Monday, August 29, 2016

Love in all its motions

I'm completely and utterly confused and lost and scared.. For the first time in a while.. I guess I am where I am.. for whatever reason... very unexpected... and maybe I'm overthinking as I always do.. I know I've said I plan on dying, I plan on fulfilling all my goals before then.. and for the first time in a long time someone has made me question whether its something I really want to do?
What if.. the could have it all.. and for the first time I realized I have never actually thought about that.. I don't know what type of future I would want, and what I would want..
I can tell you for certain.. i loved living at NLGH. I can tell you that I loved chopping wood, making fires, cutting grass, doing laundry and hanging it out to dry... having only 10 min showers because our water ran off a well.. haha.. I loved that lifestyle, although I hated it at the time.. I think it taught me some important lessons..
so when thinking about it all now... I don't want that all.. but I'd say at least a fire place.. in a home.. and part of that home would let me have a study so that I can have my "Fortress of Solitude" as writing is my passion. an i like the idea of having something that's mine.. these conversations are difficult for me.. because no one has ever asked me that before.. but I love where I live right now in the sense I live away from the city, an I drive down to work.. gives me a chance to get to work and when I leave I literally leave the area.. and I'd like.. to hopefully if I had too have my own land I'd love to have a weeping willow tree to always remind me of NLGH.
The only reason I really wanted to hopefully die in ten years is because I am currently unhappy an I'm scared of what the future would hold in the sense.. of getting old.. I'm afraid of getting old, because there will come a time where someone will have to help me, or what if I can't walk? what if this that an the other...that scares me, because it would mean I'd have to rely on someone else.. or who knows
the funny question or thing I said was about marriage.. I don't like the idea of marriage only because I've never seen them last forever, its hard for me to imagine two individual people be able to change and grow together... its like asking an orchid to grow with a sunflower.. each will take it's own course, how do you make them mend together? Maybe I'm just crazy.. I honestly think deep down underneath all my blush* I do want to get married, I like the idea of having someone hopefully forever, but I'm also terrified of love, and I'm scared of failing the person I love. I know theres always forgiveness and all that.. but can you imagine.. just repeatedly in different ways failing the one you love?
I had made a promise to MSL that I wouldn't act a certain way and yet I did.. almost like a reflex and she forgive me yes, but I couldn't forgive myself for being such and idiot.. and that's what I don't like. I don't like causing pain, and heartache I know what it's like, and what it feels like.
On the other hand.. I know I can love.. someone forever. even with Robyn not being around, she couldn't call me up but if she ever spoke to me.. and needed me.. I'd still be there for her.. just as much as my ex.. I'm just that kind of person, so maybe that's what people see?
they don't hear the shi* i say because my actions prove otherwise..
I just want to love her.. lol she's been amazing and she's been with she's willing to help me work through the insanity in my head, and IDK if I've ever been this honest with anyone so its interesting.. maybe I'm just crazy and maybe this is just too much right here and now?
i need to contemplate it, and decide how i feel after that? which is why I'm writing because I think it helps clear the thoughts in my head so I can look at the facts.
Soon MSL what's gonna happen!

We all make choices and we all have to live with those choices! you and I deserve happiness.. and maybe in someways we have found it.. but maybe we seek more then happiness? IDK. for now my love lets keep moving forward.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Plans for the weekend

