inevitable pain

 I'm still struggling.. I guess should be no surprise... I have been waiting to get an MRI on my brain for over a week now, I know lots of people need help but I feel desperate need.... I'm getting so down, so sad, and I'm feeling like I'm suffering so harshly. 

today I tried to get out but it was terrible.. I felt so crappy... everything hurt and felt sick to my stomach, dizzy, and everything, than I took the medication and I was ok.. I found out the meds are nothing special pain reliever and blood thinner, basically makes me think that maybe somewhere in my brain something is going on that is making it hard to survive day to day because the blood vessels in my brain are what cause the pain? whether true or not I'm not sure. 

I have people in my corner. I have lots of support but I feel alone because I'm not exactly sure how to explain the pain, it's like a migraine but 100x worse but to add to it would be blurred vision, and stomach problems, I had a pain in my side by my ribs throughout the day. you'd think maybe I slept on it but I didn't because I don't sleep on my left side not since the car accident. 

My partner along with everyone says think positive, stay positive but its not that easy... not when I have more questions then answers, and that I feel like not myself... 
I tried really hard to be ok today, but I just wanted to be in bed... and I've been in bed ever since, but this can't be life... I have to get back to wherever I was before all of this... it's been really hard... 

I have been slipping into darkness, drowning in my own loneliness it's hard because people don't get that. they think I can get up and walk and sometimes I can but not really not legally, I cannot go when I've tried it's turned into bad shit.. 
I just wish I wish I had a way to distract myself from the mess...the stuff in my brain... it is really hard.. 

I don't know if I should think if it's bad should I just fuck it all? if it's not bad and treatable what will happen... 
I just want answers. I want to get through this but I also want to stop feeling this way...

I want to get back to my happy life with my future wife.. lol I wish. but maybe... we were on our way to greatness and now everything for us is on hold, and she is being so patient in holding onto me but we've done this for so long we deserve a break you know? 

ANYWAY I just had to write... because my brain is what it is... and it's hurting now so I can't continue sharin my thoughts 

Tired of it

 I never want it to end like this.. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know why I am acting this way, an I don't know how to solve a fuckin problem that I don't even know what it is. 
I wish it was deadly enough to use as an excuse just to give up. but the fact that I'm out and about I guess it's not. 

I don't get why there was another argument about reassurance... fuck I hardly hear from her all day, I hardly know anything about her all day, and when I do... it's nothing specific adn it's always just garbage that makes no sense to me.
but when it's about me! YES IM STRUGGLING!

how much more clear do I need to be. that I am having a god damn hard time with my daily life! I am not working, I have no supports in my life, and I have no family! and I am reaching out, trying to get shit together but no matter what the fuck I do it's NEVER enough! I'm losing my mind 
I obviously want her to give up on me. because I feel like that's the outcome of what bs argument there is today. the fact that she asks for honesty and then I'm honest and now she says she will disregard my negative BS, and just whatever then why ask? why even care. 

Your setting boundaries..then why should I tell you anything. why should it matter.. if the answer is always the same.. I'm not supposed to be driving, I'm not supposed to be alone, and i don't know how to feel better. and here I am struggling and now I am not allowed to say that. so what!!! WHAT IS THERE to talk about. nothing!

I try to say it's not about her or me, or us it's my own shit, because I don't like waiting, i don't like not knowing what's wrong with me, and I dont like that my body hurts, my head hurts, god life is hard. yes but when I lose all my supports, and now I'm losing the one person who says she'd stand by me, then why bother! why move forward! why do I bother with thisBS! 
why does she!

you know I TRY I fucking TRY to make it not about me. and instead she always bring it back to me, or doesn't respond or doesn't even talk to me. and then you wonder why evreything is always negative. she knows what its like to go throgh this shit as she just did! BUT SHE HAD PEOPLE! she had supports in her life. and i have nothing. no one, and now my tiny little circle of people is dwindling smaller and smaller to absoluetly nothing.

I hate that I am putting her through this. and that she is making it harder to want to talk to her, or be with her because she won't let me be honest.. am I not allowed to feel what I feel! do you know how hard it is to walk out of the hospital NO ANSWERS and be here with no answers. 

I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to keep this BS game up. I am tired of hurting, and I'm tired that she just keeps laying this on me. and it's always my fault. I TRIED I TRIED I TRIED to talk to her, I tried to say ANYTHING else at all adn it always NEVER a response,  never good enogh, she says she doesn't like to text but it's all she does! she says she doesn't want reassurance then fine! I won't give that shit either. we'll just be whatever we are. and that's it. nothing more nothing less. 

why do we do this! why does this matter! I TOLD HER that I was happy! we were happy things were finally coming togehter.! AND THEN I collapsed, and I repeatedly did so and now I am in a place of unknown, an she doesn't get what that means, neither do I , but why ask me then. why talkto me then if you don't really care then why bother messaging me,? why talk to me? 
If you loved me... WHO the fuck knows what you'd do if you LOVED me, because there is no answer that would make sense. Because maybe I am worthy of all that bs but you know it HASNT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE MY ENTIRE LIFE!

I am trying. I am trying. I told her, repeatedly I am trying to get help, I have help now and now this happens, my life feels like it's all on HOLD while I deal with whatever medical shit this is before i can fuckin go back to dealing with the important shit that will make me a better person. 

I HATE the world. I hate my life. and I hate that I feel alone! I hate that no matter how much I try to explain that, that no one understands.. how hard it is, and how shitty it feels. I wish I wish I wish... jst for once that she could see what I am feeling, or care enogh to be here to feel what I feel in one moment of that feeling to understand why it's so hard to be OK everyday! 

