truly remain yours

I'm consistently struggling..an I dont know if that's normal... I mean... realistically is love meant to be easy to get into an out of. Or is meant to push the boundaries. To push your need for comfortable zones. Push your vulnerabilities. So that you begin to trust the person you say you love.

It's not meant to be an easy decision..

I'll forever been imprinted...by the love that I never had. Because I believe that I had found that love. Maybe I didn't. But maybe I did. What my life would have looked like if my morals weren't about family protecting them etc.

But because I am the protector... I left that love. An that history back in Ontario. 

My time in BC.. I'd like to say I jumped in an out of relationships. But I'm not the type. So I went into some sort term..long term places...only once since being here did I truly believe in thst love.. 

And even then, as the world falls to pieces... as the love becomes harder to hold onto 

I found something

A love deeper than i could express  an to have captivate that love

Regardless the reason its important 

I'm too exhausted 

So I'm asking all these things cause....we aren't able to do the next steps

We have changes we have to make.. but how long. When..  how do we know what that love is an how do make the changes to the steps...with having no freaking Idea when. Where how. When....what

There's so many ideas... an idk. I want the next steps but I'm also not sure,

trying times

I find myself realizing how much I've sacrificed. An how difficult that is. I don't know how to make necessary changes so that I can feel content with myself an my life. 

I'm losing my feeling for anything. My need an desire for connection seems to be lost. An I'm realizing I don't know anything anymore.   

Once again I had everything figured out or planned an now... I dont know anything that is real or normal idk how to bring us out of this darkness. 

I dont know if it's worth moving forward. I don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I spent so much time.. I loved my life so much that now I'm realizing. What am I living for. 

I feel like I'm failing... I'm failing at living my best life. I'm sure at the end of the year that's how we all feel. Especially because I didn't really make any goals. Except to do more. Lol be more than I was from this last year.

An I haven't. 

The car crashes. The work. The kid. The relationship all held me up.  An it feel like idk if my relationship is meaningful enough to make us want to move forward or be more. I don't wanna stay the same way. I want to try new things. Be somewhere other than here. An there's so much riding on us not doing that. An that's hard to work with...because we never get time. We never get to be with one another long enough to make solid plans that actually work out. If I ask for these plans I always get the shit end. An maybe that's on purpose maybe that's an accident or maybe that's just my luck. I'm not sure what to think of it.

Just like before Christmas...my partner had said she basically wasn't gonna see me. An I was hurt but it's like the wedge pulling us further apart. So I thought fine. But then she showed up an not only that stayed with me. An I felt like am I expected to perform? To please her. To make her time with me more valuable? I ask what do you wanna do an its always met with silence. I try think of things but I don't have that much money so I can't really give her the world. An so we end up at home. In this messy disgusting house because that's how my kid an my brother have lived.  An it feels nearly impossible to try break their habits. But I have to come up with something because more an more I'm unhappy. I dont come home to my nice clean house. I come home to a disaster easily prevented if my idiot brother would get off his ass. Or if I get rid of like 6 boxes of toys. So much going on in my head.. an for what feels like the first time I dont have anyone I can call. See or talk too. 

It's been a long time since I felt alone... to this point. An I know that this feeling isn't new it's just more abruptly interference in my life. 

I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel. Alls I know is that I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. An in my hurt I'm reacting in ways that are old patterns. An in doing that. More shit becomes dangerous. 

Will it get better...will it evrr be more than this. Because right now I feel like it's not worth much. I'm not worth much an I dont know what to do. Or who to find myself. .

The trials I'm facing outweigh by too much that I don't know how to be successful in my daily life any longer. 

struggling year

This time of year is difficult for some.  It's my 2nd year I guess of not being a part of the family events.. last year I was able to create my own but it was a disaster. So this year I'm sending my kid off to spend Christmas with his grams. 

But it leaves me wondering what will I Do. Idk this year has been so uncertain so difficult an painful so hard to stay connected or want to be connected 

The once upon a time of thinking this was my forever life. The forever beauty of a future. Family. Life. An in one stupid moment I just too worries about putting myself out there..

I find I'm consistently questioning whether the world I live in is real. Because of all the brokenness an lack of being able to catch a break 

Places that meant the world to me that I wanted to share with my partner now just feel tainted. 

I am struggling to feel anything. That isn't a good thing. 

More an more the disconnect. The need to allegedly rely on faith.it isn't easy an I'm finding myself doubtful of anything ever making it. 

I want this future we talked about. I want it all to be real but in the back of my mind...there's a hint of doubt. There's been so much separation. 

I went thro our old texts.  Once upon a time. Allegedly just being in my presence was enough to make my partner feel most alive. Most loved. Most appreciated. 

An now. I don't see her. I barely talk to her. We aren't connecting the way we used too. An the communications are only in text messages. It just seems so difficult.

How does one bring back...life. love. Communication. Commitment back into our relationship rather than drifting apart. Altho I dont feel like I'm doing or living our best lives.

Most of the time... I just don't know who or whether we going to go the distance. I want to

I thought about our future so long. I made plans 

I'm struggling to stay awake. I'm exhausted

..the last week. Just so tired

So much 

one year

I guess we had faith this time would come. We had hopes an dreams. There's so much wrapped around this month. An for me. I hold so much value in honoring our time together but also recognize that we are in a different place. A year ago.   It was that she couldn't wait to be in my presence just to be present with me. Just to snuggle or be together. An now.  I've seen her but not seen her. 

An what I mean by that.  Is that. . There currently is so much struggle for her. And I know she knows the weight of it.  But she is carrying so much all on its own but it feels like... our relationship is no longer the centre. And in the year..the health for her has been unbelievable. 

More an more I spend my time not understanding what is going on and how I can support her. An today I had realized.   I actually wasn't as present with her as I had hoped to be. 

I barely tried to talk to her. An it wasn't out of not wanting to it just that it was a busy day at work. On top of that I had my own stuff come up...that I had to work thro I had to figure out. Idk 

But seeing us going into this anniversary... I want it to be great but I'm not sure it will an also. I had memories of the extent or length I've gone to in the past.  An it never matters. 

What I'd rather more than anything is just to be in her life.. or to have her want or need or anything to let me in. 

Memories are good an bad. Because yes we made it things long but reality also is the one year ago.   We tried to connect more. We spent more time talking. Spending time together while at work. An different things like that. .

I miss everything. I miss the fun. I miss the connectedness... an I worry with the time apart an distance she may go back to the same ideas as before in thinning maybe we aren't forever. 

I'm literally counting down the days. Searching for ways for us to connect

I'm exhausted but above all things... I miss her an wish she were here with me. Or let me in.  After repeatedly proving to her that there Is no one no way no how

I miss her.. I need her..I feel lost without her

painful truth

It's been a difficult week... financially. Mentally. Physically. There has been so much just in my life that has been overwhelming

Then on top of that chaos. My partner ended up in hospital.. I didn't get notified. But because of knowing the routine. I guess I knew to call in finding out where she was concerns me..

Because to me it's like I should have expected this or known in a better way what might have been going on for her. An I didn't. More ways that I'm not truly the one that deserves the truth 

Furthermore. My partner called me today.   And for what felt like the first time in a long ass time.  It seemed or I assumed or took what she said.  As she wants me to leave her. An if I do she's good.

Imagine that... 

Just day before that. We were talking about Christmas. Our anniversary. Our first dates. Our month. Our shit of stuff that mattered. .an the marriage. The forever. The everything an to be caught off guard..  I hurt.. I hurt in ways I've not felt in awhile. 

I had to swallow that pain. Because I had my kid with me. .

But deep inside. My heart is feeling ripped out. Shattered. 

I shouldn't care but I do. I care about her an who we are an what our love has conquered.

I am not willing to walk away. I'm not willing to give up. I love her more than anything. 

But damn that hurt. An I dont get why she had said that. An I tried to call her. But she didn't get it an when she tried to call me.   I was watching ufc. Not a good enough excuse. 

I dont get why... why is there this part of her that likes to push me like that.... 

Literally I asked her.  Day before.  I said we're good. She said 100%. If that were true she wouldn't have been saying this bs to me.

I cant sleep. I can't settle my mind. I can't get this insanity out of my head. I just want to hurt an feel hurt an re-hurt

I'm pretty messed up...right now.. I know this because I'm not in my mindset.... I'm in a bad head space. 

memories continued

I so got in my head an got distracted...so a year ago.. my life changed in a lot of ways. For the first time in so many years.. I finally was willing to let someone into my life. 

How we met was all the fun an chaos of my life and remembering her tell me that she only had eyes for me an i was not thinking of it. As well as when she asked If I was interested in anyone. I was clear as day said no.  

Truth be told I was always interested but I didn't think it was tangible. I didn't think it would work. Not only that I barely knew her.  But the more we talked. The more we connected. An the more we wanted 

Within this month..  we went from friends who talked everyday an night. To sleeping together. To being together official. An now realizing.   We've wanted this. Not just this. 

We want a future together. We want a love that withstands everything. A love that endures. As we both have struggled to open up. Struggled to let one another in..

When we got together. When we finally let ourselves be together.  We were inseparable. We were happy we were content. We were willing to go the extra mile. To be there. To love. To connect. To build on our trust an family. 

I dont think there is a love greater than this. I don't think there is life that can be more passionate than this. Don't get me wrong...we've had some bumps. We've had some serious moments where I've doubted. But I've also chosen. I've made up my mind in so many ways to stay connected with her. An let her be connected to me. 

