For a bit now.. I guess I've been overwhelmed or stressed about different things happening in my life and I'm realizing now that it may be effecting me.
I'm in a relationship.. one that I'm mostly happy in but also feeling whatever. It hasn't been the easiest of times because there's so much going on and so much I have to learn. Or unlearn about things I've done or said before
It's hard sometimes...it's painful sometimes. But when it's good it's amazing. She doesn't bring me down or what not. But the stuff in her own life is a lot an I get scared a lot that my stuff may be too much.
It's funny because it seems to be her mindset as well. We recently talked about opening up communications but then stuff happened.
It's not sabotage what we have going on it's just what's going on for her is a lot. An at the same time I don't know what that even means
I daydream I have hope. I have a belief that is is a love like no other. An that our love will conquer all. An we will stay alive to live in this happiness an love.
Maybe it's an insane notion. But realistically...you don't just walk away when someone needs the love an support.
Her ways of getting that are different from my own.
The stress of it I guess may be a lot sometimes. But I also have a job an a kid an a brother lol.
Financial strain in my life .. responsibilities to keep my kid fed an dressed. As easy of a task as that may seem. It doesn't come cheap. .
There's so much on my mind...
There is darkness lingering in my mind. I feel it .. nudging to be free
I dont know how to explain that...but I need some more better days. Because if this darkness wins I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm fighting with everything I go to find support. Find help.
Life is difficult for everyone...but when things get this tough what does one do. How does one cope with these things I'm not sure..
My way is not good. An its causing me more pain than relieving the pain I'm already feeling.
Idk what to do. An the other day I was off the deep end. And it's like coming down from that but realizing I still have all the same problems as then. Nothing really has changed.
My mindset needs to change. But I'm also realizing I'm not really anyone... I'm only someone to my kid. Maybe my one friend and partner.
You know... some people are raised to just live in the world following in their parents foot steps. Some people are raised to surpass their parents short coming. Some people are raised to create their new path that is better
Break down walls an bridges.
And I feel like I may be one of these.. but I'm also feeling the weight of failure... I no longer have a family. One thing I was raised to value above all things.
Not friendships...all my life friends have come an gone. But my family was always there. An now. I don't have that. I create my own family but my person isn't around to fulfill that need. So what do I do.
Physically wounded. Emotionally brutalized beating. I need some clarity. Before my darkness. My beast or burden surfaces. I couldn't even begin to tell you what will happen if that comes to life.
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