strength in faith

I have been in a weird place... you know when you spend all this time alone... you overthink an begin to doubt every relationship that hasn't sought out to check on you. That's how it felt... 

I was left behind just as so many.. I dont really know who friends are. Are they only friends as we mutually take away from one another 

I couldn't imagine being in lockdown.. I see why so many people struggled... an hearing that people have tried to end their lives.

I'm completely unsure.... my heart feels broken... an I love my partner more than anything but.... what she has going on.... where she's at... she seems to be unwilling to let me in. If I mattered wouldn't I be by her side. Not being left in the dark? I don't like how I feel.

So alot of the time the reason behind why I'm always left in the dark is because she is not herself in these spaces in her head. An if she let's herself be around me then she lashes out ? Or acts out of her regular character. An or just does something that hurts us. At least these are the things I believe she has told me. But realistically 

If I mattered to her wouldn't she be willing to show me herself... in all her faces. Her personality. Her darkness her doubts fears etc.

When we've been together as long as we have. Shouldn't we be more than what we currently are. Because it seems we're going back to only seeing each other once a month. An I'm begging to hear from her. 

If I didn't say anything it's as though I wouldn't exist in her life an yet she states that I matter most of all. But how can I matter when I'm not even present in her life.

But if i say that... it turns too... what is life like without this love. Without this worry. I want the future we planned. She wants the future we planned. Then what in the world is stopping that from happening. That is the question that I can't answer because as much as I'm talking to her... it's not her that I'm talking to. An that is the difficulty of where I'm at. 

I am hurting. I'm hurt. An I dont know what to do I can't call anyone because there isn't anyone to call. So I'm lost in this stupid mentality of not knowing what to do or think. I just need to feel. Anything. Anything at all that makes sense. Because nothing about this shit makes sense to me. How can this be love if she can't even be honest with me. To share her darkest parts of herself with me. An not want to relish in our happiest moments. 

I feel like breaking down. I feel sad. Hurt. Alone. An in a dark room an I need to be ok. I need to get thro this without doing what I always do. 

Because I'm in a moment of sabotage it all. Because it isn't real. It's not what is real. But it's the bs cycle I'll have to endure every month for the rest of my life. But I still assume if I endure it then maybe she'll let me in and see I'm not going anywhere an I love her regardless of whoever or whatever is in her head. Because I know who she is. I want to spend eternity with that woman. An I gave that lady my heart. An she controls this all but I want to be able to have some control to show her the love I have for her thro my eyes. 

She'll see something beautiful...if she would just give me a chance to prove we are worthy of greatness. We are better than all this bs darkness. We have done enough. We deserve to be happy. An that's where we can be.