the future

 As it's still on my mind about the future... thinking about where I'd see myself in the ten years, or even five years. for so long I've lived day to day, sometimes thoughts of not thoughts your allowed to discuss, but I had those thoughts because in some way.. I honestly have this messed up brain that people might be better off without me, even my own kid.. but that's my down days.. 

when I have moments like now.. where I'm thinking of the past. thinking of the present. and hopeful of the future.. i absoluetly want the future now, but so much has to come together, and although there are people who believe I dont have doubts.. I do.. I'm human.. and being put in a position that has been extremely difficult for me. 

I struggle with so much of my own insecurtities, that I finally reached out for the need of reassurance that I likely needed.. and I honestly feel like some what got it, but also not really.. and therefore... where am i.. 

I just want the things in my life to go well. I want to be able to do everyhting my heart desires, and be able to give my partner all the desires of her heart, and healing strength that no oother 
I wish I could take on her stuff.. but I can't.. but being put on the outside.. of this whole situation makes things makes me feel scared.. 
there are so many others that are likely better.. more experience, more knowledge, etc.. than me.. but there is no love like mine, at least I hope not. becase I want this to last.. I want the future for us to be amazing. 

I want more good days, than off days, I want to be able to drive in the car and just give her a moment of happiness, be able to sit under the stars in the outdoors, or catch another movie, or go for dinner, or do whatveer I can just to lift her spirits..but... a lot of the time.. its like when she comes... she just wants down time, because her body is so exhasuted, when I make a plan it usaully works out.. but I have to plan this crap... it's not that easy.

My body is pretty messed up as is.. Just cleaning my house I can feel it in my body the pain of just simple things like sweeping and mopping the floor.. 
it's not fun.. 

I don't know.. my friend and I chatted today.. and I told her... that this is the hardest times.. is being present and not present, being positive, even though I feel defeated.. not by my partner but by the illness or whatever it is. ,because she's not giving up on me, but she also isn't letting me be there completely and in that way I believe that the illness wins, because if I was there, we could work on the conquer of that together, but when she keeps me separate then she loses hope, or faith, or happiness, and then things begin to go downhill. I wish she could see that, but I don't know how to make it ok.. I dont know how to support her, and be there for her.. I really wish I could... 
I don't need to do anything except to be present.. and let her love lavish me, and her swim in my love. because I have oceans of love for her, and just want to lavish it, and smiles, and happiness.. 

I miss her so much.. I'm trying to not worry.. because she said it's nothing to do with her and I.. its the illness, and I just don't know how to support that... I don't know how to talk to her about that when she won't talk to me.. and I don't know how to bring it up? how to push forward in all that.. 
i just want better days.. I want her to be ok.. and i want to be on the journey with her.