Well..well..well.. I finally came to my weekend of hoping that everything would work out, but instead.. everything fell apart.. after weeks of making these plans and deciding on the time of when I'd leave... I found out I've been talking to the wrong people about everything.. I'm supposed to be in touch with a church, and I called them 9 times in one day and no one called me back.
So the plan was always I was going back to Fort Saint James to lay down my father's headstone.. I had planned for my friend to watch my building, I planned for my brothers to come with me. I really hoped this all would work out... I guess it's not meant to be this time around.. But I'll tell you it's been super difficult to plan shi* from far far away, and being completely unsure where my dad was, and not knowing there are actually two grave sites in FSJ. so sad.. so now I'll have to get ahold of this Father or Priest and ask him the process of what I need to do to place a headstone in my father's gravesite.
So instead of doing that.. I've got nothing.. I've got some things to consider now that I am not the same person I was four days ago.. lol.. I was out with my friend and it was super intense.. I guess I better be honest and say that I became crazy person.. I went out to the bar which was fun.. I got trashed, and thankfully didn't drive.. and I also couldn't make it home... I met someone well this was the second time I met her.. I must say how weird it was.. that I asked her to come out but she didn't and then our mutual friend told her to come out and she did.
You know when dealing with this situation.. I must say and be as honest as I can be.. I regret the person I am today.. From my last relationship that everyone hated.. I was told "forget her, forget all that shit" but reality is.. I gave a piece of me to that woman, I loved her, and I believed in her and her greatness as I think I do with all.
Anyway just as much as i loved her, I believed she cared about me.. but the problem was.. the cycle of abuse had been bestowed onto me from that relationship.. I feel like all that was once good in me is gone, and alls I can do now is self-destruct and try and destroy all relationships in my life.
I'm scared that I'm an abuser, I'm scared that I'm controlling, possessive, jealous and psycho. I'm scared that if I get involved with someone and these traits are there.. what if i bring those into the relationship, and if i do.. I'd do the same thing my ex did to me, and transfer these painful things onto someone else.
I was never a cheater..but I felt unwanted and someone else wanted me.. I was never a physical  abuser...and then I was hit several times, I was bitten, my life was threatened. According to the RCMP I was defending myself..but because of all those things I'm afraid to get close with anyone because i know I'm capable of those things.. I'm ashamed of what I've been through and what I say about my ex. because truthfully I loved her.. and I will always love her in the sense that she'll one day get through these things..but for me.. is it possible? to return to the amazing person i was 6 yrs ago?
Once upon a time.. I had a future, once upon a time I was happy.. I actually knew what it was like to feel, and how to love in my way, and not to be jealous not to be possessive.. I used to not care who my gf was on the phone with or talking too..and then this all happened and I need to know.. I've been in my home for three years, and live a specific way, I've become used too it.. and then someone comes into my house... and is amazing..
MSL was right in the sense that this girl can make me smile, she can make me feel appreciated and loved, and that there to die.. but I'm so dark these days.. alls I think about is wanting to end my life, and always look at the past and what was and not just in the sense of my ex, but remembering once upon a time I was happy.. and then things changed and I became who I am today.. and I don't know how to come out of that?
I Don't know maybe it's just time to accept who I am now and hope for change? I mean I know that I still feel love, I still desire.. and I still love MSL, and I still appreciate her.. and in the ways I show that is by gifts.. haha.. by spee could be hope... but I'm terrified.
there is a small part of me.. tiny and small that wants this.. to be able to not sleep alone, to know that she doesn't want mending time with her.. and i think I like that.. I like talking.. I like sharing and communicating and I think thats how I'd get through where I'm at.. because I don't want to be this person forever, and I think this is why it's so important for me to seek out help.. because I know it might be possible..
But I also know i'm now terrified. I loved Robyn, and i loved my ex.. I loved Jess.. I loved all these amazing women in my life, and they are all gone.. and I'm terrified of that.. I've given a piece of my heart to each of these women and now none of them are in my life.. and that's scary.. people keep saying you gotta let go, we are living in a world, that life is all about changes, letting go and moving forward.. that some people are only meant to be in your life for a specific time.. or purpose..
I couldn't handle the day MSL leaves my life. I value her in every piece of my soul,and I appreciate all that she has said and done for me. I love being someone she can talk too and rely on, and feels comfortable enough.. I don't want her to ever leave me life, and yet I also am afraid that will happen anyway...if everyone keeps telling me people come and go.. so I figure I'll try let her go, but I can't.. I need that human connection, that emotion bond, because in some ways its giving me hope that I can be someone other than who I've always been..
Or maybe I'm just crazy and will become someone who kills people. lol
maybe I'll be cold hearted forever and never anyone but this and maybe there's no point for anything else.. IDK
I'm still losing my mind.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Every Piece of me

i'm feeling like a failure.. and although the choices others make have nothing really to do with me, the fact that they are leaving me.means that something is wrong.. My boss and I have been trying to get things under control, but the problem is there isn't enough support, and the job is never ending..and leads to stress and stuff quickly, and also everything else we deal with on a day to day basis.. I guess it stressed people out.. It stresses me out.. but losing these people makes me feel like I'm going to be taking on a lot more then I can handle.. I'm trying my best to do everything but I'll say I'll probably end up leaving too because I don't feel supported.
IDK if anyone read that post I deleted.. I'm fighting with some dark pieces of me.. and I want to blame it on everyone but my own self..
It's a choice.. but at the same time.. for the first time in a long time... I just lost my purpose, my reason for continuing on moving forward.. For me to say that scares the shit outta myself because it means that a small piece of me no matter how small... that I'm wanting to give up..
Everyone says... letting go of the old and grabbing the new is important...but I'm still holding and hoping to hold onto the old.. The old was comfortable, reliable, predictable.. I knew what she wanted, she knew how to love me, and she also made me laugh, but she made me feel safe.. Maybe it's my own fault because I sorta gave up... which is true yes.. but every time I thought about going back, alls I could think of is the Shit words I said... and I can't forgive those words..
Grasping the new... is unpredictable.. and uncertain.. well its certain I won't be getting away from anyone, and that its very true that I'm trustworthy.. I definitely love unconditionally, I love without limits, an I treasure very deeply.. I can look into her eyes and search for her heart and soul in a second, and feel the warmth of I'm happy.. an insane

I feel like the pieces of my heart are shattered... and as much as I try.. as much as i wear make up, change my clothes, clean my house, go for drinks.. nothing is going to fill the void thats enveloped my soul... She was the better person, she was the one who pushed me to do better, be better, and she believed in me even in my darkness.. she never judged or ridiculed my addictions... she loved me.. she told me that everyday. I miss that love.. and I miss her.. She made me feel like I could change the world.. I could make a difference.. I could fulfill my hearts desire..

