So all this talk about wedding, marriage, engagement, etx. so much insanity! what kind of person am I? I don't know.. it's all I am thinking about, its like my mind is focused on this idea but it shouldn't be. because that's insane thinking.
So we have this tattoo planned for next month basically just some fun tattoos, as we have one already this one is perfectly matched.. but we're also deciding on rings. because for some insane idea we decided to do something like talk about getting married etx.
I know that's insane. I don't know why we are in this head space.. For me I feel like it's a way to public state my intention to be faithful, and in love with her, for all of my days.
it got me thinking because truth be told.. we don't always have the best of days, and last night was test of that.. I literally BROKE down crying most of the night, and almost today.. I literally don't know what came over me, my explanation was that I had been triggered or something. I don't freakin know. alls I know is it was like my "self sabotage" bs about being so happy, content, and then it all came crashing down.
I have been lost in this idea, these ideas.. that the world may be better off if I didn't exist... I get terrified of what people think of me, the real truth of me. and who I am now. and like the job Im taking on, and responsibility of that. IDK>
Its scary adn I can't imagine the future.
you know.. what keeps running through my mind as my counselor saying where do you see yourself in 10 yrs. and I couldn't answer that.. because I don't know. does anyone really know? maybe?
all's I thought how old will my kid be, where will I be.. can I even survive that long?
I literally told my partner last night about incident that happened couple weeks ago where I went to dark place, and completely utterly got lost.. and I almost didn't wanna come out of that you know.. IDK>
an her reaction wasn't good. because basically said dont die on me, as she is fighting with every ounce of herself to live for me.
I don't mean to be me.. but I don't know where or who we'd be if we never met one another. I feel like she'd be better off maybe?
someone also mentioned maybe it would be better just to be friends or some BS. and I was like no. there's no way I want to be just friends with her, I want the entire world for her, and I can't imagine losing her.
but the intensity of that.. it hurts.
Its not that I have doubts about our relationship.. its that I have doubts in myself. beacuse I feel in a dark place, and I can't reach her from here, and here we were today talking about our tattoos and stuff and we both got lit up at the idea of that.
but I don't know
I feel sad.. I feel like garbage. and I just want to walk away. I believe she deserves better. there are better things in the world, brighter things in the world, there are better ways of love that she may want that is not me.. I know that I am terrfied at the idea of having to meet her family, and getting there "approval" to be allowed to love their sister, daughter, forever.
I've done a lot in teh last year to prove my love, loyalty etx. but the thing is.. IDK... Ive also hurt her, I've also had some bad moments, moments of loss, loss of my own soul. and IDK.
right now... I just want to shut down.. Some friends recommended some stuff. but IDK. I don't know anymore.
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