Sun will always shine

 I may as well enjoy my moment by writing about it.. for the first time in a few days I've come out of my darkness,  a part of me feels like it was the full moon effecting my brain cells, who knows... it makes no difference in the shitty hand I've been dealt

knowing more and more that I am the problem in the relationship, it's hard to say that because we got somewhere no one had ever been before, and as much as they said we were done, the reality was 3 days earlier we just devoted love, she made all these promises to me. so I don't believe we were done, I think she's hurt, continued to feel hurt and that is my doing.. because Im hurt.. I had all these stupid plans to bring up on our BS walk that never happened, I came up with ways for us to spend time together etx.

but yes it's all garbage now... I have to daily make that choice to let it go... to let her go, adn to know that even though we aren't together, there is always love... always love.. she loves me. and I love her. and even though our love may not be enough for what we each are going through, we care... and love one another, and maybe that's why we are staying apart. 

regardless I am focusing on myself, except it's hard... it's hard because every single time my phone dings, rings, vibrates, my heart skips a beat as I hope it's her... 
I hate that someone or several people told me to message her.. Believe me I WANT TO SOOOOO BADLY> but I don't know how to help her get past the hurt, I don't know how to make us grow from that, because we were so fucked. 

anyway I don't wanna write about that... I was driving today.. damn the beauty in the sky, the beauty in the mountains, all's I could see was her face, and wishing I could share that with her, wanting to message her and say babe lets go for a walk today, but I didn't, I couldn't... cause so many other times I had woken up and like I had said I didn't feel the warmth of the sun, I couldn't feel her love, and that wasn't her fault, that was me... me in my own fucked up head, in all my brokenness.. 
regardless I can only hope she'll forgive me one day, and that she'll meet the me she met when we got together, because I got crazy, and I got psyhotic and that is some of who i am, but the person i am today is me... 
Makes me honestly believe maybe i havd BPD but that's just me thinking out loud, and until I get the help I need I am good to no one..

believe me I want her back, I want us to grow, I want us to celebrate for a long time, cause we have a love like no other... but I know that isnt enough, and she needs more I need more, we need commitment, communication, devotion, stability, balance etx. we need to openly communicate our boundaries, our desires, our wants, needs, and everything... 

sorry it's not supposed to be all about her and i.. but today is a feeling I missed... and I believe the moon had effect on me, because online everyone seemed to go through a break up unexpectedly because maybe we got effected by the universe, as I told her the universe hates me, and def doesn't want me to be happy, and then I sabotaged it all in fear... but today fear has no hold on me, and as you wait and see.. I'm coming back with strength like no other, and hope you can see that... and hope you'll talk to me again.. because I miss your smile, ,your voice... your hand in mine.. but maybe it's over, and if its over.. I'll NEVER wish the universe to hate or hurt you, you've had enough from the world of shit, just need love, just devotion, just need someone to stand by you, and I'd love to be that for you but maybe it's not true.. but for me in this time it's my truth.. but I'll only put it out there, and one day maybe you'll hear it..

but the sun will always shine, and on days like today.. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do, because the warmth of the sun melts the cold hearted soul I've been for days... except even though I've been this, I never wished pain on you, I never wished to cause you harm... I love you and no one does that to anyone they love. 

KEEP MOVING FORWARD #KMF 

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text never hit send

 I wish I could tell you how much I love you, not the sappy love, but the real love that rides or dies together, the love that conquers all. I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, and how much the only memories flooding my brain are the ones you laughing and being cheerful about dropping me like I never matter, after confessing stuff of never giving up on me, being there when no one else has been. I miss the way your lips felt against mine, I miss the way you snuggled me at night, I miss waking up and seeing your beautiful face, I miss trying to be a better person that could love you in a better way. I'm scared because the only reason it all fell apart was because I was scared to be happy, I was scared to be content, I was self sabotaging everything, and I pushed you to the breaking point, and I pushed you too far, that I deserve the painful goodbye you gave me. I'm scared because I was letting you in, and maybe you realized the demons in my life were too crazy, maybe I was to crazy. you turned into my safe space for the first time since we got together, and for anyone who's anyone coming to that place of openness was hard for me, and maybe you don't see what I see, or felt, and maybe I should have been more open about telling you that, but I felt like we had a break through, and then next thing the world came crashing down. Im trying so hard to not pick up the phone and reach out, because Im trying so hard to avoid the darkness, avoid the person I used to be, the one that's whispering in my ear about how no one stands by me, and this is exactly what I deserve. 

I'm trying to hold onto the precious moments we had, we only had a few but it's all I got to keep me up, to keep me from going back to the place I don't want to be... 
I'm hurting. I'm overflowing with pain and torment, that I got dropped like this and it doesn't even affect you, it doesn't even phase you, as I sat here crying  all day, feeling every piece of my heart that was mended while we were together just to have it all fall apart again. 

Im sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I reacted instead of took a breath and responded. I'm sorry that I was psycho, and that i didn't let myself take a breath. I know you needed me, needed love, needed reassurance, and instead I reacted to the things that were said and it prevented the love to seep through my soul, and then I woke  up and lost you, or according to you I lost you awhile ago, but I don't believe that to be true. 

I had high hopes for longer than this, I had high hopes and desires for the future, I remember when you had said when we together in the summer, and I was blown away that you would have thought we'd even make it that long, 
I don't need to question where we went wrong because I know where I went wrong, and I know if I let you in on everything, we wouldn't be here right now. 

