Saturday, December 19, 2015

I Love and Adore her

it's all in my head.. They continuously tell me! this is all in my head! My life being and feeling this good is all in my head! for the first time in my life! I'm not calling my friend and telling her I'm dying, for the first time I'm not CUTTING! I'm not thinking of dying!
For the first time! I feel like I can love someone, and be loved back! and yet it's all in my head! I've never felt so confident and so certain of how I feel, how she feels! And yet I keep being told... she's gonna hurt me! and even if she does... can't you just let me enjoy this? Enjoy being wanted, needed and adored? Maybe I'll find out the truth tomorrow... Maybe things will be straightened out... But maybe they won't? you never know maybe I'll be loved! Maybe I'll be cared for! Maybe I'll fall head over heels for this amazing woman?

It's been a VERY long time since my life has felt this! Since I've been able to wake up and be happy, wake up and feel happy to be alive, to be connected to my family and friends... I may have let people go... possibly because they carry that darkness that I once had with them.. and judge me for that! But other than that! to be able to have friends who believe in my greatness! Believe in me being amazing and shining like the sun!

I'm working full time! It took four and half years to become management... and so far it's a trial and error but overall I'm doing amazing! and I am proud of myself... pushing myself and learning to succeed!
I'm getting out there! I'm connecting with other people! everyone always told me that I'm a hermit, that I'm anti-social! and here I am making friends, connections left right and centre! I'm the boss! an as a boss, i'm reaching out and connecting with people! I have transformed dramatically from before.. and it's absolutely beautiful! and anyone in my life is lucky to have me! As I am lucky to have them!

I feel my love... I feel this ache in my heart! this yearning, desiring and wanting of this woman! when I speak about her! my heart and soul and my breath and everything about me... becomes crazy! I can describe the feeling!
It's honestly the same as anxiety... in the dictionary it's described as : a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."
My heart begins to triple it's beat, my chest feels like it's closing, and I often cannot catch my breath! But I also cannot stop smiling, cannot stop myself from feeling immense happiness! I feel like for the first time I can actually change, and I can actually make a difference!
It's not just this woman! and the way I feel about her.. but my new position and the change I can make in my community at work! I can do so much! and I hope it all works out! an that I continue to move forward! my life just! is amazing! and I hope and pray tomorrow goes according to plan! and I hope it would SNOW! just this one day! it can turn to rain if it wants! but for the most part! Let it snow! please!

Thank you Universe! Thank you world for helping me move forward! 

Much Love

Monday, December 14, 2015

Keep Moving Forward

The  new beginning once again!!! Unbelievable how this has all come together! I feel like I gave up on school a year ago which is VERY true! but in giving up on school I focused on work, I committed myself to this job that I love to do! And it all paid off! I am now the boss of the place I was hired to work almost five years ago... So that's pretty incredible!
How much I have transformed, how much I have truly stepped away from whatever brokenness I have faced in the past year, to truly be ok! Imagine that! and the people i most wanted to share that with turned out to not understand my heart and soul.. or even... to be people who supported me and not brought me down! How much this was always where I wanted to be! Maybe not this job! But finally to be in a place where I'm not wondering about drinking, cutting, or doing drugs.. where I'm actually content with myself.. and that I don't need someone to guarantee me to be whole...
I'm finally in a place where I don't need someone to complete me! I'm finally in a place where I don't need to please someone, where I don't need someone to keep myself alive.. It has taken me YEARS to get here... and yet those I had hoped would be happy for me are not happy.. and are distant and not even really there... When I used to talk about letting go of those I loved...I never expected this to feel this way... and although that is a Pearce sharp pain penetrating my heart... I am moving forward! I am moving on! Because I'm FINALLY able to live for me and not anyone else!

For the first time in my life! I am not crying myself to sleep, I'm finally not clinging onto people to survive! My only sadness and regret that I might be feeling is that those that helped me through the dark times are gone... that i guess it's that time! The time that I must let go of the people who lifted my heart and soul... Imagine that...Its almost like their a constant reminder of the pain and suffering that helped carry me to where I am... and maybe thats why we aren't friends or connected we used to be... But not matter the road ahead... I have her PERMANENTLY tattooed on my arm to remind me that she was there once upon a time..

I can't even begin to describe the truth to my words... to describe that finally for the first time in my life! I am not waiting for the bottom to drop out, I'm not scared of being happy! Im actually happy and content! my mama is proud of me.. she has always been proud of me, but this is different! this is me accomplishing my goals, this is me... being a boss! So far its fantastic!

My future finally is revealed like I feel like its tangible.. I can actually see it! when it was one year ago! I couldn't imagine a future, I wanted it all to end! I had all my passwords and my suicide letter all that was ready to go! I was ready to end it all.. I don't think anyone could imagine what it feels like to actually wake up and not want to die....

I'm still ashamed of the person i was a year ago, I'm still sad that these scars will NEVER heal.. But I am also learning to accept them.. I feel like I am ashamed sometimes but not as extreme.. you know like learning to talk about them and let people know about them.
I have to go! Ranting and Raving and my friend with and F won't stop texting me... which is awesomely distracting!