struggling year

This time of year is difficult for some.  It's my 2nd year I guess of not being a part of the family events.. last year I was able to create my own but it was a disaster. So this year I'm sending my kid off to spend Christmas with his grams. 

But it leaves me wondering what will I Do. Idk this year has been so uncertain so difficult an painful so hard to stay connected or want to be connected 

The once upon a time of thinking this was my forever life. The forever beauty of a future. Family. Life. An in one stupid moment I just too worries about putting myself out there..

I find I'm consistently questioning whether the world I live in is real. Because of all the brokenness an lack of being able to catch a break 

Places that meant the world to me that I wanted to share with my partner now just feel tainted. 

I am struggling to feel anything. That isn't a good thing. 

More an more the disconnect. The need to allegedly rely on faith.it isn't easy an I'm finding myself doubtful of anything ever making it. 

I want this future we talked about. I want it all to be real but in the back of my mind...there's a hint of doubt. There's been so much separation. 

I went thro our old texts.  Once upon a time. Allegedly just being in my presence was enough to make my partner feel most alive. Most loved. Most appreciated. 

An now. I don't see her. I barely talk to her. We aren't connecting the way we used too. An the communications are only in text messages. It just seems so difficult.

How does one bring back...life. love. Communication. Commitment back into our relationship rather than drifting apart. Altho I dont feel like I'm doing or living our best lives.

Most of the time... I just don't know who or whether we going to go the distance. I want to

I thought about our future so long. I made plans 

I'm struggling to stay awake. I'm exhausted

..the last week. Just so tired

So much