'm sending my kid off to spend Christmas with his grams. 

But it leaves me wondering what will I Do. Idk this year has been so uncertain so difficult an painful so hard to stay connected or want to be connected 

The once upon a time of thinking this was my forever life. The forever beauty of a future. Family. Life. An in one stupid moment I just too worries about putting myself out there..

I find I'm consistently questioning whether the world I live in is real. Because of all the brokenness an lack of being able to catch a break 

Places that meant the world to me that I wanted to share with my partner now just feel tainted. 

I am struggling to feel anything. That isn't a good thing. 

More an more the disconnect. The need to allegedly rely on faith.it isn't easy an I'm finding myself doubtful of anything ever making it. 

I want this future we talked about. I want it all to be real but in the back of my mind...there's a hint of doubt. There's been so much separation. 

I went thro our old texts.  Once upon a time. Allegedly just being in my presence was enough to make my partner feel most alive. Most loved. Most appreciated. 

An now. I don't see her. I barely talk to her. We aren't connecting the way we used too. An the communications are only in text messages. It just seems so difficult.

How does one bring back...life. love. Communication. Commitment back into our relationship rather than drifting apart. Altho I dont feel like I'm doing or living our best lives.

Most of the time... I just don't know who or whether we going to go the distance. I want to

I thought about our future so long. I made plans 

I'm struggling to stay awake. I'm exhausted

..the last week. Just so tired

So much 

one year

I guess we had faith this time would come. We had hopes an dreams. There's so much wrapped around this month. An for me. I hold so much value in honoring our time together but also recognize that we are in a different place. A year ago.   It was that she couldn't wait to be in my presence just to be present with me. Just to snuggle or be together. An now.  I've seen her but not seen her. 

An what I mean by that.  Is that. . There currently is so much struggle for her. And I know she knows the weight of it.  But she is carrying so much all on its own but it feels like... our relationship is no longer the centre. And in the year..the health for her has been unbelievable. 

More an more I spend my time not understanding what is going on and how I can support her. An today I had realized.   I actually wasn't as present with her as I had hoped to be. 

I barely tried to talk to her. An it wasn't out of not wanting to it just that it was a busy day at work. On top of that I had my own stuff come up...that I had to work thro I had to figure out. Idk 

But seeing us going into this anniversary... I want it to be great but I'm not sure it will an also. I had memories of the extent or length I've gone to in the past.  An it never matters. 

What I'd rather more than anything is just to be in her life.. or to have her want or need or anything to let me in. 

Memories are good an bad. Because yes we made it things long but reality also is the one year ago.   We tried to connect more. We spent more time talking. Spending time together while at work. An different things like that. .

I miss everything. I miss the fun. I miss the connectedness... an I worry with the time apart an distance she may go back to the same ideas as before in thinning maybe we aren't forever. 

I'm literally counting down the days. Searching for ways for us to connect

I'm exhausted but above all things... I miss her an wish she were here with me. Or let me in.  After repeatedly proving to her that there Is no one no way no how

I miss her.. I need her..I feel lost without her

painful truth

It's been a difficult week... financially. Mentally. Physically. There has been so much just in my life that has been overwhelming

Then on top of that chaos. My partner ended up in hospital.. I didn't get notified. But because of knowing the routine. I guess I knew to call in finding out where she was concerns me..

Because to me it's like I should have expected this or known in a better way what might have been going on for her. An I didn't. More ways that I'm not truly the one that deserves the truth 

Furthermore. My partner called me today.   And for what felt like the first time in a long ass time.  It seemed or I assumed or took what she said.  As she wants me to leave her. An if I do she's good.

Imagine that... 

Just day before that. We were talking about Christmas. Our anniversary. Our first dates. Our month. Our shit of stuff that mattered. .an the marriage. The forever. The everything an to be caught off guard..  I hurt.. I hurt in ways I've not felt in awhile. 

I had to swallow that pain. Because I had my kid with me. .

But deep inside. My heart is feeling ripped out. Shattered. 

I shouldn't care but I do. I care about her an who we are an what our love has conquered.

I am not willing to walk away. I'm not willing to give up. I love her more than anything. 

But damn that hurt. An I dont get why she had said that. An I tried to call her. But she didn't get it an when she tried to call me.   I was watching ufc. Not a good enough excuse. 

I dont get why... why is there this part of her that likes to push me like that.... 

Literally I asked her.  Day before.  I said we're good. She said 100%. If that were true she wouldn't have been saying this bs to me.

I cant sleep. I can't settle my mind. I can't get this insanity out of my head. I just want to hurt an feel hurt an re-hurt

I'm pretty messed up...right now.. I know this because I'm not in my mindset.... I'm in a bad head space. 

memories continued

I so got in my head an got distracted...so a year ago.. my life changed in a lot of ways. For the first time in so many years.. I finally was willing to let someone into my life. 

How we met was all the fun an chaos of my life and remembering her tell me that she only had eyes for me an i was not thinking of it. As well as when she asked If I was interested in anyone. I was clear as day said no.  