I look at my arm... and i see all these scars forming.. all this pain I've caused myself, all the shame filled in my heart.. What have I done? why do I do these things? Pain is my enemy and my friend all in one.. I hate feeling pain, I hate being hurt, and in reaction to it.. I do these things that cause pain.. it makes me feel better.. that's pretty F up.. An even in all these moments of doing these things... I can't cover the one that meant the most..

I want to run away.. but of course that will solve nothing.. I want to cry.. but I hate crying.. I'm falling on my knees I'm bruised broken an bleeding.. I am happy on the outside, I'll do anything for anyone right now, just to avoid what I am feeling right now. I'm scared of my own reflection because when I look in the mirror.... I no longer recognize the person there, I only see the darkness, I only see the beast of burden, I only see the pain.. the agony..
I know I'll hopefully get out of this.. as I've done so many times before.. the difference is that... I'm too weak to do this alone.. everyday I'm searching for reasons to keep going.. People telling me why don't I think of my family, and all the pain I would cause them..
I Laugh Out Loud! I have caused more pain in my family then anyone! I am to blame for all the shitty things that happened! If I was smart and did what I was supposed too.. I am certain all the bad things happening wouldn't have happened. I have disconnected so much from my family, because its hard to see potential and see them fall so short of it all.. and fail over and over and for their mindset to believe they will always amount to nothing, or they can't change the world.. blah blah blah.. its hard to listen to they stuff, I have my own stuff.. If I take on their stuff.. I'll end up in the ground a lot faster.. I can't be around them... they are not my positive stuff.

I think I'm losing my mind... The more I'm avoiding the truth and what's going on.. the harder it is to write here.. because in some ways I'm being less then honest about what my plans are, and where I plan on ending up.. I'm still seeking help.. its a lot harder then I thought, to pick up the phone and call someone.. I don't even remember how I found her before.. and can only hope I find someone like her again.. maybe not as beautiful lmfao
I think I'm falling apart...fading away.. nothing but numb an void...person that walks without emotion, I don't care about anything or anyone.. I'm not connected to anyone.. maybe a couple but that's not the same of what I'm talking about... this is deeper then that.. deeper then my love for them.. this is beyond words that can be expressed or said.. .its a feeling no one will ever understand! I'm selfish and foolish and unsteady..

Friday, August 19, 2016

accepting my situation

I gotta talk about this because it's making me feel like I'm losing mind and I hate myself and sorta regret the choices I made..
So about lets say 3 or 4 weeks ago, like I've said previously.. I opened a door to something very dark, I opened the door to something that I'm addicted too, I hadn't had an issue in a long time.. but then this one thing (painful thing) happened and all my strengths, all my reasons not to do it went out the window and I started doing it.. And now... it's almost like I need to do it, for every emotion I happened to feel.. the sadness, the anger, the frustration etx.. everything I feel that's negative ends up causing me physical pain.. and Im struggling to close this door..and like I've said before as soon as I think I can get it under control, something happens and I take the easy way out.. and with this easy way I feel like it's just going to lead to the "beast of burden" the darkness that's stained on my soul and i can't escape it.. and for the first time in my life I don't have a lot of support.. which apparently is a lie... apparently because I let go of all the negative, and past people. I've apparently created room for new people in my life which I guess is true..but to entrust to them this dark piece of me.. IDK.. 
The only other good news is that I'm getting my awesome tattoo.. this is the tattoo that represents what I felt those weeks ago, the representation of my brokenness and what I felt.. I can't believe I'm going to do it, but honestly I feel like this was a significant thing that happened..and I feel like the only good that came out of it.. is that I realized it's time to let go of the past, to burn those bridges and not to try and get stuck trying to hold the bridge together, or to believe that I've got to repair it myself. it's time just to let go. 

Other then that.. I guess.. I'm going to Ft St James!!! with my BROTHERS!!!

I'm still infatuated with this girl...I can't get her outta my head! and I've seen her everyday for the last five days, and i've spoken to her everyday.. even if she's just my friend, sometimes momentarily in my head, or reality! moments happen and I just get this flutter of butterflies come over me.. and I'm just infatuated! I'm in love with this girl! I wish! I wish! but I can't but I love her... and i'm grateful for her being in my life... so i dont know why! but I guess i told her about all my tattoo ideas, and she's now decided to get a tattoo with me. this is going to be intense and insane! I cannot even begin to describe this sh* I absolutely don't understand... LOL! I've only known her for a short time, and I mean less then a year.. but maybe because of all the time we spend together, and all this open communication, maybe we know enough about each other.. she obviously loves me, if she's going to let me brand her with my awesome tattoo forever.. haha it's gonna be three stars but one of the three is a shooting star an it'll be behind our ear. I love it! I love her.. and I'm excited... So much to think about.. haha

I finally planned my trip to Ontario!.. actually no not planned but decided I'm going to Ontario for 2 weeks in October. I remember Fall was my favorite season and it'll be before winter.. I'll probably go to Belleville, Consecon, Oshawa, Toronto, and wherever else I can make it! she wants to go to New York I can't remember who put that in our heads, but told us to do that.. so I guess we can check that out! i' should probably get my passport just in case! haha

I guess things are overall looking good.. i am still trying to reach out for support because I don't want this cutting thing to get outta control, and i don't want my emotions to go insane. I know that I'm a bit up in the air with everything going on.. but I can only hope that things work out and that I survive in the times of trouble.. I am grateful for some of my friends who say they'll always answer their phone, I told them I called someone else and they didn't answer and that it made me feel worse and made it harder to get outta my state of mind.. so I guess I have some good solid friends.. but with the addictions stuff I think it's more important to find the proper resources for people who can actually help me through that! I just gotta keep moving forward! 

