Thursday, September 24, 2009

productive rather than procrastination

What an interesting set of days for a weekend for me.. Classes were fabulous I only say that phrase because that's one thing I noticed in class the instructor as well as the director of CAPS has a thing for saying that phrase.
Honestly though class was good the first day was a little difficult because of my circumstances in my own life and then the weight of everything I deal with on a daily basis was overwhelmingly difficult to focus. The days following became real fun an it was such an excitement to entire into class knowing full well that I was accepted into this community of amazing aboriginal people.

The weekend class though so exhausting probably because of the work I did I felt so tired a majority of the time, and at times the conversations in our groups became unbearable at times but only because I was able to see the triggers in my life when it comes to certain conversations which was good to know, good to see and an opportunity to talk to my psychologist and counselor about to continue to walk the road of healing.
Apart from that I guess it's real awesome to be in I mean for me to be surrounded by a crowd of people who want to become leaders in their community, and also live a life of sobriety what more could I ask for? I am surrounded by the kind of people that bring out the best in me.

As for the work can't complain takes a lot of focus and a lot of time and energy but well worth it to better myself and my knowledge in areas I may not have seen before.

However as my weekend began this Monday I did not come to a comfortable place, I had found out my sister had ended up in the hospital over the weekend... she had been beaten up by her mother and she also apparently tried to kill herself... So my start to the weekend well my weekend I was deep in thought of how to be there for her and not let myself draw back into the beast I fight off.. being furious that she had been surrounded by family in a drinking environment and took the worst of it... the following day I went to memorial ceremony with my mom and it had been a lady I knows father that passed away... the impact of that alone hit home for me and I was deeply sad by the reasons for his death.
I couldn't focus on my work for school or even desire to try my best to do perfect not that I am a perfectionist but my writing has always been able to shine....however with all I had to face those few days I felt overwhelmed and yesterday I had really felt the affects of these choices and decisions I had been surrounded by.

My heart became heavy and I became unclear and disorientated by the circumstances in my life and for a brief moment in my voice, in my head I had wanted and desired to give up. the weight of my family life, and the circumstances I had come into became unbearable. I felt unable to turn to people for help and felt vulnerable to these circumstances in my life. I was really sad and I had hoped to find strength or hope to get through these times in my life... It was not the case and I was really sad and ready to give up. I stayed at the Friendship Centre with my mother and sister and not long after I finally met the Police Officer that would be a mentor for me. I watched and observed her interaction with the people the elders of our family night. I was very impressed and a question that I had thought of earlier that evening was answered as I watched this amazing Police Officer relate and spend time with these aboriginal people... Was very amazing and must have been very rewarding I was glad to have stayed and make right choices...

I woke up late today with a fresh start on my life... I know full well that I'm moving forward in my despite the regret or choices I had made in the past. Being in school is an opportunity for me to get involved in my community as well as learn my strengths and my weaknesses to find the strength in those weaknesses.. I am glad and honored to have the opportunity to be in school to get a proper and most efficient education.

I'm very excited and looking forward to being back in class because I need a much needed distraction from my life, to know I'm moving forward and that I'm going to make it in spite of all the obstacles I have faced or continue to face..