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want so much to have her in my life, but teh cost to her may be too high that maybe it's not worth it. maybe this is me truly breaking us becase that is EXACTLY WHAT I DO! which I was trying to avoid......

I allowed our happiness.I allowed us to talk abot the future, I allowed us to laugh. and now we're here. and she just hurts and I am hurting her. and why do I bother if that's ALL I AM GOING TO FUCKIN DO! 

IDK what to do but I I don't know anymore............. I don't want to leave, and i don't want to go, but maybe that's what's best for her. because I don't know who I am right now. I know that I am struggling, and I FEEL alone,and she doesn't understand that, no one seems too.. and people say you need to learn to be ok iwht that! I"VE BEEN ALONE ALL MY LIFE! I have been alone ALL THE almost 4 years of raising my kid! I don't care about being alone, that's not waht I fuckin mean, and i don't know how to explain that. and that' is killing me...that she can't hear me. 

moment of weakness

 I have to write because it's all I have to do... It's hard each day being alone, I'm sure that's how a lot of people felt while they were in lock down or in isolation.. that desire to belong, or connect with another. 

I felt like the last 24 hours I just crave attention and/or just ask to be heard or talked too and it turns into some bs that doesn't make any sense or difference. It hurts when I talk to people an it makes no sense and/or they believe that I am trying to lay shit on them, when reality is i just wanted a distraction... doesn't that make sense? that being stuck inside all day and night not going anywhere or doing anything, not knowing what's going on for me, or where I'm at and having no one to talk too. 

Today was one of those days that I just felt like my partner is completely far away and it is hard when that happens because I'm already far away, I'm already feeling lost and feeling hurt and broken...and to have her also chose to not talk to me, or connect to me. it hurts.
and then my friends or friend messaged but instead of just talking to me it was being bombarded with BS, like i'm not doing my job, no I am not doing my fucking job I'm struggling mad! do you know how hard it is when I am  here but I am not! 
that my brain is doing whatever it's doing... and how my instincts just want to do something completely wrong, and just to destroy everything!

I talked to my counselor today whom I had hoped that would understand where I'm coming from but instead it didn't turn out that way, instead their advice was to call a crisis line, but I'm not talking about wanting to fuckin cry about my BS life, I am just wanting to know what's going on outside in teh world. 
i feel like I don't matter

idiots tell me that I matter. that what Im doing matters or whatever but why if that is true why am I alone! I want to give up on all the people who are trying to be here for me, I want to walk away, they deserve better. and I am not worth that much... someone tried to say I'm great.. or that I have some sort of bs power that people want to come in my life to support me but reality is I feel like a burden. I'm told not to lie. but its all i want to do! I want to do something stupid!

you know what I didn't think of! what if I don't get the answers what if nothing is wrong with me and now I've given up all this time and shit for no reason... and then what's next! what if I am dreaming all this crap in my head. 

I just need to feel like I can talk to anyone..
Im tired of talking to people who aren't responding to me, who are living their own lives not caring about me\

I just want to give up on asking for help or lying that Im ok when I dont feel ok.

I dont know what to think right now... amd I dont like feeling lost adn thats where I am at. because all the silence it pisses me off....the lack of reassurance and lack of everything would be relevant to my life. 

I just want to stop.... I hate that my life is this right now. I hate feeling like this... I just dont want to talk to people who dont care about me or want to talk to me anymore. 

How do I find myself. how do I find out how to come out of this? or what if i don't wnat to come out of this how do I do that. 
Im back to they deserve better... that if they had never met me their life might be better than this... and IDK why I get here, but I just want to let go. 
I want to let go... and I don't wnat to but I also dont mean too......

but why why does being in my life right now make their life better.! I AM NOT BETTER! I hardly know whoI am right now! I am not myself. I'm vulnerable, I am needy, I am wanting to cry, and I am wanting to make poor choices and I don't get what the point is anymore... why does it matter if I am in thier lives, so many people have had no problem walkinig out of my life, nad acting like they had never met me or known me, because deep down that's the shitty person I am. 

I just struggling right now.... I don't know how to get out of this... and I don't know what to do anymore... I just don't know.. I feel like a failure I feel like garbage 

the love story

 I haven't written that much lately mainly because I've been going through what has felt like a terrible experience. for odd reasons beyond my control my body? my mind? my heart? I don't know what it is but something has been up with me.. and I've been forced to come to a reality that I didn't have to face in a long time. 

seeing as I've been clear that I don't or have chosen to not have a family or all that bs... I guess I can write about what had happened... I found myself in the hospital not just once but 2x. 
the first one was the worst experience in my life.. actually no because of the society we live in I should be used of that kind of racism.... but it was painful to be put in a position such as this and to not have anyone advocate for me. 
the end result was BS. because they gave me no legit answers, and they also racially profiled me as what Id rather not say... 