This girl right now is keeping me sane! and she's also continuing to keep my smiling, and she makes me happy... and she helps me get outta my head! I'm very lucky to have her, and I wish.. she could see her through my eyes! I love her! 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Plan B

What up peeps... I can't sleep.. too busy helping everyone as always lmfao.
i'm having a hard time with some things an I guess I need to walk through them for a moment.. so I know I've spoken about  my sexy lady for months, I know that I've seen her through some dark times, and I've also made her laugh, hate, an love all in one.. haha.I guess I'm just still contemplating this relationship.. and only allowing myself to base it on friendship and not love an whatever else. not that there isn't love in friendship. but the love I speak of is the complete and utter devotion to this one amazing woman, to be able to cuddle, to be able hold her hand, as she softly brushes against mine while we walk down the street, or hug her, and kiss her beautiful lips. and to look into her beautiful blue eyes and see her soul, to know that she does have a heart, and its filled with love for me.. even though she does the same BS that my ex did.. stating she doesn't have a heart, like all others we build walls around our hearts, being scarred, being hurt, being abused.. so i understand that full well..
Just yesterday.
Should I really say it..

Just yesterday I was driving to work... thinking about the entire future I had originally planned out, but now things are so up in the air, like I'm passing through an endless fog, I don't know about my future, and this is why I hate planning. anyway. so for the first time I really seen this future of mine vanish, in thin air, everything I had planned or though could be my future is ended... It's not happening.. it's over! So I thought about this on my way to work.. and then I texted my sexy lady, we chatted and then she showed up.. at work.. and I wish i could say she showed up to see me she partially came to see me..but really to see someone else.. and that really bothered me..because I was now the excuse why she walked into my building, oh an lets not forget they both were fuckin assholes to me, and threw something at me.. which pissed me off.. cause that wasn't fun.
So anyway I went with her to get coffee, I told her what to buy for the people at work. an we walked back.. and that was the end of me seeing her, as she spent the next 30 mins with those people instead of me. so I ignored her..and everyone.. and so then! in all my emotion.. I got completely crazy.. thinking of these things, moments, times, everything... and realizing I couldn't handle it anymore.. an i did some not so great things.. oh lets not forget I broke down crying because I was emotional wreck! anyway. my sexy lady tried to talk to me, called me, texted, sent messages... and i avoided her for two hours.. every time I lifted my phone to explain this embarrassing act I couldn't do it.. so then I did something crazy..and walked over to her work, and without seeing her I dropped something off.. and left. she then said she'd return what I got her.. an we had a huge argument..
I finally admitted.. what I was feeling.. that I required all her attention, and that when she decides I don't deserve it to give me a heads up so I can leave work and not have to bare witness to the bs that is going on in the next office. lmfao.
then.. I cried.. for the 100th time, and I told her i didn't wanna see her.. at all! and then I said I lied. lmfao. she showed up again.. of course me being all slick! wearing sun glasses, and hat. I went to the liquor store.. and bought beer for my friend and i.. as she was making me dinner. MSL walked me to the store and then to my friends.
anyway. we parted ways/... with the assumption she was going out that night, and i said I might go. but my friend wanted to go somewhere else. so we went somewhere else, I convinced her to come with us.. or told her..or gave her no option lmfao. idk.
it was an ok night... not my best moments, I realized I wasn't driving,and the parkade was closed at 10 and I was no where near it. so I thought what a great opportunity to go to my "fortress of solitude' and Idk let go of the past... in a formal way.. but I didn't tell MSL that I was doing this.. instead I did the gentlemen (normal thing) and walked her to her car.. and I was about to walk away, and we got into an argument because she didn't just wanna leave me.. but I needed her too.
i have no idea.. what i'm talking about anymore. lmfao. oh
about love and friendship. and that friendship is where we need to be..but me coping with that is a lot harder then it looks. no one will treat her the way I do, and no one is worthy of being in her life besides me. I wish I was a man! lol but she wouldn't be attracted to me that way because I'd be too insane for her. lmfao
But I know she admires me.. I know she appreciates what I do for her. i do a bit more then I should, but if Robyn was around she'd know this is me..and all that I normally do..
But to have this woman in my life.. there is nothing more incredible.. I talked to my friend D and she said its find someone to be vulnerable with, and yet that person makes you laugh, and for me laughing or having actual vulnerability is rare.. and scary all in one..

