living on hope

I got told... that I've been living on this false sense of it will get better... for on an off of months on months... I've been battling the ideas... finally feeling like I've had enough...

I watched an episode that had a husband totally go out of his way not to call his wife... even though in a time of despair that would be the person he should be calling. But he waited till after the chaos before deciding to reach out. 

It makes me think of where I'm at. My partner who is supposed to be in a partnership with me. Has left me out of her life for so long. The past summer she was able to cling to me. But our relationship hasn't been like that for any reason.. an then this past month. I was expected to wait. To hear literally nothing from her. An idk... it felt like I was breaking. 

I had lived on her Word. Instead of checking the actions that go with. 

I became disappointed. An more heart ache than what I'd care to admit. 

I tried so hard to stay strong. An just when I was about to give up. When I've felt ready to just walk away. 

She messaged. She showed up. An everything that I've gone thro still exists but it's not acknowledged or whatever. 

I dont know. I'm struggling. 

When I thought of seeing her I thought how nervous I was. How much I didn't want to see her but also wanted to. Because I knew. One kiss. One hand hold. One look into her eyes an she would have caught me back into it all. Which idk if its good or bad. 

And am I expected to see hope again. That now that her life is finally settling that maybe she will come back. But if she comes back will it still be worth it. 

We had plans. We had planned a future. A life. But my issue is that we shouldn't be living separately from one another. As a partnership we should be striving for the same goal an able to talk about it. Able to make it happen. 

I dont know. I'm losing my mind. An I'm lost. Because I want all the things we said but I don't know if it's possible because even tho this part or chapter for her is resolved. The next thing will come up an then what. I get put on the back burner.

My counselor had said she strives for the stability that I have. She likes the control she has over me an she gets to decide most everything an when I try say anything it's met with silence. 

I dont know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Will she ever really let me into her life the way she has invaded mine.

An why is the life I live so worthy of her to want to stay. Because it just living...living to work. To pay bills. Raise my kid. An have some fun whenever wherever I can

I don't know...how can u devote yourself to someone you hardly see. Or talk to. Or connect with. 

I don't know.