I don't know if I am going crazy.. I feel like I likely am.. but it just seems the case when i talk about what is really going on in these depths of places that are meant to feel better. In the beginning we were one another first call, one another first thought, we spent time together even if we just sat on the couch holding hands, or going for shopping adventures, or walking home from the hospital, work, anything and everything..
I guess they call that the honeymoon phase, except difference was we didn't get to enjoy it for that long.. as things went a big crazy.. and it was weird.. because she ended up in hospital I believe and it was because of her happiness of having me in her life, that made overly happy which changed her levels or something or another. and therefore... we tried to find a balance
next it was IDK.. oh complete in one another's lives, routine down, of seeing, sleeping, loving one another every day of every night, and then it was gone.. for a week.. then we got back just to be gone again like a month or so later.. but that lasted a day.
since the new year her life has become so erupted, everything for her is so unstable.. and I never know what's going on for her.. my friends tell me get involved, or voice my needs of being a part of her life. and believe me I have. but I told her straight up when I do... she always pushes away
I am forever insecure about us because of her inability to be there.. in crisis she will be there, but in times of just needed that connection.. that connection that is more than sex, more then simple things. I say I want date nights, movie night, walks in the night, anything, family nights, all this over above.. we talk about all these things were going to do. but when it comes to planning it.. or her showing up I am left in the cold.
we had an argument the other day basically around feeling what I am always feeling.. and needing that reassurance that I need because were so rocky.. its like... i seen her once in 2 weeks, from before of asking her to come visit, or talk to me or something. she says Im the boss but reality is this.. she isn't letting me in her life. and she is keeping at arms length after telling me she is trying.
the disappointment of what I feel about this relationship is beginning to outweigh everything.
I want confidence. I want to feel secure. I want our lives to matter to one another. I want to be cheesy corny with lunch dates, or any damn dates, where i am actually able to see her, or be with her, and not just through bs text message. haven't I suffered enough.. she says she loves me. she says she wants to stay with me. but her action as such are not the same.
it makes me think its the lovebombing stuff, she only gives me the inches of hope and then quickly takes it away.
example is she said she missed sleeping with me. and then half way through the time she ended up bailing on me. and not being here with me. and I realize more.. that maybe.. maybe this is all in my head. maybe she is with someone else, maybe shes out doing stuff with someone else, I dont know.
allegedly she says she will forever love me. but that love may not be enough. because I am starting to feel my heart shatter. I am starting to feel like the future of ours is crumbling, and that there is not enough glue or tape to keep that future coming to light. I am trying. I am trying. I am voicing my shit, I am voicing my needs, I am trying to get closer, and the more distant I feel. and then when I become distant then she comes.. but the push and pull of us shouldn't be happening. and I am worried because I realize she probably not even telling me the truth she's lying to me about stuff whether that be truth or not. I don't freaking know.. I don't want to find out
but that's also my insanity talking. thats me being insane.. and maybe all is well and we are completely in love etx. I don't know what love is meant to feel like, I don't know how it's supposed to move me, I jsut know that I am completely crazy for her, and I love her more than anything, and if I lose her.. which I likely won't because I realize the benefits she gets of keeping me around.. but I am feeling like I am suffering in the loss, that those three words are only fake words. I don't really know.. I am struggling adn I don't know what to think anymore
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