I ended up wasting 6 hours of my life to find out no answers and then after midnight drove myself home....

then within 24 hours while at home it happened again... and this time... thankfully I just happened to have the right people in my life to help me through these times. it was beyond diffcult.. as I have always been somewhat strong person who can take on and handle anything but this...this was beyond me... 
while on a call for help with some friends.. I of course called my lover... I tried really hard to deny letting her come over, letting her take me anywhere, or letting anything come of it. 
but it ended up getting worse... worse to the point that I could no longer speak, or see, and i can no longer text. 
but as I sat there on the phone with her... I finally asked her... about when we met... how we met. or when she knew that I was someone she had wanted in her life...

and her side...her idea of that day is funny..because to be honest... I didn't see it... it actually took me two months before I was ready to be ready for her. the reason was because I got hung up on someone who obviously was just fckin with my head. 
but in talking to my partner...and spending time with her..and standing by her through her shitty ordeal.. we grew on one another... and although I'd love to say we lived happily ever after...

reality is this..

happiness is not something I understand... it is not something that I can comprehend as goodness in my life because I had allowed myself for so long to believe that in being happy something bad had always happened, and because of this mindset... I repeatedly brought that into the universe.
Now it is hard for someone like me who has grown up as long as I have with all my own oppression, my own tragedies, my own short comings, and most importantly without love. 

so with all my own past. my own stuff what is it that I would do? I would do everything I can to repeatedly sabotage our relationship because I was scared... and of course it ended up that I destroyed us. without even knowing it. it was like I had repeatedly written before.. that I became a completely different person and I destroyed all that was good in our relationship.
I ended it.. i take that on because it was truly me that had done that. 

but in doing so it wasn't me adn I fought to get her back... i knew that I was wrong and that I wanted it back, I wanted the happiness. I believed in the happiness. and I believed that there could be balance. and it took me a week to get that together adn to get her to believe that too.. because I had hurt her so badly that I cannot even describe what I had done without even wanting to be that person. 

however...since... we came back. 

I made all these choices and decisions and everything I could possibly do to make it up to her... because went happened wasn't supposed to happen the way it had, and I dont know how much damage I had caused her, but for me... I regretted every decision in that conversation I had said or made. the way I treated her, and disrespected her. I never thought I had a chance.

but.... she let me come back, she told me that I would have to rebuild everything I broke. 

for the first few weeks it felt impossible.. but it also felt right.. because having her hand in mine, having her in my arms, or kissing her lips.. it was right, it was beautiful. but I also knew that I caused her pain that I never meant too.. and i thought we'd not recover from that. 

we are now over a month of coming back....

and I have completely devoted my life, my heart, my soul to this one person. I stood by her through everything, I helped her rebuild all the things that she needed help with, and I helped her come back to me, to believing in me, and us. it was not an easy task, a lot of moments we both had one point wanted to give up because we both have short comings...
but what I've noticed......

when it comes right down to it... when it comes to actually needing someone, needing that reassurance or love in that moment it's always there. 

when I heard her tell me that she knew from that first lunch out... I cried.. because I wish I knew it when she did. but I wasn't ready... I knew it later...
but since it all...

I've been in the hospital 2x times now and each time she's been there for me... the first time she got to visit I almost cried because just the site of having her there for me, and all that she has done for me.. no one has done for me in years... and I know... I am stupidly, completely in love with her. 

not only that! I want it forever. 

whatever CT scan, MRI or whatever the results may be regarding my life... I just want her. I want the entire deal of love, devotion, and admiration, I want forever and always. 
I have the right to say that... and I have the right to deserve that.

I recently wrote a friend of mine and said that for the first time... I have fallen in love with someone who loves me back and someone who wants the same things as me, and I am ready to give my all to her. I'm ready to take whatever steps that may be just to keep her in my life forever. I want marriage, I want kids, I want the townhouse, I want the future of greatness, the future of happiness with her. 

but in saying that....

this idea sets in..... there's something wrong with me... IDK if it's my brain or my heart.... but I feel like my forever may not be as long as hers, and do I want to to put her through that? she said yes, but I don't know if I want too... 
I dont want to destroy her life by forcing her to have to give up whatever to take care of me. 

just as I write this I'm completely depressed because I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to get better, adn I don't know if I will get better... I want to just not survive.... I want to end it just so I don't force her to suffer with me. 
but I also want her here with me now and forever. 

I don't know what the right decision is... Im scared... and she says that theres likely nothing wrong with me...but even as I am writing... I feel the same effects I felt days ago...and IDK I thinks its serious enough that I don't feel safe in my own body or mind. and i dont know if I wnat to put her through that again. 

to love her so mcuh... to need her so much. to want to let her go so she doesn't suffer whatever this is... IDK what the right decision is.. and it's breaking my heart and making me scared to face it alone...

Im losing my mind. 

face reality

The struggle is real... I'm more and more facing each day realizing what I am giving up.. and realizing how hard it will and has been. 

the choices I have made, the decisions that have come forth. it really sucks.. It really sucks, it hurts to know that i no longer want to be a part of the family I was born into.
once upon a time I gave up my whole life for them, I fought for them, stood by them, and defended them, and now I don't know who they are anymore. and I honestly have lost all trust and respect for them. 
the continous pain I've endured in my life.. all the sacrifice I've made for them. its finally come to and end.. I'm finally making the right decision for myself and walking away, closing down all communication, an creating healthy boundaries with them.

in doing all this..

apparently i found a love that is greater than any love I've ever felt before. but its also terrifying because its unknown to the both of us. i spent some time today contemplating all we have endured, and all that we sacrificed for one another, all the pain we caused one another... but as much as I'd love to say that's all we are.. its not.. there is a resilience in our love like no other, there is a purity in our love, there is happiness in our love.. and that is rare for me and for her. 
I wake up each day not knowing how or why she chose me, why does she love me. what is worthy about me that makes her believe I deserve love.
according to the family history alot of the pain that had happened was my fault, almost to say I carry chaos wherever I go.

