the insanity of what future

 I am in a weird head space because Im thinking about the future.. does anyone ever look at the prices of engagement rings? or think of the future? what does it look like? as much as we say we want it. do we really know what it's like committing to one person forever> 
I have only thought about it 2x in my entire life.. but I didn't think all the stuff people think.. especially the price of engagement rings, the prices of wedding bands, and the certificate, and what follows in uniting two lives to one, or two lives to two paths leading the same direction. IDK.

Today my partner had mentioned it... the fact is I had mentioned it. because we both are thinking it. we both talk about "forever" we want this to be the forever, we want this to be our love. and yet we don't know when, how, or what for. like who do I get approval from.
and how come there is no one to watch out for me lol 
or our future where do we live, when do we start living, when do get it all together. you know. I don't know. I know that I love this person beyond all things, but we have rarely had enough time to combine our lives, or to talk. and when were together I don't always have the words but now that she has gone, my mind is racing.. why does this happen... 

or even notes I've made about shit to talk about and then we never talk about it, becase I forget I've written it done/. or what does she knwo? what have I told her> cause I have talked to so many poeple I don't know who knows what. . I want her to know all but I don't wnat to repeat everything over and over.. 

as well as I don't know.. 

so the thing for yesterday was interesting.. Friday night I went into whatever psycho cleaning I do. like deep spotless clean every corner of the areas, and I didn't message my partner, or text or call or anything.. and then I fell asleep because of all the work it cost to clean, it's not easy task.. and she had messaged me in middle of the night but I was asleep. I woke up to her calling me a few times,and messaging me, and then when I finally responded she had said she had the worst feeling about me. she thought somehting terrible had happened to me.. it didn't cross her mind that I was asleep. lol 

she blamed it on meds or her moment of insanity>

and my thoughts were Im grateful she cared enough to worry about me at all. because I didn't know or feel that she cared muhc, so honestly having that reaction just in essence of knowing i matter to her, that if she had a feeling or thought there could have been a chance of something terrible but that I'd be missed if I was gone. 
and thats what I like... because it makes me feel like I matter, that I am connected to someone

anyway.. 

I don't really get alot of chance to plan things because Im financially not able to. and I honestly don't know what to think about what she wants to do when she's around me.. 

so we just hung out.. I introduced her to some old school scary movies, and we watched some boring shows, chilled out.. and I realized none of my questions were asked. and I was like what am I doing you know. how did I do this>
isn't it weird..

what is it that makes me no remember the important things we needed to talk about.. 

I want our great future.. I want the entire world to know I love her, but I also want a future that is secure for the both of us.. I want our happiness and life fulfillment etx.. but I don't know where to begin, what to think, what to do.. her hinting about marriage... I am all lost in thought.. what does that look like.. how soon is too soon, or when is too soon, and when is too late. you know? does that make sense cause reality is that we say too soon for lots of things we've already done. you know... so when in reality should we think or do.. and who does what. and what does what. maybe I can wait for my claim with thing before i decide my next steps that will put money in my pocket. 

I know I want lots of things to talk about but I don't know how to bring it up with her. because we are usually distracted by other things, last night was what felt like the first time we weren't distracted by things would have been good to catch up but for IDK what reason it didn't happen... 
anyway...

Im rambling as always.. I have so many questions and I don't know how to get the answers, and Im also just IDK... losing my mind just a little bit...