I got nothing but love for you, even through all the pain, all the daily torture, for all the needs, and desires, and wants, and yearning, longing, I still got love for you, forever in my heart you will remain, even if you'll never speak to me, or see me again. you are forever engraved on my soul because you taught me so much, I wish I could have had more teaching, I felt I had a lot to learn from your powerful spirit and soul, your strength, your commitment,and devotion, but of course I am me... and this me fucks it all up over something stupid... 

goodbye my lovely one and only 

detrimental

 So I guess we finally had it out.. it really sucks because I just sent an email stating that I was happy, and how hard that was for me to accept.It was pretty terrible to believe that all my happiness feels like a curse or something. I have always felt like that, and I've put that in the universe and been hurt a lot because of it.

My partner ex partner.. has been dealing with a whole mulitiude of items in her life but that I was not helping her, I was causing her more stress, and I don't know if she actually cared about me at all.. I guess I won't ever know.

SO her mental health, I bought a book very overwhelming book that I clearly didn't even get anything from it, I just created more problems for her. 

she had recently gone into hospital for hit to the head, falling somewhere, and she had a concussion, and I was being supportive but not the way she wanted it? I don't know. 

so then it just been downhill yesterday.. it was a hard day I let her in a place no one else had ever been, and to me it was a beautiful thing and it gave me that desire to trust her more, but I guess i should have told her that.

She ended up in the hospital last night because instead of taking care of herself, or listening to anyone who has a MD she just kept at it and caused herself pain, so I tried to talk too her... and we ended up arguing because she started joking about dying, or feeling like she was, and that bothered me because a brain bleed, or hit to the brain can be serious.. 

regardless we got over that, but then I don't know where it went wrong but things started going downhill, and out of the blue she asked me to go pick her up so I left immediately not fully understanding her texts. by time I got to where she was, i messaged her, and she had said she wasn't leaving the hospital, I sat by this place for 30 mins and it frustrated me. cause I was exhausted and tired adn so I reacted.. I snapped.. after she said I love you, I said "fck your love" and that was all I said.. 

my drive home was 10 mins, and in that 10 mins she got upset and by time I got home I explained what happened, but by then it was too late, and she just wasn't responding, and I thought it meant she was done being with me so I said for her not to show up at my home as she has spare keys, and i said I'll meet her downstairs and hand her her stuff she can give me my house keys, and she messaged this morning how happy she is that I ended it, and that she had wanted to end it but wanted me too

so all this time I been trying to get her closer in my life, and trying to find ways for us to get out and spend time together, she had been pulling away on purpose, hurting me emotionally each day, and i caught it but I thought it was just because she's in pain right now, and is not taking care of herself. 

so I thought this weekend we can I don't know do self care, or something because she's been working, living, going overboard even her doctor admitted, so it was a lot going on that I had to consider and worry about. 

I guess I pushed too far, and I just hurt her or made her feel whatever and she just finally gave up.. 

Ive felt like it was going to happen because of the way our lives were heading, I was struggling to say I love you at our goodbyes, I wasn't feeling the love from her and it was hurting me, and I was coping in negative ways an it was destroying me as a person.

I write this with a clear head that I see it but deep down.. I'm crushed. I fell for this loser, I loved her, and am/was willing to go whatever mile that was needed of me to help her survive whatever she was going through. I was willing to stand by and let her hurt me but to help herself do better. and that was only hurting me and it started to show with my coping mechanisms. so I guess its ended for the better, 

but its yet another person that she is let down, and that I am let down by. I don't understand what is going to happen, how i'll get through this, I messaged someone about what is self care but haven't heard much, I'm super hurt by what she had said, and how cold hearted she was acting, it makes me think it wasn't her but who knows right. 

so I guess just move forward from here. and maybe find my way through my own darkness again because I'm feeling like I'm drowning here and I miss her so much even though she did very little for me, it was the connection to an understanding that I didn't have with anyone else. can only hope for the best and move forward... learn from my own brokeness, get my own help again because I was so psycho here and I knew it, and she let me be that. and it hurt that we were where we were, adn she was holding this all in and her body was reacting to it.... finally makes sense...

Anyway it hurts. Im hurt. Im feeling pretty shattered... 

I wish only love and happiness in her future, there is no room for pain, we've already been there, felt that and dealt with that everyday. I have been down in the gutter for so long, hurting so badly it has been super painful to get up everyday, yesterday I said it was her and my son who kept my heart beating, and she liked that, as that the cheesy stuff she liked, and when she messaged me that, I gasped for air because it hurt that much that my heart stopped, but there's nothing I can do. I want to chase her, find her, and love her but reality is she doesn't want that from me. I want to support her, and care for her and love her and force her to take a break and get herself under control, in my brain her body is reacting to her overworking herself, and not taking that break, not taking care of herself. 

but maybe it's a lie maybe it was just me that did that to her. 

she got what she wanted. she hurt me beyond repair, and I'm forever branded with that love we had for that short of time, I don't regret it, I just keep moving forward and hope that one day if we see one another agian, we can see one another with love and compassion, no hate, we both helped one another in different ways.. maybe it was lie for her but it definetly was not one for me. 

Wasting my time

 I'm so amped up with frustration now and I really miss the ole days when I can talk to someone on the phone, that I didn't have to guess what we were talking about in a text or whatever. 
I seriously feel like garbage. I cannot express it enough how shitty I feel,and how hard the last 24 hours have been, and how vulnerable I was, and am. I feel like garbage. and I am starting to do what I always do and that's push the people I love away, and that's the time I need them close.. but of course nothing ever works in my favor unless I actually voice it. 

so I won't voice it because I don't want to need anyone, all day I've been reading about how we need to be strong on our own, and that it's not ok to lean on others, I need the support, I'm not happy to hear that asking for simple things like reassurance is such an issue for some. it bothers me because I have been pretty clear from the beginning, and I was pretty clear that I'm crazy, and yet here I am. struggling so much more than I ever have in mylife, and feeling completely shattered in every piece, not just my heart but my entire fuckin body. I am struggling to breath, I am feeling anxious and it's garbage to make me feel that way, and to not even care enough to call. 