I need to get past this..because I'm hurting..hurting most days. i try pretend Im ok but reality is Im not. and Im struggling, and alot the time I feel alone. 

no big ramble today.... Im struggling as always... IDK what I need..

 

struggle is real

 I dont know where to begin... I dont know what to say.. I don't know how to feel anymore... I am struggling with thoughts, struggling with fears becoming reality, and struggling with constant triggers. 

I want to blame the world for the pain I've endured... I want the people that hurt me to suffer. 
I dont feel that I deserve the life Im living.. 

I hate to question everything that is important.. I wanted to make it all work. I wanted to be loved, cherished, and whatever else that meant that I was able to have a life. 
but for the past while... as I have been reviewing all this past bit... I realize how much I benefit the other person and not myself. what I give up in terms of myself... 

you know when we first got together it was fun, beautiful, and when I called and needed her she was there in a heartbeat, but now like I said... it's not likely to happen.. 
now... we are still somewhat the same except that there isn't much in my life... and so it's easy to fixate on wanting to be with her, where as she can go and enjoy her life with whatever else she has going on, basically world moving on without me. 
recently we took some fun pictures and I realized... they weren't for me, but maybe someone else.. IDK. 

I also realize that all this bs devotion... is all in words..no actions.. explain to me how that works? I wasn't haven't ever heard her publicly display her love for me, they I have for her. and maybe that's enough in itself to know that I am the only one who's all in. 
I need the reassurance, I need something, anything, and the worst is she knows this...and yet here i am.. doubting...questioning, and not getting my own needs and desires met. 

I don't know how to get away.. I don't know what difference it makes whether Im here or not... Im struggling with belonging, struggling with family, struggling with friends, every time I bring this up it triggers emotions...because I'm reminded how alone I truly am. 
with her... I thought it was family, I thought it was purpose, I thought it was something worth living for, but I can't put that on her. I can't ask her to be that for me, and therefore... if I do that..what's left for us? she doesn't love me.. she doesn't care if I'm alive or dead right now, and there's no reason for me to be in her life.. I thought there was.. I thought we could make it work, and build on all this bs similar shit regarding family, building a family, and making a family, having this bs idea of forever love, but I realize this is all a fantasy. it's not possible... its not possible that i want this... I will destroy this rather then see it come to life, because i of all people do not deserve that type of love and devotion. 
I deserve pain, torment and heartache....

I can tell you almost fully all the people who would say that I deserve that because of all the things I've done in my life, maybe not horrific enough. but enough to be never forgiven, and to forever be outcast and on my own. 

so tell her...

Tell her

tell her that I love her. I have loved her from the first few weeks we met, I love her spirit, I love her soul, I absolutely loved her smile, and I loved her hand in mine, I love the way she slept with me, and the way we were so new that we felt the need to keep one another close, I love the way when I called or messaged that I needed her that she'd show up.
I love that when shit went down with my kid and the insane crazy stuff I was talking about doing, that she was right there with me.. ready to go to battle with me just for the sanity of my kid.
I love everything that we had before it turned into whatever this is now... I miss the days where she couldn't wait to talk to me, when she would call, and do whatever to hear from me, I miss her being passionate about me, and telling me she wanted to tell the whole world about me, or us.. I miss that I was the person she loved, that she did these beautiful things for... I miss the days when I felt special with her, and now I feel shitty..being reminded what I am getting all messed up over.. a few days of darkness... IDK>

I don't know how to reach her, and ask her to sit with me, how to ask her to talk to me... how to ask her to connect with me.. IDK how to do that, and if I asked.. I know I'd disrupt our lives for no reason. or she may not even want to show up. who knows. who the hell know.s.. I'll never get the answer I want though, she was right it's never enough with her. 

im losing my memory. Im losing my love. and I'm losing my purpose to wake up everyday. 

crumble in my brain

 Just as I said it was and I spoke it to truth.. I'm currently in the weird state that I don't understand what's going on, where we are going, and why we are where we are. 
my brain starts to remember back in the day when I was someone that mattered, when I was sought over to speak to, text, or whatever. that now I barely hear any words of love... 

the idea I feel is becoming someone who is relied on, and expected to be there, that my own feelings, desires and fears are no longer valid. I realize that I am putting myself in a position where I would allow anything to happen to me, to allow whatever they decided for us to be so. 
and I realize that this is what broke apart everything I've ever had, is when i gave up my control, my soul for another.. 

so I don't know how to get out of this, and I don't know what to think, and I don't know how i ever mattered.. What is it that is so special about me that makes people not want to know me at all?
To have no friends, no family, no hopes, no future. 

Why am I even still here?

the world talks as though we need connection, we need the sense of belonging to someone else, we need whatver the fuck it is.. and here I am without 
If I picked up the phone and asked for somoene to answer yes they probably would, but if I picked up the phone and asked that person to randomly show up to be in my presence that's a different story
my desire to need this connection if that's what it is, can't be over the phone. 

I feel shitty today.. I felt shitty yesterday. and I feel like my presence of being alive is being taken for granted. but I also feel...

I feel like what good have I done in my life? what makes someone want to be with me! Is it the bs person that I am normally, or is it something else. I couldn't tell you.. because Ive never been told why I matter to this person, and if that is even the truth, or if its a facade of reality that she believes.
I don't know how to test that loyalty and love, besides to walk away. 
Not that I want to walk away and not that I want to test it.. I'm supposed to have faith in that love, but when I realize now that I don't know what that loves has brought to my life? 
ALlegedly for her she loves me for selfish reasons that she won't tell me.. and therefore does that mean its not love at all! Because the fact is... we arent even together for the right reasons? 

