Its been a long time.... I kind of haven't found the time or want to have the time to sit an write.. but my heart is full of whatever and I have to say it before anything else..
the past 15 months of my life I have given to this kid... not my kid.. my nephew... I decided to take him on full time.. and at first I had no idea it would be this long! when we orginially discussed this it would be only 3 months..
instead his mother... decided to go down a different path.. I had not seen her for a long time.. I ended up finding out that she's been using drugs.. not only that but that she is getting so deep into drugs that she's losing herself.. losing weight, losing family, friends, her desperation that she has when she is asking for $5.
I spent my time taking care of her son... routine and consistency which I read helps his development an for him to have a routine etx.
When he was born.. I knew I wanted to become a parent.. I knew that I wanted to be someone like this.. how beautiful it was to watch him come into the world.. how amazing it was for the last 18 months watching him grow..
regardless when he was placed with me.. it was hard at first... I had to leave my job.. I had to risk everything I had to be there for him.. and no doubt I would do it again.. but I just am sad... sad that his own mother is making the choices she's making.
I'm trying to stand strong an be there for him.. love him as though he were my own son, or hear him call me mama.. when he started this at first I was excited.. just for him to acknowledge or understand that I was here for him the way a mother is.
I tried for months with his mother.. battling her and her own demons.. asking her to just sign him over to me.. so that I could move on with my life without all this worry and looking over my shoulder to see if she was gonna clean herself up.. all her games... at first she would say yes she would and then she would change her mind lat minute. I finally gave up!
I said if an when this happens I'm not gonna worry.. it will be as it should...
then I got the email, or call.. things were going to change... I had another home visit with a social worker, and I was given court documents basically stating what we all knew was coming..
However... for some idiotic reason I decided to ask for a letter of support.. under the circumstances that his mother, is drinking, using drugs and throwing her life away.. maybe one day she will get better or maybe she will smarten up.. but maybe that would take her 15 yrs to beat.
I know addiction all to well.. I know how it sinks its teeth into the vulnerable.. and I know the pains that she would be feeling if she didn't get her hoot? hit? bump? whatever it was.
regardless.. its been almost a year since I seen her.. and when I finally did this past weekend... my heart dropped.. I wanted to grab her an slap her in the face and tell her to wake up.. her and I had this conversation already... about how she looks.. I hadn't actually seen her, but I imagined the addiction controlling her life..
anyway when I seen her... I just heartbroken.. how can she be so taken.. so broken? so easily giving up on herself.. on her kid.
I have supported so many people in my life, some who battle addiction.. and it's hard as is.. but when it's someone who is related to me.. its heartbreaking...
I could show you a picture of her a year ago! compared to today and you would be astonished how quickly she has deteriorated..
Anyway off topic.. regardless I decided to ask for a support letter.. agreeing that the temporary guardianship is the right move for the kid.. and instead the response was that no matter what I do the kid will always be returned to the mother... its the obvious solution.
As much as this is true! according to these experts... think of the word mother... maybe not in the literal sense of birth of the child.. but in the definition... this kid has been with me since he was 3 months old... growing up thinking I am his mother..
they talk about returning him one day! maybe maybe not.. but what is best for the kid? can I give him a good life? could I be there for him forever? could I love him unconditionally without limits etc? could I see him going an finishing school? or at least of all things grow up without the drugs and alcohol the way I did.
I mean reality is I did tell his mother the day she cleans up does well with her life.. I will give him back... I do want her to have a good life and a chance at giving him a great life.. but that was before i seen what I have seen now.. its hard to see that she will ever be in a place that would be good for him..
I guess I just need to adjust my thinking and focus on him and what i can impact in his life right now or in the near future. even if I can guarantee to love him forever, or be there for him forever I feel like thats enough? even if he's not with me forever. he is because Im still related to him and maybe one I will be close with his mom again, once upon a time.. she and I were close.. I remember the day she was born.. she helped change me.. just by being born.
anyway thats another story.. I just having hard time living in the now.. I want to see the future or know it all now rather than waiting.. ahaha
