strength in faith

I have been in a weird place... you know when you spend all this time alone... you overthink an begin to doubt every relationship that hasn't sought out to check on you. That's how it felt... 

I was left behind just as so many.. I dont really know who friends are. Are they only friends as we mutually take away from one another 

I couldn't imagine being in lockdown.. I see why so many people struggled... an hearing that people have tried to end their lives.

I'm completely unsure.... my heart feels broken... an I love my partner more than anything but.... what she has going on.... where she's at... she seems to be unwilling to let me in. If I mattered wouldn't I be by her side. Not being left in the dark? I don't like how I feel.

So alot of the time the reason behind why I'm always left in the dark is because she is not herself in these spaces in her head. An if she let's herself be around me then she lashes out ? Or acts out of her regular character. An or just does something that hurts us. At least these are the things I believe she has told me. But realistically 

If I mattered to her wouldn't she be willing to show me herself... in all her faces. Her personality. Her darkness her doubts fears etc.

When we've been together as long as we have. Shouldn't we be more than what we currently are. Because it seems we're going back to only seeing each other once a month. An I'm begging to hear from her. 

If I didn't say anything it's as though I wouldn't exist in her life an yet she states that I matter most of all. But how can I matter when I'm not even present in her life.

But if i say that... it turns too... what is life like without this love. Without this worry. I want the future we planned. She wants the future we planned. Then what in the world is stopping that from happening. That is the question that I can't answer because as much as I'm talking to her... it's not her that I'm talking to. An that is the difficulty of where I'm at. 

I am hurting. I'm hurt. An I dont know what to do I can't call anyone because there isn't anyone to call. So I'm lost in this stupid mentality of not knowing what to do or think. I just need to feel. Anything. Anything at all that makes sense. Because nothing about this shit makes sense to me. How can this be love if she can't even be honest with me. To share her darkest parts of herself with me. An not want to relish in our happiest moments. 

I feel like breaking down. I feel sad. Hurt. Alone. An in a dark room an I need to be ok. I need to get thro this without doing what I always do. 

Because I'm in a moment of sabotage it all. Because it isn't real. It's not what is real. But it's the bs cycle I'll have to endure every month for the rest of my life. But I still assume if I endure it then maybe she'll let me in and see I'm not going anywhere an I love her regardless of whoever or whatever is in her head. Because I know who she is. I want to spend eternity with that woman. An I gave that lady my heart. An she controls this all but I want to be able to have some control to show her the love I have for her thro my eyes. 

She'll see something beautiful...if she would just give me a chance to prove we are worthy of greatness. We are better than all this bs darkness. We have done enough. We deserve to be happy. An that's where we can be. 

doubt growing like a weed

I'm struggling... there's so much going on an so much heaviness around my reliance on others. I know we should never rely on anyone...but honestly with love... well it blinds us. Asks us to have faith in the unknown. Have faith in others because of love. For so long I've rarely let anyone into my life... it worked pretty well but then I started slowly...started to break down the wall. An now I am feeling terrified... it feels as though being in this place where I had faith in others... reminds me of a TV show. Or Several. But the thing in this particular show called Prison Break. The series when they had to break out of a prison that was run by the inmates. One particular inmate had hidden himself basically to wither an die in the basement. Eating rats an whatever he could. The guy even built a brick wall covering himself from others so no one could find him.  Until one day someone did. An he relied on them. But when they broke him out of the brick wall he was deteriorating from only eating what an when he found scraps... the reason i say this is because it's how I feel...

However I broke down my walls because I put my faith in love. In the idea that out of love we would conquer all. An we would last forever.

But what she doesn't know... is that I relied on her.. on her word that I'm her everything. Thst she wants me in her life..

But... the issues... the many issues that keep rising up are starting to make me feel like I'm deteriorating. Because the more times she is disappointing me an not being here.. the more times I'm losing faith. Losing heart. 

What are the reasons for love... for connection. Sadly they seem to be instilled in us. Because it's why we are here.

I want to not lose faith.. I want to make it work. But it feels one sided. It feels as though I'm the only one fighting for stability for us. 

For her. She's fighting to stay alive fighting demons. Fighting multitudes of things but she's doing it alone. 

I've done everything I could to build up her trust an faith in me. I've proven more an more that I'll be here. An I'm not going to turn my back on her. But she still won't break down her walls. She still won't have more faith in me.

I need to figure out what to do from here... because right now....