I want to be her everything. I want our worlds to unite. I want our future to be so tangible. So reachable that by tomorrow it can happen. 

We both have stuff. I have so much. But at the same time so does she. An reality is even those closest to me do not know me in ways that she does. Because I haven't been willing to share myself with anyone.. and I just want to share it with her. I want to be happy. I want the family. I want the dog. I want the home. I want the train tracks to cross paths an become one because we are capable. We've been thro too much to imagine it ever not surviving.

What I would give up. What I'd live for. What I'd die for. What I'd choose each an everyday. 

How many love stories have this kind of passion. I know we will have difficult days. But alls I want.  Is to be by her side as she's been building a wall around her heart. An I want to be able to break down that wall an build it up with me on the inside. Lol because I'm trustworthy. I'm strong enough to hold onto her an be what she needs in her moments of good bad ugly. 

I want to celebrate our love. I want to be able to be happy the way she makes me happy an to show her that. 

This has been the most beautiful experience of my life. That I miss laying next to her. An hearing her tell me she loves me

I miss so much in our moments. I miss so much in our lives. I don't want it to continue to be this way. I want to give her everything she needs 

Was funny the other day. I had thought that on Dec 1. Was our first day of walking her home. An it was when she got discharged from hospital. An just being someone who was an is willing to be there. 

I wanna cry because I'm missing our moments. I'm missing our passion. An everything she has going on I know I'm missing it. She's missing it an I just want to be able to snap her out of it. But I can't. My hope. My faith. My belief is that she will find her way back to me.. 

memories

It's been such a crazy time... it's been more painful then good. Which really sucks because... it's the time of the year for some odd reason that I hold value... value enough to want to change my last name to reflect this season 

Memories have surfaced about a bunch of stuff not just with my partner. But also my kid. For those that don't know.... 

I absolutely consider to be my kids actual mom. But the reality is I'm not his birth mom. I'm his mom in all definition except for birth of him.  However we're related... 4 yrs ago... I made a call that jeopardized this kids future..  I admit I made the call. But in all the scenarios...who was actually looking out for the kids best interest. The father of my kid has a bad reputation for taking care of his son an thankfully has no rights to him whatsoever. So ya he isn't a good person. An I made a call when I found out my kid was with him.  Was a danger to his safety in my opinion 

It rolled into this gigantic snowball of events thst now four years later.. we celebrate that he has been with me. An approx two years ago he was permanently transferred to my custody. I have no issue with the life I have lived. 

But...

Memories... keep my grounded in acknowledge that I don't want to be the kids guardian forever. I will if I have to. But I want his parents to come back. I know the trauma it will take if his parents decide to continue to not be a part of his life. 

I understand they have their addictions or life struggles. But they can make effort. They can take steps if they want too. An until they are ready.. I have to be the consistent person in my kids life 

I have no regrets in the life I've lived. I value my kids life an would give up my own. Move mountains. Or take on anything the world tries to throw at him. This is normal psycho parent behavior. 

My partner stuff. Well to be honest. I thought we had an anniversary early in Dec as well but I likely am wrong...

But we are coming up on some important dates for us and altho life changes have happened for my partner... I've been here... I've been here being patient an hoping she would want to come be in my life. But she hasn't. An it concerns me. Because I know it means she may be struggling a lot more than she's leading on an there isn't anything I can do to be there for her unless she chooses to let me in.  

How do we keep our love alive. How do we find faith in these difficult times. How do we believe in the love that lights up our lives but then gets dim in the dark days. 

I know that stuff....life is difficult. It's as though her life just crumbled into nothing but instead of clinging to the light of her world she's shuddered. She's hiding. It is hard to know what to do. It is hard to know where to go from here. 

I am worried. I'm concerned. An yet... I have to be ok.. I have to be strong. I have to remain strong. 

I'm not ok. I'm struggling an I'm worried an I want to accuse my friends. Of stuff that they likely don't have to worry. But I'm worried. An I'm losing my mind. An I dont know what to think. 

I hate that I let myself fall to this shit. To know those that I care for would do this to me. 

Please tell me that this isn't real. My thoughts are destructive. An they are going to tear my walls down. Tear me down. 

And I have no one I can call. No one I can turn too. An idk what the heck to do. 

bruised

The reality of the world we are living in an the reality that I don't know where I belong any longer. More an more. Am I staying here to keep you happy or has there been a time where we found happiness

Not long ago I was able to find warmth in your eyes an touch an now I feel cold. 

I feel as though I don't know what we are doing here. I haven't gotten over the continued miscommunication of it all. An I felt at this party we stupidity attended..  I felt like people wondered an I'm sure we wondered why are we together.

What purpose to provide one another

I'm in a destructive state to be honest. I dont feel as though anything good is happening in my life an if it is. I just was to self destruction. Self sabotage 

I want to hurt those that are hurting me.

I dont want to feel anything at all. 

I want to cry. I want to destruct. I want to be ok to just end my life without any desire for remorse. 

Or fears of the outcome of others. 

I dont know if I can continue to be in love with my partner when I don't know why we are together. Why or what change have I provided or been provided how have I appreciated or been appreciative to her an us. 

I dont want to keep up my own pain but truth be told. I'm hurting. I'm hurting an I just want to hurt. I want to cause more pain then what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my heart. An I'm losing everything I'm prepared to be hurt. I'm prepared to just fuck it all up 

Is it worth a conversation? Is it worth a thought or words to be spoken about what I feel ? 

Or should I continue to hide in this bs an pretend like everything is fine. 

It doesn't feel fine.. an I'm so cold. I seriously don't remember when we've been good for one another. 

I really can't imagine a future only because I don't want to go on living. I want to be gone from this world. So much heaviness on my heart. So much pain in my words. I have nothing in grateful for... an if I try say this..it will lead to serious destruction for both of our worlds 

I need you

I feel so jaded.. continously feeling this... so much has gone on. So much has overwhelming me. An the love. Support. Devotion. Idk...

What do I really need ? 

I honestly wanna say... I want bad thing. I want to come back to no return state. I want to hurt so bad that I love/hate myself. I want to test the waters with all things. 

I'm hurting.... I'm hurting from the words spoken. Not spoken yesterday. I'm hurt by the way I read them. 

I'm hurt by everything. 

That literally in one message I began to doubt everything I was so sure of moments earlier. I actually looked it up on my messages.

My partner had said she had felt my love etc. An then within hours. It was "hopefully" that I love her. Or the miscommunication. 

It all went badly so fast.

I've been able to go to work an forget about it. But... at the end of it all. When I'm able to process what I feel how I feel. I just want to cut. I want to feel pain. I want to hurt. I want to be hurting. I want to be bleeding. I want it to hurt.. I want to feel something other than what I feel. 

I'm losing my mind 

I'm going into such a dark space. That there are no feelings to release these moments. An if she even tried as she has... I dont feel the warmth. I don't feel content I feel doubtful.

An with all things... I needed the one place in My life to remain solid. An it hasn't. An that is beyond shitty.  

I want to screw it all up.  I want to give up on all things. 

Sadly I want to give up on my life. 

I don't think I really mean to say that. But there has been so much uncertainty in my life. So much loss. So much brokenness.. an now on top of it. 

I dont feel love. I don't feel anything. I just feel broken. I feel disappointed. Like did I make the wrong choice this entire year by being present. By giving my heart sn soul. 

I want to break down.. I want to give up. No one will really miss me anyhow. 

I just want to close off the world. An forget that it ever existed. Or let them forget I even existed.  I can only hope for great things to come can only hope the sun will shine. 

I've lost faith.... In all. In myself. 

. I'm sorry 

bleeding from the heart

 I dont know where to begin with what Im going through. what I've endured and faced.. I feel such much pain.. so much grief. so much sorrow. 

I can't say why really. but I can say that this is the hardest days I've had. and a test of that is growing more and more each day. 

I'm struggling with so much in my daily life. An I'm also feeling the weight of it all. I cannot tell enough how difficult the year has been an how much I've felt like a failure. 

I realize more an more that I am becoming more destroyed by the world I live in. 

I knew that I'd go down this self sabotage way an not be able to get myself out of it but I had hoped it were possible. But then my partner has played on this an because she is hurt. She is hurting me as well an then wondering why I feel so jaded. 

I'm struggling 

I dont know what more ways I need to say this. I was sure. Am sure. Want to be sure. That I love my partner but... when she brings out this side of me. An doesn't help restore the balance in our relationship then I get concerned. Because are we together so that she can feel better about herself? So she can be validated that she allegedly loves me.  I feel like falling apart. An I dont know how to stay strong. I'm hurting. An I dont know how we ended up here. 

I hate the shit that led up to this. An how instead of discussing it... we got to be silent sn in the no words..  an yet .  Idk

How can we grow in love. If we aren't showing it. Expressing it. Living with it. ... I thought we were doing really well but now I'm not so sure. An does that mean we were never doing well. Or were we doing well..an she let this sabotage happen as well

Is there a way back from it... better hope so otherwise it's going to be a difficult couple days. An you know... what it all comes down too. Is the same bs. COMMUNICATION. The one thing she knows we struggle with. An yet she was not even aware what I read or how I would read it. 

So now.... 