I'm currently listening to my song about giving up on someone because they are saying nothing and that's exactly what I feel, and that is super shitty because maybe I didn't give it my all, but I was pretty clear every step of my shitty way what I was going for, and I was honest when I needed to be. but it's just more and more the walls are crashing down, the love is fading? does love fade? actually yes love fades especially when your not equally molding it, or taking time to keep it real, and then you wonder why I say the illusion of love, because I was loving, but I wasn't feel the love. and then you wonder why I'm lashing out because yes I am hurting, but I am also demanding something. 

I'm super hurt. I'm super frustrated... I literally spent teh night thinking about what if.... what if this that an the other thing, what if the worst possible things happen, and their sitting there laughing at my pain, and its encouraging my shitty behavior, and i'm breaking... like shattered glass all over my heart, like on that show, that tiny piece of shrapenal that is destroy someone blood flow that they no longer can have a beating heart, because as much as you got it all, you missed the tinest piece known to anyone, but it was in the specific artery that pumps the heart.
THat's how i feel... I'm dying slow painful death, because I'm being hurt more and more, and it's killing me to feel this shitty all the time 

I was willing... damn I was willing to give up my whole world, to love without limits, without judgements without question. I was willing to go above and beyond any love has ever gone before, and I was willing to stand by you when all others bailed, when the only poeple willing to stand by you were paid to do so, I was willing to be there for you, this love, my love uncondtional and instead I got treated htis way, I got hurt this way, adn like any person who is smart, and says enough is enough. 

Im fucking dying, and I am hurting, and I am crying adn your so wrapped up in your own self that you can't hear me calling u. that' hurts.
Im hurt. I'm hurting and I Don't fckin know where to go from here. this is such bs I cannot explain it enough. 

Losing reality

 So I don't know how important it is to read but I've been doing that a lot lately, no not just bs from Facebook, or whatever social media or the news has to say. I've really decided to go into these places of e books, to not only learn about the world, but myself, and my relationships. I felt pretty crappy because honestly it's felt like I've been hit with a huge dose of reality and it hurts, and not being able to share that with anyone, or my reasons behind why it hurts well that hurts just the same.

I've been trying to "better" myself if that makes any bs sense, I believe that we can grow, and I can grow, in the very short few months I've seen my faults and where I am lacking in lots of stuff, I've also pressured myself into anxious situations and sometimes been ok. 
But I haven't reached out for support or help from those that I love, or those that are close to me, the reason for this is vulnerability, or giving them an idea of what my reality actually is? Does that make sense 

I've always been afraid. sometimes I'm afraid to be afraid, to have my insecurities, or have those that love me hurt me and not even know it or care, and that sucks but that's also a choice I've made for myself, I cannot expect people to read minds, and know everything that I'm doing, or thinking. 
I have felt like I tried.. I tried to be open, or ask for help and each time I've been shot down by them, it's like they aren't reading between the lines, they need the "I need help now" rather then listening to me and my text/voice or lack there of, and that really sucks, 
with all of this it has me it has me reading these things that I've read and realized what I've gotten myself into, and how lack of communication there is not just on my own self but them. 

we have all the bs words of the world to speak of "love" but when it comes right down to it I don't feel it any longer, and I think thats on me because I haven't voiced how much it bothers me, and I haven't voiced how rejected I feel to not have that extra 5 mins I had repeatedly asked for, and i realize the reason is because some people respond and go with change, and there are those that cannot change, and they end up dragging it out until what? i don't know. 

but I'm going to do what I can for me, and hope that they will want to be a part of me and my change, but I can't stop my whole life to try caretake, or caregive or whatever it is they are searching for. it really hurt to hear that they had all these ideas of what I've done for them, but when it comes right down to it, why not ask the question what have I done for me. I feel so left behind that I don't think of it as being on the rollercoaster any longer... like I've jumped off and I'm watching from the platform as they go on their own barely realizing that I'm not there with them. 
to me that speaks volumes.. and that's hard to say 

I have been super wrong before but I just feel like a secret lover, someone hidden at home that when they "feel" like letting me into their lives I'm there, or when they know I feel like how i feel right now, they say the bs "ILY" stuff and then I'm back to thinking that change is possible.. Its like that story... holding the rope I'm burning my hands, trying to hang onto someone, who doesn't want me to hold on, and I'm the only one getting hurt in this place, and that is affecting me, and my coping mechanisms. 
I never seen this light before but I don't like it and I don't know if it's possible to change it. but alls I can do is step back, and let them figure it out, and if they dont then I'll have my answer...

It has been a beautiful ride that I wanted forever, but I wanted to be a part of the good/the bad/ the ugly, I don't want to be on the sidelines, I don't want to be the only one who's cheering, I want them to desire/want/ yearn for more just as I have. 
I want to feel heard. I want to be able to speak without the judgement, I want to be able to love without the fear of rejection, I feel like I've been held back and put in a place that I do not fit in, and i no longer want to try... I've spent my life in hell. 
i've spent my life not being in love, that now that i am here I want it all or I want nothing at all. because I deserve a great love story, I deserve to be radiant with joy, and I deserve someone who wants to fuckin parade our love around the city and have that love expressed in EVERY way, to want to learn/teach new things, experience beautiful things. I don't like being afraid to say hey lets go for a walk at the water, or hey lets go out for dinner, even though honestly I've said these things in the past and been rejected... 

