I'm repeatedly trying to make us work. Trying to not let the voices of those in my life to cloud my thoughts an desires but there comes a time where it's too much. I've spent weeks months even trying to be ok with my relationship. Trying not to focus on the bad but I'll say this. We've had more bad days then good I try to make plans for us. I voice what it is that I want for us. An I assume by saying it maybe it means it will come to pass but always the opposite happens
I feel like I'm getting hurt...repeatedly.. like think of idk. I'm trying so hard to hang onto what is good. But my grip on this love that is expected to be forever is not feeling as such. The love feels like it' can wither and die. An its horrible because she was the one that said to love an appreciate one another etc.
Sue is the one who said we need to be more connected but then she disappeared an I'm feeling worse than before
Or how about the times she was expected to be there. An bailed. Does she think that felt awesome it didn't. All her bs of her life is better when she's with me. An now she is barely with me.
What is it really that she wants from me...
When is it about my needs... my need to be loved. My need to be adored. My need to be close. My need to feel connected. My need for us to feel like we're a family. An instead it's none of those. An when I begin to act the way she has treated me. It's a push an pull or the chase she realizes what she loves me ? Misses me? What ? Idk.
I feel shitty. I feel like my shattered heart is breaking piece by piece. An she doesn't notice if she noticed what could she even do?
I dont know what I want anymore but I need better than this. I want it from her. But I'm not sure she is able to give me this time an closeness because she is so wrapped up in herself an her needs.
Which I'm trying so hard to be understanding about. But she's ALWAYS been about herself. Always been about what she needs not caring how it effects me. How much it hurts me.
An how more distance is making me start to lose focus. Lose feeling. Lose desire.
Idk how to make that mor clear.
I feel shattered. I feel like garbage. I feel broken I feel like when I'm not focused on my job an when I'm not focused on my kid. I'm thinking terrible things because I feel so hurt. I feel so broken. An idk how much longer I'm expected to be ok with this an I dont know what other way to be as more direct with her. Like realistically in her head. How does she think we are on good terms ? How does she think of my needs?
I'm becoming more shut down with her because it's my self defense it's my go To. But does she know that? See that ? Feel thst ? I don't know.
Idk how to put effort into something or someone when they aren't doing the same.
Thinking of it makes me want to die because it hurts at the idea that I know what I'm saying I don't wanna say but I feel horrible an she is supposed to be my guard. She's supposed to be my everything. An yet here I am not feeling her love.
She is not feeling mine either.
Because I'm shut down!!! I feel nothing. Nothing but pain
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