My hearts so heavy. My soul feels so dark. I'm struggling to find light. Struggling to feel anything worth feeling.
I thought it was Beautiful to have my partner tell me she wanted to show me love. We haven't been together often just our jobs an life. So it's nice to have my partner want to shower me with love. I felt honored but pressured. How does one respond to that. I feel as thought I failed. Normally I'm usually about to figure it out but this time. I'm not sure what happened. I just froze I guess.
It's nice to be loved. It's actually sometimes the only reason I'll wake up. But along with that love there has to be more to it..I dont know what I mean by that I just know
We are on the verge of celebrating something amazing.. celebrating our one year anniversary next month... altho we recently celebrating becoming friends on fb..only took us a month before I asked her out.
The more I think about our history and how we met. The more in love with her.. the more passion. The more fire I feel within myself.. and it's in these moments I wish she was here next to me.
It's hard a lot of the time.. as I'm being patient I'm trying to be here..
But her upbringing ? Her trauma? Her life? Something has taught her never really on anyone. Never count on others. Or never look weak among anyone...idk really but a lot of the time... I feel as though she has shut me out.
She finds herself in dark places trying to find her way back to me.
In my mind that would mean being next to me.
But in her mind it's the opposite. So it's not easy for me to sort through it.
However.....I can't imagine living in this world if she wasn't mine. More and more I'm grateful for her. I know if an when I've needed her she's been there. I'm trying not to need her. But it's a passion. A bond. I love her.
Other than that...everything else is terrible... I'm struggling to keep going. Everything feels like I'm failing in all way. I'm struggling to keep my head up. Struggling to keep myself focused.
I want to cave into my urges. I want to feel some pains..or something other than what I've been feeling.
I need an escape. I need to hide from this reality. I also need to grow a pair lol an show or return the passionate love my partner showers on me. Idk why I don't respond fast enough maybe just used to rejection. Idk
Sometimes I can be poetic on my own..but other times I can barely say anything important..
I wonder more and more each day
Why has she chosen me?
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