mental health

I see it now. The struggle during the holidays. All the insanity of let's go here or there. Or this dinner or that. I went to no dinners. No parties. No shopping. I did nothing an I only got gifts for my kid. I spent so much of time buying stuff for others an going broke like why bother. These people want to be in my life than appreciate me as is.

But aftermath of knowing I spent so much money on my kid. So much to help him have clothes an toys. An realizing a week before the end of year that I'm like what have I done.

Reality is we all had this extra money an yet none of us have it now. An what good did it do? I have so many bills to pay. An the constant need to make my kid happy is bad. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed. An my relationships. Are none existent. An I am realizing more and more I've gotten nothing out of my relationships with anyone. But everyone who is with me has gotten everything. My blood sweat an tears. My emptied accounts 

An I'm crying at the idea of not being able to feed myself this week. But no one knows that because it's not for people to know but it's a reality of how I'm living 

I cant even understand why. What am I doing. An then it adds up. Buying this or that for this or that or sending money for this person or that. An realizing I'm leaving nothing for myself. An when i need the help it's not returned. 

But everyone can take everything from me 

It makes me lose my sanity. It makes me want to cut. Something I've had urges to do. I'm trying so hard not to give into it. But I'm getting hurt. I'm getting hurt by others an they don't see that. Or they choose not to see that. An I'm drowning in that. 

I keep thinking to myself I wish I didn't come back. I know I'm selfish for these thoughts but it's so hard to survive. It's so hard to live. It's hard to need. Want. Desire. An to provide not just for myself but for my kid too. An not have the necessary finances because his selfish mother lied to the government an said this kid was not with me. But I've given court papers that say he has been with me forever. So why are they taking shit from me.

Ugh the list goes on..

I'm drowning and I'm struggling. 

I watched a movie. Based on true story about those teenagers who got stuck in the caves. An how they survived for 18 days. An they did by remaining calm. By praying. An meditation. An I'm like I feel like I couldn't do it 

So much bs in my life. My friend told me recently that because of thr icd. Not only will I never scuba dive. I'll likely never jump off a plane or bridge because of the device in my chest. I had a bucket list. A thing I was working towards an now those ideas are gone. An I have to readjust because of some unknown be heart thing. I feel like I'm a hermit now. Because not just these little things. 

So much.. .

i can't keep thinking about it. As I'm getting more upset. I need to runaway. Stop paying all my bills an rent. Just spend money on myself lol

I wish...I would love to go into the next year with some security for my finances or whatever. 

But it feels like no matter what I do. My finances are a serious problem. Idk how to survive...

I tried to bring lunches to work. I tried to have gift cards for any other needs. An yet... I'm going into this with hunger. I don't have enough snacks or food. 

I'm just feeling helpless. An if I tried to get help for it. Idk. I honestly am not buying things I can't afford you know. I'm not eating at restaurants..or buying taxis or ubers or fast food. 

I'm just not sure how I'm so broke all the time.