losing my mind

I'm pretty sure that I'm certain the world is trying to mess with us. I feel so much emotion. So much anxiety. It's unbelievable timing. 

The other night we went through in depth conversations an reconnecting. Stuff I love but it wasn't the way I wanted it.. because reality is I want that to be able to happen when we're together  we've been around one another long enough that those conversations should be in person. 

Then again idk...

What are the right thoughts to be having.  You know. 

So she went to interview yesterday and you know I didn't hear from her but when I did it was just to say she was going to sleep which hurt. Because I think if I am your everything shouldn't I have been your first call to express the fun you had. Or meeting the people I see daily. I don't know.

My brain is so fucked right now.

I feel so foggy. So much unknown stuff in my head that I can say just about anything. Especially because I feel like garbage... I feel like dying. I feel like physical pain has found me an totally wrapped itself around me. An I'm struggling to breathe struggling to cry for help.

I dont know why I get insecure about friends of mine being friends with her. Idk why it hurts to feel what I feel. An to know what I know. 

And to also have her at arms length right now. After what felt like a shitty night as it was. To more not talking. To more confusion an pain.

I hope that my feeling of foggy is all in my head an its not what I believe it could be. I want the world for us. I want to be able to trust.

But reality is.....

Let's not forget how many times I've been hurt. How many times I've likely spouted the bs about love. An how many times I've been wrong an become the pain. The punching bag. The let's lie sn see how long takes her to figure it out.  

I dont know. It's not who she is. She' made it clear that isn't who she is.

But does it mean it's who I am ? Because I've done it before.... when I found out my then partner was totally cheating on me...I totally went out and did the same. Or the many time of painful nights of having my ex hold a knife to me. Or whatever. Ugh

I don't like bringing it up but the toxic life that we had has spilled over to every aspect wn maybe they aren't that person anymore.. 

It doesn't mean I don't carry the same insecurities 

Why am I wiring about it. 

Because it's what I'm most afraid of? 

Idk. What to think say or do. I only know how to feel what I feel. Sn she knows I feel these things. It isn't her job to make me not feel this way idk

I better go. As I'm losing my mind just writing about it.