I felt a lot better about nothing.. it seems like everything is setting me off and Im in a weird funk. I felt crazy earlier, so hyped up on everything, and so eager. and I was messaging my partner with very little responses. and when she was off work.. IDK what i thought. I thought maybe we'd actually connect have a conversation but instead that didnt happen.. so i thought about what she had said about communication and love and appreciating any relationship.. so I tried that.. and it didn't go very well either..
it's weird.. because IDK.. I thought we were past all this, I thought we were on the road to forever.. however it doesn't seem like the case and that terrifies me. because I don't know how to live in the world where her and I don't love one another. I mean we sat there talking about forever, no real date, no real agenda, but the concept is we want till death.
but...
the last few days.. the silence. the silence kills... the concerns, fears, everything comes up. maybe only for me.. maybe she's completely secure in our relationship and everyhting is all in my head.. but if we talk about the seed of love.. it has to be watered, we have to nurture it.. days in silence, days without seeing one another, or talking.. then it dies...
and the more she is distant. the more she is "love bombing" to keep me here.. the more I am realizing that maybe I'm completely stupid. Is she really someone who wants me around.. does she even love me. why is she able to do so well other places but not with me. Why can she talk to her coworkers more than me?
I don't get what the fuck to be thinking.. Im thinking Im not going to be in this forever.
and we are forever branding our bodies.. well she already has. but I am supposed too.. expected to in the next few days.. but Im feeling completely lost.. I don't know what to do.
people say communicate with her. tell her what you need..but I have... I have been as clear as day, I've expressed my concerns and its always short answers, less interest...unless she's love bombing.
Im an insecure person. I have always been the person hurt in relationships.. and yet with her.. the power we have over one another is intense. and I try not to say anything to set her off. because I did that once or a few times, but it went really bad.. and I don't wanna worry about that..
So I have no idea,
when is the right time to express concerns? when is the right time to say that I feel neglected. under appreciated? i feel lost without my other half, and I didn't appreciate some of her responses because she has me doubting what she actually wants in this relationship. what if she just wants me to be a booty call lol. or just a FWB? I don't fuckin know. alls I know is that I feel hurt.. because not that long ago.. was all about marriage. forever. rings. when. how. etx.
and now its barely a word worth mentioning because theres less of us and IDK>>
I want to cry.. I want to feel.. I want to feel anything but crappy as I do. and instead I can't.. I am feeling so shut down. it is hard to feel anything..
especially my coping mechanisms. I need to do something.. I need distraction. I need to go away. I need to do or something something something.. cause I don't fcukin get what is happening.. how does she think its ok. how is this a relationship. explain it to me.
I feel so stupid. so hurt. so jaded. I just want to shut down the whole world and people. its not been a fun week and its; been super painful and let me guess.... all down hill from here... right?
Why do I get like this? how does she not notice these moments? these outbursts? she doesn't even try to reassure me, she doesn't even try to make me feel better about anything she only utters whatever bs she can and that is all. adn it isnt enough for me.. I don't get why.. why I ask for more i get less.. and when I get less I still get even less.. one text a day. maybe.
one bs ILY a day.
how can you love someone and not include them in your life.. not connect. not try or bother to know where I am at and how i feel.
WHat is going on... please don't tell me because Im scared of what this all means. or if its all in my head. then why is it in my head? because it always happens, and then things may be turned around but it doesn't give me more... it just IIDK>>>. idk.. Im hurt. Im sad. and I don't know what to do. what to feel if I feel anything at all
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