I just want to stop feeling everything, stop feeling the pain, doubts, and fears.. I want to know.. and then if I know what I feel like I know than why are we even here anymore.. why does she stay? because I've become someone she likes to rely on? I don't know. I don't fuckin know why we stay. why we are together, why we believe we've had good days.. we haven't.. and it hasn't gotten better, and doesnt look good to get there. 

I'd rather slip away.. and let this be it for me. because I'm terrified of continuing to feel hurt when there isn't supposed to be hurt, there isn't supposed to be doubt, at least that's what all these pieces of shit people have told me.

IDK where to go from here. I don't know how to ask why me. why me, why do I matter in anyway whatsoever.. I can name a bunch of people who would have been better off not knowing me at all. and I can say she will likely regret ever having met me. 

too good to be true

 Its weird to write this after everything I wrote earlier.. I realize now that I get in my head, and overthink absolutely everything and then i fall apart on my own. I pay the price for those as well. Everything I wrote was not truth, was not real, and was not me.. 

It feels beyond difficult to know what is truth, what is real, and what is worth having in my life. Reality is this..

I am in a relationship.. as much as there have been moments of doubt, moments of fear, there is something that has held true beyond all those things..and it's love... Recently I had told my partner that I doubted whether this was real, and her response was remember us... An in saying that... I realized what we've been through.. it's been an intense relationship for the months it's been, the downfalls both of us have had but stood by one another.. and the love beyond all things, and non-judgements where else do we get that? 
If I would have voiced my fears or concerns to her the day it all happened, what happened would not have happened, and that's where I have to man up? open up? All my own fears are exactly that! MY OWN FEARS. reality is she is committed, she loves me more than she's ever loved before, and she wants a forever love with me. 
I remember when we got back together I had said we may not be a forever love, but we are a love right now, and now it is on the verge to forever. 

What downfalls are there for us? We both have the same values, same desires, and same love, and same drive to push one another to do better? Or not that we both love one another to want to be better on our own? 

I don't know.. I'm speaking crazy shit! 

It feels like a love I need right now.. after everything thats happened, all the changes I'm moving towards now.. there is hope for love for me... 
I really felt the loss...when everything fell apart.. I felt the brokenness of knowing what I'm walking away from, and I felt the pain of that.. but now.... 
Now it's like I'm walking to a love that is forever, a love that has withstood the hands of the devil, and the angels... IDK. Whatever love we have found has been sacred beautiful and breathtaking... 

In my mind... I question EVERYTHING!!!! 

AN I'm always waiting for the real reality to kick in an knock me down and say haha fooled you, because who am I to deserve this love? Who am I to deserve happiness? 
Do you know how hard it was to accept this? and to hold onto it? or to be terrified of losing it? 

I've been through so much, my partner has been through so much... and we both are at a point in our lives where we found love.. real love..not the fake love, def not the pandemic love (hehe) but real hardcore, solid to the earth, true to our souls a love deeper than either of us have ever felt before.. 
we strive to keep it alive, we communicate, we love, we spend time, we talk, we do whatever we can to keep us strong.. but... for me...

because I am who I am.. I've come from where I've come from.. I struggle.. I often struggle with why did she say that, why did she tell me this, what is it she means by this.. and then I go into these dark places like maybe this love isn't what she wants, or strives for, or maybe she'll finally see the beast and be terrified because it isn't a nice person, it isn't a person.. 

but each day... each morning, each night.. we love stronger, harder and deeper. we are a love that lasts, we are a love that is public viewing, we are a beautiful soul as one, and we are two halves of a perfect soul apart. 
so then we say.....

what's next!!!

what's next is insane! because we talk about family. we talk about marriage, we talk about EVERYTHING and in that talk.. I get excited and terrified. because if and when this fucks up it will be me.. as much as I try hold true to my word of love an bond to her, there are days when I am not me, and I am completely someone else, and that someone else is super destructive, and super sabotaging, and that is also who I am, but sometimes, like she said I sabotage myself.. and I let things pile up to resentment.. 
THe beast of me.. is me..but not...

That thing! that person.. that piece of me is darkness..my verison of darkness that is set loose to protect me, by whatever form that it may take, shutting off my emotions, self-harm, or burning bridges with all those that love me.. 
not suicide please don't get me wrong.. I do not think that way I mean I have.. but what I'm talking about is someone, something that comes to my defense, just in saying that..maybe you don't understand..

I'll use metaphore.. think of VENOM the movie with Tom Hardy.. He gets infected by the Venom and becomes someone, but there are times  he becomes that part of him as a way of self-preservation, and in that body 2 people exist, one is the soft, investigative reporter, and the other chops off peoples heads and eats them lol. 
but that's what I mean.. the other part of him is the part that comes to his defense, protects him, and pushes him sometimes to do not good things.

that's what I believe happens to me.. and although sometimes I remember those encounters with myself and the person I was... sometimes I look back at messages I've sent and I don't know who would say those things, what went on in my head to make me say those things. Does that make sense? 

IDK... I'm just crazy!!

Good news finally getting help.. I've reached help point now... and sent out dozens of emails, and applications, searching for help.. and I finally found it. so I'm grateful for that... 

alls I want to do is move forward and not destroy the love we have right now, but to lavish in its beautiful memories, and laughters, and happiness... 

in order to do that I have to deal with my darkness.. to move on from it.. 

feeling pain

 I wish there were easier ways to express the emotions that I have... like being able to communicate how difficult it was today to not feel the love.. feeling like maybe I've done something wrong.. my own mentality.. 

