right next to you

 I have so much on my mind.. and I don't know what to think.. where to begin.. I am struggling becauuse I've put myself here.. and sometimes for a short time things go well but then it always end up falling apart, but my fear of losing my lover outweighs everything. 

I tried.. and according to her messages she has also tried to be there, giving me more time, or being more present in my life.. but the distance is unbelievable.. I can hardly express how difficult it is to be where we are.. realizing in one month we are expected to celebrate one year of being together.. 
should we even celebrate? should there even be some sort of acknowledgement? 

What are my expectations of this relationship> I don't even know.

but I know that all other relationships I was or they were already moved in by now, and maybe it's good we aren't but... when do we see one another. and our times together have been pretty terrible.. and so it's hard to want to see the "love of my life" when we aren't spending time together, it's harder to want to be together, and the only time I do get.. is when she comes and sleeps next to me, but that's about it.
should I demand more.. if I do.. it's always getting worse..because I hardly hear from her at all and when I do I just don't have time to respond, and if I respond it's always nothing really interesting to get into.. 

I basically have a relationship with my phone.. and randomly on some days it goes off and I hear from someone who devotes an abundance of love.. but it's not something I feel. nothing I see. not something I can grasp.
And I know I always said I wouldn't doubt it but we are where we are.. and there is nothing really to show for this alleged love.. its hard.. 

when people ask how my partner is. that's a loaded question because I don't even know. because she is so closed off to me.. she trusts me with nothing that I am basically in dark... 

she doesn't want me to be there for her. she doesn't want me to know the dark shit, or anything really. and then she lets all these other people in her life except for me, but then says that I am her only contact but that's not the truth. because who is taking those pictures of her when shes wandering the city with this perosn. 

it reminds me.. of my main man.. who also wandered the city at night,but could never find time to be with me. 

I love my partner. I love them more than I wanna admit. and maybe they love me. but if they did.. shouldn't that be reflected somewhere.. because Im struggling to feel anything anything at all adn more and more distance. more and more of not seeing them. more that I don't know what to do..

and on top of it all my idiot friend and I are not talking.. so I basically have no one.. no one to confide in. no one to turn too.. so imagine what I am doing to cope with how I'm feeling. and Im struggling because I just don't know how to live in this world if my partner stops loving me, caring about me or anything .

Im struggling... I really don't know anymore.