my main issue is I compare...what was and what is.. and also that I love this woman with every inch of my heart and soul, and that I would do anything, be anything, saying anything to make her happy. because that is my life's fulfillment right now.. to affirm, and re-affirm her in all her beauty, her amazing smile, her beautiful life.. IDK.. I think she like these traits about me, she probably hasn't seen a lot of this craziness. I know she thinks I'm insane, and i probably am! but I'm insanely in love with her... and that has to stop but it's not something that can just stop on its own,and she doesn't make it easier.. we see each other every day, talking every second...and who knows what else.. but it's hard to lose what I feel.. but at the same time.. I can't deal with the idea of her being gone, or distancing herself from me so that i could work through my feelings. I've already told her that I can do this without losing her..not that I've ever felt this way, or tried stop feeling what I feel. but that I' also would NEVER do anything to jeopardize what I have with her! She trusts me, and I trust her.. she does as i say, and sometimes I'll do the same... but we enjoy each other company, and apparently have things in common what ever the fuck that means.. lmfao.
i'm losing my mind and i know that.. believe me I'm seeking out help.and asking people to help me find the help I need to not lose my mind..never know next thing I could end up like Joker haha

Thursday, August 11, 2016


In all honesty I have no idea what I've been through in the last twenty-four hours... I have definitely screwed everything up with everyone in my life.. and in complete despair.. I did something extremely dangerous, and insane.
I wish I could say there are voices in my head that made me think and or do what I did.. but there aren't.. I think I'm just an emotional person who is struggling to survive... For the first time I'm not anchored to anyone, or anything... for some reason I thought... I could just let go.. I could just forget everything and everyone and just let it go.. I've not felt like this in a really long time.. So for me to be real and serious about it all.. I could barely.. tell you the absolute truth..
I think I finally figured out the woman I've been in love with for months.. that I can't love her.. I can love her as my friend, but other then that.. I can't keep that up... because when I realize what her and I have been through... there's nothing I can see as us being together.
In finding out this insight.. I definitely lost my mind on top of everything else that's been going on! I can't even begin to express the complete heartache of losing my friend.. It's definitely true that I've lost her..
Maybe I'm completely lying.. maybe I'm just completely Fu**ed up and need a reason to find a way out. I'm not sure.
I can tell you.. I have not felt that kind of brokenness that I felt yesterday.. and thankfully my cousin for some reason came to help me out.. and basically saved the day because I often forget what I'm doing, why I'm doing it an need to be reminded of everything.
I can tell you that I feel heartbroken. I feel like theres nothing in the world worth loving, that maybe I'm completely insane and that there isn't an insanity person in the world who can feel what I feel and understand that. lol
So when I spoke to my cousin about everything that I've been going through and how i've felt.. I'll tell you he was disappointed... The control I have over her, and the control she has over me... is intense and even though we're just friends.. it definitely wasn't supposed to end up this way! and I tried I tried!! what I've ALWAYS done with everyone in my life! I tried to walk away, I tried to push her away, I tried to be a psycho, insane person, I stopped talking to her... and yet our hearts and souls are entwined I can't do it.. like an addiction, she's become my current obsession.. alls I want to do is make her happy, alls I want is to save her from herself, or save her from this fuc*** up mess that she believes so much that she knows what she deserves..
I guess.. we all have to learn in our own way. I remember the days that I was all messed up with drinking an women, I had Robyn there for me.. she never judged me, or made me feel bad for her coming to see me in the hospital.. alls she did was love me, be there for me.. and in that love I decided to make changes in my life. I wish i could change more now... but I'm addicted.. addicted to suffering in my own pain, and becoming a pathological liar.
You know what the hardest part for me was... is her telling me that I wasn't in love with her, that it's impossible.. she believed it was only infatuation... haha! I could love her! I could love her for the rest of my life, and you know the best part is that I would never jeopardize having her in my life by doing something stupid! I even told her that! I thought she'd stop talking to me, I thought she'd run and when I thought that I went MAD! I went crazy and got scared.. and she wouldn't leave.. haha.. she won't go away... she stays in my life.. and i think it's because I love her, an because I do so much for her, and appreciate her and adore her! I would rather spend the rest of my life... loving her and appreciating her then spend another minute without her! I'd rather be her friend and find ways to make her happy then lose her, and lose that piece of me.
SO.... in all this insanity! I've decided to make a video.. now this video is supposed to be devotion of love and heartbreak.. originally was supposed to be my confession of love to her! haha! but I've changed it to love and heartbreak... it's not a movie, it'll be a mash up of several experiences in movies where it expresses how I've felt! and am currently feeling! I love my creativity mind.. I wish I could ask Marie to help me... she's the best at Mash up documentaries.. but if I don't speak to her or contact with them for two years, maybe she'll come into my life! Marie is the only woman I'd marry! she's the only woman I would do that whole marriage stuff with, but I've never said that about anyone in my life.. and I can only hope! she is doing well!
I have a lot of incredible women in my life! and I'm grateful for every one of them!

I'm alive and I'm moving forward!

