Thursday, October 27, 2011

You hold the key


It's been forever since I've written mainly because I no longer have much computer access, and also because I'm working full-time and overtime hours these days.
I'm happy to report something that has had me dumbfounded for so long. My father's death anniversary is today... And you know I noticed a difference in my life since a year ago!? A year ago I spent the whole month depressed, broken, lost even.. However in all of my own life.. The first time ever in my entire life of not having my father, I didn't get depressed, or drink or anything wreckless... I acknowledged his death, his life and I honored him in my own way, but I did not let his death anniversary pull me down.. This is the first time I felt whatever I needed to feel even though I love my dad and miss him beyond words, and wish so much that he were here.. I have been able to move forward and honor him, never forget about him, but not let his death control my life, my feelings or anything.

Other than that I am working alot as I said I am working full time.. I am still working on the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver, and I am working with people who have struggled with homelessness, or addictions, I have been able to be someone there who says "you matter" I do this by being there everyday, and being as friendly as I can, and listening to them cause they matter too.
As for my relationship after a year and five months we are still together, we stopped celebrating anniversarys as it seems remembering these anniversaries has caused some drama, like we either have no money, or we both forget, or just something dramatic, or we break up and get back together and just the whole nine yards of the weirdest craziest best hard relationship I've ever had.. We are still living together and although our six month lease is up the end of this month, it seems like we are gonna stay and try continue to build a home together.

You know... I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about the past.. As I see the people I work around, the enviroment it brings a sense of accomplishment, not prideful but grateful that I am who I am, that I never had the struggle with these kinds of addictions or struggles. I dont know how i got where I am.. My partner said to me lastnight that the reason I am not the way every first nation person has ever been, is because I'm lucky, that I somehow found a way, a rare egg lmao. I know that without a doubt.. Something happened in my life and yet continues to happen in my life?!
I mean I remember the two years ago I tried to commit suicide I believe twice in one year, or the other incidents that happened in my life. It took this as my rock bottem for me to move forward and see that I have purpose and I may spend my whole life trying to define that purpose but I'm moving forward with out turning back. Not to say I am perfect, I have had my set backs and I am afraid of the future but I am more determined to live, appreciate living, and share my history of my life with those who struggle you know?!

I have felt broken at times and I have felt sad.. with my work I find that I may meet someone and know them for a few months or even few weeks, and than suddenly they are no longer in the world, they pass away.. And it's hard on me but Im learning that sometimes it just takes one person to make a difference in someones life... I knew that about two years ago from my BFF, but to live that kind of lifestyle.. Well it seems it takes me forever.

Im happy to report I seem to be finding my way in someway!

I have missed my family, my friends... and I have missed my social networks, social life.. But that I am moving forward, and Im taking care of my responsibilites.. I am doing what I must to keep on keepin on!

I miss writing more than anything in the world but I had just wrote a long ass email to my BFF so I don't feel like writing much more!! but I am grateful for who I am and what I've done, and hope to find my path, and what I'm planning on doing with my future! I am still trying to find a University that I want to attend, and I am still trying to figure out what my career would be,I always thought I knew, but I guess when you think you know something it all falls apart and lets me be more open to any an all opportunities of the future!

Thanks for listenning!

R.I.P Daddy! <3 <3 <3 you are never forgotten!

Another 24hours

Much love <3 <3 <3