memories

It's been such a crazy time... it's been more painful then good. Which really sucks because... it's the time of the year for some odd reason that I hold value... value enough to want to change my last name to reflect this season 

Memories have surfaced about a bunch of stuff not just with my partner. But also my kid. For those that don't know.... 

I absolutely consider to be my kids actual mom. But the reality is I'm not his birth mom. I'm his mom in all definition except for birth of him.  However we're related... 4 yrs ago... I made a call that jeopardized this kids future..  I admit I made the call. But in all the scenarios...who was actually looking out for the kids best interest. The father of my kid has a bad reputation for taking care of his son an thankfully has no rights to him whatsoever. So ya he isn't a good person. An I made a call when I found out my kid was with him.  Was a danger to his safety in my opinion 

It rolled into this gigantic snowball of events thst now four years later.. we celebrate that he has been with me. An approx two years ago he was permanently transferred to my custody. I have no issue with the life I have lived. 

But...

Memories... keep my grounded in acknowledge that I don't want to be the kids guardian forever. I will if I have to. But I want his parents to come back. I know the trauma it will take if his parents decide to continue to not be a part of his life. 

I understand they have their addictions or life struggles. But they can make effort. They can take steps if they want too. An until they are ready.. I have to be the consistent person in my kids life 

I have no regrets in the life I've lived. I value my kids life an would give up my own. Move mountains. Or take on anything the world tries to throw at him. This is normal psycho parent behavior. 

My partner stuff. Well to be honest. I thought we had an anniversary early in Dec as well but I likely am wrong...

But we are coming up on some important dates for us and altho life changes have happened for my partner... I've been here... I've been here being patient an hoping she would want to come be in my life. But she hasn't. An it concerns me. Because I know it means she may be struggling a lot more than she's leading on an there isn't anything I can do to be there for her unless she chooses to let me in.  

How do we keep our love alive. How do we find faith in these difficult times. How do we believe in the love that lights up our lives but then gets dim in the dark days. 

I know that stuff....life is difficult. It's as though her life just crumbled into nothing but instead of clinging to the light of her world she's shuddered. She's hiding. It is hard to know what to do. It is hard to know where to go from here. 

I am worried. I'm concerned. An yet... I have to be ok.. I have to be strong. I have to remain strong. 

I'm not ok. I'm struggling an I'm worried an I want to accuse my friends. Of stuff that they likely don't have to worry. But I'm worried. An I'm losing my mind. An I dont know what to think. 

I hate that I let myself fall to this shit. To know those that I care for would do this to me. 

Please tell me that this isn't real. My thoughts are destructive. An they are going to tear my walls down. Tear me down. 

And I have no one I can call. No one I can turn too. An idk what the heck to do.