Monday, September 14, 2009

from the start

Since July 31,2009 I went in search of a search for someone to believe in my cause for my future. I searched to the bitter end until I got sick of thinking that my future was vuluable and just when I was about to give up....everything came together the way it needed too.
The process of my life before the events of my acceptance letter from my College... Let me tell you straight up the journey has not been easy at all since February..since May...since June!! the reason those times are highlighted is because those were the darkest times in my life. I had come in and out of hospital care, seen someone I love die, and once again drinking was a major factor in my life that I could not let go of... I realized that drinking for me was my identity...
is that sad or what?
My return to Vancouver... this is definetly not the way I had pictured it all you know! I had dreams of my return to Vancouver.... thought of it so clearly thinking that I'd be healed, I'd be whole or at least a little stable...I honestly didn't realize how clearly angry I was of the events of my life... I had found out my baby sister was sexually abused by a family friend, but the worst of it is everyone waited five years before telling me..
I was angry.. angry with my family...angry with myself.. feeling like I had made the wrong decision in leaving to Ontario... In Ontario it was easier believe me it was easier to think of how great my life was, I was in school, I was making it whatever way I could.. I was trying... and I was living...
So since my return... I had to figure out whether Ontario was worth it you know? I loved Ontario, I loved NLGH, I loved Oshawa, and I loved my time there... but I had to determined whether I made the right decision you know? Was I really where I had hoped to be? I left Vancouver looking for a purpose...looking for a reason to live, a reason to keep going forward in my life...
You know what...I found it... In all the turmoil of my life.. all the aches and heartbreak of my life I am able to say this long journey of my life...from the bitterness of the past to the glorious future I feel like I found it... The reason I am where I am today. And although... I'm still as angry as I am. I also see that I'm not as angry as I used to be. If I had been as angry as I used to be well then I wouldn't be here today. I would be in jail, I would've committed a serious crime out of anger. It took me a long time to decide that was not the way of my life.
It takes a lot of guts for me to stand down you know? to allow this kind of cruelty to happen and stand aside doing nothing about it...but that's the other thing you know? I did what I could to help my family...I moved back to vancouver and as I have well my family has changed just a little bit.. My brother is back in school, my sister is no longer having nightmares. I came back to protect them honor them, and love them.

I got way off track..but that's the history of my situation my state of mind. the struggle to find myself here and now. the past could forever cripple me to drinking and maybe one day drugs, I could ruin everything in whatever way i wish it. I could go to utterly self-destruct because I feel I've let down my family, and I have many times tried to end it all. My friends here in Vancouver are witness to my lifestyle my drinking, my cutting and my utter hatred for myself, and the pain I feel in my life.
It would be easy you know... for me to return to the life of drinking and one day drugs. It would be so easy so simple, it's like so many people would not fault me for choosing that way of life. I would not even care about myself. My future. I could utterly self-destruct and it wouldn't matter so many people would see it as my choice. It is my choice to self-destruct. but its not what I want outta my life you know??

I've seen the vicious venomess pattern in my family cycle for years, generations, the curse of drinking and drugs, I've felt the pain of it. I've suffered at the hands of drinkers, drug users, and child abuse, I've suffered at the hands of these things, i bear scars on my body not by my own hand but by the hand of those who were my guardians, I suffer emotional wounds that prevent me from trusting anyone, or getting close to anyone, and a fear lives in me that as good as things are so also will it destruct into the worst imaginable pain.

You know...even as I write these words on this blog so also i write the history in the making my life choices. I could give up. I could kill myself, I could run away from everything. But you know what I've learned? Running doesn't change the circumstances of my life it may alter them but those problems follow me everywhere I go. so whats the point?

My life.. as crazy as it's been in the past. as crazy as I've been in and out of the hospital, as much as I struggled for purpose. as i struggled with reason, with courage, strength and everything! It took me nearly two years to figure it out! figure out that my life was not intended for this kind of destruction. My life has a purpose a reason!

Something so great! I don't really know what it is but Im walking it out as I go along.. Choosing every day as difficult as it is.. to say no to drinking, to say no to self-destruction... You know the price of this? the price of this habit? the price of it? Is that I had built my identity, my life around drinking, around the character I had become in that process.. But guess what!

My lady says this to me just as much as I start to understand it... This is the transformation of my life! Being accepted into College having all the funding for school, for my living situation and everything is the beginning of the beautiful process of my life being transformed into a great glorious future.

As I enter into school, enter into the process of school so be the beginning of a fresh start in my life. As clearly as my new tattoo reminds me of the reason I choose life, the things I had to give up, so also this large scar that took 34 stitches in my left arm would remind me of the future.
remind of the price I have paid to my life. price I have paid to everything! I could've jeopordized my life, my future, I could've continued on the destructive path but I knew it was not meant for me. My life is now moving forward!
This Thursday is the new beginning of the future for me. An opportunity to prove to others and to myself what kind of person I am.. What kind of person I've been all my life hidden beneath all the destruction, all the walls, under the hard surface.. Ive been here all along.

I look forward to writing again about the opportunities that I will be getting into as I start school, and process the news as I continue on with this chosen lifestyle of mine. I want to thank all those who prayed for me, those who believed in me, and those who stood by me in the darkest of my times, and the hardest of times, with the glory seeming so far. I see it so clearly now and Im ready to move forward in my life! Thank you my lady for truly exceeding my expecations of what I figured all people were, and for proving me wrong time and again! I love you!

