rollercoaster

 Are we meant to feel this insane when we are where we are? I don't know.. I honestly am completely baffled by the power I have but at the same time how weak I feel. 
There's so much I'd rather be talking about or saying, I'd like to be able to share this stuff with my close friends but I can't.. because it's such a rollercoaster.. its one of those why didn't you do this or that. Or why didn't you just talk about it. 

I don't know what truth I have anymore.. I honestly am in a position where I just want the world.. I want to give her the world does that make sense.. with everything we've endured and been tested on..  I dont  want harm, pain, or sadness to be a part of anything.. I just want to give her the world and to let her be happy whatever that means. 
i know the truth for me is that I am still completely in love with her, and in one more motion of that love.. I give up the bs thing that people think matters to me so much. its only been like 4 or 5 yrs with this chain, but it's mattered enough to me as if it was the first one.. so for me to give it up.. for me to let her walk out the door with it.. I'm scared but I'm also secure. because this is my ultimate moment of complete love and devotion to her. if that makes any sense. 

I want to spend my life with her. not that I know how long that will be, or if it will even be possible. But that's what my heart desires. 
But in spending this life.. I also want more than just that.. I want happiness, I want to go out, I want to kiss her while standing in the rain, I want to walk hand and hand at simple things in life like going for walks, or going for dinners, or traveling anything other than how we've spent our time so far. 

today was a day I wanted to get out and instead that didn't happen and I felt disappointment because it was like when my BFF isn't there there's no one there. and that sucks because Im stuck alone. IDK.

and when Im alone thoughts get in my head.. just like any normal person, as much as you try sit in a room hearing nothing, and have nothign to hear, you always hear something.
When I'm alone for too long... these things come up.. the what/where/when/how the what if, the should have. the doubts, try to cripple me. 

I told her way long ago that I have faith in her love for me. but you know I know now that I am not completely telling the truth because I do get terrified.. I get worried. I don't know, I can't measure the love she has for me. I can't hold it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can only have faith that it is there, and moments like tonight, or today. in giving me 6 hours of time.. of majority of that sleeping, or not talking, or whatver. it has me doubting what this love really is.
and then we have moments like the other night. where that devotion of love is so strong that it causes both of us to reevaluate our choices, and yes we are together, but we both had a break down, and instead of reconnecting on our love tongiht, that hasn't happened... so I worry more than I did.. and I don't know what the hell that means for me

How do we get back.. or how do we get past this and move forward... is it possible.. is it reachable because I don't want to lose it, I don't want her or I to die, I want till death, I want the ring, I want the forever, I don't want some BS fairy tale, but I do want something.. Not that i know what that "something" looks like because I've never known love, never known love like this. so I dont know. 

Im feeling shitty.. Im feeling like I need to reach out but I dont know who to call... because they all not the people IDK.. or maybe their advice is about saying to walk away, when I don't want that. as I've repeatedly said I want this. I want this love.. IDK. 

Fuck Im losing my mind just sititng here thinking. IDK what to do... I have no distractions.. adn a lot of pain right now.