What the actual fukc

Today was an interesting day.. I don't and wont get into detail of the chaos of the day.. but when I spoke with my therapist. my counselor whatever we call them. they had literally laid it out for me. which is weird.. it's weird when you hear that perspective come from someone who's listening. i basically said I didn't, or don't know where my mind is, or what it is thinking.. and then they laid it out.

I said I'm lost in what I want in this relationship.. I do know what I want, and I do know what I need to keep it up. and I do have to push even if it hurts when she pushes back. I have to continue to say what's real, what is needed to be said. etx. 

so I tried that.. sort of. but the push back was weird.. because my partner said I have said "ILY" as mch as they had said it. An yes it may be true. but it's because Im in a weird place. I am questioning everything, wondering why, where, when, how. there could have been. actually there are likely more stable, beautiful, talented people in the world. we are all our own imperfect shit etx. but yet here we are.. here we are. 

moments of losing life, losing breath over her. over the way she makes me feel loved. 

I don't know what to think.. I just know.. I realize that I have to be vocal. I have to be honest. I have to tell her.. like even now she is likely "sleeping" but its not fun when she spends most of her time sleeping, especially because she could have been talking to me, and we did talk a few times, etx. but it wasn't enough. because it was a mini argument about the people Im around, or the people I let into my circle. I don't think she was acting jealous or concerned she said she didn't care but it seems to have bothered her. and when I told that to a friend., they said that my partner needs to get over it because I or we work in an industry where we are surrounded by all walks of life, and I don't sit around thinking about the next notch on my belt, or whom I can love, or be loved by. I literally don't even look at what normal people, single people may think. lol 

maybe our relationship is just crazy. IM sure that is likely true. but I still stay. she still stays because we are in teh love, we want the forever, we want the heart and soul, the wedding, the kids, the family. and if I can go back to the work IM doing now, I can actually provide for us which I couldn't do before. so this would be amazing if I can, or we can do this. 

I love this person more than life itself. and I wnat her in my life, and I want to be haappy, and I wnat her to be happy... I want her to show up for me... I want to make plans, consistent plans IDK. 

maybe IM just crazy which is true but so is she.