I've lost so many. I've done so much an I deserve to be loved. I deserve to feel that love without questioning it.. an right now I feel unworthy like I don't deserve love. That maybe all this time of trying to fight her demons.. I'm not ever good enough to be there. 

Idk... I'm hurt 

I'm hurt because I've repeatedly said this is who I wanna be with, who I wanna spend the end of time with. I want to stay an I feel like she wants me to stay but at a distance. An the worst parts of distance is that it continues to raise doubt. To raise concerns. An to make me wonder what does she do with her time. Who is she spending it with. How can we build our lives together if we aren't actually together.

I continue to feel as though I can't press the matter because she's in a fragile state. An when I push she runs away an I can't deal with the chase. I'm feeling done with the chase

We need to be over that. An ready to take on next steps. Because I or we owe it to ourselves to go thst length if that is what it is 

I dont know what I'm doing. Or what I should do. An I can't talk to my friends because I'm supposed to be all good an happy etc 

struggling in times of chaos

It's strange how everything can turn an fall apart as quickly as it has an then I wonder why I felt what I felt. 

I feel alone...I feel like all the choices I've made in the past few years hasn't been good enough... you know being a parent.  Really speaks to the kind of person I am. You see my kid... an you see a kind gentle handsome joyful kid. Reflection of how I've been with him. 

But the stuff going on outside of our lives... simple things like having someone use his name to collect cheques an committing fraud..  an now I'm being screwed for it..

To some it may seem simple fix. To others it's like why do I need the supports... I'm a working mom.  But expanses in our house hold... with ensuring we have food. Gas. An proper clothing..

These are expansive things... an I felt like I had to decide whst was best for him even if it meant I didn't get to buy a winter jacket or some warm socks. 

I love my kid. I have no regrets about the choices I made to be a part of his life.

An in the beginning...I felt like...this...this is why I'm alive. This is why I was brought back from the edge of death. 

Because I was meant for a greater purpose an it felt as though this was it. Not just being present in thr world.  It was as though someone whomever seen the future an decided 

Living is always a tough one... there so many difficult histories. 

I just want a love that endures. One thst I can fill me with a happiness. .

I'm exhausted

I want to write but I csmt cause I'm absolutely exhausted 

memories from last year

First off...I must pay honor to Betty White. Such sad news to hear that she had passed away.

Rest in peace Betty. 

Now onto the new year.... my memories are flooded with memories from the last year. Grateful for the life I've had but also completely recognizing the difficulties I've faced. 

It looks like last I wrote was about love...

Love still stands... an sometimes I still don't know why.. I dont know how I've ever been so lucky to be able to find a place such as this. With everything I've been through. 

I'm grateful for what love I have found. I cannot tell you enough..  how weird of circumstances it has been. But how grateful I am to have found a place where love exists. 

I have absolutely no idea how I've been put in this place to have been in love with someone an to have lasted for such a year as this. An to be alive with her.  

We've been through so much.. so much moments where we had doubts. Questions. Concerns. Reasons to not continue etc. 

Yet... here we are.. here we are together in this so called love. 

On our way to forever. An I just don't know how or why or when or how. What do we do from here. How do we get through this. How do we make goals an achieve them. How do we save money. How do we build on family. 

I dont even know what to think. I don't know what to do. 

Sometimes people see our pictures and think you look so happy. But sometimes they look at those pictures an think your so exhausted. All is true. Because as much as I try be happy. I also am done with the current job. An ready to take on something less stressful. 

I need to find a way to take the next steps. To find the right moments where happiness is truth. Where we can be ourselves an move forward in all the love we could have had. 

How do we set goals that love matters enough without doubt. 

How can she have the best weekend of her life an yet we just present with one another. I want more. I want more than that. I want to laugh. Love. Dance. Inspire. An move forward 

My mind is so lost right now. I'm losing my mind right now and I want more out of all this. 

Keep moving forward. But how do we do better. How do we survive. How do we stay alive. 

I dont understand 

I'm losing my mind I guess.

How do we see last year. An know how far we've come. And how far we are willing to go

I so want the world to know our love. But to survive it in a better place. To give us a happiness that is better than this.

There's so much.. In my head..

The last year has done one thing proven each of us has made it. An we are moving forward..we are going to build on a life...

An hopefully take the next steps...the next steps being..  omg can you believe I'll say it...

Moving forward to engagement. Reading about it all. An learning best ways.

I have it on my mind. Because I just love the idea of being with her forever. An at the same time in saying that I worry about that..  but I'm grateful for her. I'm grateful for the happiness she has given me