I'm so losing my reality of the reason why we are where we are, and I'm dipping back into all the places of who I was before, the beast of me, the beast of burden has come to own the game, and they don't see that, they don't see how hard today was for me, and how much I loved what I did and how terrible it is to love something that is so destructive, I didn't think to call anyone, I really didnt because reality is this is my own thing, and a part of me doesn't want that to stop, and I just expect to be loved in spite of the fact that I do what I do, and I just got to get through each day, knowing I'm losing myself, I'm losing the love, and I'm just on the losing team and that has to be ok, because I feel like I can't fight anymore, I can't speak anymore, action is louder than words, and I am done replaying the broken record of my expectations, if they loved me they would have known as I had previously had these bs talks already. and i shouldn't have to ask for it, it should be given without hesitation.

we all deserve love, and we all deserve a great love story, I want this to be it, but I don't know if they are with me on this because right now it doesn't feel like it, and i need to feel that because I'm feeling other things that are going to hurt me more than feeling their love. 

One step at a time

So I don't remember if I wrote about it but I decided to start learning to enjoy the moments that take my breath away, to live in the "now" as my partner often says. I wish it were that easy but I find myself like any flawed human going back to the thinking I once felt before and it makes these moments harder to stay in that. 

you know we talk about leap of faith, trusting in someone when they say they love me, and/or willing to change their lives or hearts or thinking into something beautiful that we can enjoy the moments that are my favorite ones. I day dream a lot about dancing in the living room, I day dream walking down the street holding my partners hand, and i daydream of a future where we can talk/laugh and cry together. where I'm being reached for, loved, desired, and completely found in someone else you know?
I thought today about the beginning

you ever think of when you first met someone? All the excitement of when will they call/text or write. I sat today thinking about the first kiss, the first hand hold and you knew right then and there this was something that wasn't a fling, and that you wanted to be entwined in someone that is so beautiful but also so terrifying.
I struggle daily with thoughts... and i don't mean to but it seems to be my nature to second guess everything, to question every moment, every text, every phone call. and that really sucks. I try to have a life, I try to go out but during a time like this pandemic it's so much safer to stay home, its so much easier too. I've found my anxiety levels start going off the charts when I start allowing myself to get out, this really sucks because I don't want to live in fear, but I also need to find the balance of being ok being outside in the world. 

anyway I struggled today with some things, yet again listening to other people instead of talking to my partner about what i should do, and it really bothered me.. when I finally brought up what i needed to say it didn't feel validated adn I didn't know what to think, and I got scared to question it because I don't want to be someone that can't trusted or whatever, but to me I tried to keep it open and honest and I don't know if I was even heard, and that's the hardest thing about having this communication thing because it feels one sided sometimes and thats funny that of all people it's what I amsaying about it all..

today also promises were written to me.. and I struggled with that because it was beautiful, but like the happiness I worry that I don't know if I can handle it. I want to be all the things that make us great, but I feel like i need to also be accepted as someone who is struggling as well, I am not perfect, and I have a lot of flaws but I am trying more than I ever have, most of my relationships haven't been this intense or love as much as this, I feel like I've only loved one other person and that love has grown into family love, but love nonetheless, and so when I say this is beautiful and lovely, and full of life, full of a future, full of love, I cannot express enough how beautiful, how radiant with joy, how blessed i feel to have found someone, that accepts me adn all my shortcomings, and still wants to lay next to me, still wants to kiss me, it's been a beautiful ride, and i feel like if I died right now... I would feel satisfied and content that I had lived my life to the fullest. I mean of course I want to share the world experiences with my partner, I want to travel, I want to free turtles, I want to swim with the dolphins, sharks, I want to jump off bridges etx, but I also want to live in the moments like these that took my breath away and made me feel alive, to the point that I could accept death if it was asked of me.
I recently got a tattoo of course joker phrase, you know it's easy to say we will die for those we love, some would even say they would kill for those they love, but with all these answers of easy yes, joker said that was too easy, and said will you live for me, as he sacrificed his lover into the toxic whatever, and it was all she had to do was survive the worst moment ever and live and she got him forever. 

I want to live for my partner, I want to die for my partner, I want to be whatever in the moment my partner needs, I want to be that, I want to be their everything, and I want to be worthy of that, and worthy of being worthy of being loved, worshipped and adored. because yes we deserve a great love story at least once in our lifetimes.  

Live in the Now

 So I've been struggling my same bs of not feeling like i can do enough to be what I want and/or need to be, and a strong desire to break down walls or barriers not only in myself but in those I love. I find it very strange to be in love with someone in such a short time, I keep replaying our moments together, and the moments that she may have had that i completely missed. and I just kind of glad honestly because I was all worked up about someone who did not deserve my time of day, and i had to go through that brokenness to be able to be aware that this shit happens, when people play games, and mind F's. 

I found it completely strange when she chose me, and chooses me everyday, I know it's not all about looks, style, money, but at least something more beautiful somewhere, but still chooses me. and it's not because of beauty on the outside but the person I've always been all my life, and the person I continue to be. I find it absoluetly beautiful that we were friends first, that we knew each other on a different level at first because in that way we got to know one another in a different way, usually I'm all about jumping all in, so it's been refreshing that we haven't and are trying to take it slow.
however the love is electric as we call it, sometimes rarely for some odd reason when we kiss its like sparks from electricity get shocked lol. but what I'm saying is the love is strong, the love is what is bound us together maybe for all eternity, I don't know what I mean by that but it doesn't feel like someone I just want to tap and go, or ever give up on, I see her flourishing in a future hopefully with me at her side but I couldn't say for sure.

I recently wrote about leap of faith in this love, and honestly that was a challenge the last few days because it felt like it was like I was being given up, like even though they had said all this I love you, adn the reasons of that love, I still felt like it wasn't enough, because my love language is physical contact, I need the hand to hold, I need the snuggle, I need the kisses and I need those things to feel the love that they had described, and I thought they knew that, but maybe they needed to hear me say it, and in doing so it opened up that door, that door to happiness that we've known so well before.
they decided to share with me how hard it is to be with me because they need the communication, they need that connection and I realize that is true, but that sometimes I am not sure what to talk about, because honestly when I tell people my type of craziness in my head they tell me that there's something wrong with me, or that I shouldn't voice those items because in saying them it will say something about me. now that's hard because I don't want unhealthy.. people talk about this a lot about the boundaries, and unhealthy, and toxic. 

