one year

I guess we had faith this time would come. We had hopes an dreams. There's so much wrapped around this month. An for me. I hold so much value in honoring our time together but also recognize that we are in a different place. A year ago.   It was that she couldn't wait to be in my presence just to be present with me. Just to snuggle or be together. An now.  I've seen her but not seen her. 

An what I mean by that.  Is that. . There currently is so much struggle for her. And I know she knows the weight of it.  But she is carrying so much all on its own but it feels like... our relationship is no longer the centre. And in the year..the health for her has been unbelievable. 

More an more I spend my time not understanding what is going on and how I can support her. An today I had realized.   I actually wasn't as present with her as I had hoped to be. 

I barely tried to talk to her. An it wasn't out of not wanting to it just that it was a busy day at work. On top of that I had my own stuff come up...that I had to work thro I had to figure out. Idk 

But seeing us going into this anniversary... I want it to be great but I'm not sure it will an also. I had memories of the extent or length I've gone to in the past.  An it never matters. 

What I'd rather more than anything is just to be in her life.. or to have her want or need or anything to let me in. 

Memories are good an bad. Because yes we made it things long but reality also is the one year ago.   We tried to connect more. We spent more time talking. Spending time together while at work. An different things like that. .

I miss everything. I miss the fun. I miss the connectedness... an I worry with the time apart an distance she may go back to the same ideas as before in thinning maybe we aren't forever. 

I'm literally counting down the days. Searching for ways for us to connect

I'm exhausted but above all things... I miss her an wish she were here with me. Or let me in.  After repeatedly proving to her that there Is no one no way no how

I miss her.. I need her..I feel lost without her