I'm questioning everything... are we for real. Do we even matter. Is this even worth it. I thought we were. I thought this was it for me. But having her miscommunication stuff come up has my head turned around. An I'm on the verge of breaking down. Falling apart. An just finding a way out. A way that will only cause pain. Because I'm coming from a place of pain..

Fuck. An I have to go to bed with this feeling. I have to worry about this stuff. 

I'm losing my mind.. I'm hurting. I'm struggling... an I dont want to go from here because the direction this was heading is not where I thought we were going. 

remain strong

I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to not let all the chaos effect my everyday life. But more an more I'm struggling because everything feels difficult... I feel as tho I'm carrying more than I can carry and on top of which I'm feeling less than myself. The physical self feels weak and makes me feel less than. 

My hearts so heavy. My soul feels so dark. I'm struggling to find light. Struggling to feel anything worth feeling.

I thought it was Beautiful to have my partner tell me she wanted to show me love. We haven't been together often just our jobs an life. So it's nice to have my partner want to shower me with love. I felt honored but pressured. How does one respond to that. I feel as thought I failed. Normally I'm usually about to figure it out but this time. I'm not sure what happened. I just froze I guess.

It's nice to be loved. It's actually sometimes the only reason I'll wake up. But along with that love there has to be more to it..I dont know what I mean by that I just know

We are on the verge of celebrating something amazing.. celebrating our one year anniversary next month... altho we recently celebrating becoming friends on fb..only took us a month before I asked her out. 

The more I think about our history and how we met. The more in love with her.. the more passion. The more fire I feel within myself.. and it's in these moments I wish she was here next to me. 

It's hard a lot of the time.. as I'm being patient I'm trying to be here..

But her upbringing ? Her trauma? Her life? Something has taught her never really on anyone. Never count on others. Or never look weak among anyone...idk really but a lot of the time... I feel as though she has shut me out. 

She finds herself in dark places trying to find her way back to me. 

In my mind that would mean being next to me. 

But in her mind it's the opposite. So it's not easy for me to sort through it.

However.....I can't imagine living in this world if she wasn't mine. More and more I'm grateful for her. I know if an when I've needed her she's been there. I'm trying not to need her. But it's a passion. A bond. I love her. 

Other than that...everything else is terrible... I'm struggling to keep going. Everything feels like I'm failing in all way. I'm struggling to keep my head up. Struggling to keep myself focused. 

I want to cave into my urges. I want to feel some pains..or something other than what I've been feeling. 

I need an escape. I need to hide from this reality. I also need to grow a pair lol an show or return the passionate love my partner showers on me. Idk why I don't respond fast enough maybe just used to rejection. Idk 

Sometimes I can be poetic on my own..but other times I can barely say anything important.. 

I wonder more and more each day 

Why has she chosen me?

struggling

I'm sad to say how difficult things have been for me. In every sense of the word. It's been like the world is today. It's been chaotic. It's been cold. It's been keeping distance. 

So I have had my kid for going on 4 years of my life. Believe me.   I have no regrets I love him more than life itself. An id totally give up my life for him. I'd do anything for him.  

Regardless... 

Reality is the truth in currently facing. My sons parents have been going behind my back an applied for government funding for my kid. An it had worked for them until now. 

I've recently been notified that I've lost my benefits regarding my son's childcare. 

I've lost all benefits regarding my son. 

I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. 

I was thinking about it randomly...about the world we live in.  An as much as I'd love to die. I'd love to give up my life. The reality is if we live in a world like now and I had to choose. I'd give up my life for my son to live. 

What is the definition of mother. ..

Just because you give birth to something doesn't make you a mom. 

Just because they share that bond of mother and baby doesn't mean they are forever 

I'll never have those experiences she has had. But I was there when he was born. I have never left him.  And when he came into my home 4 yrs ago I gave up my whole world for him.  

I left a job I loved. A home I didn't mind leaving behind. I let go of my pride. An I asked for help in ways I never had before.

I've been there for my kid...I've never let him down. 

I love my kid. I love him more than life. Basically all I want to say. 

I'm struggling. I'm hurting. And I want to make the world better for him. 

But repeatedly I feel as though the world is shoving me while I'm down.

Especially regarding my kid. 

On top of all these struggles... i want the good moments. I want a day where I'm not so stressed... I want to be happy. I want my partner to enjoy being with me. I want her to have fun with me. 

An now I'm in a shit mood because I feel as though all my much needed supports are going up in flames. 

An it hurts. It hurts like a shot to the heart. 

An I dont know how to recover. I don't know what to do. 

I'm so terrified. I'm so scared. I've lost too much already.

I have some serious choice words I'd like to share with this asshole...but because of her addiction she wouldn't hear me even if I told her. Because she isn't herself but I hope people tell her what she has fufked up for me an her kid. 

right next to you

 I have so much on my mind.. and I don't know what to think.. where to begin.. I am struggling becauuse I've put myself here.. and sometimes for a short time things go well but then it always end up falling apart, but my fear of losing my lover outweighs everything. 

I tried.. and according to her messages she has also tried to be there, giving me more time, or being more present in my life.. but the distance is unbelievable.. I can hardly express how difficult it is to be where we are.. realizing in one month we are expected to celebrate one year of being together.. 
should we even celebrate? should there even be some sort of acknowledgement? 

What are my expectations of this relationship> I don't even know.

but I know that all other relationships I was or they were already moved in by now, and maybe it's good we aren't but... when do we see one another. and our times together have been pretty terrible.. and so it's hard to want to see the "love of my life" when we aren't spending time together, it's harder to want to be together, and the only time I do get.. is when she comes and sleeps next to me, but that's about it.
should I demand more.. if I do.. it's always getting worse..because I hardly hear from her at all and when I do I just don't have time to respond, and if I respond it's always nothing really interesting to get into.. 

I basically have a relationship with my phone.. and randomly on some days it goes off and I hear from someone who devotes an abundance of love.. but it's not something I feel. nothing I see. not something I can grasp.
And I know I always said I wouldn't doubt it but we are where we are.. and there is nothing really to show for this alleged love.. its hard.. 

when people ask how my partner is. that's a loaded question because I don't even know. because she is so closed off to me.. she trusts me with nothing that I am basically in dark... 

she doesn't want me to be there for her. she doesn't want me to know the dark shit, or anything really. and then she lets all these other people in her life except for me, but then says that I am her only contact but that's not the truth. because who is taking those pictures of her when shes wandering the city with this perosn. 

it reminds me.. of my main man.. who also wandered the city at night,but could never find time to be with me. 

I love my partner. I love them more than I wanna admit. and maybe they love me. but if they did.. shouldn't that be reflected somewhere.. because Im struggling to feel anything anything at all adn more and more distance. more and more of not seeing them. more that I don't know what to do..

and on top of it all my idiot friend and I are not talking.. so I basically have no one.. no one to confide in. no one to turn too.. so imagine what I am doing to cope with how I'm feeling. and Im struggling because I just don't know how to live in this world if my partner stops loving me, caring about me or anything .

Im struggling... I really don't know anymore. 

know nothing at all

I'm trying... I'm trying to feel something... but I've been put in position where feeling anything at all just causes me more pain. 

I dont wanna be where I'm at. Idk what I wanna feel  I just know that... I'm struggling...

I'm struggling...because I feel numb... I feel disconnected. I feel sad. I feel alone. I feel like I don't know what to do. 

You know the worst of it all..  is my partner said.. to keep our love alive we had to communicate. We had to connect. An I tried. We tried. An I dont know how to feel connected.  I don't know how to feel the love. How to let her love me. Because I'm so confused by it all. 

I dont understand how love can exist without the presence. Without the communication. 

Sometimes it seems like we're good but more days then not were not always talking. We're not always around one another. An I'm trying.   But more I try the more distance begins to come forward. An this feeling begins to come into my life.. 

Then I have a scare... where I lost touch with her for only 6 hours but I had the worst feeling in my gut. A feeling I haven't felt before. 

And like my gut hurt. I hurt. I was scared. I was terrified. I was angry. I was confused. An I had no one to turn too. 

People are tired of hearing me..

But when it all came together...the reality was..  we both allegedly needed one another so much. Which was a feeling we hadn't felt much at all. 

Idk...

I'm grateful for the time we have...but I feel so numb to everything.   But then when I need. When I yearn. When I want. She is the only face that I see. She is the only love that I want. 

So I'm confused of what it is I actually want..because I know that I'm psychotic enough that I don't want to live without her. 

She can't live without me. 

We can't be friends. 

But.....

Where are we then? 

Once upon a time not that long ago. We were high set on getting married. On building a future etc. An now we barely talk about it. Now we barely acknowledge it. An the commitment is allegedly there an that is apparently good enough. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like we're drifting 

I explain this.  An we make plans. An we communicate by text and phone. We see one another an bs. .but... I feel like garbage. 

I dont feel like this place is home..  an I dont even make plans anymore because nothing ever happens as I hope it would 

I just need something... I need a feeling of any feeling. I feel like nothing. 

You know... next month we're allegedly celebrating an entire year..  and I don't even know how to make a plan.  What to make a plan. 

Her idea of date night is different then my verison 

I just don't know what to think. I'm losing my mind. An I feel distant from the person I am supposed to be devoted too. 

I dont know how to be present because I feel so numb. 

Idk what's going on.. everything has effected me that all my walls have gone up and I'm closed off to everything. .