I do not want that in my life, and I don't want that in my son's life. I know toxic, I know unhealthy and I don't want that, so yes we are trying to ensure that isn't us, but what about the "honeymoon stage" how long does that last because I feel like we kind of skipped it, only because of what happened to me, so I feel like randomly I feel like we are there again, when every kiss feels so electric, where every touch sends tingles and such throughout my body, or whatever.
I don't know love all that well to be honest... I have read books, watched bs love stories on love, and I have only experienced the dangerous love (which isn't love) but mascaraed as love. so when I am where I am, and I feel what I feel, it is terrifying... because in that love I am being asked for openness, for vulnerability and I am terrified of those things, because underneath all the facade of these layers of me, I am still that scared little shattered kid who went through hell, and feels like have to fight for love? fight for survival, fight to not become what everyone ever told me I'd be? I don't know

but sometimes I'll look in the mirror and see me, and other times I'll see the "beast of me" and other times I have no idea who i'm seeing. except that I try play like it's me. 

recently as of today I talked about happiness, which I'm sure Ive talked about before, and how terrifying it is for me to be happy. I like the idea of saying shit like satisfied or content, any other word but happy, because when I feel happiness I fear it because I have this notion of happiness that when I choose happiness that bad things follow, and I think because I put that in the universe it happens because I put it out there, I think I need to do something I don't know what, but a way for me to close that door or chapter, and allow myself to swim in happiness, because it's beautiful, the random times ive allowed myself to feel it have been incredible and I want that, but I will need to work on closing the door of why I'm afraid of it, people can tell me I'm crazy all they want regarding my reason for happiness, but that's my truth, my happiness, and that is my life, and one day I'll get over it... 

today I choose to live in that satisfaction of love because for the past nearly 24 hours things have been good, felt good, that every word they uttered to me went straight thro to my soul, and i lavish in that love, because it has conquered all, and it has set me free from my own darkness sometimes, today when I explained that sometimes to break down those walls of the beast of me, all's it takes is one moment of love, whether thats physical, or asking or expressing, sometimes it helps, and sometimes it shakes me from the grips of who I don't want to be, and I have to move forward from that but I also opened that door that I continue to have to close. 

Regardless I feel growth. I feel grown, I feel like love conquers and I feel like we are meant to last, whether that's only temporary or forever, I want to lavish in the love because it makes my world so much more beautiful that i can hardly explain or express it. but I am grateful for the lover of my life because they have been amazing in every way, and I stand by them in every way, because love conquers all, and we will live in the now. 

Give Support

 So I've been lost for awhile, trying to contemplate when and where, how and why, the necessities of life, love and whatever our purposes of the world may be. 

I have no answers in the world and yet I also have a ton of unworthy answers of what to do, how to do, and where to do, and why. but honestly it makes me think of a movie where I watched a man whom fell in love with a girl who was in love with someone else, and he said I have all these options, but whatever option I'll never get you, or some bs testimate to say no matter what I choose right now, I lose you. 

Its a hard reality but it's been on my mind.. because I'm catching myself in a situation where I'm starting to see that I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I want to love whole heartedly, and I feel like for the first time in forever I broke down the walls that have been built up for so long, it reminds me of another show, where he said that he had built a wall around his heart, and over the years it became more fortified and more secure, but for the first time wanting to break down those walls and let someone in. 
and I feel like that, and that is a hard place to be in for anyone who knows me. 

I love so deeply, I care so openly, adn I desire so secretly.. but the desire to let someone into my life in a big way it comes with risk, adn knowing that this one person has the power, the power to guard my heart, or tear me down, adn make me nothing adn that is a hard lesson. I cannot tell you enough how dangerous that feels to me, because some times when I do love, I realize that it gives power, power that someone else may or may not know how to hurt me, and idk. I'm just scared.

for the first time in such a short time, I decided to take the leap of faith, and stop letting my mind play tricks on me but my issue now is where do we go from here.. because I've taken these steps, or choose to take these steps everyday, that I need something in return.. I need to feel like I'm not going to be destroyed, that every fibre of my being will not be jepordized in any way. 
How can someone even love someone, you know I've been reading about love, and recalling all the bs love stories, but reality is how did they know, how do I  know, and where do we go from here. and what will happen to my fragile, shattered mended heart? 

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I'm rambling but it's thoughts in my head because I'm scared, I'm scared that I am putting my faith in someone that may or may not have the right intentions, I do not know, because I cannot see. 
it's lame.. 

I miss the days where we lavished, bathed in the I LOVE YOU, or the snuggles, and kisses. I remember when we even began and those moments where we seen one another looking at one another with deep desire, and I also remember when they first kissed me, and how cute it was, and how in that very moment I just wanted it all. I miss those days, and i think I deserve more days with desire, and love, and acceptance.. Just as I sit trying to understand them, or their issues, or whatver they have going on, I believe I deserve something of the sort that matters... even if that means just them saying I need the extra 5 mins of snuggles today, or wanting more then one kiss. whatvever the case, just something to tell me that I am needed, wanted, or loved.. Cause I'm an idiot who is all about the physical contact for love, and I need that desire or else I go into my head about the not being loved at all, adn then I begin fighting my own demons, and in my own darkness, and I fight to stay alive, fight to not make poor choices, I fight for whatever.. I just need something cause I don't want to lose what we have, but I want what we have to matter enough that the thought of losing me would be more terrifying. 

just don't know what to do, don't know where to go from here, and I just want to be all the good for them, the strength they  need, the love they need, the desire, the hope, the whatever I can be to help them through whatever they have going on.. but I don't feel that way

Leap of Faith

So I've been losing my mind at this idea of things that I've been going through.. I've allowed people who shouldn't matter to me get to me, I've allowed my mind to play games, tricks, and whatever else it's been doing to me... I've been in this idea of illusion? I don't know.. why not write what is real for me. 