Monday, August 8, 2016


Well there goes my day! haha! I tried to do the whole deleting my entire accounts, that would be Facebook, Instagram, twitter, an snapchat... these are all my addictions. lol. I was trying to force my love to admit somethings but she wouldn't do it.. actually she did.. but she got mad at me first for not messaging her back via text.
I can't even begin to explain the situation.. I can't even tell how amazing it feels to be in love, to be crazy about someone, but to also still be crazy enough to make sure they are happy. I have gone above and beyond! I absolutely have been consumed by love, by admiration, by appreciation for her.. all that she has done for me, she has been able to pull me out of some insanity.
I had a S day at work.. I had a hard time.. and I've always had a hard time because I don't feel the support I need to keep going, and she just swoops in and makes it a bit worse and then better? On top of that... I had my friend call today... I almost predicted she'd call today.. and I was right she is coming this weekend.. that should be fun and interesting... lets hope that I can be a good support for her, although I can't even be that for myself.. so IDK
I just can't get over...the feeling.. that it's alright to feel what I feel..and to acknowledge her be able to look into her beautiful blue eyes and tell her, over and over... to reach over and grab her hand.. be all weird like the movies, and put her hand on my heart... while gazing into her eyes. haha! talk about insanity!
I feel like I've done all I can! I seriously have thrown every curve ball, every darkness, and every whatever the F else I normally would do! and she won't go anywhere.. oh wait she'll ask what she should do, and she won't do what I tell her..when I say to break free and run the opposite direction. I see her running towards me.. and I've never been happier then that!
I still feel the sting.. and see the scar forming about what happened two weeks ago now.. but I'll tell you this.. that my next tattoo! will be a representation of that chapter of my life.. and hopefully I'll be able to find strength from I'm sure she will as well.. I'll say this much! there is no greater love then that! nothing more powerful, and amazing! I know that maybe that time and chapter has come and gone and it's time to move on! or at least thats what I tell myself each day.. haha to try and avoid the reality that I'm all broken and shattered! which will also be the representation of this tattoo!
I'm excited about the tattoo! you have no idea! I had so many ideas of great things and now for the first time this will be a darkness, a pain or something.. maybe the tattoo artist will change it into something better.. idk.. but maybe she'll talk me out of where it's going... IDK!
I'm happy... most of the time! most of the time while she's speaking to me! while she's in my life. I'm happy and when she's not. i feel what I feel, and can feel it in her voice, in her soft blue eyes. I know everything will be ok! because she's with me! and I won't be able to get rid of her! although.. my friend this weekend might get a bit weird.. lets hope not! haha! or maybe my love will get weird. the worst thing I'd say about myself is that I have and will always be there for those in my life, those I care for no matter where I'm at! haha

Much love!

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Good Enough

I don't know what to think about the last week! or since i said what i did.. My friends are now making me crazy saying that everything that's in my head is true! <3 :="" and="" around="" be="" likes="" me="" nbsp="" p="" she="" to="" wants="">I've basically spent every other day with her, and still talk to her every dang day! I think that I watch too much TV and from what I heard about TV is that there can come a point where she'll actually look at me, or else she'll use me,! OR she'll get to where I am..
I miss her.. already and it's only been an hour since she hadn't been around haha! I love her.. and I can't help but feel that when I see her, when I smile at her.. or when I hear about her life and her things, it's like my memory or my heart are placing them in a secret spot..
I can't continue writing this insanity because it'll eventually pass, she might give up on me and find someone else. haha. but she'll have a lot from me... I've bought her a lot of stuff, shared some emotional stuff, and I've devoted myself to her as much as I could! I can't help but want to make her happy, and if that happiness is not with me! then she'll find someone and I honestly MIGHT be ok with that..
As for my own addiction.. I guess I must say that I'm back into my old habits and that's hard for me because it's like opening a door, and every time I try shut it, something comes and blocks that, whether that be emotion, anger, frustration, anxiety and it's so easy to open that door...but it's so difficult to close it... and I haven't told anyone that I've done what I'm doing and I can't.. I'm too scared.. but at the same time when I see why I did what I did, when it started and how it felt... anyone in their right mind would've fell in their own stuff too..
I feel like a giant hole has been ripped out of my heart, and that I recently seen a picture that I thought could be a great tattoo, but my sexy lady doesn't want it... but it's a heart that has a blade ripping it, tearing it.. and I thought the blade would be important to portray because the blade in my life is so powerful, so difficult and such a huge part of my life...
I guess I'm still mending my heart... whether thats even F possible.. I'm so angry about everything that happened and how it all ended up.. If I was f smart and just spit the truth out, and if I wasn't so scared of what I'm at right now... everything would've worked out...and instead... I feel like a huge part of my life, and my heart are gone forever never to be found...
I guess it's keep moving forward right!.... there's nothing left in the world but keep moving forward!
Today I had a good day! today I was among friends, I was among the love of my life! I almost wanted to just take a picture to remember it forever, the feeling I feel right now of being in her life, and their lives.. I'm very grateful for the amazing people in my life! and I wish... I wish for so much! I was able to see a good movie, and I thought while watching the movie... there's insanity that completes all of us in some way!
Cause I always think... I don't think anyone is as crazy or insane as me.. there's gonna be no one who would understand my inanity.. but I guess maybe I was given hope.. but in that hope I don't want love forever... I don't want marriage or any of that.. there's too much in that.. but just to have someone I can rely on,be real with, and stay with forever maybe.. that'd be ok! and I guess I was given some hope that it could be possible!
Who is good enough, or how am I good enough for them>?

