struggle to breath

I'm on edge... it's super lame to say. That I feel like I can't turn to anyone. I don't have that friend that makes me feel better, I don't have that friend that I can lean on for anything  

Alls I have is people who constantly disappointed me. An yet in all my bs. If they no when they call I always show up. 

I really want to stand on my own without anyone. Without needing anyone. But we are emotional beings. We need an desire that connection. An because I've had it once. I'm addicted. Well actually it's out of my system but I want it. 

I want to hang out. Chillin in the sun. Going for long drives. Making plans. Following thro with plans.

Every time something comes up in my current week. I'm lashing out. Strongly desiring that release...

The release from something that is bubbling over. An I'm trying so hard to hold it. But everything is setting me off. To point. I'm now at a head space. That maybe...the world would have been better off if I hadn't survived.

An I have to slap myself in the face.

Cause I'm here for this kid...

Fuck.

But I just i just want to climb a mountain an scream. Jump off a bridge an survive. I want to go back to living. Not being so terrified about the dangers of outside. 

I'm so not in the right head space.

I feel myself desiring to cut. To hurt myself. I think because I did that a couple weeks ago that I've put that desire back in my life an its so absolutely hard to let go of. Especially because I didn't tell anyone what I did. I of course wore a bandage. But no one who actually cares noticed. An anyone who did notice was too scared to confront me on that. 

I dont know what I need  I need reason. Purpose. Or a friend to call up. 

You know when I was with my partner or my former friend. We were able to shoot the shit on the phone. We were able to talk about nothing an everything an enjoy that an even tho I'm not always with them. I'd love to be. But ..

I'm feeling stressed. An my temper is shorter. An everything is itching to piss me off. 

I need to release all my aggression. Or whatever this thing that is inside of me that is clawing for the surface. Clawing to break free from the chains I've held it down in all this time.

I'm struggling. Struggling to live. Struggling to breath. I need idk.  To break free