missing it all

Is it OK that everything feels so blah... that I am struggling as much as I am. 

That the more I realize how alone I am. The more terrified I am about it all. 

I realized once again today that the only people in my life are people who take things from me when they need it. That my moments of crisis are not found in any way shape or form. Thst in my moments when I dial anyone for support I got none. 

The world is very shitty as is. But worse is the lonely feeling..

I feel the loss of connection with all. That even though I've voiced my needs to be close with others they been met with nada. An I'm still alone in this place. Wondering where do we go from here.. 

I want to be in relationship with my partner. I've been thinking about the last while an the distance of that how can she think this is ok... we barely have a connection. We barely have a closeness. An then i thought about all the reasons we aren't together an think do I confront her. Do I ask her.

Not long ago we were talking about forever we were talking about a love that is forever but now it's barely a chat at all. No phone calls no more visits. No more sleeping together. Alls i get is random texts..

It's funny because she said I should reach out to her for support but reality is..

It's not just that she doesn't know me it's that if I tried and I have tried calling her. With no answer. No reply an then I've gone into psychotic episodes.

Anxiety over her reasons behind not responding to me. An some are insecurity but some are legit an there hasn't been much reassurance..

Once there was... once she cared enough to talk to me. An now I barely get anything 

I have so much fucked up shit in my head... the only reality I know. Is that we are both terrified to lose one another I know this because of her hospital incident. Idk 

Other than that... I'm alone...there is no one... an that scares me.

Yes I have my kid

But I've made plans for him in event I should leave before my time

I don't know what I'm thinking. But I'm scared of my thinking an I wish I had people I could talk too. Because I just don't like the feeling I have going on in my life and not having the outlet to work thro it.

I'm getting more .

This feeling of nothing. Of emptiness. More of loss of love. Of heartache of pain. Of things that are not good for me. An all these thoughts of bad things. 

No one to talk too

No surprise visits with my lover. No lover to be here with me...  

If I tell her it may turn out badly.  As it already has. But losing her which I thought I did was worse..

Wtf is wrong with me..