I have struggled all day with these shitty thoughts... wondering how anyone could love this type of monster of me..and I dont mean the good part of me but the bad part, the part that doubts everything, second guesses everything, and the part of me that is completely psychotic in ever human way. 
I don't believe that part of me deserves love, or no.. I don't know if that part of me can feel love. 

I am struggling... I am breaking down every couple minutes because I'm hurting, I'm hurting because I didn't voice my pain, I didn't voice the rejection I felt, or the lack of love that I felt.. and what it brings up for me.. which is lame because I should be used of it....
Reality is this!

once you captivate, motivate, uplift, or love...its something that you desire, yearn, want as often as can be given, and when there's no love... or whatever all the old feelings come back like maybe your not loved, your not cared for

I'm mad struggling right now... 

I want to call.. I want her to feel me feeling this way and to call. but I don't think she will. 

Im struggling with what's real.. or if this this reality is worth moving forward with.. is it too much... why did we talk like that? why did we mention that. why why why! 

how can we love...when we can't even communicate properly. it's not just me.. its not just me.. and I don't understand. 

I just need to figure this out.. I need to know what I should do.. I don't know what to do.. most would say call but if I call.. I guarantee I'll mess this all up over whatever non truth is going on in my head. but if i don't call I'm still where I am..and IDK what to do.. I feel sick.

alot of the last little bit I've been struggling with "belonging" to any family an any person.. that can make anyone feel lost.. when you spend your whole life as this person and now I'm not that person any longer, and in fact I'm planning on burying that person.. but now for now.. I feel lost.. I feel locked somewhere not knowing who I am, or who I'm meant ot be.. 
and maybe because of that my feelings of wanting to give up on all that is good, all that is great allegedly. although I don't get how it's great or good.. I feel the opposite.. 

i dont know.. i feel beyond shitty.. and I dont have the desire to call..but I do. 

day of struggle

 It felt like the first time in awhile... that we finally sort of opened up about situations regarding today, or weaknesses.. these are my favorite topics because we talk, we talk real, we get real into it an we learn another thing about one another that we didn't know before. but like so many struggling people in the world.. how do we get through it.. how do we find the way through the dark moments? 
I feel like a failure that I couldn't do more? be more? act more? or have the right words in it all. I just have love and understanding and maybe that's enough but it doesn't feel like it.. 

I'm struggling with my own stuff in the world of parenthood.. the struggle of all the ideas of everything i've given up for my kid.. you know some parents? in normal word have time to decide on all this, have time to cope with what they want to do. but me... I remember when we started this process.. I dont think I thought it through.. I thought that his parents would come back, I thought they'd blow off some steam and come back.. but they havent yet. 
I'm realizing that the years that have gone by.. I'm terrified of failing this kid.. I'm terrified of doing wrong by him, I hardly know how to be a parent, I hardly know how to take care of myself.. and I'm expected to what? provide for him for the next 20 yrs? or longer. that is a lot to think about, and more so with not having a family, or the proper supports with family. 
I just don't want to destroy this poor kid who deserves a chance at a good life and good future worth living and fighting for, but I just feel like his biggest obstacle could be having me in his life... just because I've got my own brokenness, my own shortcomings, my own faults, my own demons.. 

I love so much... I love so deeply. I love so affectionately I don't know any other way, and I hardly know how this way benefits me. because not everyone can and/or is capable of this kind of love. 

I don't even know if it's love. you know I thought of that today.. Love was never part of my upbringing, I mean I'm sure they didn't have me randomly maybe they did, but love was never part of our language at all, it wasn't something that was said, of hugs, or anything of the sort. it was only when I became a teenager that I started searching for love.. and one day that love knocked on my door.. and i was invited to church and I started going, and that was where I found a love, deeper than I've ever felt, and the love and unity between the people i met, that was the first time for me.. and IDK I don't know how those things stuck with me, but I knw in my heart of hearts, I didn't ever want my family to grow up not knowing love, so I tried to share wtih them all the things I had wished my family had done wiht me. like the hugs, the ILY and the nightly books,and bs whatever. 

I just feel unworthy of it all today 

the world is what it is.. and I am who I am.. the choices I've made that led me to now..were mine..adn the choices I made to the next month adn that no one knows about all that is hard to live with. 
people out here celebrating this shit.. and I spent the next four weeks in agonizing silent pain and struggling to find purpose in each day. 
IDK.. I am not who I was.. but I still feel that pain as if it were yesterday. I know time heals blah blah blah but does it heal when we dont tell people the truth? 
IDK. 

It feels shitty..

I feel crappy.. and the days that follow idk... strive to keep moving forward but I may hit some obstacles and brick walls on the way to greatness...just hope I can withstand it I guess.

Fcuk family

 Im struggling because for the past year now I've been on my own.. in the sense we had a major falling out last year, where the cops were, and I was investigated by social services as I am a mother, and foster parent. 

It ruined everything in my family, but it also brought some much needed perspective to my life, the consuming of my family, the feeling of needing to take care of them, or needing them to be around me? I'm not really sure.. but since being apart, I've realized how alone it can feel, to not have that connection, to not have that respect, to not have any desire to be with them on holidays. 
I'm hurt right now because the only family I do have are two brothers, and the fact that I had my entire day planned around one of them babysitting for me...and the fact it is now almost noon and they are not here. it hurts.. It makes me see or feel that I have no respect, that even in the midst of everything I am not matttering to anyone. 

