lost father

 I guess... its that time of year.. where I am in my mood.. of realizing that I've spent this many years without a father.. 
I don't know what was going for him, why he made the choices he did. but in the years I've worked in this industry, and the growth it's had in the years, I start to realize.. how powerful those that are in recovery. the strength they have to make it out of this life. 

I don't know a lot of people who have been able to make it out of the life of addiction. but those that do sometimes go back you know. 

I dont know how long it was.. before my dad left treatment or maybe even finished treatment he was doing it for himself and his family, he wanted to be clean and sober raising his children as far as what i read from his journal. He was eager to be a father. 
but he was coming from however life long life of addiction.. an may have been his go to thing when things fell apart. 

How terrible it must have been to die alone.. to have no one watching your back, and just not be able to live your life.. watch your children grow. or live a life of sobriety. to basically become another statistic. 

I don't remember him all that much... I do remember bits and pieces, I feel like that's how it is with anyone in my past.. I only remember random things, I don't see the full picture. But if you ask how I felt.. damn I felt loved. I felt special. I felt like I was his world when he was with me. 

he made me feel loved as far as I remember. 

losing him... and the years after especially the heartache of moving on wtihout him.. was difficult the people I got around, and the things I started doing. was all pretty shitty. 

but maybe its true. one simple traumatic thing or several change your life. 

for some odd reasons there are random things about me. there are smells. there are sights. maybe even sounds that I may get into and I will resort back to fear. or when I hear the rolling stones it makes me think of my dad, he used to listen to that alot 

I loved my dad.. I loved him.. I know that. and losing him changed my life. and I iwll always miss him, and i never want to forget him. on days like today I realize who Ive lost. what I've lost. 

whichi makes me see my kid. 

and sort of know the importance of him needing to be connected to his parents. to know them. see them? talk to them. maybe give them desire to want to get their lives better you know?> 
I don't know if it would damage my kid.. but I know they want to know him, and for now if he can just see them as potential friends, or whatever and grow to being mom and dad. then maybe we can grow as a family,
i don't wish to be free of my obligation to my kid. i have worked more than I EVER have to secure stability. 

recently I met some random worker.. who had heard about teh new worker managing a building, adn tehy apparently were talking very highly about the person, what they didn't know but later found out the person they were talking about was me. 
its nice that poeple aren't talking shit about me. 

anyway.. Im rambling my kid needs bed time snuggle