I'm ready to give up on all that is important. Because I don't feel like it matters. 

missing it all

Is it OK that everything feels so blah... that I am struggling as much as I am. 

That the more I realize how alone I am. The more terrified I am about it all. 

I realized once again today that the only people in my life are people who take things from me when they need it. That my moments of crisis are not found in any way shape or form. Thst in my moments when I dial anyone for support I got none. 

The world is very shitty as is. But worse is the lonely feeling..

I feel the loss of connection with all. That even though I've voiced my needs to be close with others they been met with nada. An I'm still alone in this place. Wondering where do we go from here.. 

I want to be in relationship with my partner. I've been thinking about the last while an the distance of that how can she think this is ok... we barely have a connection. We barely have a closeness. An then i thought about all the reasons we aren't together an think do I confront her. Do I ask her.

Not long ago we were talking about forever we were talking about a love that is forever but now it's barely a chat at all. No phone calls no more visits. No more sleeping together. Alls i get is random texts..

It's funny because she said I should reach out to her for support but reality is..

It's not just that she doesn't know me it's that if I tried and I have tried calling her. With no answer. No reply an then I've gone into psychotic episodes.

Anxiety over her reasons behind not responding to me. An some are insecurity but some are legit an there hasn't been much reassurance..

Once there was... once she cared enough to talk to me. An now I barely get anything 

I have so much fucked up shit in my head... the only reality I know. Is that we are both terrified to lose one another I know this because of her hospital incident. Idk 

Other than that... I'm alone...there is no one... an that scares me.

Yes I have my kid

But I've made plans for him in event I should leave before my time

I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm scared of my thinking an I wish I had people I could talk too. Because I just don't like the feeling I have going on in my life and not having the outlet to work thro it.

I'm getting more .

This feeling of nothing. Of emptiness. More of loss of love. Of heartache of pain. Of things that are not good for me. An all these thoughts of bad things. 

No one to talk too

No surprise visits with my lover. No lover to be here with me...  

If I tell her it may turn out badly.  As it already has. But losing her which I thought I did was worse..

Wtf is wrong with me..

struggling for feelings

I have started down a way in which I'm not feeling proud. But in the past few weeks of dealing with chaos and having no moments of warmth I guess it's no shocker that I'd feel so jaded.

I'm repeatedly trying to make us work. Trying to not let the voices of those in my life to cloud my thoughts an desires but there comes a time where it's too much. I've spent weeks months even trying to be ok with my relationship. Trying not to focus on the bad but I'll say this. We've had more bad days then good I try to make plans for us. I voice what it is that I want for us. An I assume by saying it maybe it means it will come to pass but always the opposite happens 

I feel like I'm getting hurt...repeatedly.. like think of idk. I'm trying so hard to hang onto what is good. But my grip on this love that is expected to be forever is not feeling as such. The love feels like it' can wither and die. An its horrible because she was the one that said to love an appreciate one another etc. 

Sue is the one who said we need to be more connected but then she disappeared an I'm feeling worse than before

Or how about the times she was expected to be there. An bailed. Does she think that felt awesome it didn't. All her bs of her life is better when she's with me. An now she is barely with me. 

What is it really that she wants from me...

When is it about my needs... my need to be loved. My need to be adored. My need to be close. My need to feel connected. My need for us to feel like we're a family. An instead it's none of those. An when I begin to act the way she has treated me. It's a push an pull or the chase she realizes what she loves me ? Misses me? What ? Idk. 

I feel shitty.  I feel like my shattered heart is breaking piece by piece. An she doesn't notice if she noticed what could she even do?

I dont know what I want anymore but I need better than this. I want it from her. But I'm not sure she is able to give me this time an closeness because she is so wrapped up in herself an her needs.

Which I'm trying so hard to be understanding about. But she's ALWAYS been about herself. Always been about what she needs not caring how it effects me. How much it hurts me. 

An how more distance is making me start to lose focus. Lose feeling. Lose desire. 

Idk how to make that mor clear. 

I feel shattered. I feel like garbage. I feel broken I feel like when I'm not focused on my job an when I'm not focused on my kid. I'm thinking terrible things because I feel so hurt. I feel so broken. An idk how much longer I'm expected to be ok with this an I dont know what other way to be as more direct with her. Like realistically in her head. How does she think we are on good terms ? How does she think of my needs? 

I'm becoming more shut down with her because it's my self defense it's my go To. But does she know that? See that ? Feel thst ? I don't know. 

Idk how to put effort into something or someone when they aren't doing the same.

Thinking of it makes me want to die because it hurts at the idea that I know what I'm saying I don't wanna say but I feel horrible an she is supposed to be my guard. She's supposed to be my everything. An yet here I am not feeling her love. 

She is not feeling mine either. 

Because I'm shut down!!! I feel nothing. Nothing but pain 

three little word of lies

 I don't know if I am going crazy.. I feel like I likely am.. but it just seems the case when i talk about what is really going on in these depths of places that are meant to feel better. In the beginning we were one another first call, one another first thought, we spent time together even if we just sat on the couch holding hands, or going for shopping adventures, or walking home from the hospital, work, anything and everything.. 

I guess they call that the honeymoon phase, except difference was we didn't get to enjoy it for that long.. as things went a big crazy.. and it was weird.. because she ended up in hospital I believe and it was because of her happiness of having me in her life, that made overly happy which changed her levels or something or another. and therefore... we tried to find a balance

next it was IDK.. oh complete in one another's lives, routine down, of seeing, sleeping, loving one another every day of every night, and then it was gone.. for a week.. then we got back just to be gone again like a month or so later.. but that lasted a day. 

since the new year her life has become so erupted, everything for her is so unstable.. and I never know what's going on for her.. my friends tell me get involved, or voice my needs of being a part of her life. and believe me I have. but I told her straight up when I do... she always pushes away
I am forever insecure about us because of her inability to be there.. in crisis she will be there, but in times of just needed that connection.. that connection that is more than sex, more then simple things. I say I want date nights, movie night, walks in the night, anything, family nights, all this over above.. we talk about all these things were going to do. but when it comes to planning it.. or her showing up I am left in the cold. 

we had an argument the other day basically around feeling what I am always feeling.. and needing that reassurance that I need because were so rocky.. its like... i seen her once in 2 weeks, from before of asking her to come visit, or talk to me or something. she says Im the boss but reality is this.. she isn't letting me in her life. and she is keeping at arms length after telling me she is trying. 
the disappointment of what I feel about this relationship is beginning to outweigh everything.

I want confidence. I want to feel secure. I want our lives to matter to one another. I want to be cheesy corny with lunch dates, or any damn dates, where i am actually able to see her, or be with her, and not just through bs text message. haven't I suffered enough.. she says she loves me. she says she wants to stay with me. but her action as such are not the same. 
it makes me think its the lovebombing stuff, she only gives me the inches of hope and then quickly takes it away. 
example is she said she missed sleeping with me. and then half way through the time she ended up bailing on me. and not being here with me. and I realize more.. that maybe.. maybe this is all in my head. maybe she is with someone else, maybe shes out doing stuff with someone else, I dont know.

allegedly she says she will forever love me. but that love may not be enough. because I am starting to feel my heart shatter. I am starting to feel like the future of ours is crumbling, and that there is not enough glue or tape to keep that future coming to light. I am trying. I am trying. I am voicing my shit, I am voicing my needs, I am trying to get closer, and the more distant I feel. and then when I become distant then she comes.. but the push and pull of us shouldn't be happening. and I am worried because I realize she probably not even telling me the truth she's lying to me about stuff whether that be truth or not. I don't freaking know.. I don't want to find out 

but that's also my insanity talking. thats me being insane.. and maybe all is well and we are completely in love etx. I don't know what love is meant to feel like, I don't know how it's supposed to move me, I jsut know that I am completely crazy for her, and I love her more than anything, and if I lose her.. which I likely won't because I realize the benefits she gets of keeping me around.. but I am feeling like I am suffering in the loss, that those three words are only fake words. I don't really know.. I am struggling adn I don't know what to think anymore 

Lost moments

 I felt a lot better about nothing.. it seems like everything is setting me off and Im in a weird funk. I felt crazy earlier, so hyped up on everything, and so eager. and I was messaging my partner with very little responses. and when she was off work.. IDK what i thought. I thought maybe we'd actually connect have a conversation but instead that didnt happen.. so i thought about what she had said about communication and love and appreciating any relationship.. so I tried that.. and it didn't go very well either.. 

it's weird.. because IDK.. I thought we were past all this, I thought we were on the road to forever.. however it doesn't seem like the case and that terrifies me. because I don't know how to live in the world where her and I don't love one another. I mean we sat there talking about forever, no real date, no real agenda, but the concept is we want till death. 
but... 
the last few days.. the silence. the silence kills... the concerns, fears, everything comes up. maybe only for me.. maybe she's completely secure in our relationship and everyhting is all in my head.. but if we talk about the seed of love.. it has to be watered, we have to nurture it.. days in silence, days without seeing one another, or talking.. then it dies... 

and the more she is distant. the more she is "love bombing" to keep me here.. the more I am realizing that maybe I'm completely stupid. Is she really someone who wants me around.. does she even love me. why is she able to do so well other places but not with me. Why can she talk to her coworkers more than me? 
I don't get what the fuck to be thinking.. Im thinking Im not going to be in this forever.

and we are forever branding our bodies.. well she already has. but I am supposed too.. expected to in the next few days.. but Im feeling completely lost.. I don't know what to do.
people say communicate with her. tell her what you need..but I have... I have been as clear as day, I've expressed my concerns and its always short answers, less interest...unless she's love bombing. 