I've struggled for the last few days.. struggled because I felt like I was holding onto something without anyone caring, or that it was like tug of war that I was clearly winning because there was no one else at the end of the rope, at least thats what I felt.
For one of the first times ever I felt different.. I let myself leap into something. 

I've been reading, gaining advice (sometimes not the best advice) but I've been trying to find out what to do, how to feel, who to turn too etx. trying to base my situation off of whatever else, you know I can have this problem and 100 different people will have a 100 different ideas of what is going on for me? and reality is if I would have just asked the person that mattered I could have avoided all of this.

so today... while doing everything in my power to listen to others, by not reaching out, not calling, not texting, not even sending smoke signals, brain waves, any energy into the universe because I was scared, I was scared because I was told something that wasn't true but because I didn't talk to many people I believd it to be true. 
so today I finally came clean, and so did my partner. We finally talked, and it felt so good... it doesn't deny what has happened, or what is going on, what we as a couple need to work on, or alone whatver the scenerio may be, but the thing that continued to bother me... 

I'll be honest... the thing that bothered me is that I still felt like I was riding on the last car of a rollercoaster, still feeling like I was being shoved off, while gripping the one handle bar with one or 3 fingers, or whatever is grip to hold onto dear life, but I felt like I was being pushed away, that I was no longer someone who mattered enough, and I allowed myself to feel that way 
but when the truth comes out, when truth is revealed.. no wait... wait..

When I finally had an epiphany. it finally hit me.. which is hilarious because we read about it, we hear about it, we probably know all about it.. and yet no matter what I was still oblivious 
regardless while hearing it, doubting it, and continuing to push away the people who tell me it everyday I still tried to run it over, stomp it, kick it, bite it, burn it, cut it. test it in every way humanly possible but what it finally comes down too... is the leap of faith.. in believing in it even though i don't see it, I don't touch it, but I feel it. and that is more important then losing it because I doubted it.
so for the first time it only took me less than a year, I am taking this leap of faith to enjoy, lavish, and enjoy the love my partner has for me. I don't wanna doubt it, I want to enjoy it, I don't want to push it away, I wanna feel it's ever so beautiful presence in my life 

I don't know if it matters to my partner that I had said that, but it mattered to me in a such a big way because I hear of these moments in the world, where someone just turns a light on, or whatver, and I would rather live with the lights on, and enjoy that love, than being stuck in the dark all alone without that love. 

No matter what darkness we face, no matter what world we live in, I am going to continue to shout it from the roof tops, I'm going to continue to feel it even tho I don't see it, touch it, I know it is there. I know what is real for me, and I will keep that close to my heart. I am truly crazy, I am truly a loser, but I am finally at a place.. where there is beauty

today when we talked... when we were on the phone.. I heard it.. I heard that love.. and i wish I didn't have to hear it on the phone, it was the compromise, the simple moment where my partner let me be who I am, and let me be here for them, and let me feel what I felt, and reassured me where I needed that, adn it was beautiful and I want that to be added to my list of favorite moments with them.. yes I have a list, I also have a list of the important ways they had said they loved me. because Im a loser that way..

but today I am taking the leap.. I am going to go for it.. it terrifies me to say it but it also makes me realize what I had been missing all this time.. and I hope I'm not too late

hanging in there

I dont know what the right choice is. Or maybe i do but I'm fighting every instinct of it because I know what it's like to be alone, to be forced to face the darkness alone. I already repeatedly said I'm not giving up on us. I'm not giving up on you. Just as I've heard you tell me that you've seen potential in me. I see it in you 

Recently we went on a drive. An on that drive I drove by hardware store. That was actually the first time I met you. Was in passing. I knew nothing of you an thought damn. 

But the next time we met idk. I guess we both take time to get used of one another. But once we got there... I still couldn't see that you cared about me in any way. 

Its funny now as I go thro all of our messages an phone calls. Bs love notes. That bs meaning of how I feel about you hasn't changed.

But I'm struggling. I'm struggling because maybe the people who talk shit about me shouldn't matter but they do. An its lame an I'm lame. But if you knew the person I was before I am who I am. It's hard to be remembered of who I was. 

Regardless my only truth that I'm holding. The only thing I know full heartedly is that I am completely in love with you. An although your pushing me away an altho I'm hurting right now. I'll forever stand by you. I wish it mattered enough for you to want to be here with me but it doesn't. 

Remember when we weren't there yet. Where every kiss an every hand hold. Every moment of desire was Beautiful. I miss those days. And I hope we find them because I'm dying without the love. 

I've given up a lot of my own self to be there for you and I don't know whats right or wrong about us. Allegedly you care enough to love me but not enough to let me in.  I don't know what that means. .

I hope to tell the world how much I love you and that I'll never leave you or give up on you. 

I'm sorry for whatever your dealing with an going through but I'll be here whenever your ready to reach out for me..  that will hopefully never change...until then keep your head up an keep moving forward. 

Whether this is truth for you or not. This is who I am. This is what I'm all about. I'll always love deeply. I'll always want an desire you an hope u feel the same. I don't know what to say.... plz see me. Pls tell me you know I'm here. An what I'm ready to give up for u.

what's real

 Had the worst day ever. and it just got worse as time as it should... I repeatedly wait for these days because I know it's bound to happen, to know how little someone matters to anyone. that they can't even ask if I'm ok, or if what I'm dealing with matters. 

or to even be considered to matter to actually talk to me. I'm pretty sure I'm garbage, and I'm treated as such, and only given shit when its trash day, all other times I'm just getting snit bits of shit that matters but doesn't really.

