Monday, November 30, 2009

done and done.

Where to begin with my life? I have seen in great detail how I could benefit from this course in dealing with my family, dealing with my relationships...However I struggle tremendously with the idea of choosing to apply this course into my life, I think it would diminish my role in my family, my role in my relationships... In the end would cause a vulnerability that I am not prepared for..
I have had the chance for a week or eight days to look at this course, soak in all the knowledge that I could, write, and did role plays to learn how to apply it into my life... I don't think anytime soon will I be able to use this course in my life hopefully later on in my life.

Away from class and all that fun stuff.. I was hoping to run away to be real honest... I'm not sure I'll be leaving to go anywhere... I want to and wish that I had more people who were people I could turn too in times such as now. I am struggling a lot again and this time it's about how messed up I feel that I am, of all the accomplishments I've ever had I have been unable to get in a place of feeling like my life is worth living. I'm not saying that in the sense that I want to end it.. hold on... lol My life isn't about trying to die or commit suicide or anything I'm trying and hoping that those situations are over with in my life... However when I look at this program that I'm in the idea of College and before I knew where it was going, I had one goal in mind and thought this program would get me there.. As I've struggled the last six months and realized how truly I will not reach that goal... It has forced me to check out where my life is going, and realizing I'm honestly not going anywhere with this program, with my life..

I'm sure people struggle to hear how messed up I am and all that... In even dealing with my one amazing lady... I pull back from and go to her, and pull back... and than I am naive enough to go back into journal entries that start to add up too the major factor... that I am destroying her life by living my life this way.. the pressure of dealing with myself is enough, and than now trying to be open enough to care enough to send a text, send a hello or whatever it is that she needs from me... You see a month ago... something tremendous happened and it really impacted my life in a really great way, she had given me something valuable, and I have carried it throughout the month... This little reminder that I am not where I was, and that in six months there are parts of me that have changed.. but in the last week... I have felt ashamed of having this valuable piece she gave to me, to the point that I want to give it back because... I find myself wasting away in this turmoil... I am needing so desperately for an answer, for a hope, for a future...
In the end I no longer see the benefit of the goodness of her... the greatness of my life.. the part of me that so many people see the fighter, the survivor, and the one that is going to impact many... I have lost hope in that person, that person that rose to the occasion to fight for my life without reason, just desire for change. I have lost hope in that person that survived from June 3 and struggled this much...

In the end I see the beast continuing to rise up in me... continuing to bring about the heartache that I felt I deserved and the worthless feeling that I have in myself and my ability to make it through these situations, and circumstances effectively.

This is the sad part of it... for the first time in a while the feeling rises up in me the darkness the beast, and the burdens it carries to envelope me and destroy every good thing that helped me survive.. It bothers me tremendously that people believed in me so much, that people who didn't even know me would say how strong I was, and how confident I am in the future... when really break it down throw down the wall you see the broken shattered Jessie, dying a painful slow death of destruction... I waste away in the darkness... I close my eyes hoping that for just one moment just one moment I might feel love again, that I might feel strength, that I might feel hope, that I might get through this... each time I see myself burying myself alive really, and losing every opportunity to really truly effectively get through these circumstances in my life.

I have made the decision I will not be celebrating Christmas with my family, I have disconnected from them completely, and I have desired to leave just waiting for the right moment and the only place I can think of going is Ft.St. James where my father is buried. It almost seems like there is nothing else you know? no one else.. no where else...

To feel this way.. to be this way.. to act this way... to see myself... to truly see myself as I reacted, and acted in this course at school was a true opportunity to see the beast I am and the person that I am that's never really changed.


Monday, November 23, 2009

avoiding the situation

How do I productively talk about situations in my life that have effected me in a way that has or will prove to me that I can not productively be in someone's life for the reasons that I feel I can't deal with those people. I'm talking about a specific situation that I have had to deal with and it's family, the people I feel are at times destroying the light that keeps me going. I have strongly found it difficult to talk with them, hang out with them, or acknowledge that we live in Vancouver together.
This past few weeks I have had to deal with emotional problems in productive ways, I have found it difficult when I felt that others were not being productive. Meaning my family has always been this way, continues to be this way, in not taking care of themselves or each other. The only regret that I feel I have is that I am unable to be there for them when I see that they could be doing better they could make better choices. As a result of these recent outcomes of my visits with my family is that I have had to set myself apart from them, disconnect with them completely. As a result I feel really sad that I have had this outcome, that it's taken me years to realize the person I am to them, but now realizing my limitations and my boundaries.
It was the first since I moved back to Vancouver that I realized for a brief moment how I regretted moving back.... It hurt me a lot to have to realize the effect my family has on me, and my choices. It took me this long to realize the drain I feel in talking with my family, with each conversation being about others wanting to die, or continuing to make the same poor decisions and expect me to respond to that. I have realized that as much as I am here for them I have also needed to be set apart from them.