So I want to take the next step to sever all ties with my family, I have spent my whole life with this family name and the name my family gave me I want to bury it all.. so I'm in search of finding a new name, new family, no longer holding onto what I had because it was never good for me anyway.. but I have to also decide what that means for my kid. 
because he loves them, and right now they are all the family he has as well.. so I have to decide whether I should take him from them as well. it's a hard choice.. because in some ways they matter so much to him but in others they dont care about him in any way.

I just hate that its come to this.. and that I just want to end it.. end the pain I feel in knowing Im all alone, and that there is no one who cares enough to adopt me, be in my life. or anything. 

feeling helpless

 It feels like no matter what I do, say, or act it's never enough.. I'm stuck with these thoughts of hopelessness, these thoughts of who'd be better off.. I don't like all these moments of sadness, or moments of pain, and I just want to be able to help, support, bring an ounce of happiness, or joy.. but instead... I just feel like I'm part of the problem, because i can't seem to get out of my own head about it all, and I can't seem to know, say, or act the right way. 

It makes the process so much more difficult because I'm not wanting to make it about me, but once we were in this place and it helped to be around me, and now that isn't the case, that I am any better than whatever.. it makes me want to cry, because I feel like I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say, and I don't know how to act.
I think for me as a person... I care so deeply, if I could I'd take on all this pain, all this brokenness that she felt for as long as she has felt, just to take it on for her and let her live free of it, just for now, let her see a light, the light, whatever fucking thing that just makes her feel something other than whatever shes feeling..
I need to do those things because that's who I have always been.. and yet here I am doing nothing, being nothing, and thinking I am nothing.. I am not worthy enough to take this on, I'm not strong enough to carry her, or whatever, and in these moments I just want to destroy myself, because it' hurts... it hurts the one person I love, an want to be with has no desires or hopes, or ideas about the future that are positive... I don't know how to get out of this. and I know that I have to find a way, because this won't be the first time we are here. because it's repeat cycle, we go through these dark places, but before I felt like I could help, and now i feel like I'm part of the burden 

I reach out for help trying to ask for advice, trying to ask how to be here, and the answers are shitty, and then I'm stuck feeling worse, with only what feels like one option... to shut it all down, to stop letting myself feel anything, because it's not my shit to carry, but if someone you love is going through stuff, do you not go through it too, because we have to be there for them, even if we can't do anything for them.  I hate these moments..because I always make bad choices in these moments, and I don't want too. 

I hate that no matter what happens we've rarely caught a break, we've rarely been able to be anywhere worthy of happiness and joy.. and that even if I take a moment to try let that love and happiness prevail it always gets shot down, and I refuse to walk away, I refuse to give up, I see the future can be great, I see that we can be happy, I see so much greatness, so much laughter, so much joy, and I don't know how to let her see that we deserve that, it's funny we fought a lot because I couldn't see happiness, and now it's all I see, and it's all I want to strive toward, because we deserve it, we've been through too much, and no matter how many hurdles, how may stumbles, we will get there. I will find a way, I'll be happy with her, and we'll find a balance, build a life, and be forever together always.. because that is all we want.. 
Yes I'm crazy!

I know it's crazy..but it's reality it's possible, it's literally just around the corner... but we have to get through this I geuss.. I feel shitty I can't be any kind of joy and happiness for her, and I wish there was something i could say or do to make it be real for her, but I just don't know anymore.. I need guidance and I need hope... IDK. I'm hating what has happened... and how it feel s

luck...is weird...

I tried to ask a simple question and it wasn't answered so I'm going to send it here. For the last while I feel like I've been on a mind race.. thinking of those moments. The moments where you know your life is going to change. Or in the process of change.

I definitely only want positive changes and I definitely want a forever lasting love. But that's just hope or wishes...

Recently... out of what randomness of life. My partner sent me a message saying she's lucky to have me. And I stated it wasn't luck it's love. Now I don't doubt anything in the universe. 

But I did start to think about luck. What is luck? How many times can someone be lucky ? How many times can love be found an lavished ? Idk. What I'm getting at but I'm confused how lucky it is to have someone in their lives. 

When we met we were in one another lives... an me being me I didn't see the love she had for me. Or at least the desire she had to be with me. I was completely thinking I wasn't even an option. I thought something completely different.. and it took my best friend to tell me what likely was in front of my face for months. I believe when I was told... I was finally ready to hear it. Before knowing what she knew. I was somewhere else into someone who wouldn't give me the time of day... whcih was great.  I definitely don't want to be an option or 2nd choice. I believe that my love for people I love is undeniable an unbreakable. At least my brain thinks this.

But the things I think about... is when... when did she know that she would love me. That she would want to be with me. 

I'm beyond grateful an absolutely infatuated with one person yes. But when we got together I hardly could see the future. I hardly knew it would be possible to be where we are, an not only that but to look to the future. 

I spent so much time trying to hide from happiness. Trying to hide from being loved. I pushed too far an for a very brief moment I lost that love. An I fought to get it back...promising I wouldn't become the person I was. The person I name as my beast of burden

But for me in choosing to not allow that part of me to come to life it's almost like it's always in my head. 

I scream.. I yell. I preach about how happy I am How amazing it feels to be loved. To be in love. But there's a part of me I feel it. There is a part of me that is still here afraid? 

I keep remembering that quote or whatever about finding love an how people do everything they can to hold onto it but that....they forget to enjoy it. 

I dont truly remember everything. But I definitely don't want to spend my time doubting the love and happiness. 