I'm reminded of my shitty childhood, my shitty uprbinging where silence was all I am, I blend so well with that wall beause I'm terrified of being hit, raped, or molested, and yet here we are again. in a place where I'm realizing how little my life matters, or how little I matter to somoene. 

you know how hard today was for me. I doubted my choices all day but I tried to hold true that maybe I matter just a little, just enough that I won't be hurt this way, and yet here I am back where I've always been,and feeling the way I've always felt. 

the expectations of me are higher then ever adn people don't see how hard I've pushed myself, clearly no one knows me and clearly I DON"T matter enough to fuckin take me into consideration. that I'm hurting. I'm struggling, and I want the distraction. I want the need to be needed as I'm living a shitty life of nothing and no one, nowhere. but it doens't matter I guess

YOu know I"m stupid enough to listen to everyone who tells me this that an the other thing and I'm sitting here wondering why I did these things, why did I bother, why can't I just walk away, why can't I just give up on the people who don't believe in me, who don't believe I'm worthy, adn some say it's love, fuck love, this isn't love, if it was love I'd never doubt the way they feel. 
I'm so messed in the head that all the things that are wrong with me are starting to seep through my areas of pain that i've always felt, and no one knows it but me. and that hurts.. that hurts that I can't trust one soul to feel better, to stop me, to make me feel better for one second.

I don't see purpose in my days... Maybe that bitch is right, that this kind belongs somewhere else, because right now I can't see clearly, right now, my heart is filling with tears, and my soul is drowning in the endless oceans of knowing how little i matter. I'm the type of idiot who would sell my soul to anyone to bring them peace or happiness, I'm the idiot who would let somoene else drive my car so that they can find where they are going.

I'm the idiot who believes riding this roller coaster at the edge of the back seat, holding on to the handle bar with one hand while I'm being pushed, I believe it is better than not riding at all, when reality is, the person doesn't want me there, the person is pushing me away and keeping me at very far length, I offer over and over to speak truth but when judgements are spoken about how i feel, ya you won't hear from me, I won't say anything, because that's not how you speak truth when someone is trying to be validated, don't you think i don't know how I"m supposed to feel. but you know in that moment I don't need the judgement, or the bs direction you want me to go, I just want you to let me feel what I feel, and maybe I'll start to feel safe. 

I repeatedly listen to a song, because it's how I feel ALL THE TIME! "Say Something" sung by Kat Dahlia, and its how I feel. because I'm being told to say shit, tell me what the fuck to say! I do nothing, I go nowhere, and i definetly see no one, like most. I'm hiding at home, and I'm afraid of teh world, as well as I have no freinds, and no family. the only frined I have is just as afraid as I am to leave the house, so we talk but not about anything releveant to bring up with anyone else. 
but I'm giving up.. I'm giving up on how I should feel because I'm feeling shitty, and I don't wanna feel shitty, I have spent a lifetime of being less than, unworthy, etx whatever fuckin other words there are, and I don't need that anymore, and so believe me when I say love for you will be forever but the way you make me feel is not loved, not anything that is good for me. and therefore whatever happesn happesn,a dn sure you can blame it on me, i'm used of that by now. 

I just wish.. I wish I could show you the memories that live within my heart that we were good, the memories of being so beautiful, laughter and everything, and how hard I tried to bring that back, how muhc I lived iwthin the warmth of those moments that took my breath awya, and how muhc it soothes this darkness living within me, I believe we all have darkness, we all have doubts, we all have insecurities, but I believe there are memories, moments of strength that we reach onto and hold onto that bring us hope for a better tomororw, and that's what I hold onto with you, is that maybe you'll let me learn or desire to learn or start to do something other then this, because these momenst we've had impacted my life in a way that I'll never be able to explain and I wish I could share, because this is how I know, and believe an feel the love, but I guess I brought this onto myself, and I wish I could go back, go back to a place of laughter, joy, love, the purest form, that i cannot explain fully because those were the moments that took my breath awya, that had me staying up late wondering how I could have ever gotten you, how could I ever have been loved by you for any reason, because although I feel so unworthy of it, it was worth every minute, every second of everyday, and I love that, and I wish I could share those moments more, I wish we could find that, or that I could show you from my brain those moments thna maybe youd believe me, or let me believe in you. 

I want her to be riveted

 I've been in a weird funk lately, reminiscing about my life.. about the person I was and who I thought I was meant to be. 

I can't help but remember everything in my life, all this BS about wanting or believing that I can change the world...or that I was strong enough for anything.. I've repeatedly proven that I am not strong enough, and that I am super fucked in the head.. And that is super shitty.. I feel like no matter how much help I reach out for, how much I try to get the help I need, I just never get there.. it reminds me of the time I was at that place, I always felt like the only reason i got let go is because i was truly a lost cause.. there are people who can be saved and those that cannot.. and I felt like I was one of the cannot be saved so they let me go before I contaminated the rest. 

I am struggling with realizing how much I have lost in my life. Realizing that I actually don't trust that many people, and the people I thought I trusted I actually don't because there are only a handful or less of people who know all the truth there is to know about  me. 
I feel like no matter what people say.. about being able to trust anyone. i feel like it's alie. and i believe this because I've been put in this position so many times, where I pour my love into someone, and then when it comes right down to it, I get that shit I said thrown back at me, along with their remarks about how it makes me an unworthy person. 

