struggling

I'm sad to say how difficult things have been for me. In every sense of the word. It's been like the world is today. It's been chaotic. It's been cold. It's been keeping distance. 

So I have had my kid for going on 4 years of my life. Believe me.   I have no regrets I love him more than life itself. An id totally give up my life for him. I'd do anything for him.  

Regardless... 

Reality is the truth in currently facing. My sons parents have been going behind my back an applied for government funding for my kid. An it had worked for them until now. 

I've recently been notified that I've lost my benefits regarding my son's childcare. 

I've lost all benefits regarding my son. 

I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. 

I was thinking about it randomly...about the world we live in.  An as much as I'd love to die. I'd love to give up my life. The reality is if we live in a world like now and I had to choose. I'd give up my life for my son to live. 

What is the definition of mother. ..

Just because you give birth to something doesn't make you a mom. 

Just because they share that bond of mother and baby doesn't mean they are forever 

I'll never have those experiences she has had. But I was there when he was born. I have never left him.  And when he came into my home 4 yrs ago I gave up my whole world for him.  

I left a job I loved. A home I didn't mind leaving behind. I let go of my pride. An I asked for help in ways I never had before.

I've been there for my kid...I've never let him down. 

I love my kid. I love him more than life. Basically all I want to say. 

I'm struggling. I'm hurting. And I want to make the world better for him. 

But repeatedly I feel as though the world is shoving me while I'm down.

Especially regarding my kid. 

On top of all these struggles... i want the good moments. I want a day where I'm not so stressed... I want to be happy. I want my partner to enjoy being with me. I want her to have fun with me. 

An now I'm in a shit mood because I feel as though all my much needed supports are going up in flames. 

An it hurts. It hurts like a shot to the heart. 

An I dont know how to recover. I don't know what to do. 

I'm so terrified. I'm so scared. I've lost too much already.

I have some serious choice words I'd like to share with this asshole...but because of her addiction she wouldn't hear me even if I told her. Because she isn't herself but I hope people tell her what she has fufked up for me an her kid.