What do I really need ?
I honestly wanna say... I want bad thing. I want to come back to no return state. I want to hurt so bad that I love/hate myself. I want to test the waters with all things.
I'm hurting.... I'm hurting from the words spoken. Not spoken yesterday. I'm hurt by the way I read them.
I'm hurt by everything.
That literally in one message I began to doubt everything I was so sure of moments earlier. I actually looked it up on my messages.
My partner had said she had felt my love etc. An then within hours. It was "hopefully" that I love her. Or the miscommunication.
It all went badly so fast.
I've been able to go to work an forget about it. But... at the end of it all. When I'm able to process what I feel how I feel. I just want to cut. I want to feel pain. I want to hurt. I want to be hurting. I want to be bleeding. I want it to hurt.. I want to feel something other than what I feel.
I'm losing my mind
I'm going into such a dark space. That there are no feelings to release these moments. An if she even tried as she has... I dont feel the warmth. I don't feel content I feel doubtful.
An with all things... I needed the one place in My life to remain solid. An it hasn't. An that is beyond shitty.
I want to screw it all up. I want to give up on all things.
Sadly I want to give up on my life.
I don't think I really mean to say that. But there has been so much uncertainty in my life. So much loss. So much brokenness.. an now on top of it.
I dont feel love. I don't feel anything. I just feel broken. I feel disappointed. Like did I make the wrong choice this entire year by being present. By giving my heart sn soul.
I want to break down.. I want to give up. No one will really miss me anyhow.
I just want to close off the world. An forget that it ever existed. Or let them forget I even existed. I can only hope for great things to come can only hope the sun will shine.
I've lost faith.... In all. In myself.
. I'm sorry
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