Which is crappy to do here. But... it's lingering
A week ago... my kid grandpa showed up for the holidays. An my kid loves him. Absolutely loves him.
Every time...
Every second
Every pain
Every trauma...
Every history I think I've forgotten....rushes back Every time I see him.
I dont know if my memory is accurate... but what I recall. Is that my mom cheated on my dad with this guy.
Not to say my dad wasn't out there doing who knows what. I only know what I saw while living with my mom.
An when my dad died...
This guy got my mom pregnant.
An while she was pregnant... he neglected us. He refused food to us. Refused to let us speak to our mom.
An on several occasions got into physical abuse with my mom an my sister. My sister was also eight months pregnant.
I remember telling my mom I'm hungry. Or we needed food. As he laid hrr up in hrr room an kept the door shut. An my mom wouldn't come. She didn't care.
An there was an occasion not long after my dad died.
From what my memory serves. He found out she was with someone else. An was broken-hearted
An not long after he ended up dead in the dtes in stall in hotel.
Anyway
This guy...this guy who was with my mom
He would say horrible things to us. He refused to feed us. An he would lock us away from our mom. An one time.. he said. "Maybe I should go stick a needle in my arm end up like your dad"
An that has stuck with me .
I've never had to see this man as an adult. An I honestly grew up with so much hate in my heart. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to beat him up. An when I became an adult. I realized how tiny this guy is. He cannot overpower me. An More so..both my brothers are like 5'10 idk an 210lbs. Their big guys. Who would never let anyone hurt Me
But when we were kids...
When we were kids.. this guy hurt me. He hurt me in scars in my heart that have never healed.
An now 15-20 yrs later.... my kid is calling him grandpa. An I love you grandpa
I'm trying not to kill him. Trying not to hate him.
Karma had found him. An he is disabled to point if he had to go around a block an come back. He would get lost at the corner an who knows what.
Like seriously disabled.
So.. for me...
He is still that monster. He is still a target of all my trauma. Apart from the trauma before him.
I hadn't as far as I remember... seen a man hit a woman until him. An he was violent. He was aggressive. He was horrible.
An seeing him now..he's tiny. Fragile. An worthless.
But he makes my kid happy..
.so
I fight thro my urges to smile an say hello. But man it's hard life.
Cause he brings it back like insanity. I hate him. An cannot ever forgive him for the pain.. Torment.. torture. An neglect he put us thro.
