bleeding from the heart

 I dont know where to begin with what Im going through. what I've endured and faced.. I feel such much pain.. so much grief. so much sorrow. 

I can't say why really. but I can say that this is the hardest days I've had. and a test of that is growing more and more each day. 

I'm struggling with so much in my daily life. An I'm also feeling the weight of it all. I cannot tell enough how difficult the year has been an how much I've felt like a failure. 

I realize more an more that I am becoming more destroyed by the world I live in. 

I knew that I'd go down this self sabotage way an not be able to get myself out of it but I had hoped it were possible. But then my partner has played on this an because she is hurt. She is hurting me as well an then wondering why I feel so jaded. 

I'm struggling 

I dont know what more ways I need to say this. I was sure. Am sure. Want to be sure. That I love my partner but... when she brings out this side of me. An doesn't help restore the balance in our relationship then I get concerned. Because are we together so that she can feel better about herself? So she can be validated that she allegedly loves me.  I feel like falling apart. An I dont know how to stay strong. I'm hurting. An I dont know how we ended up here. 

I hate the shit that led up to this. An how instead of discussing it... we got to be silent sn in the no words..  an yet .  Idk

How can we grow in love. If we aren't showing it. Expressing it. Living with it. ... I thought we were doing really well but now I'm not so sure. An does that mean we were never doing well. Or were we doing well..an she let this sabotage happen as well

Is there a way back from it... better hope so otherwise it's going to be a difficult couple days. An you know... what it all comes down too. Is the same bs. COMMUNICATION. The one thing she knows we struggle with. An yet she was not even aware what I read or how I would read it. 

So now.... 

I'm questioning everything... are we for real. Do we even matter. Is this even worth it. I thought we were. I thought this was it for me. But having her miscommunication stuff come up has my head turned around. An I'm on the verge of breaking down. Falling apart. An just finding a way out. A way that will only cause pain. Because I'm coming from a place of pain..

Fuck. An I have to go to bed with this feeling. I have to worry about this stuff. 

I'm losing my mind.. I'm hurting. I'm struggling... an I dont want to go from here because the direction this was heading is not where I thought we were going.