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Old Habits

the time has come to me so clear as the blue sky.. I hate to admit it all.. but I have too.. it's clenching at my heart and soul, a darkness enveloping in my soul.. this is how bad things happen.
I didn't go crazy today. but I went crazy tonight.. haha.. looking at my blade the one thing I've likely held onto for years, recently I almost lost it.. and found it in my Van.. haha. it's starting to break.. the anxiety in my heart for the idea of losing something that matters so much to me.. an addiction that I've had for over 17 yrs of my life.
It's the hardest thing when people say why don't you just hit a punching bag, scream in a pillow, or write.. haha.. if only it were that easy! If it were that easy I wouldn't be doing what I do.. there is no greater feeling for me then to stick a blade in my arm and let the blood flow. I hate saying that, with quiver in my voice, and shame on my face.. I'm struggling with this right now.. it's how I'm dealing with my frustrations? my emotions? my love and hate...for myself and those that are in my life.
I honestly hardly remember what it was like to be happy? to be in a good place that was so entangled with lies, manipulation, and whatever.. In such clarity I'm beginning to see the insanity in my head, the reality of the world. and the idiots i've let come into my life.
There's nothing anyone can say to help me be released from this insane grip... so instead of me saying anything.. I'm gonna be weird and do something weird.. I don't know much about mash up videos but its whats on my mind.. as I think of what I feel I see movies, tv shows I've seen in the past.. and I'm gonna find a way to combine them all.. that will be my expression of how I'm feeling right now.. IDK if that's even possible.. but I've got to distract myself with something because I'm hurting right now.. and I need to not feel what I feel..

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Losing my mind, searching for clarity

I guess i've been lying to myself.. thinking it's possible to love her without anything.. just imagine meeting someone who just is amazing.. beautiful.. and has the greatest smile ever. the more I've known her, the more I've been so crazy about her.
I thought I could just love her without anything.. I could just remain in her life without anything. but the reality is.. I can't.. the hold she has over my life.. I realize now this is F insane. but even with knowing these things imagine how hard it will be to walk away from all these things.. I thought distraction was what we needed, but maybe it's more than that.. I feel like an idiot.. because honestly for me to get her out of my life is to make her hate me.. but at the same time.. the things that she's said to me, I don't want to hurt her.. I can't.. I can't hurt her..but it's the only way I can guarantee that I can walk away..
I really feel like an idiot..You have no idea how I felt.. how I absolutely love her, I love her laugh, I love her making me laugh, I love her eyes, her weirdness.
i can't do it! I can't do it even if I wanted too! I have entwined my life with hers.. I feel as she wants me to, says what she wants.. F INSANE!
Can it just happen? can I just let it be? no I can't.. Today I was at a friend's chilling, sorta.. haha. and I honestly was losing it.. because she had said something in a joking manner that had me flip out.. An I don't know why I should care.. but i do care.. I can't help but care. She matters to me.. She matters a great deal to me, and I guess I've picked up some traits that I'm not proud of.. and I can't let her go.. and that scares the S outta me because I know how terrible this is and how terrible it could get.
But if only... only you could see.. her.. hear her talk, hear her laugh.. see her body language, see her nervous stuff, and her everything. I can't help but feel what I do.. and I can't continue to deny those feelings because she's absolutely amazing and I only hope that she finds someone, a man who can treat her in ways that I have but in more healthy I am who I am.. and that's pretty dysfunctional in itself.
I honestly don't regret meeting her.. it's been really nice and amazing to smile the way I have, to feel what I feel.. it's been a long time since I felt the way I feel.. and to have her spend so much time with me.
Just a reminder it's because of her.. I've been able to have clarity about my funeral, my cremation, my everything.. I want everything destroyed, I don't want anyone having anything to fight over anything. I want to be cremated so that I'm not in a box rotting somewhere. I want my cremation to be where the turtles are, I absolutely love turtles.
Just the other day I was with her.. and we were talking about why I love turtles..and it all came back! it was in Ontario.. at NLGH.. I'd say was my first summer there? a snapping turtle came to the 6 acres of land there, and buried her eggs near Mary's office.. I wished and wanted so badly to protect the eggs, and to see the little turtles hatch and go to the lake.. but it didn't happen.. as I didn't know when turtles hatched.. and also we had foxes, and snakes in the area so they probably found the eggs. very few of them make it alive.. such a beauty.. and it's because of that one turtle.. that I fell in love with turtles.. I love their hard shell they can hide in, and that they are only vulnerable in certain areas. this describes a lot of who I am.
I'm very much a hard shell.. i am an introvert who's insane.. lol but if and when I do trust you.. my heart is in it fully. My love is unconditional.
I just got carried away.. haha.. I love turtles.. and I know where I'm at right now is not good. and that I need to figure this out asap.
On a side note.. I guess I know what I know. as I feel what i feel. I guess I should've been more honest about the relationship I had. this is something that cannot be forgiven..and the fact that I've heard nothing means i know what I know and feel it in my gut. so I guess after all this time has passed there's nothing left more? I think that's important to say because things don't last forever, things are temporary everything is temporary.. love lasts forever but we don't have too!
Its either time to move forward.. or crash an burn all together..because for what feels like the first time in a long time I have some serious sh going on in my head and I actually don't have anyone to talk too..and yes that was a choice.. and even if I choose different I'm pretty sure I'm a bit more unstable that something not good would happen!.
i wish it was easier than this.. Idk what to do anymore... and Idk how to get this shi outta my head or heart.
Keep Moving Forward or FTW!

