I have been going back to old habits. An recently thought what would my life be if I went even further.. in sense of when I was younger. I had smoked weed. Lol or drank regularly.
To now.. I dont do either. But a strong urge to be able to rest. Or enjoy myself. A night out. A day to be worshipped all on my own.
But its not possible.
I have so many trust issues with everyone in my family. I realized by my brother. He told me while my mom was here she went thro all my paperwork. Like mail. Or notes. Or anything that was left visible.
Makes me realize my mom probably was the type who read my journal. Lol
Regardless... I have to always feel like I'm on guard at home. I have to ensure I hide all paperwork. Anything that hints at anything in my life. Because for real. She has two other children whom I will never have a relationship with an I honestly hate them both.
An my mom has a relationship with them. Like she talks to them an hangs out with them an would most definitely talk about what I have been up to.
An I want none of them to be allowed to know me. An so I'm constantly hiding myself from my mom.
An this week.. I have to rely on my mom for watching my kid after school because I am beyond exhausted but I don't have enough time off to skip out two hours early cause my kid school ends at 3.
I can hardly believe the life I'm living...
I feel great an exhausted at the same time.
Meaning....finding myself in a position of being a mom has been great. I love loving my kid. I love creating memories with him.
But I'm exhausted...alls I'm doing is working to ensure roof stays over our head. Working to ensure he has clothing. An shoes etc.
This feel like the first year. That I'm not focused on myself like buying my name brand clothing shoes. Getting my hair done.
I literally cannot remember the last time I bought myself shoes or clothes. I know when I asked my friend or my partner to get me clothes. But never myself getting things myself.
Because all of my finances goes toward my kid. Keeping him happy an content.
Lately... idk.
I'm struggling... I'm struggling to see purpose. Why do I do these things. Why am I living this way. Why am I allowing people to be in my life that literally take control over me. Or keep me hanging by s thread.
I know.. or I believe I'm still alive to be here for my kid. But at the same time. I'm struggling to see where I belong. Will it get easier. Will I survive this. Can I get thro this. Cause another part of me. Wants to run. Get away from the things that are holding me down. Keeping me in the deep end of it. Because I feel like one final straw. One final week moment an who knows what could happen.
I miss so much. I miss my partner. I miss our life together.
How can it all have turned out this way an can we make it back. Do they even want to get that life with me back.
I'm struggling... suffering in silence. An I'm taking it out on myself as well. An I want to go deeper than that because it's not enough relief for me anymore.