The life I have chosen is far different, separate even from my family. I am not meant to live the same way they choose too, I have gone places, been to extraordinary places, and met some amazing people that have been a good example of what it means to live life for myself. For me to look at myself and see that I am definitely not my family is a huge deal for me. The impact however that this decision has had on me has been negative I have felt that I could not be in contact with my family, and because Christmas is coming up I am not certain if I will be able to resolve these issues I have or will I be spending Christmas alone or up north which is far far away and alone. It breaks my heart that I have had to go to this extent in separate myself from my family.

I cannot be productive in conversation with my family, I have found that even talking to them about how I feel, or what they say or do effects me it does not help, it does not change what they are doing, but still hurts me. It makes me sad to realize where I'm at and that I cannot be in contact with my family... The situations my family has had to deal with and the ways they have chosen to deal with them has been a result that is far from the right one.

Apart from the drama of my family and all that I have had to see with this stuff.. I'm in school which has been a very interesting place I find myself especially in this time. At the moment my course is "Conflict resolution" I have found it very challenging and different from the ways I have dealt with conflict, or my own feelings. I have been learning how to be productive in my conversations about conflict with others. I still have not found the time to deal with conflict itself and worry to the extent if I ever had to deal with conflict in what ways I would respond. I believe that the process of dealing with conflict resolution may take longer for me to deal with situations because I still am just learning my faults in my relationships, my reactions, and the explosive reactions I have in dealing with someone I have a conflict with.
School has become a difficult challenging experience but will hopefully be productive and one day I'll be able to apply it to my life and maybe have a better relationship with those I have in my life.

I'm around a while but may leave in December with no real idea of where I'm going or what I'm doing but knowing that I have to leave in order to deal with myself, and the situations I've had to face with my family.

That's all for now!

Friday, November 13, 2009


It's been weeks of my life going in spirals and twirls and flips and just outta control... but I'm here now and regardless of every bad thing that's happened the good comes from it!!
the last few weeks I've spent countless times in the hospital for an Asthma attack, and then for my baby sister because she got hurt and she got surgery and stitches and a cast...

there have been many great things I've learned in the weeks of these events moments that i wish I could store away forever and just remember those days in days like these. I'm told that I've discovered something pretty significant and pretty great... for the time these last six months I've struggled tremendously with only one great good lady my lady in my life... yet when I thought about my life these past six months with the good.... I have created the bad I have created the self-destruction of my own body and self, afraid to connect or accept that there is good and that sometimes it can be tremendous.. I created the last six months of my life in a terrible state of mind unable to accept the good in life because it's unfamiliar.

On top of which i have also discovered the significance it's been for me to be here... In Vancouver going through this experience with my sister showed me how much she wants and desires to be like me, and how much of a support and amazing person I am to be here for her. for all my family members... to have moved back and for the first truly seeing the impact I have on my family members it was a significant day for me..

The two week trend that began on Halloween got side tracked I had explained to my supports that i can see the cycle beginning of my life going down the drain. yet it didn't take my supports to be with me, contact me, or anything... even though i knew i needed them i didn't reach out to them tremendously... and even in all that i had been feeling and dealing with... I was able to see the person i didn't want to become, and that i truly and utterly am struggling to live but for the first time this season or moment in my life I don't want it all to end. I might not know how to enjoy life, enjoy who I am as a person, but i know that I don't want it all to end.. which for me is very significant... but even which... I see something trying.. or evening winning in a battle of my own self..

I can only hope that I find my way through these events in my life... and even through this last week and half of my life I have been able to witness the horrible events in my life... i hope that i find a way regardless of everything I am, and everything i've done.. I just need to be okay and I need to enjoy life for the next few days it's all I got right now..

well i better go... I will do what i can where I can... and hope for better results in the future.