Im an insecure person. I have always been the person hurt in relationships.. and yet with her.. the power we have over one another is intense. and I try not to say anything to set her off. because I did that once or a few times, but it went really bad.. and I don't wanna worry about that.. 
So I have no idea, 

when is the right time to express concerns? when is the right time to say that I feel neglected. under appreciated? i feel lost without my other half, and I didn't appreciate some of her responses because she has me doubting what she actually wants in this relationship. what if she just wants me to be a booty call lol. or just a FWB? I don't fuckin know. alls I know is that I feel hurt.. because not that long ago.. was all about marriage. forever. rings. when. how. etx. 
and now its barely a word worth mentioning because theres less of us and IDK>>

I want to cry.. I want to feel.. I want to feel anything but crappy as I do. and instead I can't.. I am feeling so shut down. it is hard to feel anything.. 

especially my coping mechanisms. I need to do something.. I need distraction. I need to go away. I need to do or something something something.. cause I don't fcukin get what is happening.. how does she think its ok. how is this a relationship. explain it to me. 

I feel so stupid. so hurt. so jaded. I just want to shut down the whole world and people. its not been a fun week and its; been super painful and let me guess.... all down hill from here... right?

Why do I get like this? how does she not notice these moments? these outbursts? she doesn't even try to reassure me, she doesn't even try to make me feel better about anything she only utters whatever bs she can and that is all. adn it isnt enough for me.. I don't get why.. why I ask for more i get less.. and when I get less I still get even less.. one text a day. maybe. 
one bs ILY a day. 
how can you love someone and not include them in your life.. not connect. not try or bother to know where I am at and how i feel. 

WHat is going on... please don't tell me because Im scared of what this all means. or if its all in my head. then why is it in my head? because it always happens, and then things may be turned around but it doesn't give me more... it just IIDK>>>. idk.. Im hurt. Im sad. and I don't know what to do. what to feel if I feel anything at all

lost father

 I guess... its that time of year.. where I am in my mood.. of realizing that I've spent this many years without a father.. 
I don't know what was going for him, why he made the choices he did. but in the years I've worked in this industry, and the growth it's had in the years, I start to realize.. how powerful those that are in recovery. the strength they have to make it out of this life. 

I don't know a lot of people who have been able to make it out of the life of addiction. but those that do sometimes go back you know. 

I dont know how long it was.. before my dad left treatment or maybe even finished treatment he was doing it for himself and his family, he wanted to be clean and sober raising his children as far as what i read from his journal. He was eager to be a father. 
but he was coming from however life long life of addiction.. an may have been his go to thing when things fell apart. 

How terrible it must have been to die alone.. to have no one watching your back, and just not be able to live your life.. watch your children grow. or live a life of sobriety. to basically become another statistic. 

I don't remember him all that much... I do remember bits and pieces, I feel like that's how it is with anyone in my past.. I only remember random things, I don't see the full picture. But if you ask how I felt.. damn I felt loved. I felt special. I felt like I was his world when he was with me. 

he made me feel loved as far as I remember. 

losing him... and the years after especially the heartache of moving on wtihout him.. was difficult the people I got around, and the things I started doing. was all pretty shitty. 

but maybe its true. one simple traumatic thing or several change your life. 

for some odd reasons there are random things about me. there are smells. there are sights. maybe even sounds that I may get into and I will resort back to fear. or when I hear the rolling stones it makes me think of my dad, he used to listen to that alot 

I loved my dad.. I loved him.. I know that. and losing him changed my life. and I iwll always miss him, and i never want to forget him. on days like today I realize who Ive lost. what I've lost. 

whichi makes me see my kid. 

and sort of know the importance of him needing to be connected to his parents. to know them. see them? talk to them. maybe give them desire to want to get their lives better you know?> 
I don't know if it would damage my kid.. but I know they want to know him, and for now if he can just see them as potential friends, or whatever and grow to being mom and dad. then maybe we can grow as a family,
i don't wish to be free of my obligation to my kid. i have worked more than I EVER have to secure stability. 

recently I met some random worker.. who had heard about teh new worker managing a building, adn tehy apparently were talking very highly about the person, what they didn't know but later found out the person they were talking about was me. 
its nice that poeple aren't talking shit about me. 

anyway.. Im rambling my kid needs bed time snuggle

the light of my world

So there is a ton on my mind. An I dont know how to ground myself in these moments. 

I tried to message my friends or anyone who could distract me but have had no real help tonight. 

So I figured I'd write it up 

Today my partner showed me a posting about marriage proposals.. and it had me thinking..  whst in the world. Where in the world. How in the world would I make this happen. 

I'll happily save up money to make this real. 

I believe her. I believe her when she tells me that I am the one in her life. She loves me. An I'm trying to hold true to that as much as I can. 

But I have moments...

My moments tonight are such as what do we talk about. What do we do. How do we become more. I don't like the quietness that we share. Today was a bit of different.. we had breakfast. Sunday rest. An then went shopping 

It wasn't the best as we didn't get what I needed. But I'm glad we got out 

She had made me wear the same toque as her. I originally thought it was a good idea. 

How cute we are together. 

We got to take some pictures. We got to spend time together an it was nice. But honestly... I feel like I want more. I don't freaking know what more...

I want to feel... feel so in depth with her. Thst we can say we want in our heads. Or we can shower together without fear of rejection. 

I want the best moments with her the worst moments with her I want to be her strength. I want to be her shoulder to lean on.  I want to be her guard. Her everything. Her happiness. The first thing she thinks about when she is awake. The last thing she thinks about when she goes to sleep. 

I don't want to worry. I don't want to doubt. But I'm human. I'm scared I'm trying to feel the worth she has about me. But I feel scared just as much 

And it's like she wants me to jump right in. And I don't even know... what does that mean... how do I jump in. What does that look like you know. 

What does our future look like. What does our souls look like. 

I want forever. I want to be loved. I want happiness. I want laughter. I want tears etc

Can I just have it all..  is it OK that I want it all.

Best Part

 I figure I've spent a lot of time with these doubts/fears/ concerns about my relationship.. I realize what the other stuff..

there is a reason I am still where I am.. I remember when we met. when we actually met, and she actually let me into her life, and gave me a piece of her. 
I didn't know it then but it was as though she had been planning on this outcome. 

I am grateful for her.. I appreciate her. I honor her. and I don't want anyone else in the world. 

I love that when I call in crisis...when I call at all she usually calls back, answers, or is in the first car showing up to me. 
I love that she doesn't smother me, but helps me feel what I feel, while full along being present with me. I love that I have trusted her enough that i let her be here even when I'm "shut down" and that she is open to that and she knows or is learning how to comfort me, or help me snap out of it.

I love our happy moments.. the moments where she is singing to me while Im driving, how I randomly catch her in the corner of my eye staring at me, as I am driving her wherever. or how she sometimes just randomly listens to a song, love song likely, and serenades my hand as if it was me. lol 
shes so amazing to me... when she is present in my life

When I talk to her on the phone,and not through texts or whatveer. it is as though she hears me, as we know text messages are not toned in our actual words or voice or whatever tone.
so when we talk on the phone it is so much better, nad so muhc more beautiful

I love how she makes me feel.. that I can feel happy, content, and just daydreaming about the future you know.. the future such as getting engaged, getting married, building our lives together, having a family. 

I often forget that these may be insane thoughts.. but I want to be her everything, I want her to be my everyhting, and I want the entire package, I want the entire world, I wnat evrything. and i want  her to feel comfortable with me, she can tell me anything, she can try push me aside, and there is nowehre else id rather be then iwth her. 

I love her I love her.

I wish that she knew that more. I wish so much into the universe. I just want her in my life, and I want to be able to build our lives up. whatveer that may be

right now..its silence...and that is what is the hardest becuase alls I have is the glimmer of whatver is in my memory regarding her and I. 

and that is great but we need more good days then bad

What the actual fukc

Today was an interesting day.. I don't and wont get into detail of the chaos of the day.. but when I spoke with my therapist. my counselor whatever we call them. they had literally laid it out for me. which is weird.. it's weird when you hear that perspective come from someone who's listening. i basically said I didn't, or don't know where my mind is, or what it is thinking.. and then they laid it out.

I said I'm lost in what I want in this relationship.. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need to keep it up. and I do have to push even if it hurts when she pushes back. I have to continue to say what's real, what is needed to be said. etx. 

so I tried that.. sort of. but the push back was weird.. because my partner said I have said "ILY" as mch as they had said it. An yes it may be true. but it's because Im in a weird place. I am questioning everything, wondering why, where, when, how. there could have been. actually there are likely more stable, beautiful, talented people in the world. we are all our own imperfect shit etx. but yet here we are.. here we are. 

moments of losing life, losing breath over her. over the way she makes me feel loved. 