I do wonder what luck is though. How does luck play a role in how we found one another how does luck tell us we're happy. Or how do we feel lucky to be with someone. If the luck has something to do with us does that mean happiness an love are here as well? Not just that but the commitment of it all. In looking to the future. And all the beauty it holds etc. 

Why does luck bother me. Why does it sound strange to be lucky to have been found ? Or to have love found for us or within one another? I don't get it lol

I love where we're at. But I also only want the best the future has to offer us. We all deserve happiness an love. An I want to lavish in that forever. 

I'm overthinking everything right now. I just got to live in the now. An be happy to be in our love. Have faith in our love. And build on that. Does that make sense.

I feel like I'm losing my mind right now...the race is on and I'm trying to not let it get too far...but I need something to hold onto. Idk idk. I don't know what I'm talking about. 

Keep moving forward in the love.......

world is what it is

I'm currently struggling with lots of thoughts. A lot of misconception about myself. I am trying to be ok but honestly I wish some of the choices I made weren't what they are. Or that I didn't feel so alone in it all to be able to be honest and feel like i could be heard during this time.

I've found myself in a weird head space in trying to i guess make sense of everything I mean the person I become. Is still a mystery to me. No matter what it's me in all my words an actions but it's also not me. I don't get how to explain that.

I'm struggling with thoughts that came about an I'm struggling with whether it's safe to ask questions even though I know the answers. I've always known the answers then why do I need to hear them? What does it do

For what felt like first time for me...we talked about the Future.. an it was Beautiful...but also completely insane because when I look to the future a part of me can see it, and parts of me wants to speak those into reality. I believe in the love that I have found but the other part of that.. is our dark sides.. we both have trauma and I guess we have to learn to deal with that in healthy ways so that we don't mess with my kids future..  but then if this is what I think it could be..  ugh I cannot say it enough.. 

It's amazing to feel happiness.  I have no doubts about our desires or our future. I dont the other side of me... when I speak about this other side of me I'm speaking of similarity of the movie "Split" I'm not saying there's all these  people living in my body but that I believe in one. One part of me that is darkness that has been telling me lies? Or telling me things for self preservation If that makes angel sense. I've been tested I've been hurt and I have hurt 

I always think that part of me accepts the love I'm in and that I can enjoy the happiness...but then something happens. Like the other day without even trying to ruin anything I seemed to have sabotaged it all for no reason 

We were within reason to want to do whatever.. but maybe the communication was lacking? I don't know. Some days were on a level that is immovable but other times it's like we're on different planets an its in those times I see or feel she is being realistic sn then I act? I react? I don't know how to explain it 

It's as though I'm reacting or cresting or reading into things that have no merit. Why can't I accept the love an acceptance that she clearly feels for me.

I sometimes joke around that she better care for me. But she's proven it.. enough times. 

Then why does this other part of me do these things or read this way

I just know I need help...  I know that I'm in a place in my head that I can get out of. But I also feel like this other part of me doesn't want to get out of it? An or I wanna remain scared of taking the next step? But what is the step? And when does it happen

Idk I'm rambling.... I'm grateful for the life we live but I also not sure what do I do....

How do I try make it greater 

regular cycles

 I am writing only because there isn't much to do this late at night, but also because I realize that I get myself into trouble for no reason... I don't know if its a self sabotage thing or if IDK I cant explain it.. everything was great and then I woke up and it was just falling apart and I dont get why, other than i was creating an argument for no reason. 

It felt really shitty to be honest to feel whatever I was feeling and I had no reason for it? other than what? I hardly know the words to express what the hell happened.. I'm lucky that I have a partner who knows this as well as me.but I really get tired of my own bs. I don't get how to stop these things from happening, I dont know why it happened. 
I literally felt like we took it to the next level in our relationship and things were amazingly beautiful and then all of a sudden was like I became someone else, or I read every text out of context? out of my views or my ways of argument? I don't get it.

I'm having no hard times with this, but maybe I was scared? rejected? disappointed? I'm not freakin sure what the hell happened, and I really hope to find help one day because I'm tired of being that person, I don't even know why I'd ever think she'd talk badly about my kid, or about our days together, there are limited and far between, but I just want it to be forever in good spaces don't we deserve that. 
I mean man I wish I could write truth, I wish I could say what happened, and say how it happened and how amazing it was to feel that good, and to be in control... but then my mindset? my bs morning I almost and sort of destroyed us.... and it wasn't my intention..

I just had a different idea of the day and what was going to unfold and maybe both her and i need to work on that communication shit.. I mean I thought we were doing great, but then just like that it came all back..and I was able to recover us and everything but I felt like an idiot, and I hate that I made her feel what she felt.. I wish I didn't do that but I don't know how to stop that..
Its like this bs voice in the back of it all saying all this stuff and sometimes not often but sometimes its like it comes out, an i say or do something ridiculous and then I'm stuck with this BS> 
We had some great talks this week, honestly not that many bad moments so I believe it's progress. but I don't like my weaknesses, I wish I knew how to get that under control...

I also have my own habits? bad addictions? that maybe she's aware of maybe not

I don't know today I felt like i was looking for a reason? a reason to argue? Ive been great and maybe was lack of caffeine lack of proper communication... I really suck at that, and it really blows up a lot of important things for us, and its never my intention.. I wish I could express it...

I really would love more great days, random moment,s and proper everything.. in time for sure but I just... I want everything, I want everything now if that makes sense...

I got no real complaints Id love more fun, more happiness, more good days, and less bs... thats about all I'll say..