Friday, March 20, 2009

projecting fear

The last couple days I've been learning some things about someone else's past. and it got me thinking of my history. How much I thought that I was somebody you know? In school like all kids I was picked on, but it was never severe and once more native people entered my school it all changed. not long after we had formed our own little gang. and started terrorizing lots of other people...I instigated fights, and I forced fear onto others..

I didn't allow fear to grip me when I was surrounded by my people...but when I was alone I felt like I always and I mean always had to look out for myself..evene to this day. I could walk anywhere on east van and still have that gripping fear that something may happen to day someone is going to remember that many years ago I got people to fight, to beat up young people our same age back then..and there going to remember that I was the leader I told people what to do...their going to remember that an then I'd be finished..

cause unlike this guy that spoke today...myself...well I only lasted a short time in the life of greatness... I didn't really techinally get back into that life...but I have been involved in situations that have been pretty horrible, and I've allowed myself to be known to certain people who know that Im the one person to be respected.

This class...well one thing also was choices...yesterday we learned about choices...our choices. and as much as no one wanted to admit it...we were all there for the purpose that we are all looking for a purpose..looking for a reason to continue living...
cause so far as I know it is that it is true..all these people in the world are hatin on us telling us we will amount to nothing, tellin us that drinking and drugs is all we have...and every single one of us in this group has struggled with that at one time or another.. we've all been in situations that we've had to protect ourselves..we've all struggled to survive... and even at this moment event being put into this program....
The struggle to continue to's severe... forcing ourselves to wake up and say 'yes Im worth more then you know'.... to just wake up and come in...this group is a group of great people and although no one would ever say we are all holding eachother, helping eachother. I mean it's not a broken thing anymore, we are all walking through this thing with eachother.

Its' like what the guy was talking about....
There's two lines of fire and in the middle...that's where we are...well that's where all of us are every single one of us in the group are...and even though we'd never fully admit it.. we are all there helping eachother....striving ahead...and holding eachother together as a group as a team player...and as a leader. when one of us struggles..instead of teasing or hatin or hurting..we just bring their spirit up..and let them least you came to class.. at least you came and did the right thing because it would've been so much easier if you just went back to the life you were living...doing what you've always done...and being where you always were.

this class...even in its wierd moments of pain and really gets peeps thinking about our lives and we sit an wonder....the words they speaking to that fo real? if so how do we get through this damn life...we get through it by continuing to go to the class and start making goals for our lives to do great things in life.. I unno..

I just am amazed...there's lots said that I already know...but there are things I didn't know about or was not aware of and IM glad to have had the opportunity to be in this class because it really just helped me see some different things that I didnt see before...


Sunday, March 15, 2009

tainted fear

These last few weeks I've seen the streets of our beautiful Vancouver become errupted with violence, everyday there's something new about some horrific crime that's been committed and how someone has been injured or died.

There's a movie I remember. how she had felt that there might've been lots of violence in the world and how it did not touch her, and one night it changed her life for the worst...

For me.. well I have seen the newspapers and had felt the affects of the city I live in.. meaning I have more connections then any transit, any some ways I have my own little possie of terrible times, these things that hurt me or harm me in some way.

It gets me thinking of what things I need to know? I mean how can I stop the violence in my city? Im terrified of my young little brothers and sisters going out, Im afraid myself of going out. the worst of it is when I moved back...I was afraid of what kinds of clothes I wanted to wear and how I wanted to wear them...but now someways it's just because of my skin color that I am targeted for these crimes...

Its pretty traumatizing...I had someone in my life tell me of a time in his life that he was affected by the pains of life....he had witnessed some traumatic things..he was affected greatly, painfully. it makes me worry...the state of mind that we go into the world...
I had another friend come to me for help...and the mind set of this friend was in the clouds, they didn't understand what they had done, or even grasp the cosequences.instead they are running from this pain....

How would someone face that?

It got me thinking of my role...I mean Im a citizen of Canada, and I live here in Vancouver. but Im also dreaming of the idea of becoming a police officer. my role in the future is pretty extreme. I would serve the community, the city. so my role now is my mind set is at what I can do to protect my city...lots of people know what I want to do with my life.. and so even if they still tell me terrible things and I have to figure out how important it might be to share that with other people.... I would feel terrible if I could've prevented something because of the words I would speak. Im not sure.

I recently wrote all of my close friends to explain to them that I may have put myself in a dangerous situation. and how I cherish my friendships, relationships and if anything ever happened to me..they would know...I might be being dramatic but I might be right on it...with the dreams and thoughts I've had since entering into this situaiton.

maybe Im losing my mind? lol

as for anything else... well Im in the bladerunners program it's pretty good...real awesome and Im glad to have been given this opportunity to make good choices in my life...I hope for a better future, and if I never make it to that....well the main thing for me is that I was my dream to do great things in the future. it was my desire to share with others that we can truly get through difficult times in our lives.


Saturday, March 7, 2009

living it all through

I've the opportunity to meet some amazing people in this past year of my life living back in Vancouver, I've connected with all parts of the city of Vancouver. I've made friends all over the world and I've made some really great just amazing things in my life.

I write today because I feel like I need to

I recently went through a very difficult task of making a decision about a friend. This friend of mine is the most prized friend I could ever have, and when my friend is down in the dumps I do everything humanly possible to make everything better. however with all things there comes the faults of my work in this community. I was told that I hated her or did not care about her, she spoke of ending her life. It gutted me and showed me, proved to me the heartache I have caused my friends. She requires more help then what I feel I can handle. I myself am only getting through these difficult times of the effects of what I've done. let alone trying to help someone else get through something I'm not even fully sure is possible. It hurt me because I could no imagine the pain I've caused those closest to me. These scars are my reminders of a story of my life. a time in my life where I realized that Im truly here for greatness.

