I'm losing my feeling for anything. My need an desire for connection seems to be lost. An I'm realizing I don't know anything anymore.
Once again I had everything figured out or planned an now... I dont know anything that is real or normal idk how to bring us out of this darkness.
I dont know if it's worth moving forward. I don't know if it's normal to feel this way. I spent so much time.. I loved my life so much that now I'm realizing. What am I living for.
I feel like I'm failing... I'm failing at living my best life. I'm sure at the end of the year that's how we all feel. Especially because I didn't really make any goals. Except to do more. Lol be more than I was from this last year.
An I haven't.
The car crashes. The work. The kid. The relationship all held me up. An it feel like idk if my relationship is meaningful enough to make us want to move forward or be more. I don't wanna stay the same way. I want to try new things. Be somewhere other than here. An there's so much riding on us not doing that. An that's hard to work with...because we never get time. We never get to be with one another long enough to make solid plans that actually work out. If I ask for these plans I always get the shit end. An maybe that's on purpose maybe that's an accident or maybe that's just my luck. I'm not sure what to think of it.
Just like before Christmas...my partner had said she basically wasn't gonna see me. An I was hurt but it's like the wedge pulling us further apart. So I thought fine. But then she showed up an not only that stayed with me. An I felt like am I expected to perform? To please her. To make her time with me more valuable? I ask what do you wanna do an its always met with silence. I try think of things but I don't have that much money so I can't really give her the world. An so we end up at home. In this messy disgusting house because that's how my kid an my brother have lived. An it feels nearly impossible to try break their habits. But I have to come up with something because more an more I'm unhappy. I dont come home to my nice clean house. I come home to a disaster easily prevented if my idiot brother would get off his ass. Or if I get rid of like 6 boxes of toys. So much going on in my head.. an for what feels like the first time I dont have anyone I can call. See or talk too.
It's been a long time since I felt alone... to this point. An I know that this feeling isn't new it's just more abruptly interference in my life.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to feel. Alls I know is that I'm exhausted. And I'm hurt. An in my hurt I'm reacting in ways that are old patterns. An in doing that. More shit becomes dangerous.
Will it get better...will it evrr be more than this. Because right now I feel like it's not worth much. I'm not worth much an I dont know what to do. Or who to find myself. .
The trials I'm facing outweigh by too much that I don't know how to be successful in my daily life any longer.
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