I'm struggling because I miss the days. I miss the days I could pick up the phone an hear my best friend lame voice, just hearing her tell me she loved me it was like it calmed every storm, because of all the obstacles and all the people who have come and gone, she was always my lighthouse keeper, she was always my light in darkness, she was always my solid foundation to getting myself up from that darkness

I watched a lame show... well it's not lame.. it's awesome.. one of my favorites.. but it was an episode where he lost his father.. and it just reminded me of what it was like to lose my dad.. you know the world we live in today, you can take pictures, make videos, and voice clips, and everything to remember someone, but at the time when he died I dont think computers were here yet, we still used actual camera with actual film that you would have to get printed. 
and when my mom moved this many times, I guess my personal photo albums got lost or stolen or who knows what, so all's I have are the short memories of my life with him adn those definetly aren't enough. 

I think about making videos... pictures, messages for my kid.. because we never know when our lives will end, and even if we did we probably do everything we could to not have it come true. but if I could I'd tell him I loved him everyday for 365 days a year just so that he can hear my voice everyday, and it will be like PS I LOVE YOU where they had those love letters, but instead of it just being a year, it would be on the significant days, like the 25 bday, or day he graduated or got married or whatever you know. stuff of meaning or whatever 
but that's just me thinking out loud. and sadly hes the only thing I've got.. I mean it's not sad but it's sad that he's the only family I have and want in my life. 

I love my friends and the two brothers who are my family, but overall there isn't any significant thing I've thought of besides the best friend I had mentioned. 
I wish there were more you know.. I wish I mattered, or my life mattered more.. I'm struggling with feeling like I don't matter...

the job I'm doing barely matters, and yet I matter so much to some but I'm also a no body. 

i miss the days I was somebody, and I miss the days I meant something to anyone.. I need something to change, and I need to get my ass out of this house, because when I'm stuck at home thinking the tthings i'm thinking it honestly makes me feel like garbage... how can anyone survive covid lock downs, I guess not everyone is alone, but it's hard because I don't do well alone, adn I don't do well without the connection to someone else.. like even just friends.. I think I have one friend. I need to do something other than this because I'm hurting I'm hurting about all the things I've done in my life, and I want to be more, do more, act more, I don't know... I just feel like garbage today.

I always think I matter.. or that I am worth anything at all, and I feel like I get this shitty reminder, like someone or something sitting on my shoulder reminding me that I am not good enough, I am not worthy enough, if I mattered there would be more, or I would be more, or I'd matter more, and then I go back into my dark room and just I can't do that..> I really don't like being there becuase its not easy.. and I guess I'm mumbling whatever comes to my brain but I feel shitty today.. on a day I thought I'd feel great, or that things would be great, and they aren't. 

Crazily devoted

 So I finally came clean, I finally said everything! literally everything! expecting the worst to become my soon to be reality.. as an overthinker believe me you couldn't blame me because I did this repeat "I did this" to myself. so it was super scary, super hard, and super crushing. 

believe me getting that off my chest was the best fuckin thing i could ever feel, and not only was i able to get over it, i got through it, and I'm still somewhat safe and sound, and still happily in love. i honestly still doubt that, please don't hate me for saying that, because I read something once...when we desire, want, yearn, adn get and have, and had, we are always afraid of losing it. and I guess that's where I'm at, I don't want to lose what I have, and I don't ever want to sacrifice what I have for anything. 

I cannot fathom a love greater than this, and I cannot begin to describe how incredible it feels to feel that love, adn that smile, and that hand, and that touch, and those eyes looking into mine, yes I guess I'm a sucker for the gushy love stuff, but when your here then there is nothing greater in the world. besides my kid.

I have started or wait I had started a daily reminder that I was texting to my partner, and I have as of today taken one step further... because reality is... I need to be able to trust, and respond with love, and to carry us or ourselves into greatness, and I want that, I want that all with this person, adn yes it wont be right away, but it will be beautiful if it ever gets there, but until it does... I have decided to start each day, telling this person how muhc they mean to me, maybe mix it up and say it in different ways maybe different languages whatever the case may be, because when we speak it, we live it when we live it then we show it, and others follow

I've proven this theory with the one week of "happiness" and joy etx. by showing this person that love each morning, and spreading that love each night, and having the music, the mood to be in that type of happiness, it was a great week that they had before their birthday, and it was beautiful, adn that is my proof that alls we have to do is speak it into existence, to daily check ourselves, and to daily love what we have, and live in these moments.

I got no real ideas how to do anything, I am self taught love kind of person. I spent my entire life finding dysfunctional love, finding no love, finding a rock hard solid wall that I never got through, I could continue with that crappy lifestyle, or I can decide to get up and make the changes in my life to make us worthy of living.
i'll tell you I don't want to go backwards, I don't either of us to go backwards, I want us to THRIVE into greatness, and to do that together or separate whatever the situation, I want to be able to share in that love, and devotion, dedication, strength, heartache, pain, and whatever else, I want that with this person.

I just want greatness I want to live in a world where I can prove to my kid life is worth living, even if it's not especially during a time like now. I want to do something, I can't stay where I've always been, and I can't go back to where I always was, and I am wanting to pave a way to greatness, I want to leave a map for my kid. I want my partner and I to be together forever and always, and I would love to speak that into existence but I can hope so, and work on, strive for, and desire it, and hope for the best.
I want to be able to bring out the best in them, and I want them to want to be better for us, and want to be with us, to want to add shit to the routine to want to be here with me, but I don't know only time will tell

I'm fuckin trying, and I'm crazily devoted, to this one person who has stolen my heart and soul in every aspect of the word! 

broken choices

Recently I had one of those beautiful nights that take your breath away. The night where you give your all an are basically vulnerable in a way cannot explain. An it was full of acceptance and love. I woke up the next day grateful to be where I was. An I feel like that's why this happened... just as much as happiness happens. Then it's all destroyed within a few hours. I'm reminded that I'm unworthy of such happiness.

And I'm ready to walk away from everything that is good and everything that's worthy of love.

I dont know what to explain. I feel like garbage that no matter what choices I make it will effect everything.

Why must I suffer this much. What did I evrr do to deserve this.