Two weeks after this incident of my life.. I met a woman. I have corrospended with her through messages. well she came to Van and I must say what a scary situation it had been for me. I wasn't sure how to tell her what I had done, and I wasn't even sure i could even feel comfortable saying anything. was more different then anything I've ever experienced. she shared with me her encouraging words, her words of wisdom and her words of inspiration. she reminded me of what I was here for. she knew that I have been brought here for a reason. It honestly was like I had lost the reasons of why I was living, it was like this was my falling out period, or my rock bottom as some may call it.. I forgot why I was living, I forgot why I was breathing and I forgot what it felt like to be happy to be me.
Im not sure what purpose she has in my life. but i know that the night I met her. I could not describe to you the true greatness of her life. and her choices, her actions, her love. It had surrounded me, and in her presence I realized the greatness of my life. As low and self-pity as I felt, she threw that all away...and I woke up...expecting to see the world as it is... but I didn't.

Within the next few days my life was transformed.. I had things going right for me. I was able to get into the program I applied for, and I felt full of life. wanting to scream from the roof tops because I felt like everything was finally coming together...I dont know if it still would've come regardless of what I did...but I know that it's coming together now and I could not be happier.

The story does not end there...

I wonder what Im supposed to know? This life of mine is full of great value and someone told me about the ways I could remind myself why I dont want to end my life, or why I dont want to cut. and that's my family. the images, and life I've brought to them...the memories, the love is all of great value to me..there is not a friend in my life that holds a place in my heart like my famliy. I have committed my life to protecting, loving and caring for them. and everything else can just fall of the earth...because it's all I really truly and utterly care about..

Yet in the midst of all that... It's still unclear to me why Im here or why I survived that night. I could've sat at that park an let all my blood flow outta me. I could've just let my life go. instead that didnt happen. instead someone was there with me. she called the police she called for the help I required....was it all really a mistake? no I dont think so.. I wish that I hadn't done the things that I had, but I know because of those things there is a better understanding of myself. I better know my self, and my actions, my choices, my decisions. my friends and my family. that night changed my life, and that night with that woman was the true transformation of my life.

Im not sure where things will go from here...

I just know that I know...that I dont want to end my life. I dont want to mess things up for myself and I hope to survive and change...change myself and by that begin to change the world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

getting through it

A lot has happened in a nearly a week. I must say how things have changed with my looks on life, the looks of my scars.
A friend of mine suggested that I not tell my brothers and sisters about what's happened in my life, because they are all too young...However all that comes to my mind is what if they notice? the long sleeves? the everything to do with hiding my arms.

Im not sure how I feel about that but I guess for right now it's the right place of not telling what's happened.

I went out Saturday night. had the best nights of my life....I hung out with greatest woman in the world because she brought something to me. You know I've always seen myself encouraging and inspiring others greatly regardless of the story I tell..but Saturday night..this woman encouraged me and really..honestly she knew me short while. This was our second time meeting each other. and yet it was like we knew each other for the longest time. I could not describe to you how great that was. yet how terrifed feeling it is...or can be when sharing things that I've not even talked to many people.

Since Saturday however. I've had new perspective. new zeal. I was really and truly encouraged by this woman. more so encouraged that I gave her something that I was going to give the police officer that was with me the night of the incident. i was encouraged and touched and inspired that I gave it to her because she had truly been a real great girl. I was totally all about the greatness...
Again since then. I got sick..came down with a sore throat and felt like I was getting sick. so I started resting I missed my theatre class because I figured if I needed to get better, I need to cut some things out... was really happy to hear that people missed me at the class.. was really glad to hear that.

Yesterday I heard from this place that Im applying for a program with them. Im looking forward to the meet and hope that they can help me in some way.. so that I can try get back on my feet with work, and experience an all that.

I was invited to go along with some friends to Seattle. I had thought it'd be awesome..then I got sick and couldn't work to pay any of the bills of two days ago I called my friend and told her I was not able to go... I figured if I was sick, and tried to work I'd probably be sick all my time in Seattle... so I decided it was not a good idea. however yesterday I was looking for my income tax forms and my mom came across a cheque!!! It was an old cheque from my old job and I couldn't believe we had found it. I cashed it and now Im going to Seattle so it seems that Im supposed to be outta town this weekend. Im not really sure what we will be doing in Seattle but believe me when I say Im going to have lots of fun because I'll be with some amazing people!

As for emotions...well that's a funny thing. I just finished reading a friend Anita sent me for my birthday.. "the shack" I must say how awesome it was to read it! I felt like I could hardly put it down. I ended up reading it for this last week and finished it today. and one thing that stuck to crying.... Im not sure why....but it's real difficult for me to cry and I actually fight back tears, and that leads to the build up which leads to my cutting...but reading this book and hearing the different things of crying, and it's healing for us...I kinda of thought and wondered what it is for me that makes me not cry? I mean why am I so afraid to cry? I would think it's the vulnerable state of my mind because it's not me to ever be vulnerable. it takes a lot and I mean a lot for me to cry. but reading that book made me wonder why in the world it's a big deal for me to cry.

im going to be working on another story...hopefully this month. find the time to start writing. Im not sure what its going to be....I just know that after reading this book, and the events in my life I feel like I really would like to write some stuff down. and I have some very big ideas about this story so Im going to write it and then post it to see the feedback of my story...

I dont really have anything more to say.

I am in a place where i feel content and thinking of the future events. and the things that will be done in the looking forward to living and loving living.

good night