Monday, August 1, 2016

my journey

Well world... I set out on this trip recently to go visit my father's grave... i originally had planned to go with my best friend, my lady, my ultimate everything..heart and soul.. anyway that didn't end up happening..
let me say doing this journey alone was very reckless.. I could have been killed, I could've been in a car accident.. there was only one person who knew where I was..
But that being said.. I made it there and back safely... I don't know what I set out on this journey to accomplish besides visiting my father's gravesite.
I'll say I've discovered some things about myself.. I decided when I die.. Not only will I want all my items destroyed! the only thing that will be divided is my money.. an maybe pictures that can be duplicated. but other than that there is no reason for any of the rest of anything. After all my items are destroyed, burned, melted down metals, and thrown everything away! I want to be cremated.. I want to be cremated and either my ashes get poured out in Lake Ontario I believe.. In Ontario near the New Life Girls home.. if not there.. than in Trinidad and tabago.. As I've watched a documentary and heard the amazing beauty of turtles that are in the beach. i want my cremation to go there or NLGH. I don't want to be buried I don't want people to come visit a spot in the world where I'm rotting, I want them to know I'm everywhere.
I guess the other thing I realized.. is that the woman I love.. and I mean crazy head over heels love.. I decided I'd rather just love her? Can I just love her without anything happening.. can I just be able to appreciate who she is to me, and how she makes me feel? IDK if it's possible.. I'm sure one day I'll find someone to love, but right now.. she makes me smile, she makes my heart pitter patter.. lol she's beautiful, crazy, insane! but she makes me feel like a king, queen.
I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her laugh. I can't help but wish and want more but at the same time this type of love could be rare? I know I'm kidding myself but for right now let me feel what I feel and let that be it.
Other than love and journey.. I decided on my next tattoo.. although I say that a lot.. this time I mean it. haha. after my recent experience that has scarred myself and my lady.. I decided to get a tattoo of a stick man, holding a broken heart in his left hand, and a gun pointed at his head in the other. and that will be my illustration of "love hurts" haha. crazy insane right?
I've never been such an idiot. ok actually I have.. haha. but when it comes to my lady, I usually am pretty determined to love her always and forever..and all of a sudden this situation came up and for what feels like the first time.. I was ready to turn my back on her, and that is hard for me. this is the woman that has been through hell and back with me, she has been a light in my darkness, she has come to my hospital bedside when I tried to kill myself, she has been there for my achievements, my break ups. and all of a sudden this issue happens and I'm ready to drop her? it's probably because she knows me, she knows what she's talking about concerning me. but it's also probably because of the fight we were having... there's nothing like it, and i feel like right now.. I still have to be an idiot an worry and it's making me crazy. and I need this to end..
I wrote her while I was away, and she said all is forgiven..but I don't feel like it is.. I don't think I can forgive myself.. and I can't let it go.. lets hope time will free me from that feeling

as for this crazy psycho girl I love.. there is no one like her, I can't help but be more crazy about her. I love spending time with her, listening to her, almost like I make her nervous hahah.. she's funny she is crazy! and she makes me laugh! I feel fairly comfortable around her.. I tell her about some stuff I've done, and the darkness buried within me, and the recent mishap. I'm as honest as I can be.. an no matter what I say she is still there! she's still in my life! lets hope it'll pass.. lets hope I find someone to distract me! cause I can't seem to find anyone to distract her!.. haha.
I always think I can work through all these issues, I always think writing helps I don't know so much about it all anymore..
I feel like I've lost people to talk too..because of my own insanity, my own darkness.. i'm sure the world knows what that's like.. but to have to compartmentalize who I am with certain people, and only trusting certain others with the's been time consuming an I no longer feel like myself anymore. I know counselling is my next step.. but after the great and amazing woman I had in my life there is no one to compare to her magic that's like 6 years gone... :( an so its hard to just throw that away..or find someone who is as amazing as she was.. I'm glad she's moving forward and that she's doing amazing things..but I guess I miss her.. I miss her "smooth" talk and her willingness to be bold with me, tell me how it is even if it hurts.. she's the only person I've ever given one of my blades too that's rare and hard for me.. (attempts at change, which clearly failed)

I'll figure it out sooner or later