I don't know what to think.. I just know.. I realize that I have to be vocal. I have to be honest. I have to tell her.. like even now she is likely "sleeping" but its not fun when she spends most of her time sleeping, especially because she could have been talking to me, and we did talk a few times, etx. but it wasn't enough. because it was a mini argument about the people Im around, or the people I let into my circle. I don't think she was acting jealous or concerned she said she didn't care but it seems to have bothered her. and when I told that to a friend., they said that my partner needs to get over it because I or we work in an industry where we are surrounded by all walks of life, and I don't sit around thinking about the next notch on my belt, or whom I can love, or be loved by. I literally don't even look at what normal people, single people may think. lol 

maybe our relationship is just crazy. IM sure that is likely true. but I still stay. she still stays because we are in teh love, we want the forever, we want the heart and soul, the wedding, the kids, the family. and if I can go back to the work IM doing now, I can actually provide for us which I couldn't do before. so this would be amazing if I can, or we can do this. 

I love this person more than life itself. and I wnat her in my life, and I want to be haappy, and I wnat her to be happy... I want her to show up for me... I want to make plans, consistent plans IDK. 

maybe IM just crazy which is true but so is she. 

losing my mind

I'm pretty sure that I'm certain the world is trying to mess with us. I feel so much emotion. So much anxiety. It's unbelievable timing. 

The other night we went through in depth conversations an reconnecting. Stuff I love but it wasn't the way I wanted it.. because reality is I want that to be able to happen when we're together  we've been around one another long enough that those conversations should be in person. 

Then again idk...

What are the right thoughts to be having.  You know. 

So she went to interview yesterday and you know I didn't hear from her but when I did it was just to say she was going to sleep which hurt. Because I think if I am your everything shouldn't I have been your first call to express the fun you had. Or meeting the people I see daily. I don't know.

My brain is so fucked right now.

I feel so foggy. So much unknown stuff in my head that I can say just about anything. Especially because I feel like garbage... I feel like dying. I feel like physical pain has found me an totally wrapped itself around me. An I'm struggling to breathe struggling to cry for help.

I dont know why I get insecure about friends of mine being friends with her. Idk why it hurts to feel what I feel. An to know what I know. 

And to also have her at arms length right now. After what felt like a shitty night as it was. To more not talking. To more confusion an pain.

I hope that my feeling of foggy is all in my head an its not what I believe it could be. I want the world for us. I want to be able to trust.

But reality is.....

Let's not forget how many times I've been hurt. How many times I've likely spouted the bs about love. An how many times I've been wrong an become the pain. The punching bag. The let's lie sn see how long takes her to figure it out.  

I dont know. It's not who she is. She' made it clear that isn't who she is.

But does it mean it's who I am ? Because I've done it before.... when I found out my then partner was totally cheating on me...I totally went out and did the same. Or the many time of painful nights of having my ex hold a knife to me. Or whatever. Ugh

I don't like bringing it up but the toxic life that we had has spilled over to every aspect wn maybe they aren't that person anymore.. 

It doesn't mean I don't carry the same insecurities 

Why am I wiring about it. 

Because it's what I'm most afraid of? 

Idk. What to think say or do. I only know how to feel what I feel. Sn she knows I feel these things. It isn't her job to make me not feel this way idk

I better go. As I'm losing my mind just writing about it.

skeptical emotions

 I don't know what's happening.. everything seems to be "great" but thats because its like we reconnect adn then the time passes, and then when time passes, its like that "happiness" we both feel, terrifies each of us in different ways, and then we let it destroy us in some way? Or at least for me. 

Im trying... trying so hard to find some happiness because I want to be happy, I want to love her, I want to build our lives together. I get excited at simple talks about the future. I get happy at the idea of knowing I can make her happy with one message, or one conversation. 
I get happy to hear her talk about wanting to have children, wanting to get married, or whatever. its rare.. Then today I read about whether it's possible to stop loving someone. 

truth according to the internet is no.

and I believe that to be true. because there are a few people in my life time that i have loved.. that I have loved whole heartedly. that I think about in ways I never thought love could exist. 
anyway I believe it to be true.. that when we love someone, we give them a piece of us, and if they love us back, they give us a piece of them, or the best when you love someone and they don't love you back. lol there's so much love. 
but if certain people that I "loved" ever came back into my life for help, support, or whatever. I would admit that I would have to check myself, because yes I am happy. but I also will always want to love and support those that were in my life, each person who's come into my life has impacted me in different ways, good, bad etx. 

The person I love right now.. the person who loves me right now. makes my world so bright and beautiful, but with that beauty comes worry, concern. IDK. she recently said that being wtih me has brought out some insecurities that she hsa never allegedly never had before. and so it makes me think.. all my insecurities are on overdrive, all my inner dialogue of pain is overloaded, and sometimes I tell her but most of the time I sit here swallowing the pain, and hurting... IDK

I am in love with her. I want the future with her. but I also feel..what i feel.and Im scared of it. Im trying to be certain. im trying to be trusting..
And today.. I gave up...the ONE most important thing I had in my life.. and I let her take it. and it was hard, and scary but it was material item, that I carried wtih me for a long time, and so giving it up. not easy but it's my token, my devotion of utmost love toward her. and I hope it puts her mind at ease abot the situation.. and i hope we move forwad from ehre 

we have so mch life worth living 

rollercoaster

 Are we meant to feel this insane when we are where we are? I don't know.. I honestly am completely baffled by the power I have but at the same time how weak I feel. 
There's so much I'd rather be talking about or saying, I'd like to be able to share this stuff with my close friends but I can't.. because it's such a rollercoaster.. its one of those why didn't you do this or that. Or why didn't you just talk about it. 

I don't know what truth I have anymore.. I honestly am in a position where I just want the world.. I want to give her the world does that make sense.. with everything we've endured and been tested on..  I dont  want harm, pain, or sadness to be a part of anything.. I just want to give her the world and to let her be happy whatever that means. 
i know the truth for me is that I am still completely in love with her, and in one more motion of that love.. I give up the bs thing that people think matters to me so much. its only been like 4 or 5 yrs with this chain, but it's mattered enough to me as if it was the first one.. so for me to give it up.. for me to let her walk out the door with it.. I'm scared but I'm also secure. because this is my ultimate moment of complete love and devotion to her. if that makes any sense. 

I want to spend my life with her. not that I know how long that will be, or if it will even be possible. But that's what my heart desires. 
But in spending this life.. I also want more than just that.. I want happiness, I want to go out, I want to kiss her while standing in the rain, I want to walk hand and hand at simple things in life like going for walks, or going for dinners, or traveling anything other than how we've spent our time so far. 

today was a day I wanted to get out and instead that didn't happen and I felt disappointment because it was like when my BFF isn't there there's no one there. and that sucks because Im stuck alone. IDK.

and when Im alone thoughts get in my head.. just like any normal person, as much as you try sit in a room hearing nothing, and have nothign to hear, you always hear something.
When I'm alone for too long... these things come up.. the what/where/when/how the what if, the should have. the doubts, try to cripple me. 

I told her way long ago that I have faith in her love for me. but you know I know now that I am not completely telling the truth because I do get terrified.. I get worried. I don't know, I can't measure the love she has for me. I can't hold it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can only have faith that it is there, and moments like tonight, or today. in giving me 6 hours of time.. of majority of that sleeping, or not talking, or whatver. it has me doubting what this love really is.
and then we have moments like the other night. where that devotion of love is so strong that it causes both of us to reevaluate our choices, and yes we are together, but we both had a break down, and instead of reconnecting on our love tongiht, that hasn't happened... so I worry more than I did.. and I don't know what the hell that means for me

How do we get back.. or how do we get past this and move forward... is it possible.. is it reachable because I don't want to lose it, I don't want her or I to die, I want till death, I want the ring, I want the forever, I don't want some BS fairy tale, but I do want something.. Not that i know what that "something" looks like because I've never known love, never known love like this. so I dont know. 

Im feeling shitty.. Im feeling like I need to reach out but I dont know who to call... because they all not the people IDK.. or maybe their advice is about saying to walk away, when I don't want that. as I've repeatedly said I want this. I want this love.. IDK. 

Fuck Im losing my mind just sititng here thinking. IDK what to do... I have no distractions.. adn a lot of pain right now. 

ruined it

 Due to poor communication.. miss communication.. absolutely everything has been disrupted. and I feel like complete garbage. I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I don't know what to think right now.  My world feels upside down.. and I feel compeltely lost.. completely disorientated and shattered 

I went through some moments that I can hardly get through.. and then it just was and has been like a roller coaster. 

I dont know if I messed up this stuff or if they messed up this stuff. it hurts... it freakin hurts.. we went into all this BS and all this stuff, and all this insanity that I am feeling so lost and hurt

I don't know if she's ok. actually I know she is NOT ok and I can't go out and find her, I can't chase her. I asked her to show up for me. I want her to come here and be with me. not to bail on me. 

I feel like just days ago we were HIGHER than high could ever be, living on cloud nine, and then within days it fell apart or feels like it did and we're both hurt, both suffering, and she wont talk to me, instead she will shut me out adn make me worry. 

I need to get through this, but I hate that we are here... we literally don't need this . 

I don't know... I dont know what to do... I don't know what to think. I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind with insane thinking,and I don't know.. I need to see her, I need her to show up. I need her to come here, or at least call me, or ask me to show up for her. 

we can work thro this. we both want to. we both want the world. we want the forever and yet... instead of talking to me, she shut me out. and said she has to deal with her thoughts, but she won't talk to me. and instead make poor choices? o r think abou tmaking poor choices that will only hurt her. 

what do I need to do.... she said I go above n beyond, so why... why make me feel like this? i dont know what to do.. I don't know how to prove to her. I don't know what to think. 
I don't get what her fears are and why she can't tell me.. 

