silence...

It's killing me to hear the nothing.... to recognize how much someone doesn't matter in someone else's life. That their Meer words no longer hold the same value. 

I'm still feeling like she wants me here an says shit like I'm the only reason she is still here. But really how "here" am i if we have only seen each other 3 times in the last month. 

For someone to matter or have value it should be more than this.

I tried to think of all the times where I had treated people like this or something of the sort. How can I be the one deserving of this treatment. After being flooded with so much love an happiness. So much joy an content to be completely void. Blank. Blind to all the things that matter

I'd love to say it's just my relationship I'm talking about. But when I apply this to all the things in my world. I see the pattern of what I've allowed other people to do to me. Treat me. Under value me to choose when to be in my life and only when it's convenient for them. 

I've had enough of this from everyone.. I feel destructive an its not even toward anyone but myself how could I let myself be this willing to sacrifice so much of myself for others. Etc. 

I feel like I'm close the door of those people in my life. An its becoming recognizable that I'm not allowing the behavior to continue. An yet here I am still alone an still not having people willing to be there for me. 

How much I miss my friend. Who actually made time. To text. Call. Show up an hang out. 

And now I've got nada.

An if nada or people taking advantage of who I am. Ya I'd rather be alone. Yes I need new friends. I need things to focus on. An then I realized it even happens at my job. To allow them to under value my years of service. And treat me like this. 

I want to leave the job. Why have I pUT up with so much in my life. 

Then it comes down too.... wanting pain. Wanting to hurt. An wanting to die. Because even tho I hate everything that happened or what I let happen. If I walk away it's like only one door to go thro an it would be the door to death because i couldn't imagine ugh

I need to break the cycles but I'm in this one. An I have no one to ask how to get out. I dont have capacity to be willing to change or grow. Lol

Idk.. I'm losing my mind. And I'm hurting beyond measure.