ruined it

 Due to poor communication.. miss communication.. absolutely everything has been disrupted. and I feel like complete garbage. I don't know what the heck is going on anymore. I don't know what to think right now.  My world feels upside down.. and I feel compeltely lost.. completely disorientated and shattered 

I went through some moments that I can hardly get through.. and then it just was and has been like a roller coaster. 

I dont know if I messed up this stuff or if they messed up this stuff. it hurts... it freakin hurts.. we went into all this BS and all this stuff, and all this insanity that I am feeling so lost and hurt

I don't know if she's ok. actually I know she is NOT ok and I can't go out and find her, I can't chase her. I asked her to show up for me. I want her to come here and be with me. not to bail on me. 

I feel like just days ago we were HIGHER than high could ever be, living on cloud nine, and then within days it fell apart or feels like it did and we're both hurt, both suffering, and she wont talk to me, instead she will shut me out adn make me worry. 

I need to get through this, but I hate that we are here... we literally don't need this . 

I don't know... I dont know what to do... I don't know what to think. I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind with insane thinking,and I don't know.. I need to see her, I need her to show up. I need her to come here, or at least call me, or ask me to show up for her. 

we can work thro this. we both want to. we both want the world. we want the forever and yet... instead of talking to me, she shut me out. and said she has to deal with her thoughts, but she won't talk to me. and instead make poor choices? o r think abou tmaking poor choices that will only hurt her. 

what do I need to do.... she said I go above n beyond, so why... why make me feel like this? i dont know what to do.. I don't know how to prove to her. I don't know what to think. 
I don't get what her fears are and why she can't tell me.. 

What do I do.. Do i take the leap and run over there, knowing she is likely not there. or do I wait. and hope and put it in the universe for her lazy butt to show up...
Im too old to be chasing.. lol 

I just want her to try 

I want to try and make her feel better but idk what to do.. I dont want this to be it. I dont want this to be the end. I want her to say SOMETHING anythign! ugh... Im so worried and scared... I need I need to be ok