What do I do.. Do i take the leap and run over there, knowing she is likely not there. or do I wait. and hope and put it in the universe for her lazy butt to show up...
Im too old to be chasing.. lol 

I just want her to try 

I want to try and make her feel better but idk what to do.. I dont want this to be it. I dont want this to be the end. I want her to say SOMETHING anythign! ugh... Im so worried and scared... I need I need to be ok

you have ruined me

 You ever hear that phase "you have ruined me" for all other women, does that make sense? 

Till Death

 So all this talk about wedding, marriage, engagement, etx. so much insanity! what kind of person am I? I don't know.. it's all I am thinking about, its like my mind is focused on this idea but it shouldn't be. because that's insane thinking. 

So we have this tattoo planned for next month basically just some fun tattoos, as we have one already this one is perfectly matched.. but we're also deciding on rings. because for some insane idea we decided to do something like talk about getting married etx. 
I know that's insane. I don't know why we are in this head space.. For me I feel like it's a way to public state my intention to be faithful, and in love with her, for all of my days. 

it got me thinking because truth be told.. we don't always have the best of days, and last night was test of that.. I literally BROKE down crying most of the night, and almost today.. I literally don't know what came over me, my explanation was that I had been triggered or something. I don't freakin know. alls I know is it was like my "self sabotage" bs about being so happy, content, and then it all came crashing down. 

I have been lost in this idea, these ideas.. that the world may be better off if I didn't exist... I get terrified of what people think of me, the real truth of me. and who I am now. and like the job Im taking on, and responsibility of that. IDK> 

Its scary adn I can't imagine the future. 

you know.. what keeps running through my mind as my counselor saying where do you see yourself in 10 yrs. and I couldn't answer that.. because I don't know. does anyone really know? maybe? 
all's I thought how old will my kid be, where will I be.. can I even survive that long? 

I literally told my partner last night about incident that happened couple weeks ago where I went to dark place, and completely utterly got lost.. and I almost didn't wanna come out of that you know.. IDK> 
an her reaction wasn't good. because basically said dont die on me, as she is fighting with every ounce of herself to live for me. 
I don't mean to be me.. but I don't know where or who we'd be if we never met one another. I feel like she'd be better off maybe? 
someone also mentioned maybe it would be better just to be friends or some BS. and I was like no. there's no way I want to be just friends with her, I want the entire world for her, and I can't imagine losing her.

but the intensity of that.. it hurts. 

Its not that I have doubts about our relationship.. its that I have doubts in myself. beacuse I feel in a dark place, and I can't reach her from here, and here we were today talking about our tattoos and stuff and we both got lit up at the idea of that.
but I don't know

I feel sad.. I feel like garbage. and I just want to walk away. I believe she deserves better. there are better things in the world, brighter things in the world, there are better ways of love that she may want that is not me.. I know that I am terrfied at the idea of having to meet her family, and getting there "approval" to be allowed to love their sister, daughter, forever. 
I've done a lot  in teh last year to prove my love, loyalty etx. but the thing is.. IDK... Ive also hurt her, I've also had some bad moments, moments of loss, loss of my own soul. and IDK. 

right now... I just want to shut down.. Some friends recommended some stuff. but IDK. I don't know anymore. 

Heartbreak past

 Im struggling common time I guess.. I have alot on my mind..and because I've been crying Im now feeling jaded and hurt and lost. IDK what to think anymore.. I don't even know where to begin.. I was super happy today. Honestly...
I read a stupid thing that talks about sleeping next to person you love, and how it improves your life. I must say the warmth of seeing my partner. it was beautiful, felt like home. 
we spent some of the day talking about the future. where we going to go, what we going to do, what our future looks like..my old notion of old traditions that no longer exist I guess. lol

It was good, it was fun, we laughed, we joked, we had a good morning.. adn then just like that it all came crashing down.. 
as I have been on the fence about job opportnity.. I was offered a job and then it was almost or is likely going to be taken away.. and it hurts..
the past of 3 yrs ago of a life I lived and stuff that I said and did.. the effects I had around people etx. I dont know what Im supposed to realize from that time, but I know Im defensive.. Im against the ideas the job has about me. this idea that I am not worthy of the job or whatever, even tho I spent a majority of my life in that job, adn not having people vouch for me sucks.. it makes me feel like garbage. 

Im hurt.. Im hurt beyond all things. and I don't know what to think anymore.. I went straight to what was familiar to me.. I went to my old habits because Im hurt. 
and now I have to explain this BS to people who weren't there etx. 
I have to hold my restraint about knowing full well that I can do this job, but knowing the shadow of that past is holding me back from moving forward
and it's like I wnat to do it..because I want to prove these assholes wrong..but... If I do.. then Im going all in. IDK. 

I just hurt... 

I don't like feeling like this. I don't like knowing that this job I've dedicated almost ten years of my life.. and to know I have the least amount of respect. nothing worthy of anything. I am hurt.. 
You know five years ago. I had the respect. the ability to do the job. teh ability to say this that or other thing, and I mattered. and i was happy.. but I gave it all up.. I gave up that job and moved into caring for my kid. 

I have no regrets in caring for him. I have no regrets in how our lives have turned out. but to know that I have lost this respect based on some bs rumors of people who don't matter. that is garbage and painful. I dont know how to be calm in situations where I see I am being jabbed at for being someone I am not. when my record of employment should speak for me in the fact that I rose from the bottom, that I get asked to help out, to support, to teach, etx. 

UGH!

Other than that.. I got to talk to my partner. we were able to talk about our lives, our future.. but... I don't know.. Im in the air. because I don't know nothing except pain I am currently feeling. 
I want to be happy. I want to be with them, but I am hurt right now. and I am shutting down because I realize there is nothing.. may not be anything good about me.. How hard it is to live everydya

I just I can't figure out how to get thro this. what is the right decision. why did I open this door thinking I was capable of this when I am not. 

Im so sad. I am feeling so broken. and I don't know what i need to feel better. 

im jaded 

the insanity of what future

 I am in a weird head space because Im thinking about the future.. does anyone ever look at the prices of engagement rings? or think of the future? what does it look like? as much as we say we want it. do we really know what it's like committing to one person forever> 
I have only thought about it 2x in my entire life.. but I didn't think all the stuff people think.. especially the price of engagement rings, the prices of wedding bands, and the certificate, and what follows in uniting two lives to one, or two lives to two paths leading the same direction. IDK.

Today my partner had mentioned it... the fact is I had mentioned it. because we both are thinking it. we both talk about "forever" we want this to be the forever, we want this to be our love. and yet we don't know when, how, or what for. like who do I get approval from.
and how come there is no one to watch out for me lol 
or our future where do we live, when do we start living, when do get it all together. you know. I don't know. I know that I love this person beyond all things, but we have rarely had enough time to combine our lives, or to talk. and when were together I don't always have the words but now that she has gone, my mind is racing.. why does this happen... 

or even notes I've made about shit to talk about and then we never talk about it, becase I forget I've written it done/. or what does she knwo? what have I told her> cause I have talked to so many poeple I don't know who knows what. . I want her to know all but I don't wnat to repeat everything over and over.. 

as well as I don't know.. 

so the thing for yesterday was interesting.. Friday night I went into whatever psycho cleaning I do. like deep spotless clean every corner of the areas, and I didn't message my partner, or text or call or anything.. and then I fell asleep because of all the work it cost to clean, it's not easy task.. and she had messaged me in middle of the night but I was asleep. I woke up to her calling me a few times,and messaging me, and then when I finally responded she had said she had the worst feeling about me. she thought somehting terrible had happened to me.. it didn't cross her mind that I was asleep. lol 

she blamed it on meds or her moment of insanity>

and my thoughts were Im grateful she cared enough to worry about me at all. because I didn't know or feel that she cared muhc, so honestly having that reaction just in essence of knowing i matter to her, that if she had a feeling or thought there could have been a chance of something terrible but that I'd be missed if I was gone. 
and thats what I like... because it makes me feel like I matter, that I am connected to someone

anyway.. 

I don't really get alot of chance to plan things because Im financially not able to. and I honestly don't know what to think about what she wants to do when she's around me.. 

so we just hung out.. I introduced her to some old school scary movies, and we watched some boring shows, chilled out.. and I realized none of my questions were asked. and I was like what am I doing you know. how did I do this>
isn't it weird..

what is it that makes me no remember the important things we needed to talk about.. 

I want our great future.. I want the entire world to know I love her, but I also want a future that is secure for the both of us.. I want our happiness and life fulfillment etx.. but I don't know where to begin, what to think, what to do.. her hinting about marriage... I am all lost in thought.. what does that look like.. how soon is too soon, or when is too soon, and when is too late. you know? does that make sense cause reality is that we say too soon for lots of things we've already done. you know... so when in reality should we think or do.. and who does what. and what does what. maybe I can wait for my claim with thing before i decide my next steps that will put money in my pocket. 

I know I want lots of things to talk about but I don't know how to bring it up with her. because we are usually distracted by other things, last night was what felt like the first time we weren't distracted by things would have been good to catch up but for IDK what reason it didn't happen... 
anyway...

Im rambling as always.. I have so many questions and I don't know how to get the answers, and Im also just IDK... losing my mind just a little bit... 

moments of insanity

I don't know I asked people if it's possible to drive yourself crazy without being medically crazy. The answer is Yes 

For a bit now.. I guess I've been overwhelmed or stressed about different things happening in my life and I'm realizing now that it may be effecting me. 