Thanks for listenning! NEVER GIVE UP! FAITH! BELIEVE! It only takes one person to believe in you! and when that happens the FAITH rises in you and you become what was there all along!


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

moments to reflect

It's fall almost! I start College next week.. A part of me is still loving it but still waiting for it to fall apart..I think because of the person I am I think I'll have that part of me until my counselor, and supports help me get through that. I found a place to live... too... that starts this week...

To imagine the new beginning you know? To freshly say without lying without fear that i have not cut or been drinking.. This is a big step for me... I honestly couldn't imagine how I've come this far you know? How did I do this? no no wait.. No matter what parts of me of everything there is always the part of me that keeps the faith in God, in the creator for all thats happened.
Whenever I thought of giving up this last month I just said if it's meant to be it'll happen. and it did! The new beginning is a fresh scars...but fresh start... this is something I always wonder you know? the scars... I mean if I could take away all but one..I'd do it... my tattoo artist said in two years he'll cover them for me... I cried just hearing that...

I've been through a lot the last few days...even... I had temptation, desires...frustration. and just a lack of perseverance on my side...but when I looked at my tattoo...looked at this constant reminder of everything...I was able to stay okay... there's got to be more you know? I couldn't just get where I am now and just give it all up? What's the point? but Im starting to see the pattern in my life, the opportunity to break the chains that have been tied on me... break the patterns, break this life of whatever it is that's trying to hold me refuse to let go!
I must say...though.... there is a cost to all of it... the cost is small..seldom.. but the feeling of it is greater!

You know when I was drinking, when I was cutting...people just conformed to my way of life you know? they didn't judge me for it maybe they did but not to my face...people accepted me and all my faults...I wasn't told how to live my life, or given a guilt trip for cutting... however you know.. these people though...these friends of mine that were by my side...were all my drinking buddies, everyone I met in the last near two years of my life...were all the people I bought drinks with, shared stupid stories, and just foolish ways of life... The walk to Victory is hard enough as is... but when I feel like I've lost everything... I lost my friends... I know that they may not have been that great in their own lives, but the fact's just hard to see myself moving forward when I see all these people...
The lives I had changed in the short-time I knew these have to move on.. to refuse to run out at the call of duty for a friend in say no... to focus on myself, my safety and well-being.. that's a really tough thing for me..... To spend the weekends hearing about parties, dances, brawls, and all that stuff...that I've missed out makes me miss it for a short time.. you know?

I know that my life is meant to move forward! Im meant to do great things! I know this... please don't remind me of it! I just feel a piece of me being torn in two as I move forward and I am forced to let those I met leave them behind...only can pray they would hold on long enough till I can get to that place of being able to help them find their way, or even as I continue on..maybe that's their time to prepare for being ready...
I never thought of that...but honestly I think of that love my life... The reason no.. it's not easy I dont think for me on any point is it ever easy for me to let go of anyone in my life. anyhow for me to let go of that love is to say... you know if its meant to be...he's got a lot to deal with in his time and maybe that's what he's doing? and if I find him in the future...great! but if not.. well I had been loved by someone really awesome...and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember that beautiful love!

Anyhow... as for my buddies...I know... that I have to let them go... i just... I just hope that it'll be okay you know? as much as we were drinking together...we also had some great times together, whether we were drunk or not... I made some good connections there and to let that go... it's not easy..

I feel like Im complaining about not being messed up any longer... it's not that though... it just seems more bland you know? I had a lot of excitement in that lifestyle.. that now that I am not there any longer... my life seems to just just be.... i dont know how to explain it...that's one reason Im happy to be entering in this College is that Im hoping to meet some really awesome people you know? new connections...people who have the same desire of change, and are able to stand on their own without the drinking...

I dont know if I make sense...but letting go of the past.... letting go of those days... is never an easy thing especially when I miss it as much as I do... to be invited out... soon enough I wont have time for that...and Im waiting for that because I really want to stay on the right track you know? I dont want to go that way in my life, I dont want to end my life... I never did...I was just in that place for that time... and now Im not's great...

Either way I start school next week...and look forward to it!