lost

It's never a good thing to feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. To also feel as though I have to bare it all on my own 

I'm hurting. I'm hurting beyond all measure of pain that I can endure. I am such an idiot. I'm looking back on a life I had. A life we had. A future we were supposed to have. 

I'm in love with this girl. I want the future to be real. I want to know we are working together to make it happen but I got nothing. A year ago things were better. Things were beautiful. I mattered. She texted called made an effort. An now shes silent. Distant an unknown to my life. 

My soul is hurting at the thought of what it means. Because on one hand. She says nothing doesn't show up. Doesn't see me. An then on the other she messages me the sweetest messages. Stuff about the future. 

I dont know what to do. I don't know what to feel. 

I talked to someone about my thoughts. How the world may be better without me. 

What is the point of moving forward. What is the point in trying to live. I'm fighting to survive everyday. 

An now I'm struggling to know if the person I love. Does she love me back. An if her answer is no. Will I be able to handle that. I don't know. I don't know. I'm hurting an I'm feeling like my heart is breaking. An I just want it to stop. I don't want to keep this up. I don't like the direction we have gone down. 

You know my messages they said things like. She'd say being with me was enough to feel love appreciated. An just knowing I'm here was enough. 

But now.......

Now.... I got nothing. I spend days with no talking. No texts. No phone calls. 

But than when there is a text. It's shit like don't let the stuff I'm thinking spiral into the chaos I'm currently enduring 

An the other part of that is she knows I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I feel lost. An I am worried. 

I hate that we spent so much time talking about the future. About family. Kids. Marriage. An if it falls apart. My soul will be crushed. An I'm not sure I can handle it. As I am not sure what to feel. I'm not sure how to respond. But I realize maybe she is doing this to make it easier for me to let go. 

Maybe I don't matter as much as I thought 

But then when I say that. It sounds selfish. What if she's in hell. She is enduring some traumatic shit. An she is coping in ways that I do not approve. Because it's a deal breaker allegedly for me. 

So then she's keeping me at arms length knowing full well it hurts. But I had said that I love her an I'll forever be here for her an I'll stand by her. 

Therefore.... even though I feel what I feel. I endured what I endure. I'm hurt. I'm hurting. But I'm still here an its hurting my resort to dealing isn't good. An idk. I've opened a door. To a life I am not supposed to be looking at. An I'm in a dark space. Where there is no light. 

I'm scared. I'm scared of what is going to happen. I'm scared of what or how ill react to shit. 

Or maybe I'm overthinking everything 

But I also cut off my supports. An 

May be making choices that will help letting go of the world easier for me. Because I'm cutting ties with people who matter to me 

I dont know.