I'm in a relationship.. one that I'm mostly happy in but also feeling whatever. It hasn't been the easiest of times because there's so much going on and so much I have to learn. Or unlearn about things I've done or said before

It's hard sometimes...it's painful sometimes. But when it's good it's amazing. She doesn't bring me down or what not. But the stuff in her own life is a lot an I get scared a lot that my stuff may be too much.

It's funny because it seems to be her mindset as well. We recently talked about opening up communications but then stuff happened. 

It's not sabotage what we have going on it's just what's going on for her is a lot. An at the same time I don't know what that even means 

I daydream I have hope. I have a belief that is is a love like no other. An that our love will conquer all. An we will stay alive to live in this happiness an love.

Maybe it's an insane notion. But realistically...you don't just walk away when someone needs the love an support. 

Her ways of getting that are different from my own. 

The stress of it I guess may be a lot sometimes. But I also have a job an a kid an a brother lol. 

Financial strain in my life .. responsibilities to keep my kid fed an dressed. As easy of a task as that may seem. It doesn't come cheap. .

There's so much on my mind...

There is darkness lingering in my mind.  I feel it .. nudging to be free

I dont know how to explain that...but I need some more better days.  Because if this darkness wins I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm fighting with everything I go to find support. Find help. 

Life is difficult for everyone...but when things get this tough what does one do. How does one cope with these things I'm not sure.. 

My way is not good. An its causing me more pain than relieving the pain I'm already feeling. 

Idk what to do. An the other day I was off the deep end. And it's like coming down from that but realizing I still have all the same problems as then. Nothing really has changed.

My mindset needs to change. But I'm also realizing I'm not really anyone... I'm only someone to my kid. Maybe my one friend and partner. 

You know... some people are raised to just live in the world following in their parents foot steps. Some people are raised to surpass their parents short coming. Some people are raised to create their new path that is better 

Break down walls an bridges.

And I feel like I may be one of these.. but I'm also feeling the weight of failure... I no longer have a family. One thing I was raised to value above all things.

Not friendships...all my life friends have come an gone.   But my family was always there. An now. I don't have that. I create my own family but my person isn't around to fulfill that need. So what do I do.

Physically wounded. Emotionally brutalized beating. I need some clarity. Before my darkness. My beast or burden surfaces. I couldn't even begin to tell you what will happen if that comes to life. 

the future

 As it's still on my mind about the future... thinking about where I'd see myself in the ten years, or even five years. for so long I've lived day to day, sometimes thoughts of not thoughts your allowed to discuss, but I had those thoughts because in some way.. I honestly have this messed up brain that people might be better off without me, even my own kid.. but that's my down days.. 

when I have moments like now.. where I'm thinking of the past. thinking of the present. and hopeful of the future.. i absoluetly want the future now, but so much has to come together, and although there are people who believe I dont have doubts.. I do.. I'm human.. and being put in a position that has been extremely difficult for me. 

I struggle with so much of my own insecurtities, that I finally reached out for the need of reassurance that I likely needed.. and I honestly feel like some what got it, but also not really.. and therefore... where am i.. 

I just want the things in my life to go well. I want to be able to do everyhting my heart desires, and be able to give my partner all the desires of her heart, and healing strength that no oother 
I wish I could take on her stuff.. but I can't.. but being put on the outside.. of this whole situation makes things makes me feel scared.. 
there are so many others that are likely better.. more experience, more knowledge, etc.. than me.. but there is no love like mine, at least I hope not. becase I want this to last.. I want the future for us to be amazing. 

I want more good days, than off days, I want to be able to drive in the car and just give her a moment of happiness, be able to sit under the stars in the outdoors, or catch another movie, or go for dinner, or do whatveer I can just to lift her spirits..but... a lot of the time.. its like when she comes... she just wants down time, because her body is so exhasuted, when I make a plan it usaully works out.. but I have to plan this crap... it's not that easy.

My body is pretty messed up as is.. Just cleaning my house I can feel it in my body the pain of just simple things like sweeping and mopping the floor.. 
it's not fun.. 

I don't know.. my friend and I chatted today.. and I told her... that this is the hardest times.. is being present and not present, being positive, even though I feel defeated.. not by my partner but by the illness or whatever it is. ,because she's not giving up on me, but she also isn't letting me be there completely and in that way I believe that the illness wins, because if I was there, we could work on the conquer of that together, but when she keeps me separate then she loses hope, or faith, or happiness, and then things begin to go downhill. I wish she could see that, but I don't know how to make it ok.. I dont know how to support her, and be there for her.. I really wish I could... 
I don't need to do anything except to be present.. and let her love lavish me, and her swim in my love. because I have oceans of love for her, and just want to lavish it, and smiles, and happiness.. 

I miss her so much.. I'm trying to not worry.. because she said it's nothing to do with her and I.. its the illness, and I just don't know how to support that... I don't know how to talk to her about that when she won't talk to me.. and I don't know how to bring it up? how to push forward in all that.. 
i just want better days.. I want her to be ok.. and i want to be on the journey with her. 

Crazy day

 I guess I am a little wacked. as I realize maybe I am wrong and totally over thinking this entire situation... as it seems my partner has shown up for family fun random shop time.. and although it's sort of fun it's beyond difficult. 
I can't express the amount of pain I feel I am in... my body aches everywhere, realizing more and more.. I don't know how to freakin be ok. I don't know how to find relief in simple things like sitting or standing.. and my back hurts that all's I have to look forward to is putting the IMS in my back. 

Regardless I have a massive headache that I can't get rid of adn I don't know what that is about other than to think that maybe I need sleep. I need food adn I need  a moment alone where Im not bombarded by all this shit.. and right now it's just beyond difficult to focus, or be in a good mood. and my body, my head hurt. so my partner being here... as great as Im expected to feel. I feel too shitty.. 

you know how people say "you are the light of my world" or some BS like this... I mean her and I likely have said it.. but for some odd reason I feel so jaded that I don't feel light, love, or anything. I feel shut down, and hurt, and disappointed.. but I also realize I likely just hate how things turn out more often than not you know. Im trying to keep my head together. but Im feelin like I don't knwo.

and I guess this feeling may reflect that monthly curse. but maybe it has to do with my coping mechanism and how much I'd rather cave into this shit than keep up this pain that i am physically enduring. 

I may just feel like garbage and I may jst be suffering. I don't know how to be grateful today. 
I don't know how to get myself out of my head.. and I don't know 

today I was asked "where do you see yourself in 10yrs" and how many people can answer that? i definetly cannot answer that.. because I don't know the damn future. 
but its food for thought, and  a question I'd like to ask my partner when Im not so annoyed by EVERY little thing.. 
I don't know why things are so difficult but my brain hurts so much today and Im so hurt in every way today that i just want it to be over, and thankfully it is almost over. and I cannot wait but I need that release.. I need that moment where I can just let it go you know? 
is that normal I certainly hope so 

fool for moment

 I have to write what is bothering me because maybe it's just the hour of time. or maybe its a reality of what we are. 
I have been in a relationship so I thought for a good while.. and I thought we were going to the next steps.. we talk about next steps alot, and in some ways we have best moments, or whatever but sometimes its colder than an ice storm...
Recently I talked to my partner... I had the mislead idea that we would hang out, we originally had a plan to do something but clearly that is not the case, and instead of having two nights and 3 days with me. I am now being given one night. and it hurts... 

By now in all my relationships we would have been somewhere else completely and maybe even with her, because we've surpassed her passed relationship. 
I DONT KNOW

but today when we talked...an when weekened is mentioned... she said something different, and the way seh said it was like sneaking this idea in there that i am no longer the center of her weekends, and therefore where do I fit in? if she isn't working but allegedly "has all these groups/appts" to go to but no time to see me for lunch, dinner
I guess Im realizing more that maybe we arent really much of anything. 

IN what ways are we in a relationship? as we aren't in the typical one, and at the same I have made it clear as day that I am supposed to be "fine" with the need to not be the centre of her world. but Im feelng like by no means... am I anything...
my friend recently..or my cousenlor. someone recently said..when has she done waht I had asked.. like say I say I wanna see you today. an she shows up.

I realize I don't usually say that... I literally have let the shots be called by her, and therefore I feel forever at a distance. 
it hurts a bit. and I don't know what to think...

I know what to think...people tell me what to think. but IDK!!!!

IF I don't tell her this.. it will build up. 

and in a relationship.... of 9 months..how many fights has that couple had? 
her and I barely fight, because we barely ttalk, and only see one another IDK not as often as I like, and when I ask for more I usaully get the opposite.. and sometimes IDk.

Im trying to stay strong. Im trying to remember why.. but it hurts. Im hurt. and its a thing that is preventable if she would jst talk to me. 

we are both at the "forever love" as if her and I are gonna be married, having kids, etx... but... how do we get to that, if we aren't even able to live togther or be around one another, or share some honesty. what would have made more sense. is her not lying and saying Im going to see my friend saturday instead of you and I'll see u snday. but instead it was 2 different things and it hurt. because if its real. why not invite us to the event? especially knowing the type of event that it is? and knowng my family likely is involved in some way. 

but to say that.. it hurts. Im sad. and IDK....what the fuck to think except Im hurt.