Truth be told I was always interested but I didn't think it was tangible. I didn't think it would work. Not only that I barely knew her.  But the more we talked. The more we connected. An the more we wanted 

Within this month..  we went from friends who talked everyday an night. To sleeping together. To being together official. An now realizing.   We've wanted this. Not just this. 

We want a future together. We want a love that withstands everything. A love that endures. As we both have struggled to open up. Struggled to let one another in..

When we got together. When we finally let ourselves be together.  We were inseparable. We were happy we were content. We were willing to go the extra mile. To be there. To love. To connect. To build on our trust an family. 

I dont think there is a love greater than this. I don't think there is life that can be more passionate than this. Don't get me wrong...we've had some bumps. We've had some serious moments where I've doubted. But I've also chosen. I've made up my mind in so many ways to stay connected with her. An let her be connected to me. 

I want to be her everything. I want our worlds to unite. I want our future to be so tangible. So reachable that by tomorrow it can happen. 

We both have stuff. I have so much. But at the same time so does she. An reality is even those closest to me do not know me in ways that she does. Because I haven't been willing to share myself with anyone.. and I just want to share it with her. I want to be happy. I want the family. I want the dog. I want the home. I want the train tracks to cross paths an become one because we are capable. We've been thro too much to imagine it ever not surviving.

What I would give up. What I'd live for. What I'd die for. What I'd choose each an everyday. 

How many love stories have this kind of passion. I know we will have difficult days. But alls I want.  Is to be by her side as she's been building a wall around her heart. An I want to be able to break down that wall an build it up with me on the inside. Lol because I'm trustworthy. I'm strong enough to hold onto her an be what she needs in her moments of good bad ugly. 

I want to celebrate our love. I want to be able to be happy the way she makes me happy an to show her that. 

This has been the most beautiful experience of my life. That I miss laying next to her. An hearing her tell me she loves me

I miss so much in our moments. I miss so much in our lives. I don't want it to continue to be this way. I want to give her everything she needs 

Was funny the other day. I had thought that on Dec 1. Was our first day of walking her home. An it was when she got discharged from hospital. An just being someone who was an is willing to be there. 

I wanna cry because I'm missing our moments. I'm missing our passion. An everything she has going on I know I'm missing it. She's missing it an I just want to be able to snap her out of it. But I can't. My hope. My faith. My belief is that she will find her way back to me.. 

memories

It's been such a crazy time... it's been more painful then good. Which really sucks because... it's the time of the year for some odd reason that I hold value... value enough to want to change my last name to reflect this season 

Memories have surfaced about a bunch of stuff not just with my partner. But also my kid. For those that don't know.... 

I absolutely consider to be my kids actual mom. But the reality is I'm not his birth mom. I'm his mom in all definition except for birth of him.  However we're related... 4 yrs ago... I made a call that jeopardized this kids future..  I admit I made the call. But in all the scenarios...who was actually looking out for the kids best interest. The father of my kid has a bad reputation for taking care of his son an thankfully has no rights to him whatsoever. So ya he isn't a good person. An I made a call when I found out my kid was with him.  Was a danger to his safety in my opinion 

It rolled into this gigantic snowball of events thst now four years later.. we celebrate that he has been with me. An approx two years ago he was permanently transferred to my custody. I have no issue with the life I have lived. 

But...

Memories... keep my grounded in acknowledge that I don't want to be the kids guardian forever. I will if I have to. But I want his parents to come back. I know the trauma it will take if his parents decide to continue to not be a part of his life. 

I understand they have their addictions or life struggles. But they can make effort. They can take steps if they want too. An until they are ready.. I have to be the consistent person in my kids life 

I have no regrets in the life I've lived. I value my kids life an would give up my own. Move mountains. Or take on anything the world tries to throw at him. This is normal psycho parent behavior. 

My partner stuff. Well to be honest. I thought we had an anniversary early in Dec as well but I likely am wrong...

But we are coming up on some important dates for us and altho life changes have happened for my partner... I've been here... I've been here being patient an hoping she would want to come be in my life. But she hasn't. An it concerns me. Because I know it means she may be struggling a lot more than she's leading on an there isn't anything I can do to be there for her unless she chooses to let me in.  

How do we keep our love alive. How do we find faith in these difficult times. How do we believe in the love that lights up our lives but then gets dim in the dark days. 

I know that stuff....life is difficult. It's as though her life just crumbled into nothing but instead of clinging to the light of her world she's shuddered. She's hiding. It is hard to know what to do. It is hard to know where to go from here. 

I am worried. I'm concerned. An yet... I have to be ok.. I have to be strong. I have to remain strong. 

I'm not ok. I'm struggling an I'm worried an I want to accuse my friends. Of stuff that they likely don't have to worry. But I'm worried. An I'm losing my mind. An I dont know what to think. 

I hate that I let myself fall to this shit. To know those that I care for would do this to me. 

Please tell me that this isn't real. My thoughts are destructive. An they are going to tear my walls down. Tear me down. 

And I have no one I can call. No one I can turn too. An idk what the heck to do.